The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 2134 by Angharad Copyright © 2013 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

I was busy helping the girls have breakfast and also feed Lizzie when Danni appeared for her breakfast. “I’m just gonna wear pale nail varnish to school.”

“I’ve got some you can borrow,” offered Livvie.

“I see, anything else?”

“Yeah a bra an’ panties.”

“Under your boy’s clothes?”

“Yeah, I’ll be making a statement but subtle, like.”

“If you wear a bra and panties and nail varnish, no matter how pale, you might as well wear a sign saying you’re gay.”

“But I’m not.”

“That’s what they’ll all think.”

“But it’s girls who wear nail varnish and bras, not gays.”

“Danni, you are so naíve. Someone who is obviously a boy but shows signs of wearing girl’s things, is usually declaring he’s gay. Look why don’t I see if Stephanie is free and you can talk it over with her, because you don’t seem to believe anything I tell you.”

“I do,” she blushed.

“That isn’t the impression I’m getting and I think a third party might be useful.”

“That’s the Liberal Democrats, Mummy,” beamed Livvie who’d returned with the promised nail varnish.

“What is, darling?”

“The third party.”

“Eh? Oh yes, so they are.” These children are too clever by half. She went off chuckling and Danni thanked her for the nail paint.

“Wait there, missy,” I said and picked up the cordless phone and wandered down the hall while it rang at Stephanie’s. I explained my situation and she agreed to come over for lunch and to see Danni while she was at it. I thought I’d better ask David to make something a bit better than the usual Friday snack meal.

Danni looked dismayed when I told her that Steph was coming for lunch. “But I was going to see Cindy.”

“Tough.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Who said I had to be fair?”

“You did, you’re always on about natural justice.”

Hoist by my own petard–again. This is becoming a habit. “There’s little point in Stephanie coming if you’re not available, is it?”

“Now you’re trying to make me feel guilty, I didn’t ask her to come, that was your idea.”

“So I did, which if I recall, I did because I was worried about you–and that was because I’m your mother and thus legally responsible for you. So, Missy, you are grounded.”

“You can’t do that to me, I’m thirteen.”

“The way you’re headed, you’re still going to be grounded at thirty. Now finish your breakfast and get yourself washed and dressed–if you start to behave like a teenage girl instead of some harpy, I might just let you invite Cindy over to lunch.”

“What about Pia?”

“You didn’t mention Pia.”

“Well, I was gonna see her as well.”

“Okay, invite her as well but I’m afraid they’ll have to find their own way–but I want some improvement in your behaviour first.”

“Okay, Mummy,” she smiled sweetly and skipped off and I realised I’d been had again. The scunner.

She returned an hour later as I was doing some ironing. “Here, you should be doing this, young lady.”

“Nah, that’s housemaid stuff, I’m a lay–dee,” she chuckled and wandered off.

“What was that?” asked Stella.

“Apparently, Princess Danielle, is too precious to help with the ironing.”

Stella sniggered, “Well, Watts, carry on, what oh.” She walked off guffawing down the hallway.

“Vive le revolution, bring on the tumbrels,” I called after her.

“Charming,” she called back, “Petite bourgeoisie.”

I carried on with the ironing as I was a bit pressed for time, groan. I’d just finished when David appeared. “If I’d known you were doing that, I could have brought some shirts over for you to practice on.”

He ducked as I swung at him, “I’ve just done ten of Simon’s, so you can go and take a running jump, mister.”

“It was a worth a try, so what d’ya want for lunch?”

I asked him what the options were and mentioned that Stephanie was coming and so were two teenagers. He told me he could do something with the smoked salmon and some white fish we also had, he went on about flaked potatoes and sauce mixes so I sent him packing to get off and do it rather than have me standing in a pool of drool as he tempted my taste buds.

Returning from hanging up Simon’s shirts I made us some tea while he was busy with vegetables and making some delicious smelling sauce mix. I made several cups of tea and called Stella and Jacquie to come and get their drinks.

“Stephanie’s coming to lunch,” I told them and explained what had transpired over the previous twenty four hours.

“You paid someone to hack into someone’s facebook page and insert some rather embarrassing data?”

“I haven’t paid anyone anything–so far.”

“But you knew about it?”

“Not until afterwards.”

“Goodness, an accessory after the fact.”

“Don’t turn me in, Guv’nor, I needs this job f’ the wife an kids, all ten of ‘em.”

“Very good, Watts, I’ll continue to exercise my right to exploit you,” retorted Stella desperately trying to keep a straight face. Jacquie sniggered and nearly choked on her tea.

“Being with Simon and you is like living in a Monty Python sketch at times you know?”

“My hovercraft is full of eels,” replied Stella and Jacquie snorted tea everywhere.

When she’d stopped coughing she said, “That is just so funny, I wish I could think of lines like that.”

“If you have talent...” declared Stella.

“But you haven’t, Missus, that was a direct quote from Monty Python, Simon has all the DVDs in there somewhere.” I nodded towards the lounge.

“Oh great, I’ll have to watch them sometime.”

“Feel free,” I told her then to my plagiarising sister in law, “Is that Fiona I can hear?”

Stella paused in mid dunk of her digestive biscuit, “Bugger, yes it is–you wouldn’t like to grab her for me?”

“Sorry, this one needs a change by the smell of her.” I picked up the snoozing Lizzie and took her off to change her. In the end I bathed her and rewrapped her in Swaddling Clothes–yeah, the name of a make of babygro all in one thing. The manger, however was out in the old cowshed and only played host to baby spiders these days.

By the time I’d finished Stephanie was arriving with her little one and I sent Jacquie to look after the baby so Stephanie could first have a cup of coffee and then interrogate Danni–I mean, talk with Danni.

While she was doing so in my study, Cindy and Pia arrived and I told Trish to amuse them until Danni emerged from the study. They went off to watch some of the Monty Python DVDs with Jacquie and the baby.

“What’s he going to do?” asked Stella referring to Danny.

“I have no idea, I suspect he’ll revert and apart from his hair, he’ll have very little girlish about him again.”

“Is that what you want?”

“What I want is unimportant, it’s what he needs that matters.”

“And that’s what you think he needs?”

“I don’t think I know any more, Stella, I’m just trying to read the signs and react appropriately.”