The Gowns
Legacy

 
If you give, you will receive, dear one.
If you let go, you will lay hold of my heart.
If you change, you’ll be exactly what you are!
If you love you’ll be loved.
In fact, you’re loved already!

Previously…from When Goodbye Means Hello

“Not good bye…just vai con dio, il mio caro donna!” Terry said, once again appearing to dissolve into Theresa. Nevertheless, Nancy wept as she continued to hold Terry in her arms.

And Jay smiled broadly before bursting into joyful tears.

Looking in a looking glass
Do I have to ask myself
Who I really am
It's easy just to wear a smile
And hope that maybe
I can hide the struggles in me
Love has to make a choice
Following one voice
That our hearts long to hear

The Bellino home…the present…

Nancy sat in the recliner; exhausted. Work seemed to be just as challenging as ever, but that’s not where her struggles lie. She looked out the bay window to notice a cardinal that had landed on the bush in the front yard. A sign? Just a red bird among many birds that frequented the feeder that hung from a hook on the window frame.

“Damn it, Terry! Why did you have to….” What was it that the boxer said in Body and Soul? ‘Is that supposed to scare me? Everybody dies?’ or some such nonsense. It was nonsense to think that the huge hole in her heart would be repaired by platitudes, however true they might be. And she grieved for so many things. The life for which she had planned would span well into their seventies or even eighties?

“We were supposed to grow old together, Terry!” She put her hand to her face and wept bitterly; only one moment out of thousands during the day where she allowed herself time to feel.

“Mom?” She looked up to see Billy and Jay standing by the island in the kitchen. Both faces seemed to mirror her own in that they had been crying. Billy was wearing a denim skirt over black tights with a white tee under a scoop necked pullover. Jay noticed Nancy’s examining glance and his face turned even redder, almost in shame for some unspoken chastisement. He looked down at himself. He wore a black tee and jeans, and his hair….dear God in heaven, his hair was shorn almost to his scalp. He turned and went to walk away, but Billy grabbed his arm.

“Let go!” A simple protest followed by a rude shove and he ran down the hall to Billy’s bedroom. The door didn’t slam, but neither did it close in a whisper as the boy screamed a cry of despair the echoed through the house.

“Honey….what’s wrong?” Nancy had jumped from the recliner and was walking quickly toward the hallway. She stopped when she saw the look of utter resignation on Billy’s face.

“Oh God, what’s wrong, Billy?” She repeated, fearing the worst.

“Jay….Oh, hell, Mom…”

Billy might still be straddling that territory between old and new if older still, but the voice was all girl and all defeated. He… Bella put her hand up and waved it and Nancy stopped. She realized Jay might need some time to himself and Billy…Bella needed just as much attention; for what she had no idea, but Jay’s appearance had to have something to do with the moment.

“What happened, Baby?” She pulled her erstwhile daughter into a hug. She closed her eyes and held Bella close. Time to make decisions. She had put off any discussion about changes as long as she could, but both boys had arrived at a place in their lives; a stereotypical moment that might have included bridges to cross or which road to take, but real children deserved real and loving help instead of easy answers.

“Jay’s dad….he wants….”

Bella didn’t need to go any further. Jay’s father lived with his second wife and two kids in Maine. In his departure, the man had left nothing to his former wife or child; a 'former' child of his. She had seen Jay pulled in way too many directions like some sort of prize his father felt he had earned merely by providing sufficient genetic material. As the boy… she hated even to think about her child’s best friend in such a way, since Jennifer was who the friend had become; rather had discovered. But for all intents and purposes, it would be almost impossible to convince Jay’s father otherwise.

“Go away,” the voice came from the bedroom; Jay had shouted it loudly at the knock on the door. It wasn’t rude or abrupt, but a sad plaint from a very overwhelmed child. The death of self can be the worst pain anyone might go through since the body and soul remain in a horrible life-long stasis while hope suffers a sad demise.

“No, Baby….”

She was about to add the word ‘girl,’ which would complete the term of endearment she bestowed on both Bella and Jennifer, but it was Jay lying on the bed on the other side of the door; weeping. She pushed softly and the door moved open enough to see Jay lying face down with his face buried in the pillow. His sobs were intense enough to shake the bed. She walked to the bedside and knelt on the floor, putting her hand on his back. She rubbed it slowly and began praying silently.

An instant later she felt a hand on her back as Bella knelt beside her; the prayers of a righteous …woman? They hoped that their requests were considered and that they might ‘avail’ as the saying goes. But they were faced with dealing with a man who had absolutely no use for women other than what he used them for.

Nancy had read enough about the duality of the human expression… that everyone…even Jay’s father, had some of each gender ‘presence’ in them. Some more than others even to the point of tipping a very precarious balance in a direction that others would come to even hate; that fear of losing their own self that seems to pervade their anger and ignorance toward transgendered children. That ironic ignorance that sought to steal away from their child the very same thing they sought to protect for themselves. It was time for tears once again, but in a fervent prayer — a Gethsemene-like prayer that reached out in petition of a child who had become like her own. Soon all three were weeping; one in desperation; one in cautious hope, but one in confidence that somehow everything would be alright.

That evening…

“No, Phil, I’m sorry, but you’re wrong, and yelling at me over the phone…no….yes, your child is here.” Nancy was tempted to hold the phone away from her ear; almost a comical scene out of a movie. Jay’s dad certain was loud enough. She took a deep breath.

“I’m not obligated to do anything. No, as far as I’ve been told, your ex-wife has custody.” The last word was cut off by a stream of invective that would ‘peel the paint off the wall.’ She smiled as if the man was in front of her rather than miles and miles away.

“I’d really appreciate it, Phil, if you’d tone down your voice; I can hardly make out what you’re saying."

She heard every word loud and clear, but it was almost fun to tease; a brief moment of levity in an otherwise sad day. The click on the other end terminated what had become a very painful call; emotionally and physically. She turned to see Jay and Billy standing in the archway leading to the dining room. Billy had changed into ‘drab;’ sweats and a tee for a show of solidarity that was totally unnecessary. It never is just about the clothes, and in this case it had nothing to do with matter and the physical plain but in matters of the heart and soul.

“I want you to both to rest.” She said it like a suggestion, and both of them stood and stared at her until she said,

“I’m totally serious. Both of you… go back to the bedroom and lie down. This is taking a toll on me, and I’m just the Mom here. You must both be exhausted.” She had thought to call Jay’s mom, but she knew how grueling the woman’s schedule had been with back to back twelve-hour shifts. She made a mental note to invite her over for lunch the next day.

She stepped next to Jay and Billy and stood between the two, grabbing their hands. After a swift if reluctant walk down the hall, they found themselves standing in the middle of Billy’s bedroom once again. Nancy pointed to the bed; their gazes fell upon a pile of clothing.

“Nightgowns and cuddling and sleep.”

She pointed to the bed. A few moments later both of them were sound asleep in each other’s arms; a scene that had played out over and over from when they first discovered how unique and similar at the same time they were. She kissed both their foreheads and turned off the bedside lamp. Nothing more than two children cuddling against a storm. It was really all about heart matters, for which she was supremely grateful. They had ‘discovered’ each other, but no more than any kid their age, and certainly a lot less than most. Two girls learning about life together; more than just best friends forever, but any wedded bliss was still years away. She turned off the room light and closed the door behind her, letting out a fairly relieved sigh.

“Okay, God. I’m all ears.” She felt a bit irreverent, but there’s a passage somewhere that encourages an almost rude and insistent tone; not as a demand so much as a urgent realization that nothing is going to go well unless her God is involved. She prayed often, and very tentatively, as if she was asking for an extra helping of carrots when the table is filled with food. Now it was ‘all business.’ She lowered her face and waited. An old song that her sister sang in church once came to her.

Just to know
That everything we've done
Every word we've said
Every song we've sung
In this world
Where truth is hard to find
All we have to offer
Is the legacy we leave behind

Nancy felt so small, but needlessly so. She worried if she truly had done enough for the two children lying asleep on the other side of the door. Feeling small against the world of problems is one thing; being small and childlike herself in the arms of an infinite giver of life was something entirely different and comforting.

“It’ll be alright.” Not so much a word or two as an encouraging feeling. It all melded together seamlessly from above, but she only knew what she felt. Terry ‘spoke’ to her often, even if only in her head and heart. Whatever tokens she discovered over the course of time since his death could be attributed to any number of coincidences or actions by folks this side of heaven. But she preferred to think that signs and wonders were part of God working in her and for her and her kids.

Not that she would ever dream of taking the place of Jay’s Mom or even his father’s place; no matter how horribly he treated his child. It was more like being a mother-in-law before the fact. That she had a son who was a daughter whom she believed would grow up to marry her best friend who was a boy who really was a girl as well? It was perfectly understandable even if it confused the hell out of her. Someday two girls would stand before God and family and friends and plight their troth, whatever the hell that meant. But she was tenaciously and fiercely protective of the girl who lay side by side with her best friend in restless sleep.

“It will be alright.” She felt that she definitely possibly heard a voice, but the idea of no trusting it never entered her mind; no matter how indistinct and quiet it remained. She smiled and looked up; a glance toward the maker of heaven and earth, in a way and mouthed ‘thank you.’

How it would be alright wasn’t even a consideration at that point. She had absolutely no doubt that even her best efforts to dissuade Jay’s dad would fall upon deaf ears. But another, louder, more patient voice could and would speak to the man who insisted that he only had two daughters and just one, foolishly deluded son.

“If Terry had left anything other than an example of how odd and ironic life can be, it would be his…her…their legacy of integrity and kindness and goodness and strength. Nancy didn’t know how things would work out, but if Terry had anything to say about it on their behalf, it would work out better than any of them could dream.

Not a distant star in their eyes
There's no pretending
Their lives are waiting to discern
All that they can learn from us
And who we've trusted
Love has to make a choice
Following one voice
That our hearts long to hear

Just to know
That everything we've done
Every word we've said
Every song we've sung
In this world
Where truth is hard to find
All we have to offer
Is the legacy we leave behind

Next: A Parent's Heart

Legacy
Words and music by
Dick and Melodie Tunney
as performed by
First Call
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh8Nfi3usLI