well, I think all the pain I am getting in my hips and knees is spreading to the parts in between.

Last couple of days, I've been at 8/10 for pain in my left thigh, and 5/10 for pain in my right thigh.

this on top of being 9/10 in the hips and knees, and 11/10 in my private bits. (No, I'm not kidding. flashes of pain there so bad I almost passed out.)

Ah, well.

I hope you guys don't mind, but I would like to take you behind the scenes of Mercy for a moment.

A while back, I felt really stuck on this story. What I wanted to do was get Faith to a point where she had grown enough and learned enough that I could bring back Brand for a final confrontation, but I simply didn't know how to get there from where the story was at the time.

So realizing that conflict drives stories, I asked for help in creating an opponent for Faith.

I wanted to ask everyone's opinion.

What punishment should Donavan receive in my story "Mercy"?

In honor of Remembrance day, here is "In Flanders Fields",

IN FLANDERS FIELDS POEM
The World’s Most Famous WAR MEMORIAL POEM
By Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place: and in the sky
The larks still bravely singing fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead: Short days ago,
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved: and now we lie
In Flanders fields!

Another pain filled day, and I discovered I really walk funny. My right foot sometimes goes from side to side rather than say back to front or front to back, and when that's not happening my right leg is going in some completely other direction than my left one.

To make things even more stressful, I came home to discover my dog is limping quite badly too.

Today, I saw a tiny toddler decide to "help" clean up the store. She took a training potty that had fallen on the floor (the thing was almost as big as she was) and put it back on the others of the same color.

I so wanted to give her a gold star and make her an honorary cleaner ...

One of the worst things about mental illness is the stigma attached.

I mean, most people would probably rather say they needed to miss work due to explosive diarrhea than admit they're struggling with say depression.

Well, I am going to fight against that right now.

Today was not a good day. I got triple-teamed by depression, PTSD, and gender dysphoria. (Not to mention physical pain).

I pretty much felt like I was getting my butt kicked the whole shift, so I am really glad to put the day to bed ...

I'm just sitting here, having realized that if I hadn't sabotaged myself, I might have had totally transitioned by now.

By delaying my name change, I cost myself more than $ 4,000 which would have come in handy for paying off my car and putting myself in a position where even if i wasn't able to work for months after surgery I'd still be above water.

Ever manage to have a really good moment and a really bad one at the same time?

I managed that today.

I was doing my rounds, when I suddenly realized I couldnt see the keys I use on the job.

I panicked, and left my cart and ran to the men's bathroom, which was the last place I remembered using the keys.

I went inside, and a guy standing at the sink said, "Ma'am, I think you're in the wrong bathroom."

I turned interesting shades of red, retreated, and checked my cart again while waiting for the bathroom to be clear.

Okay, I need help remembering the name of a story.

It was a Whately story, about a girl with gadget powers, who was forced to make weapons for this guy, and when rescued, went to Whately with a lot of trauma and even wanted a UV armband.

Anybody know what I'm looking for?

Well, I am breathing a sigh of relief. I got my physical done, and it did NOT have to include any invasive tests.

My doctor says considering my overall health, assuming my bloodwork comes back okay, I can skip getting stuff shoved up places I'd rather not be touched.

Whew ...

There is a great picture I've seen on the net, of a dog sitting in front of a computer with the caption "I have no idea what I'm doing."

Why mention this?

Because that's kinda where I am with my stories at the moment.

I have no idea where the stories are going. I have no idea what's gonna happen next. I'm just hoping at the end they're halfway decent and readable ...

My muse has gone all roller coaster, and all i can do is hang on for dear life ...

I have an idea what to do next for Mercy, but for it to work, I need a villain. I need someone to take offence at Faith for some reason, and do stuff (indirectly) to make her life more difficult.

Suggestions?

Well, I sent off my letter to the benefits company, so all I can do is wait and hope its enough to get them to reissue the check in my male name.

Meanwhile, I have a few other things I need to take care of - I have to book a physical with my doctor, and I need to get an appointment to see the PTSD therapist ASAP.

See, between pain and stress, I could really use some one to talk to about what happened to me so I can maybe slow down the number of flashbacks I'm having ...

You know how you can tell you have a long way to go in your healing journey?

When it's 2 AM, and you're holding on to a teddy bear and crying.

That was me last night.

I was triggered by a story that featured an idea I call "the magician's force". Basically, it's where you give someone the illusion of choice, but you've rigged the outcome beforehand.

I believe my abuser used something like that with me.

And so I cried for the seven year old child who fell into the hands of such a creature ...

Ah, well. Must carry on, regardless.

I have a bit a problem.

I am kinda blocked on Mercy, to the point I'm willing to ask for suggestions if anybody has one.

But that doesn't mean I'm blocked for story ideas.

I have started what I hope will be a funny take on Alice in Wonderland.

I am noodling an idea called "Help! My girlfriend is a unicorn!"

I even have a Jaci and Dottie story peculating,

So its a strange problem, that I'm blocked on the one story I really want to get back to writing ...

Ah, well.

One of the parts of adulting I'm trying to learn is how to make mistakes.

Now that probably sounds confusing, so let me explain.

For most of my life, any mistake I made became huge, an example of my general unworthiness. I would beat myself up, add the mistake to a list of mistakes that I kept reminding myself of, and generally act like I was in a really bad tragedy.

But adults dont act like that.

As I kinda fell into the "poor me" trap, let's rectify that by me posting my gratitude list.

My job - it isn't glamorous, but it gives me enough to keep a roof over my head and food in the fridge.

My family - they all may not agree with my transition, but they all love me.

my church - it means so much to have them in my corner.

My friends, both off line and online. You guys are awesome.

Well, thanks to my own bad choices and laziness there is a good possibility that I will cheat myself out of four thousand dollars.

See, way back when I started with Walmart, I got a little bit of Walmart stock given to me by the company. When I stopped working for them I was supposed to get a payout - about 4 thousand dollars.

But due to a mix-up, they sent me a check - in the name of Dorothy.

Which isn't my legal name yet.

Which meant I couldn't cash the check