not my best night last night. Had a panic attack, then panicked over the panic attack (so like a panic attack squared), and just after lunch my knee almost gave way on me.

On the other hand, I am alive, I am home safe, and I am loved.

Tough day today. Worked very hard last night, then had a party for Samantha's birthday (because most of her friends couldn't come on Easter for her actual birthday), and it was a total struggle to not blank out at the restaurant due to pain setting off my PTSD.

Sighs ...

As if I didn't have enough on my plate at the moment, apparently Sharon has gone insane.

On Saturday she was with my mom and spotted a cop talking to a woman at a bus stop. She jumped out of the car and got in the officer's face, even though she didn't know the woman, the officer, or the situation.

Frankly, she was lucky he didn't arrest her.

From what my mom told me, she has been taken off her blood pressure meds, which maybe why this happened, but still, she needs to get a handle on her impulse control, or she or my daughter will get hurt.

Well, today is a special day.

It's Jaci's (AKA Tels) birthday!

Yes, the originator of all the girly germs on many chat sites is having a birthday today.

And since she's having a tough time because of her period, I'm sure she'd really appreciate all the birthday huggles we can give her!

Jaci, I hope you have a happy, girly, PINK birthday!

Just wanted to wish everybody a happy Easter.

I am gonna be busy with my daughter today as it is her birthday, so everybody be good while I'm gone!

I was just wondering if someone would consider taking a stab at making a picture of Mercy for my story.

Cant pay you, but I got lots of huggles for anybody who wants to try ...

My brother just posted on Facebook, framing trans rights as "a man can just walk into a women’s change room or washroom at will"

Sighs ...

Well, "testing" seems to be the theme for the day.

I took my ex to get her heart tested (she'll wear this monitor for a day and then hopefully get the results soon).

I also got the results of an X-ray done on my knee, and I have mild damage. That's a better result than I feared.

Same goes for the results of the x-ray I got done because of the fall I had a work - no breaks, just some bruising and strained muscles.

And in April I'll get tested for sleep apnea.

The more you know the better, they say ....

I just read an amazing story here, and I wanted to encourage everyone to read it.

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/22225/after-winter

I got called a heroine by my boss last night!

Feels pretty good !

Well, I just got some bad news.

My work is going to start outsourcing store cleaning to a cleaning company sometime this year, so my job will be coming to a close.

Not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm going to try my best to keep my chin up and do my best at the job in the meantime.

Prayers and hugs appreciated always.

I would kinda like to talk about depression for a moment.

See, I get two very different types of depression, that have very different effects on me, although neither one is fun.

The first type is sadness. "The Blues". When I get this type, I just want to curl up and cry myself to sleep.

But the second type is even worse - anger directed inward, otherwise called self-hate.

That one is more dangerous because if I stay that way too long, I might succumb to the notion that everyone would be better off without me.

I managed to fight of the feelings of guilt i get along with my flashbacks.

For one of the few times, I refused to feel like I had done something wrong.

A good step forward, I think.

I went to see Pride and Prejudice and Zombies today, and it was an excellent movie. At turns action-packed, romantic, and actually a lot of humor.

But I believe it will be the last film I see in the theater.

Its not just the expense, or the urge to buy snacks both costly and bad for me, but the experience - I found I hated being alone watching the movie.

Story of my life, really - not really good at people skills, yet I have come to hate being alone ...

Ah, well. At most, only 30 -40 years of loneliness to go ...

I had the strangest dream last night.

I dreamed that I was in Elementary school, and learned that a disease was going to turn me into a girl.

Even though I wanted to be a girl, i was scared in the dream, mostly because I was worried about the pain of the transformation.

Then, the time came, and I didn't transform, and I was devastated.

Ah, well.

Well, I went swimming, and it was great.

Very nice pool, no problems with the trans stuff at all.

Boy did I need that ...

I had a fantastic day with my daughter today. We went to West Edmonton Mall, walked around, talked of fashion, makeup, and shoes, and she was totally comfortable with both the conversation and my feminine wardrobe.

I am so blessed ...

I am amazed at much love my latest little bit of fluff has gotten.

111 kudos !

Thanks to everyone!

You know how I've been saying I'm in pain and wish I could get a break from work?

Well, I should be a bit more careful in my wishes.

I got a serious dressing down from my boss last night, giving me the impression I'm on thin ice in terms of continuing to work there, and to say the least I'm pretty depressed about it.

You add pain and PTSD to my depression, and its not a good situation at the moment.

hugs and prayers appreciated.

Well, I volunteered today at the local food bank, and it was wonderful.

I'm glad I overcame my anxiety and went.

I'm going to try and make it part of my weekly routine.

I am really angry, and trying to keep a lid on it.

See, a couple of days ago, our provincial government brought down some recommendations for school boards dealing with LGBT kids, but not everybody was pleased.

The bishop of Calgary fired off on the recommendations, especially those that were supposed to help make trans kids safer in schools.

So when I read what he said, I started to get angry.

I wanted to fire back, to find out his email address and fill his inbox with every bit of rage i could.

But that's not the person I want to be.