I think I managed to find a place beyond pain today.

My knee was really hurting, then suddenly, it stopped, and instead felt numb, like it had fallen asleep.

Then the muscles around my knee started sending out this message of pain, exhaustion, and finally, they went numb too.

Like I had so much pain, my nerves just ... shut down.

I am gonna assume that's probably not good ...

Got triggered at work again today, but at least I think I know what set me off this time.

I was kinda fragile anyway, but I think the trigger was the flash from the camera in the photo studio. Right after it happened, I honestly felt like throwing up, and it took me a while to get myself centered again.

I'm trying my best, but I hate being so fragile all the time ...

Saw an interesting article in the latest issue of "McCleans" about OCD and grief. Seems this mother noticed that her son's OCD started soon after the kid's grandfather died, and eventually got a lot better once he processed his grief.]

What do you guys think? Is there a link between OCD and grief?

You ever get the feeling something is wrong, but you can't quite pin down what it is?

That's how I feel today.

If you have read any TG fiction at all, there's a good chance you read something like this: a new girl discovers that girls can be very ... earthy and share intimate details with other girls
.
Well, I don't know how common that is in real life, but I had something like that happen to me yesterday. I had a conversation with a co-worker, in which she ... overshared details about her period.

I hope I didn't come across as clueless in my response ...

Remember how yesterday I got called a "gentlemen"?

Well, as if to make up for it, a I overheard a mother tell her little kid "watch out for the lady" - referring to me.

Gender stuff is weird, isnt it?

Okay I have a bit of a weird one for you, so forgive me if this makes no sense.

A while back I made a little poem called "I hate my toes", which was mostly just a little bit of nonsense about how having someone who loves you turns even your least favorite parts of yourself into something special.

And while my toes arent my least favorite body part (that is and always will be my male bits), I havent exactly ever been particularly fond of them either - they always looked too ... masculine to me.

I had a visit from someone from my cleaning company today, and a couple of good things are hopefully gonna come from it.

One is he promised me that he will see about getting my coverage for my meds going, and he's also promised me that they will get me an actual uniform.

So I am going to give this news a tentative yay ...

I have been trying my best to make this blog super positive lately, and it helps that some good stuff is going on, but as the point of this little exercise is to be honest, I do have to share some not-so-positive stuff.

Right now, my biggest worry is my health. Now my pain levels have been slowly increasing again after a period of leveling off, but that's not really what's new.

During a conversation I had with my mom this weekend, it occurred to me that she has her own kind of PTSD.

She was talking about some stuff that happened before she married my dad, and it was like she wasn't just remembering, but reliving the painful stuff.

I could suggest counseling, but she can be stupidly stubborn sometimes, and seeing someone is one of those areas.

Ah, well. I can give her lots of love, that will help a little, I'm sure.

Somehow, over the last couple of days, I've missed talking about the fact that I had a little accident with my car, ending with me losing one of my tires.

Fortunately, I'm okay, and although I have had to pay about $ 900 for the repairs, I am back up and running again.

So all's well that end's well, I guess.

Cute moment from work yesterday.

I was passing by the tills with my cart and this little girl gave me a big smile, so I stopped, and said, "Oh oh, I think I saw trouble. Are you trouble?"

The little girl nodded enthusiastically, and her mother laughed.

Its the little moments like that which are worth treasuring.

Well, my lovelies, I am back online in the new place, so here is my update:

1) the move: It went fine, we're unpacking and slowly making the place our own.

2) my job: I have been transferred to another store, working 11 am to 7 pm Monday to Friday

3) My car: I had a little accident today, so I am going to have to get my car repaired and probably use up most of the cushion I had built up in the process.

Well for those who haven't yet lost patience with me in regards to my story "Mercy", I have good news - I've started working a bit on the next chapter.

Will still probably be a while in coming, I cant spend a lot of time writing, as I have packing to do yet for this move, but at least I am not totally blocked on the story any more.

I also wanted to thank everybody who took the time to send some huggles to Drea, it sounds like they helped a bit.

Huggles to all !

Well, I saw my gender doc yesterday, and it was a mixed thing, with some good news and some bad news.

First, the bad news - if I want to even get an orchy, much less SRS, I need to start taking dieting seriously, and even then its gonna be iffy.

The good news is my doc has prescribed a new drug to help me with the PTSD, which I hope to get filled out Sunday. The drug's active ingredient is also one of the active ingredients in pot, so I guess you could say I'm gonna be (sort of) a pot head ...

Finally cleared my writer's block enough to finish a story. Sadly, its not a new chapter of Mercy, but something much closer to home, and much darker.

I look forward to seeing what people think of it.

I had kinda an up and down night last night.

First, mom and I managed to get another load of stuff over to the new place, so that was a yay.

Unfortunately, last night I also had to fight against a nasty voice telling me how ugly I am, how nobody would ever wanna go out with me, on and on and on.

And as it is raining cats, dogs, and possibly gerbils outside, I don't think its safe for me to go to church and get the huggles I need ...

Ah, well.

Well, crap. I was having a pain/ptsd/gender dysphoria bad day, and then I came home to hear some idiot shot cops in Dallas.

Sighs ... it might be blanket fort time ...

I am overwhelmed by the number of people who took the time to wish me a happy birthday.

Bless all of you, and huggles!