I found a possible helper for when I struggling with bad memories - humor.

After a conversation on bulling here on Facebook, I went to work and started struggling with PTSD. Fortunately, I had help - a very funny book that made me giggle several times reading it.

So by half-way through the night, I was starting to feel better.

Anybody else have something that helps them get through PTSD moments?

in the aftermath of my meltdown, I have been able to work backwards and see the warning signs - in the week leading up to the attack, I had been dealing with a situation that had eroded my confidence and increased both my anxiety and depression.

Then I fell, breaking a towel bar in the process, went to work, and managed to last until I started having serious pain in my arm before I totally lost it.

Maybe knowing how this started can help me short circuit the next meltdown ...

Just wanted to give a public thank you to Erica-Jane and all the people on the BC chat who helped pull me out of my down. And to everyone who sent me a message of support when I needed it.

You guys are amazing.

Huggles to all!

I feel a lot like Frodo did at near the end of "The Lord of the Rings" when he said, "I have been wounded by bite, sting, knife, and a long burden. Where shall I find rest?"

I have a rough draft of the next chapter of "Mercy" ready.

Would somebody like to give it a read, and see if its okay to go?

I continue to be blessed by the people who care about me.

Yesterday's example? My pastor, who took time out of a busy day to talk to me for a half hour because i was having a tough time.

I only wish everybody had a support system like mine.

so let the party begin!

Well, its been a tough slog, but Chapter 3 of Mercy is up.

Hope you guys like it.

It was a little hard to come up with a third thing I like about me, but since I managed, I will continue my list;

I like that I believe I have made a small difference for tans people with my lecture, and with my openness online.

I think by sharing my story, my struggles, I have helped a few people understand what it means to be trans, and encouraged them to be compassionate to those who have this struggle.

It may be only a tiny ripple in the pond, but who knows where that ripple will spread to, and that's not nothing.

One thing about me I'm happy with is the fact that I refuse to live in a bubble.

I have friends who have different viewpoints on religion, politics, and just about everything else. I read and listen to news sources from both the left and the right.

I think its a healthy thing, to be able to consider different views on things. Sometimes, I've even changed my mind or at least thought "that was a good point".

I'm not saying this to brag. Anybody can do this, if they want to.

Every once in a while, the things I want to talk about in this blog are hard for me to actually get out.

Sometimes, its because they are from a dark place, sometimes, they are embarrassing, and sometimes, I just dont feel like I have the words.

Today's blog is a little of all of the above, but let me try anyway.

I was laying on my couch, watching tv, when a commercial for a product to help men get an erection came on. It was one of those where an older couple is doing stuff together, then they begin to PDA, and the announcer tells how good the med is.

Well, tomorrow I get a physical and I am super anxious about it. Last year after my exam I came home shaking and crying, and I am already pretty shaky as it is.

If you could spare a prayer or a hug or both, that would be nice ...

Kinda a bad news/good news deal.

First the bad news.

Read the wrong story here, and since have been paying for it with flashbacks.

Good news is I have an appointment Oct. 31 to speak to a doctor at the Leduc Mental health clinic, so help may be on the way ...

If you are wondering about my story Mercy, you can relax in the knowledge that I am working on Part 2 right now. When its done, I wouldnt mind having someone who knows Whately better than I do take a peak to make sure I havent made any really major errors, even if the story is fan fiction.

So if someone like that is interested in being an editor, give me a PM.

If you have attended a family gathering, chances are you may have gotten or given a kiss on the cheek as a greeting. In some parts of the world, such a kiss is not just for family members, but is part of normal life.

Why am I bringing this subject up?

Because today at church, I got kissed.

By a guy.

On the cheek.

I asked him about it afterward, and he told me I had been glowing, which made him want to give me that kind of greeting.

The best news about it is that the kiss didnt trigger my PTSD, so there is that.

Well, I just got back from having my hip scanned, and honestly, I am a little shaky.

First, there was the whole issue of being nude from the waist down, with only a towel between my legs to keep my privates ... private.

Which created all kinds of I hate my bits to bits feelings ...

Then the lady was poking me with this wand and she wasnt gentle with it ...

I managed to keep breathing during the procedure, but I started crying on my way home ...

Ah, well.

Well, I went to the hospital today, but I didnt get a full visit with my doctor, but I was able to get an appointment with him for tomorrow morning. He said very likely they will increase the dosage on my anti depressants, in the hope that will also help with my PTSD attacks.

not a good night last night.

Had a really bad PTSD attack, and at the end of the night I was in a lot of pain.

Then I found out I didnt get the job I applied for.

sighs ...

Well, I had the kind of day that reminds me of why its worth it to skip sleep and go to church on Sundays.

Not long after I arrived at the church, my knee decided to start hurting like crazy, which set off my PTSD. So one of the ladies went and got me some painkiller, sat me down in a comfortable chair, and held me for almost a half hour, stroking my hair and telling me I was safe.

I am very grateful for her, and for all the people there who tried to comfort me today.

Is it time for Alberta to ditch the Catholic School Board?

That is the question that is being asked in the wake of a horrible display of immaturity by the Edmonton Catholic School Board Trustees at a meeting on Tuesday about how best to accommodate trans students. Supposed adults elected to the board yelled over each other, called each other names, and said horrible things about trans kids.

So now, we can hope that in the cold light of day people take some responsibility, show some maturity, and try a little kindness towards trans kids.

Well, yesterday I got a bit of bad news/good news about my hip.

I was helping Sharon get some stuff done for Samantha, and I complained about my hip. She brought me to her doctor, who got a copy of the x-ray I had done at the hospital. He told me there were signs of arthritis as well as bursitis in my hip, and he wanted me to go for an CT scan to see what else we could learn before deciding on a treatment.

But on the other hand, he didnt even blink when I told him I was transitioning - in fact he asked me which way I was going!

okay, I noticed something strange at work last night. The last while, I start my shift okay, slowly get more and more depressed until lunch, and then slowly recover till I am mostly okay when I am heading home.

Weird, huh?