I feel like I owe my readers an apology. Its been more than a month since I published the last chapter of Mercy, and i cant even say I'm close to having the next one ready.

But pain, PTSD, gender dysphoria, and life stress have sapped my creativity totally, and so my progress has slowed to a crawl.

I'm so sorry.

I've reached a point where pain is a constant factor in my life.

Worse, regular pain medications are no longer nearly effective enough for me.

As soon as I can, I'm going to book a visit to my doctor, to see what other options are available, but in the meantime, prayers and hugs appreciated.

Oh, I am kinda blocked on Mercy right now, so I dont know when more is coming.

Sorry.

I love my church.

Every Mother's day, they give every woman a flower.

They so wanted to make sure I got one they gave me two

I have the weirdest dreams.

Like last night I dreamed I was at an event at the University of Alberta, and the person I was with caught a bus without me. I then wandered around for a while, saw a pretty girl, and kissed her for no good reason.

Then I apologized for kissing her.

There was more, but honestly, it was so jumbled I cant really make sense of it.

On the other hand, at least the fact I had a dream means I'm getting used to wearing the CPAP machine ...

Well, I had a busy day today.

Isaw the psch doc, and he's up the dose of my anti-depressant. I also saw the sleep clinic, and I have severe sleep apnea, so they gave me a machine to help me breathe in my sleep.

Some good news on the job front.

I had an interview with the new cleaning company on Wednesday night, and they impressed me. Enough that if they offer me a position (they are supposed to be coming back Tuesday with the offers), I will take the offer

not my best night last night. Had a panic attack, then panicked over the panic attack (so like a panic attack squared), and just after lunch my knee almost gave way on me.

On the other hand, I am alive, I am home safe, and I am loved.

Tough day today. Worked very hard last night, then had a party for Samantha's birthday (because most of her friends couldn't come on Easter for her actual birthday), and it was a total struggle to not blank out at the restaurant due to pain setting off my PTSD.

Sighs ...

As if I didn't have enough on my plate at the moment, apparently Sharon has gone insane.

On Saturday she was with my mom and spotted a cop talking to a woman at a bus stop. She jumped out of the car and got in the officer's face, even though she didn't know the woman, the officer, or the situation.

Frankly, she was lucky he didn't arrest her.

From what my mom told me, she has been taken off her blood pressure meds, which maybe why this happened, but still, she needs to get a handle on her impulse control, or she or my daughter will get hurt.

Well, today is a special day.

It's Jaci's (AKA Tels) birthday!

Yes, the originator of all the girly germs on many chat sites is having a birthday today.

And since she's having a tough time because of her period, I'm sure she'd really appreciate all the birthday huggles we can give her!

Jaci, I hope you have a happy, girly, PINK birthday!

Just wanted to wish everybody a happy Easter.

I am gonna be busy with my daughter today as it is her birthday, so everybody be good while I'm gone!

I was just wondering if someone would consider taking a stab at making a picture of Mercy for my story.

Cant pay you, but I got lots of huggles for anybody who wants to try ...

My brother just posted on Facebook, framing trans rights as "a man can just walk into a women’s change room or washroom at will"

Sighs ...

Well, "testing" seems to be the theme for the day.

I took my ex to get her heart tested (she'll wear this monitor for a day and then hopefully get the results soon).

I also got the results of an X-ray done on my knee, and I have mild damage. That's a better result than I feared.

Same goes for the results of the x-ray I got done because of the fall I had a work - no breaks, just some bruising and strained muscles.

And in April I'll get tested for sleep apnea.

The more you know the better, they say ....

I just read an amazing story here, and I wanted to encourage everyone to read it.

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/22225/after-winter

I got called a heroine by my boss last night!

Feels pretty good !

Well, I just got some bad news.

My work is going to start outsourcing store cleaning to a cleaning company sometime this year, so my job will be coming to a close.

Not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm going to try my best to keep my chin up and do my best at the job in the meantime.

Prayers and hugs appreciated always.

I would kinda like to talk about depression for a moment.

See, I get two very different types of depression, that have very different effects on me, although neither one is fun.

The first type is sadness. "The Blues". When I get this type, I just want to curl up and cry myself to sleep.

But the second type is even worse - anger directed inward, otherwise called self-hate.

That one is more dangerous because if I stay that way too long, I might succumb to the notion that everyone would be better off without me.

I managed to fight of the feelings of guilt i get along with my flashbacks.

For one of the few times, I refused to feel like I had done something wrong.

A good step forward, I think.

I went to see Pride and Prejudice and Zombies today, and it was an excellent movie. At turns action-packed, romantic, and actually a lot of humor.

But I believe it will be the last film I see in the theater.

Its not just the expense, or the urge to buy snacks both costly and bad for me, but the experience - I found I hated being alone watching the movie.

Story of my life, really - not really good at people skills, yet I have come to hate being alone ...

Ah, well. At most, only 30 -40 years of loneliness to go ...

I had the strangest dream last night.

I dreamed that I was in Elementary school, and learned that a disease was going to turn me into a girl.

Even though I wanted to be a girl, i was scared in the dream, mostly because I was worried about the pain of the transformation.

Then, the time came, and I didn't transform, and I was devastated.

Ah, well.

Well, I went swimming, and it was great.

Very nice pool, no problems with the trans stuff at all.

Boy did I need that ...