been a tough day today.

Struggled with physical arousal (which is always painful for me, and sets off my PTSD)), and i got a call from Sharon saying tomorrow she's going to have to put down one of her dogs, and my daughter is gonna be devastated

Here is my take on 2015:

This was the year where old, tired governments got replaced by parties with younger leaders and more optimistic outlooks

But it was also the year a reality show host became the leading nominee for President of the U.S.

It was a year that a black man was still in the White house

but it also was a year where a lot of unarmed black men got shot by police.

It was a year in which the Pope asked capitalists to take more care of the less fortunate

This is an apology for my latest story.

I'm sorry its so dark.

Its just that the stress of losing my wallet, the stress of watching my mom get a lung infection and be unable to take antibiotics for either it or the hole they dug in her head to get out the cancer because they make her sick, the stress of my friend Jaci having no money and no food in her house and me not being able to help, the stress of knowing I'm going to have postpone any chance at SRS for the foreseeable, the stress of my PTSD, my depression, and my gender issues ...

Well, I have learned that no matter how bad things get, I can always make them worse with a little not thinking.

I managed to lose my wallet Monday, and spent yesterday hitting catch-22 after catch-22 trying to get replacements for my driver's licence, so I cant go to work tonight.

I know this too will pass, but darn it, I really didn't need to make things more difficult right now.

So this was my Christmas day.

Worked until 7 AM, came home, slept, woke up to discover my mother was sick and I was getting sick, so the two of us spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch together watching Dr. Who.

I've had worse Christmases ...

Just got back from my appointment with PTSD councilor.

Main theme of the session? Take back the power.

I found a possible helper for when I struggling with bad memories - humor.

After a conversation on bulling here on Facebook, I went to work and started struggling with PTSD. Fortunately, I had help - a very funny book that made me giggle several times reading it.

So by half-way through the night, I was starting to feel better.

Anybody else have something that helps them get through PTSD moments?

in the aftermath of my meltdown, I have been able to work backwards and see the warning signs - in the week leading up to the attack, I had been dealing with a situation that had eroded my confidence and increased both my anxiety and depression.

Then I fell, breaking a towel bar in the process, went to work, and managed to last until I started having serious pain in my arm before I totally lost it.

Maybe knowing how this started can help me short circuit the next meltdown ...

Just wanted to give a public thank you to Erica-Jane and all the people on the BC chat who helped pull me out of my down. And to everyone who sent me a message of support when I needed it.

You guys are amazing.

Huggles to all!

I feel a lot like Frodo did at near the end of "The Lord of the Rings" when he said, "I have been wounded by bite, sting, knife, and a long burden. Where shall I find rest?"

I have a rough draft of the next chapter of "Mercy" ready.

Would somebody like to give it a read, and see if its okay to go?

I continue to be blessed by the people who care about me.

Yesterday's example? My pastor, who took time out of a busy day to talk to me for a half hour because i was having a tough time.

I only wish everybody had a support system like mine.

so let the party begin!

Well, its been a tough slog, but Chapter 3 of Mercy is up.

Hope you guys like it.

It was a little hard to come up with a third thing I like about me, but since I managed, I will continue my list;

I like that I believe I have made a small difference for tans people with my lecture, and with my openness online.

I think by sharing my story, my struggles, I have helped a few people understand what it means to be trans, and encouraged them to be compassionate to those who have this struggle.

It may be only a tiny ripple in the pond, but who knows where that ripple will spread to, and that's not nothing.

One thing about me I'm happy with is the fact that I refuse to live in a bubble.

I have friends who have different viewpoints on religion, politics, and just about everything else. I read and listen to news sources from both the left and the right.

I think its a healthy thing, to be able to consider different views on things. Sometimes, I've even changed my mind or at least thought "that was a good point".

I'm not saying this to brag. Anybody can do this, if they want to.

Every once in a while, the things I want to talk about in this blog are hard for me to actually get out.

Sometimes, its because they are from a dark place, sometimes, they are embarrassing, and sometimes, I just dont feel like I have the words.

Today's blog is a little of all of the above, but let me try anyway.

I was laying on my couch, watching tv, when a commercial for a product to help men get an erection came on. It was one of those where an older couple is doing stuff together, then they begin to PDA, and the announcer tells how good the med is.

Well, tomorrow I get a physical and I am super anxious about it. Last year after my exam I came home shaking and crying, and I am already pretty shaky as it is.

If you could spare a prayer or a hug or both, that would be nice ...

Kinda a bad news/good news deal.

First the bad news.

Read the wrong story here, and since have been paying for it with flashbacks.

Good news is I have an appointment Oct. 31 to speak to a doctor at the Leduc Mental health clinic, so help may be on the way ...