The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 2173 by Angharad Copyright © 2013 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

“Dad said you weren’t going to do anything to that church.”

“That’s correct, Si.”

“I thought you fixing up to having them all kneecapped before burning the place down around them.”

“This isn’t Rwanda, Si–besides your fantasies are often so violent.”

At this point he almost choked on the sip of wine he’d taken. Red eyed and still coughing he protested, “What? you’re the violent one.”

“Am I now, so how come it’s always you the children say is going to kick somebody’s teeth in because they cut you up at a roundabout ? I don’t swear at other road users.”

“That’s different, everyone does it.”

“I just said I don’t.”

“Yeah well everyone but you.”

“I’ve never noticed Stella doing it either.”

“That’s because she’s the one doing it, the carving up I mean.” I had to admit the last time I rode with her I was too busy clenching my buttocks and holding on for grim death to notice if she said anything.

“Perhaps,” the truth was I was terrified of being a passenger in Stella’s car and avoided it like the plague.

“So what revenge are you going to take, given that you were spitting feathers last week.”

“None.”

“None?” he clarified.

“So what if they do it again?”

“I don’t think they will, but if they do then I will destroy them.”

“Should you give them the option?”

“Perhaps.”

“Is that all you’re going to say, per–bloody–haps?”

“Maybe.”

“Arrgh,” he said loudly then rose from the table and walked round the table. “Okay, given you were going to kill each one of them differently last week, what changed your mind?” he asked sitting down.

“I decided that it was beneath me to retaliate except through the courts on the two perpetrators.”

“Well one of them is barking.”

“Yes but not so much as to plead unfit to plead.”

“How could he plead, unfit to plead.”

“His lawyer did on his behalf.”

“Good job it’s not Iran.”

“Why? I asked.

“They hanged some bloke there who was seen to still be breathing in the morgue, so he’s in hospital, and they’re going to hang him again when he’s recovered.”

“You’re joking?”

“I’m not, Amnesty have been condemning the Iranian government and asked for clemency for the man.”

“What did he do?”

“Drug smuggling or something.”

“That’s barbaric.”

“Nah, that’s Iran–you know where they shot that girl a year or two ago.”

“Oh the student.”

“Yeah, some secret police twat shot her just because he could, it was cold blooded murder.”

“I remember seeing the photos in the paper–it was dreadful.”

“So it’s hardly surprising is it that they want to hang this bloke again is it?”

“I thought they had a moderate as president now instead of Arm-a-dinner-jacket or whatever his name was.”

“Yeah, but you thought that about Obama as well and then cuss because he’s using drones to kill people.”

“I’d just like to see people sharing more in this world and grabbing less.”

“Well they can grab shares from me as long as they pay the going rate.”

“Si, you know perfectly well what I mean. There’s far too much violence and greed in this world.”

“If that’s what you really believe how come we haven’t swapped houses with Maureen? How many you got now?”

“Three.”

“And you call me a capitalist?”

“Yeah, I’m a champagne socialist, didn’t you know?” I blushed as I said this.

“Oh like John Mortimer?”

“Rumpole?” I asked and he nodded.

“You know what Thatcher said was her greatest achievement?”

“I have no idea, Si, um–renegotiating the EU treaty?”

“Nope.”

“I give up.”

He smirked and said, “Tony Blair.”

“Tony Blair what?” I asked.

“That was what Thatcher told someone was her greatest achievement, having Blair as a Labour PM.”

“Oh well, little things please little minds, was that before or after she was diagnosed with dementia?”

“Before–oh I don’t know, I always thought she was crazy.”

“Ah but from which asylum did she escape?” It was my turn to smirk.

“Apart from Westminster...”

“Damn, you got it.” We both laughed although on reflection, I wouldn’t wish Alzheimer’s on anyone, even Mad Maggie.

“So, Mother Theresa, what’s the plan for the weekend?”

“I thought it might be nice to do something with the girls.”

“What all of them?”

“Except Julie and Phoebe who’ll be at the salon and Sammi has already said she has a date tomorrow.”

“Another one?”

“Yeah, she’s going with Julie to the salon to get her legs waxed.”

“Couldn’t they have done that here?”

“No, I don’t want hot wax everywhere or hear the screams.” I was joking but the look he gave me showed he wasn’t sure.

“Does it hurt that much?”

“The hairs are ripped from your skin, Si.” He went pale for a moment.

“So it does hurt.”

I rolled my eyes, “No more than having your eyeballs plucked out.”

“Ouch.” He paused, “How would you know that, the eyeballs thing?”

“It was a turn of phrase.”

“But it hurts.”

I was going to say, ‘Like Buggery’, but then he might repeat the question and I again wouldn’t know. “Yeah, it does.”

“Is that why you don’t have it done–‘cos you’re a wimp?”

“No, it’s because I have an electric hair ripper.”

“A what?”

“A depilator, it rips the hairs out as you run it over your skin.”

“Thank God I’m not a woman.”

“I agree,” I said smirking at him.

“Don’t tell me I’ve finally done something right then?”

“Looks like.”

“So tomorrow, what we doing?”

“I thought we could take a ride to the New Forest.”

“And if it’s wet?”

“We put coats on and go to the New Forest.”

“Okay, we go to the New Forest.”

I smiled, “You have such wonderful ideas, Si.”

He smiled back at me and shrugged then realised I’d teased him, but by that time I was rinsing my glass.”

“You bitch,” he called after me but all I did was snigger and carry on up the stairs. I’d arranged to use Tom’s Mondeo with the extra seats in the boot, we’d have Trish, Liv and Meems, plus Danni, Lizzie and Cate. They could all take their wellies and sou’westers if necessary and I’d take my carry sling for Lizzie and Cate could walk a bit before I got Si to carry her.

I was going to enjoy seeing the leaves changing and just be out in the fresh air. We’d see the ponies and the pigs plus I hoped some wildlife and of course plenty of fungi. I’d have to take my book with me because I wasn’t that good with fungi–except obvious things like fly agaric and penny bun. I quite enjoyed fungus forays when I was in school, we’d do one every year though it stopped when one of the boys was seen trying to persuade another to try one called destroying angel, which apparently is deadly poisonous, and he knew it. I think he was expelled a few days later.

“You never did say why you didn’t revenge yourself on that church,” he asked when we got into bed.

“I couldn’t be bothered and it would have reduced me to their level.”

“Fair enough.”