There have been some interesting things happening in the news in the last while, and is occasionally the case, I like to take some time to think about them before saying something. But I'm ready now, so here goes ...

You know, doing this blog, I've noticed that some entries are easier for me to write than others. In today's case, its super hard, so please be kind.

I had a good conversation with my pastor Tuesday. First we talked a little about the meltdown I had at church two Sundays ago, then we talked about a number of subjects including my past, my present, and my hoped for future.

It was in regard to the last that she wanted to give me some ideas to think about, especially in two main areas of concern.

Well, just when I thought I could start to relax after the stress of the move, I have a new anxiety to deal with.

See, my new landlord has given my mom and I a tenancy agreement form to fill out, and as it is a legal document, I'll have to put my legal name down, basically outing myself to him.

So I am trying really hard to not dwell on the possiblity of him freaking out over it, but I'm not succeeding all that well ...

I am really struggling with the fact I am finding dudes attractive now. I think it would be hard enough with just the fact that I never found them interesting before my transition, but my past sexual abuse is making it much harder.

Not sure what to do, honestly.

Life can go on, I am back online

I am really stressing over this move.

Hormones and age have sapped what little physical strength I had, and we aren't going to have a lot of help moving. I think this might be the worst move I've had yet, and that's saying something ...

Trigger warning - I'm gonna talk about sexual abuse for a moment. Those gentle souls who may be triggered are advised to read this with caution, or maybe just skip this one.

Well, I finally made it to the end of a really tough week. My job was very physically taxing all week, getting ready for this move is stressing me, and my spiritual struggles meant I was emotionally drained all the time.

Ah, well. Maybe next week will be better ...

Well, it looks like everything is set, and we're gonna be moving over the next month.

The good part of it is that we dont have to wait to start sending stuff over to the new place, so it wont have to happen in one big moving day. The bad parts include the fact that we're gonna have to give away or put in storage a lot of our stuff as the new place is much smaller, and that my online time will become more and more constrained as I spend more time getting stuff done.

Ah, well. short term pain for long term gain, or so I hope ...

I have avoided talking about this for a while, but I finally decided I needed to share this bit of news.

I am in serious financial trouble.

Thanks to a budgeting exercise my sister in law helped my mom and I with, we discovered that we are in the hole for $ 600 a month.

Six ... hundred ... dollars ... short ... every ... month.

obviously, that's not sustainable.

So we're trying to find a cheaper place to live, and working where we can to get this under control.

Well, I had planned to write a little blog on the fact that Barbie seems to have less trouble making a super-heroine aimed at kids than either Marvel or DC comics do, but I think I should talk about some more serious stuff instead.

Anybody who knows me probably knows I struggle with self care a lot.

Not to put too fine a point on it, I suck at looking after myself.

Well, the last couple of days have been filled with anxiety, and last night I finally put together why.

It goes back to an article on Facebook which was about child abuse, and the idea of making a Valentine's day card for your younger self.. I thought it was a really good idea, and was going to work on making one for the 7-9 year old me, but I didn't realize how much I was triggering myself until my anxiety was at Defcon 5 and you could almost hear the robot from "Lost in Space" going "Danger, Dorothy Colleen, Danger!"

I think I've figured out why I've been so fragile the last little while.. I think it was in part due to stress because of Sharon's health situation (which added to the pile of stress I've already been dealing with.) And in part because I've been triggered by the 50 shades of grey discussions.

You might say "Dorothy, the movie is about bondage, how does that trigger you?"

Recent events on Facebook have got me thinking, and I wanted to share some thoughts about the difference between my online self and my offline self.

I think the word you'd use to describe the online me is ... uninhibited. She (and forgive me for using third person here) giggles a lot, huggles just about anybody, acts silly to make her friends laugh, makes friends easily, has even flirted with people, and probably overshares her personal stuff.

I just finished a very interesting book called "Trans-Sister Radio" by Chris Bohjalian. Its the story of a single mother and teacher who falls in love with a man only to discover he's transitioning to female, and the fallout that situation causes for her, her daughter, her job, and her ex-husband who decides to bring their story to radio. Its not a perfect book - it spends a little more time talking about the surgery than I was comfortable with, but its a very interesting bit of fiction, especially by a cis writer. I recommend it.

Well, yesterday, I was able to get a counseling session at the Edmonton Pride center, and I found it very helpful. I talked with the counselor about my current stress, my past, my faith, and my transition. Best of all she seems really well versed in trauma and how it impacts a person. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to see her, but I'm going to do everything I can to get better.

If you are a Canadian trans person, and struggling, there is good news.

There is now a Canadian Trans crisis line open.

The number is 1 877 330 6366, and its toll free anywhere in Canada.

Well, after I read the latest chapter of "Buffalo gal wont you come out tonight", I ended up struggling pretty hard with my PTSD. (Not blaming the author, the warnings were there, I read it anyway)

I cried for more than an hour on the phone with Jaci before I calmed down enough to sleep, and since I woke up I've been feeling super anxious and I am having a hard time keeping my heart rate down.

Ah, well. Just another day ...

I wanted to share this strange dream I had a couple of days ago.

At the start of the dream, I was dressed and laying on a made king-size bed, as if I was going to watch TV there. Then the door to the room opened and a man came into the room. At first, I welcomed him, and invited him to come join me on the bed.

I just posted a new poem!

I hope you guys like it!

I love all the authors here. The act of putting a story out there for others to read and comment on is pretty dam brave.

But I think there are a few who have written stories that deserve a bigger audience, so I'd like to take a moment and give them a plug.

"The Chrysanthemum Inheritance" By Nicki Benson. This story is hard to describe. It starts with a body switch, becomes a murder mystery, and then ends with an alien meme that can strip a person of their individuality.