Dorothy Colleen

true story

True story. When I was in elementary, I went to the principal and asked to be promoted to the next grade. Trying to give a reason why I shouldn't, the principal gave me a test equal to what that grade would get. I passed it. Then he gave me a test for the next grade. I passed it. Finally, he gave me a test given to university students, and I failed. When I realized they weren't going to let me skip a grade, I bawled like a baby, saying I had been trying to catch up to my brother, who was 2 1/2 years older than I was.

40 something years later, i still haven't caught up to him.

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Al's adventures in girlyland

Al’s adventures in Girlyland

Every choice we make has consequences.

In my case, a choice of doors had the consequence of a totally new life.

My name is ... was ... Alan Berkoff, and believe it or not, I was nobody special.

A weak boy, who preferred to escape into books.

Then, one day, I took a walk into a grove of woods not far from my home.

I like the woods, because it is in a valley so when you get inside, you can feel like you’re a long way from anybody else.

Then things got really strange ...

Ten dollars well spent

Well, I did something that some people might think was silly. I was having a tough day with pain and PTSD, and by lunch time, I was getting to a bad place, so on my break, I went to the toy department, and bought a pink hippo stuffie.

I think it was $10 well spent, even if some others would disagree ..

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dreams and their meanings

okay, I want to talk about dreams for a moment.

I am not sure I understand, much less agree with all dream analysis, but when patterns start get being repeated in dreams, its at least possible your brain is trying to tell you something.

For example, I've had a lot of "searching" dreams - dreams where I was looking for a person, a place, or an object.

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some days start out shaky, and stay that way ...

Well, today was kinda a shaky day.

It started with me being rather fragile as I went to bed last night, and then I got woken up at around 5 AM by my mom in a panic because she had locked herself out of her car.

She finally calmed down enough to phone AMA to get them to come and unlock her car for her, but by that point, her struggles had kinda infested me and I spent most of the day struggling with being more fragile, which made a pretty busy day just a bit less fun than it might have been.

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2016 in review

The last week of the year is often given over to reflection on the year that is about to pass, so let me add my own take on 2016.

Out in the world, its been a year of tremendous change -not a lot of it positive. Trump, Brexit, the growing power of Russia, terrorism, - its been pretty hard to find a lot of good news.

Plus, this has been the year of the Celebrity Death. I honestly cant think of a year where more famous people have died, and not just b or c listers, but huge names have left us this year.

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a mostly good Christmas

Well, I had a mostly nice Christmas. My mom was working and brother and my sister-in-law were gone for the weekend, so it was pretty quiet. I did my laundry, took out the garbage, binge-watched "Dirk Gently's holistic detective agency" on Netflix (it was awesome), and then when my mom came home we went to Sharon's and had a supper and gift exchange with her and Samantha. Other than her calling me "Todd", it was a pretty good time, except I had a bit of a panic attack.

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Dorothy the ghostbuster ?

Okay, weird dream last night. I found myself in a haunted house, fighting ghosts with not much more than my bare hands, and as remarkable as it seems, I won. But the dream wasn't done yet. At the end of the fight, God told me to pray for one of the ghosts to return to his body and live again. I did as I was told, with my hand on a casket, and the person was restored to life.

If God's trying to tell me something, I think I need an interpreter ...

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scary moment last night

Very scary moment for my mom last night.

She was taking the dog for a walk, when she spotted a man on the middle of the street forcing cars to go around him.

When the man heard my dog bark, he saw my mom and started running toward her, and she barely managed to get back inside and close the door behind her before he caught up to her.

Could have been very bad ...

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might be a while before there is more from me

Just wanted to let my readers (all three of you) know that it might be a while before you get anything new from me.

Depression is kicking my butt at the moment, and between that and the pain/panic dance I am running low on spoons to the point where just making it to work is gonna be a challenge this week.

Sorry, I hope to be back to bubbly soon ...

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An encouragement for phobia sufferers

I wanted to share a story that might encourage anybody who is dealing with a phobia.

For most of my life, I had a serious phobia about bees. I had been stung as a kid, and after that I couldn't stand to be anywhere near a bee.

Then, one day, I found this video put out by (I think) National Geographic called "Why Bumblebees couldn't run an airport".

Someone had slipped a tiny camera inside a hive, and the result was ... life changing for me.

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Mercy Chapter 15

Mercy Chapter 15.

Faith arrived at the flying building, and nervously went in. Once inside, she saw Vantier practicing her flying. After watching for a while, she approached Vantier, and took her back outside to where there was a couch that had been turned into a swing, and the two of them sat and looked at the stars for a while.

When I was 16 ...

I wanna share a story that I have told very few people.

When I was 16, I was a mess on the inside. Rape and physical abuse had broken me into pieces, and it was only because I was so good at running on autopilot that nobody really knew how bad it was for me.

In my head, I felt like I had a hundred voices - it was so bad I tried to create a mental "parliament" just so there was some kind of order.

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Can I pull my hair out now?

You remember all that fighting I went through to get my drugs covered by my work even though that had been promised from the day I was hired, and they finally told me they got it fixed?

Well, I tried it out today, and my wonderful drug plan saved me a grand total of under 2 dollars on a 45 dollar refill of my estrogen gel.

Can I pull my hair out now?

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Quest for the Silver Cleric

Quest for the Silver Cleric

 

by Dorothy Colleen

 

 

"When the Empire was in flower, the Weres came to fight. The Sea-folk were threatened, and The Dead ruled the night. The situation hopeless, the battle was as good as lost. Then the Silver Cleric came to save us, no matter what the cost.”

And when the troubles returned, the Sea-folk reached across time and space to find a very special person, someone both male and female, to find to rid this strange world of darkness, oppression and misery.

Danica finds herself in a strange world with new languages, cultures, personalities and challenges on a quest to find The Silver Cleric.

some good news

Well, I have some good news to share.

First, my mom bought me some new shoes, and they seem to be helping me walk a little better.

This will really help put less strain on my knees and hips, so that's a yay.

The other bit of good news is my doctor has arranged for me to see a specialist in January about the pain in my privates, so hopefully, I might get some answers as to why I often hurt there.

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About my latest piece

If you peeked at my latest story, and wondered what the heck was going on, let me take a moment to help explain things.

See, about 8 years ago, I found this site, and after lurking for a while, I took the plunge, became a member, and created my first story.

It's called "The Saga of E-Girl", and it was kind of a tribute to the Shazam stories I had loved as a kid.

I wont say its a bad story, but I will say I think my writing has improved since then, but despite that, I have a soft spot for that story, and have revisited the "E-Girl" universe a few times since.

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tricksters

Disney has released a new animated movie, and one of the characters in it is Maui, who is a trickster (demi) god.

When I read that, it got me thinking how common the idea of the trickster is. Almost every mythology around the world seems to have a character who could be called a trickster, whether its Maui, or Loki, or Annasi (trickster spider from Africa, who was so clever he often tricked himself).

I wonder what that says of us as a species, that we love the idea of a trickster so much?

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pain is spreading

well, I think all the pain I am getting in my hips and knees is spreading to the parts in between.

Last couple of days, I've been at 8/10 for pain in my left thigh, and 5/10 for pain in my right thigh.

this on top of being 9/10 in the hips and knees, and 11/10 in my private bits. (No, I'm not kidding. flashes of pain there so bad I almost passed out.)

Ah, well.

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a word of encouragement

When I was in Jr. High, I thought the way to get popular would be by taking part in sport, so I signed up for a long distance race that would have my school competing against other schools in the city.

A week before the race, I broke my wrist, but I decided to run anyway.

It didn't go well.

In fact, I finished last. so far behind that several of the other runners lapped me.

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behind the scenes of Mercy

I hope you guys don't mind, but I would like to take you behind the scenes of Mercy for a moment.

A while back, I felt really stuck on this story. What I wanted to do was get Faith to a point where she had grown enough and learned enough that I could bring back Brand for a final confrontation, but I simply didn't know how to get there from where the story was at the time.

So realizing that conflict drives stories, I asked for help in creating an opponent for Faith.

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Speech study

On Monday, I got to participate in an interesting study on speech.

They put sensors on my body, and recorded me talking about a video, and what they created on the computer looks like a stick figure with my voice.

They plan to show this to people, asking them if they can determine if I am male or female based on my voice and the movements of the stick figure.

When they get their information, they plan to use it to help trans women pass better in terms of their speech and body movements.

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frustrated

I am very frustrated. After a pretty good day with only mild pain, I was heading home when I got a flashback while driving. Thankfully, I was able to keep control enough to make it home without getting into an accident, but it still bothers me that even after 6 years of working on this, I am still vulnerable to flashbacks without any obvious triggers.

Sighs ...

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A Moment at the Mirror

A Moment at the Mirror

The young man looked in the mirror and sighed.

He had hoped to see a girl there, but instead he saw a sad boy in his mother’s clothes.

He’d been dressing up whenever he had the chance for a while now, and he still didn’t understand why. What was it about women’s clothes, a woman’s life that attracted him so?

The fact that he didn’t know the answer to that embarrassed him, frustrated him and drained him.

In Flanders Fields

In honor of Remembrance day, here is "In Flanders Fields",

IN FLANDERS FIELDS POEM
The World’s Most Famous WAR MEMORIAL POEM
By Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place: and in the sky
The larks still bravely singing fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead: Short days ago,
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved: and now we lie
In Flanders fields!

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Pain and too many worries

Another pain filled day, and I discovered I really walk funny. My right foot sometimes goes from side to side rather than say back to front or front to back, and when that's not happening my right leg is going in some completely other direction than my left one.

To make things even more stressful, I came home to discover my dog is limping quite badly too.

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Mercy Chapter 14

Mercy Chapter 14.

Faith walked into her class feeling rather nervous.

The teacher had told the class yesterday they would have to partner up for the next assignment, and she had found herself being partnered with a boy named Donavan.

A lot of her nervousness was just new-kid jitters, or at least that’s what she told herself.

When the class ended, Faith’s nervousness had gone away. Donavan seemed like a nice boy, and the topic they were looking at was pretty interesting, so she found herself looking forward to the next class.

triple-teamed today

One of the worst things about mental illness is the stigma attached.

I mean, most people would probably rather say they needed to miss work due to explosive diarrhea than admit they're struggling with say depression.

Well, I am going to fight against that right now.

Today was not a good day. I got triple-teamed by depression, PTSD, and gender dysphoria. (Not to mention physical pain).

I pretty much felt like I was getting my butt kicked the whole shift, so I am really glad to put the day to bed ...

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Quietly and Completely

Quietly and completely

No one will believe me when I say this, but ... it wasn’t my idea.

It all started in my first year at university. I was a young man, going out into the world for the first time, anxious to prove myself and get a degree.

I had a tiny basement suite near the campus, with a bed, a table, a small kitchen, and maybe just enough room to take a deep breath in, if you were careful.

It was still early in the school year when the first change hit.

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