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(aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 2157 by Angharad Copyright © 2013 Angharad
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I walked slowly up the stairs, give the child a chance to compose herself, I knocked and entered. She was lying face down on the bed sobbing into her pillow. “I hope you took your makeup off before wiping your face in the pillow.”
“Go away,” came muffled from the pillow.
“Where would you have me go?”
“Go to hell,” came the reply.
“Would you really want me to go to hell?”
“No,” more sobs.
“Then why say it?” I spoke calmly and fairly slowly.
“I dunno, do I?” she turned and spat at me in a typical teenage tantrum.
“I think you’re angry with yourself.”
“No I’m not,” was sniffed at me.
“I think you are. You want to be a boy and a girl but at the same time. We could cut you in half but it would be very messy and you wouldn’t enjoy it.”
“Ha ha,” came the sarcastic response.
“Okay, if that isn’t the truth what is?”
“Sammi’s gonna be a real girl and I’ll be left a stupid boy.”
“Sammi has waited quite a long time to become a girl.”
“Yeah, well I don’t wanna.”
“You’ll have to ask Pia to help you then, but it’s likely to be messy so let me know when you plan on doing it and I’ll put some plastic sheets down, or pick a fine day and do it out in the garden.”
“Ha ha,” came from the face in the pillow.
“You think I’m joking?”
“Yes.”
“Well okay, I am, d’you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t know what else to do for you. I’ve tried to understand you but you won’t or can’t help me, and I’m at a loss at what else to do.”
“I’m sorry, Mummy.”
“D’you mind facing me, this hard enough without you chewing a pillow.”
To my surprise she turned over and sat up. I held open my arms and we hugged. It was all I could offer her for the moment. “I’m sorry, Mummy.”
“Sorry for what, darling?”
“For being a nuisance.”
“Are you one?”
“I think so.” She hiccupped or snorted then settled down, head on my shoulder.
“What if I were to say the only nuisance to me is not being able to help you. I watch you seemingly happy for a while then you do something or someone says something and you either fly off the handle or run away. I’m concerned because I love you.”
“I love you too, Mummy.” Then to my astonishment her hand went up her skirt and she scratched her bum without any self consciousness at all. I wasn’t sure if I was flattered that she was so relaxed in my company or that she wasn’t even aware she was doing it. If she starts scratching somewhere else I’m off.
“I wish I knew what was best to do for you.”
“Me too.”
“You like being a girl, really like it, I mean?”
“Until I remember I’m not one.”
“You don’t miss being a boy, then?”
“Sometimes.”
“What d’you miss?”
“Soccer.”
“Is that all?”
“All I can think of for a moment.”
“You don’t miss your friends?”
“I don’t have many, only Pia and Cindy.”
“So no, male friends?” I said carefully.
“No.”
“What about Richard Ralph.”
“He was okay, I guess.”
“But not a friend?”
“Not really, I couldn’t start talking about things with him like I can with Pia or Cindy because he didn’t really know me.”
“I understand that yet you could snog with him.”
“It was only a bit of fun–didn’t come to nothin’.”
“Would you have like it to?”
“It can’t can it–I’m a stupid boy.”
“Okay, I’ve waved my magic wand a la Harry Potter, you’re now a full girl, does it matter now?”
“It might.”
“What would you like me do to now you’re a proper girl?”
“Can I have a pony?”
Ten out of ten for surprising me.
“Is that what you’d like if you were a girl?”
“Yeah, an’ some more earrings.”
“Speak to Julie, she’s got loads.”
“Would you like a pony as Danny, the boy?”
“Dunno, I might do, why?” She sat up and looked me in the eye.
“I’m not buying you a pony but I suspect we could arrange for you to ride at a riding school, that way we don’t have to look after a horse.”
“I’d look after it? And Gramps would like its poo for the garden.”
“Gramps can go and get some poo if he needs it that badly. I notice that you don’t seem as keen to help him in the garden, in girl mode.”
“I thought I might break a nail.”
“You could borrow my gardening gloves, that would help.”
“Thank you,” she pecked me on the cheek.
“You’re welcome. You’re certainly more affectionate as a girl, aren’t you?”
“Am I? If I kiss anyone as a boy they think I’m queer or a pervert. Girls can kiss anyone–well not on the mouth–but you know what I mean.”
“So you feel it easier to express yourself as a girl?” That wouldn’t be difficult, he never says anything about how he’s feeling as a boy.
“Sometimes, girls can do things boys can’t.”
“Apart from wearing dresses and makeup?”
“Yeah, people aren’t scared of girls like they are boys.”
That was very sad, though with the apparent penchant our youth seem to have for drink and violence it seemed understandable.
“You had a few scraps as a boy, didn’t you?”
“Usually about Billie, why?”
“D’you miss that aspect of being a boy?”
“No, I only did it to save her. I don’t like fighting, fighting’s for idiots.”
I suppose I asked for that.
“Mummy?”
“Yes, darling?”
“How long would I have to be a girl before I got the operation?” A cold shiver ran through me.
“I don’t know, I think it would depend upon if you’d stopped growing.”
“Well Trish got it easy enough.”
“Trish’s circumstances were somewhat unusual.”
“So if I half hacked it off would they make me a girl?”
“Danni, don’t you even dare thinking about that–they’d probably sew it back together and tell you never to come back because they wouldn’t do it.”
“Why not?”
“Because it would suggest you were mentally unstable and thus not suitable for gender reassignment.”
“That’s not fair?”
“I’m afraid life frequently isn’t fair.”
“Can’t you use your magic to make me a girl.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because it would consider you weren’t ill or damaged down there.”
“So if I slashed it with a knife you could?”
“No, it would at best only heal it back as it was, it might not heal it at all, so don’t be silly.”
She sighed. “I’m never gonna be a proper girl, am I?”
“What d’you mean?”
“Well, I can’t get the operation so I’ve got dangly bits, I can’t even grow tits, the only thing I can grow is my hair.”
“If you remain like this for a while Stephanie might prescribe testosterone blockers.”
“What would that do?”
“Stop you turning into a man.”
“But not turn me into a woman?”
“No, because to do that she’d need to be sure it was what you wanted permanently.”
“Well of course I do.”
“Danni, sweetheart, you’ve only been a girl for a couple of weeks.”
“It’s four actually.”
“Okay for a whole month, that’s about one one hundred and sixtieth of your life. If she prescribed hormones and you changed your mind and wanted to go back to being a boy, it could complicate things.”
“Like what?”
“You might be impotent and infertile.”
“Like what does that mean?”
“It might mean you can’t get an erection or able to father children. It would also likely make your doodah smaller and you’d have some breast tissue.”
“Fine, let’s do it.”
“Do what?”
“Get me on hormones or whatever.”
Sometimes this child worries me, other times she frightens me half to death.
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Comments
We're no closer
to the end of this drama. Is this the longest cliffhanger that Ang has ever inflicted upon us?
S.
Is it really that clear --
As to what Cathy should do in this situation? I myself cannot make the decision on how to react in a competent manner in this regard. Seems a "hell if I do" or "hell if I don't" choice. Is there a time frame that demands this decision be made so soon?
Hugs, Fran
Hadn't thought of it that way but yes
I suspect it is the longest cliffhanger in this saga.
Cliffhanger
It's a cliffhanger that mirrors real life for all too many people.
Sigh ...
Sigh ... I am turning in my psychological credentials.
G
Ho - hum...
Where is this going to end? I've given up on opinions with this one.
I'll just have to be patient and wait and see.
Thanks Ang,
Still lovin' it.
Bev.
Am I ever...
Am I ever glad I'm not Dann*'s mom! I think I'd be even more likely to be pulling my hair out than Cathy. It's scary what Dann* does and says.
A lot of the problems seemed to show up after the rape, which isn't surprising... But, still.
And, it's obvious that Pia and Cindy's influence is a significant factor. *Whew*
Guess it's time to sit back and watch the ride. I still wonder if part of the issue is how easy Cathy's made it for Dann* to present as a girl. I know Dann*'s asked her so often what SHE wants her kid to be... It's a VERY difficult issue and one that in real life would be difficult to deal with... I sometimes wonder if having Dann* spend time BACK as a boy for a while (so they can remember what it was like) might be worth while... But, given the age, forcing it is likely to push the kid in the opposite direction... For the wrong reason.
Thanks,
Annette
So all Danni
would miss is football.... Not sure if i totally believe her, Maybe if Danni really thought about it there may be other things that she would miss What they might be heaven only knows but surely being a boy is more than just football
Seems to me that Danni in his Danny form was pretty happy most of the time ,So either Danni was a good actress in playing a boy and Danni is the real person behind the boy facade or Danni has another reason ... Maybe it could be a little jealously of what the girls seem to get from Simon and Cathy,
Either way each day that goes by means one step closer to a male pubery for Danni and if it is my first suggestion that would be a sad day indeed for Danni..
Kirri
What Dannni was told by someone else
Wasn't Danni told by either Billie or Alice that the future they saw for her/him did not show him being female (or words to that effect)? I think Danny is going to get himself straighted out and be the male that was foretold, but I have no idea how.
Don't let someone else talk you out of your dreams. How can we have dreams come true, if we have no dreams?
Katrina Gayle "Stormy" Storm
This seems to be a first
This seems to be the first of Cathy's children who have been undecided this long about their gender. It remains to be seen which way (s)he goes. Some times an innie and sometimes an outie. Patience is needed here for Cathy and all us readers.
Thanks, Ang.
Much Love,
Valerie R