Every once in a while, the things I want to talk about in this blog are hard for me to actually get out.

Sometimes, its because they are from a dark place, sometimes, they are embarrassing, and sometimes, I just dont feel like I have the words.

Today's blog is a little of all of the above, but let me try anyway.

I was laying on my couch, watching tv, when a commercial for a product to help men get an erection came on. It was one of those where an older couple is doing stuff together, then they begin to PDA, and the announcer tells how good the med is.

Well, tomorrow I get a physical and I am super anxious about it. Last year after my exam I came home shaking and crying, and I am already pretty shaky as it is.

If you could spare a prayer or a hug or both, that would be nice ...

Kinda a bad news/good news deal.

First the bad news.

Read the wrong story here, and since have been paying for it with flashbacks.

Good news is I have an appointment Oct. 31 to speak to a doctor at the Leduc Mental health clinic, so help may be on the way ...

If you are wondering about my story Mercy, you can relax in the knowledge that I am working on Part 2 right now. When its done, I wouldnt mind having someone who knows Whately better than I do take a peak to make sure I havent made any really major errors, even if the story is fan fiction.

So if someone like that is interested in being an editor, give me a PM.

If you have attended a family gathering, chances are you may have gotten or given a kiss on the cheek as a greeting. In some parts of the world, such a kiss is not just for family members, but is part of normal life.

Why am I bringing this subject up?

Because today at church, I got kissed.

By a guy.

On the cheek.

I asked him about it afterward, and he told me I had been glowing, which made him want to give me that kind of greeting.

The best news about it is that the kiss didnt trigger my PTSD, so there is that.

Well, I just got back from having my hip scanned, and honestly, I am a little shaky.

First, there was the whole issue of being nude from the waist down, with only a towel between my legs to keep my privates ... private.

Which created all kinds of I hate my bits to bits feelings ...

Then the lady was poking me with this wand and she wasnt gentle with it ...

I managed to keep breathing during the procedure, but I started crying on my way home ...

Ah, well.

Well, I went to the hospital today, but I didnt get a full visit with my doctor, but I was able to get an appointment with him for tomorrow morning. He said very likely they will increase the dosage on my anti depressants, in the hope that will also help with my PTSD attacks.

not a good night last night.

Had a really bad PTSD attack, and at the end of the night I was in a lot of pain.

Then I found out I didnt get the job I applied for.

sighs ...

Well, I had the kind of day that reminds me of why its worth it to skip sleep and go to church on Sundays.

Not long after I arrived at the church, my knee decided to start hurting like crazy, which set off my PTSD. So one of the ladies went and got me some painkiller, sat me down in a comfortable chair, and held me for almost a half hour, stroking my hair and telling me I was safe.

I am very grateful for her, and for all the people there who tried to comfort me today.

Is it time for Alberta to ditch the Catholic School Board?

That is the question that is being asked in the wake of a horrible display of immaturity by the Edmonton Catholic School Board Trustees at a meeting on Tuesday about how best to accommodate trans students. Supposed adults elected to the board yelled over each other, called each other names, and said horrible things about trans kids.

So now, we can hope that in the cold light of day people take some responsibility, show some maturity, and try a little kindness towards trans kids.

Well, yesterday I got a bit of bad news/good news about my hip.

I was helping Sharon get some stuff done for Samantha, and I complained about my hip. She brought me to her doctor, who got a copy of the x-ray I had done at the hospital. He told me there were signs of arthritis as well as bursitis in my hip, and he wanted me to go for an CT scan to see what else we could learn before deciding on a treatment.

But on the other hand, he didnt even blink when I told him I was transitioning - in fact he asked me which way I was going!

okay, I noticed something strange at work last night. The last while, I start my shift okay, slowly get more and more depressed until lunch, and then slowly recover till I am mostly okay when I am heading home.

Weird, huh?

Just wanted to say thank you to all the people who sent me messages of encouragement yesterday, and especially the ladies on the big closet chat site who talked with me for more than an hour to make sure I was okay.

Huggles for everybody !

Okay, here is a bit of a giggle for you all.

When I got my tire replaced, I was told I would have to come back in to get something done after 50 k or so, so when I woke up this afternoon I phoned about making an appointment.

Now, because I had to sign legal stuff, I was using my male name when talking with the guy.

Except that when he was talking to me on the phone, he called me ma'am.

Apparently, my voice is feminine enough that he ... slipped up, as it were.

Not that I mind ...

Giggles.

Well, I am back connected again!

(Does a happy dance)

There have been a lot of cases of sexual assault in the news lately, and as a result I've been hearing a lot about ''closure". In most cases, its referred to in relation to whether or not an abuser can be charged with a crime.

Sadly, that's not an option for me, so the question becomes, can I still get "closure" if I cant watch my abuser be locked up for his crime?

I think I can.

Doing what I'm doing now, slowly healing, becoming stronger, getting support from my many friends, praying and writing and living my life.

That's my plan, at any rate.

Just so nobody worries, I wont be around much the next while, between packing, moving, and (hopefully) hooking up in the new place.

Take care of each other, and take care of yourselves.

And have some huggles to give you warm fuzzy thoughts till I get back!

HUGGLES!

Well, yesterday I got berated for an hour by my aunt saying I neglected my grandmother and now I'm killing my mother.

I think my aunt's comments hit me harder than I realized. I struggled all night at work with feeling worthless, feeling like the world would be better off without me.

I am seriously considering going to the hospital to get my hip checked out.

It used to just hurt near the end of my shift at work, but I woke this morning in terrible pain and I didn't even work last night.

Had another tough day yesterday. Didn't sleep well, and then my aunt phoned me and yelled at me, saying I was the reason my mom was gonna be homeless, that she's bankrupt because of helping me and my ex, and so on.

Sighs ...