The Gowns
Goodbye Means Hello 

 
If you give, you will receive, dear one.
If you let go, you will lay hold of my heart.
If you change, you’ll be exactly what you are!
If you love you’ll be loved.
In fact, you’re loved already!

Previously...
 

“There. Mommy….she …she said that she …brought this for you.” Nancy looked at Billy and tilted her head before turning her attention to where Billy was pointing. On the porch, just in front of the steps was one single white rose. Billy looked back in time just to catch his mother to break her fall as she fainted straight away. He didn’t panic, but instead just sat down next to her and held her hand.

“It’s okay, Mommy…it’s okay.” He smiled and looked into his mother’s face and while she had scared him a little just then, her expression calmed him and helped him feel good, since she had the most peaceful look he had ever seen.

There’s something about earnest conversations between parent and child; age and experience often seem to move reluctantly into the background while wonder and magic come to the fore front. Billy sat on the top step of the porch next to his mother, patting her hand as if to help her revive from some spell. It almost invited a ‘there, there’ from the boy. She leaned sideways and put her arm around him, pulling him into a hug.

“The lady looked like she knew me, Mommy. Who is she?” No ‘Why did she disappear into thin air, Mommy.’ No frightened stares or sad weeping, but a look of puzzled glee, like a game to be played out in a way that was more entertaining than mysterious.

“Honey? She does know you. And she loves you very much.” Nancy brushed the hair out of the boy’s eyes. ‘He needs a haircut,’ she thought absentmindedly, but her heart corrected her immediately as she recalled just how much he resembled his father.

“I don’t know her, Mommy, but she looks like someone I should know? Do I know her?” Billy looked off into space; almost like he was searching for another hint or trace of the woman. Nancy took her hand and pushed his hair behind his ear; a tender gesture that seemed to be more of need for her than for him. He looked into her eyes and smiled.

“Yes, honey…you do, and she knows you. She held you the day you were born.” What might have been a bittersweet or even very sad moment became something special; hope and promise both as strong as any moment ever. She nevertheless choked back a sob; weeping usually is reserved for sadness, but at that moment Nancy was overwhelmed with a calmness and assurance in the midst of their grief. She recalled the day Billy was born.

“I don’t know what the future holds for our child, Nan….I just know he’s going to be what he will be. We might never see anything different about him. But I…I have to go away.” Nancy choked back a sob. She loved her husband with all her heart, of course, but both of them preferred Theresa at home; it just was what worked for them, in every facet of their relationship.

“It’s going to be okay, honey. Billy will be okay and so will you.” It was almost as if both halves of him were saying good bye.

The moment of truth seemed to have arrived so much quicker than anyone had expected. Nancy took a deep breath and pointed out across the yard, as if the woman was still standing there; the boy would likely still remember her appearance clearly.

“She’s part of you, and you her, Billy, honey. Do you understand?” She wanted to hold him and speak the truth to him, but something inside; something that had been inside her for a very long time….it cautioned her to allow him to discover by his own answers instead of her explaining. She had to allow him to find out for himself.

“She said her name was Theresa. Daddy’s name is Terrence.” Nancy shuddered; the boy would forever think of his father in the here and now, which is as it should be, she thought. He smiled as she nodded.

“Daddy doesn’t have a sister, Mommy.” His eyes widened and he smiled, as if he had discovered a treasure. And of course he had.

“Theresa is just like me, Mommy. Right?” Nancy knew where he was going with it, even though he had never talked about it before.

“What do you mean, honey?” Again, no leading or directing; it had to come from him. He smiled as if to say, ‘what do YOU mean?’ It was plainly apparent, wasn’t it? Didn’t she know?

“Mommy? I feel funny inside.” It would have sounded like a complaint; like a tummy ache or the flu, but his face beamed in a broad smile as she nodded. She had witnessed the same look years before, and was glad, even it would mean lots of challenges for both of them as he finished.

“I…I don’t feel like a boy anymore. I feel like…I don’t know…it feels funny but it feels good?” He actually arched his eyebrow; an expression totally foreign for an seven-year-old, but so much like his father as he said at last,

“I feel like a girl.”

Several years later...

“Hey, can Jay stay for dinner?” Billy called to Nancy as she put her purse down on the kitchen counter.

“S’ok with me, baby….your turn to cook, right? And ‘hey’ is for horses!” she quipped. Billy smiled and turned to his best friend for all of six days. Jay and his mother had moved into the neighborhood and the two hit it off. Nothing at first glance would reveal anything about either boy that seemed out of place or odd. And what they shared wasn’t so much odd as it was uncommon. At that point, Nancy was already aware of her son’s unusual desire; nothing so much as a want, but an earnest thirst to be whom he was always meant to be, even if that meant taking after his father.

“Jay’s mom is a nurse, mom. She works at the Children’s Center just like you.”

“That’s terrific, honey. Maybe she can come for dinner sometime. Your father, too, Jay, okay?” The boy had just walked into the room and immediately his smile turned to a frown.

“Mom…” Billy shook his head and Nancy nodded. The boy looked almost as sullen as sad and she suspected the boy’s father had departed of his own volition. Still, both boys lost their father; perhaps something was redeemable from their shared sadness. Billy had grown very strong in his self, and maybe he could impart some of that strength to his friend.

“It’s okay, Billy. Daddy’s living in Maine with his girlfriend and her kids. It sucks.” The boy’s voice cracked; it wasn’t okay at all. Nancy didn’t know the child but for the few times she’d greeted him at the back step with lemonade and cookies for the two of them. She stepped closer and tilted her head; almost asking for permission to provide some comfort. The boy was reluctant to step closer; too many disappointments following many more promises. She nodded.

“I’d really love to meet your Mom. I think we have your number; I’ll give her a call later. But for now, why don’t you and Billy try out that new game he got, okay?” Nancy wasn’t what anyone would call very well off, but well off enough after her father’s help and Terry’s insurance; she worked part-time schedule at the hospital and was able to be home for Billy most of the time.

“Okay, Mrs. Bellino. Can my uncle come too? He’s visiting from England.”

“Your family is British?”

“Nah…he works for the Air Force and they’re training on a new plane. He’s a pilot.”

“Well, any uncle of yours is an uncle of ours,” she joked, getting the boy to smile.

“We’ll plan for Saturday, if that’s okay with them?” Nancy smiled at the boy, relieved that he wasn’t going to be stuck in the doldrums all day; a bit for Billy’s sake but mostly because she hated to see kids hurt. Jay nodded and the two ran off to play.
 

Friday evening...
 

“Bill? Do you think ….can we?” The boy blushed; most of what he wanted to do made him feel ashamed and even a great deal scared. His father had blamed him for the breakup; something about how his wife was supposed to give him a son. That his father was oblivious to information about genetics that even Jay understood was hard enough; it was even harder for Jay because he actually agreed with his father to a point. While it might not have been anyone’s fault that he wasn’t much of a boy, neither did he mind at all. In fact, if he had his way…if wishes were granted to sad kids who sit home scared and ashamed? He would be a girl, and not a moment too soon.

He remembered lying awake in bed one night when his father had gone on a tirade about how ‘odd that boy is.’ He was all of six years old. Most boys, perhaps, would have wished to be bigger and stronger and rougher and whatever else boys are supposed to be. Jay had pulled his stuffed dog closer and closed his eyes. He prayed a prayer that he repeated every single night of his life from that moment on. Unable to muster the faith to believe, he nevertheless was so sad and desperate as to keep trying; to keep that hope alive that somehow God heard his prayers and would answer them one day.

“Dear God….I don’t want to be a boy. I don’t feel like a boy. Please let me be a girl.” That last plea; a subtle difference from what some folks might believe. He didn’t ask God to make him a girl. He wanted to be…to exist…to live her life. He had even picked a name. Jennifer. As far as Jay was concerned he…she was Jennifer.

So each night Jennifer would pray that prayer that sought divine assistance in becoming. And each night she would cry herself to sleep believing that an angry God made her to be a boy and that would never ever change. Then one day Jay met his best friend ever… a boy just like himself. They liked the same shows and the same games and the same color. And thankfully, Jay found the courage to be himself because Billy was brave enough and had that support from his mother to impart the same strength to Jay.

“I’m a girl.” Billy had said quite casually, as if nothing and everything mattered. Something inside him kept him in check; no other person would know that fact other than his mother, from what he understood. But there was just something about Jay that practically screamed ‘trust me…I know how you feel.’ And this coming from a boy who wanted to be a girl but was smart enough at eleven to know that no one besides his mother should ever hear those words. But Billy’s oddly familiar grin helped Jay see himself; a sort of mirror image to his disappointment and pain that eased whatever doubts remained. And so a friendship of sorts was formed; more than that, an odd alliance of two boys who knew that life could be exactly what they hoped for.

“Mom says so long as I keep things quiet and at home I should be okay.” Billy said as he slid open the left door to his closet, revealing something other than hangers with jeans and shirts. The wardrobe was a bit sparse, but it was all his. There in all their resplendence hung a few skirts and some tops and even a couple of dresses. A closet nearly filled with clothes that would perhaps even bore most girls delighted the two as Jay sprang to his feet and ran to the closet.

“I told you…it’ll be okay.” Billy said as he pointed into the closet. “You pick first. You’re the guest.” Jay smiled and blinked back a few tears. The clothes were used and hardly fashionable enough to gain most girls’ attention. But it was more….much much more about the acceptance he had feared he would never receive that brought him to tears. Billy hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. It was foreign and at the same time a completely familiar gesture that began something both would call the most precious moment of their lives.

Saturday...
 

"Hello." The man at the door greeted Nancy with a warm smile. He looked like an only slightly taller 'rougher version of the woman standing next to him. He held his hand back and only offered it after Nancy went to shake his in greeting.

"You know my sister Petra? Pat Armitage." His shake was firm, but no where near the macho greeting Nancy expected. And while he was taller than his sister, he was still literally eye to eye with Nancy. Many folks are under the impression from television and movies that pilots are big men. Some are, but test pilots and military pilots tend to be on the smaller side due to the size of the cockpit, which in itself is as ironic an observation as you might find.

"I'm so glad Jay has someone to hang around with. Nice kids; both of them." Pat said. Petra smiled at her big brother, hoping that he and Nancy might somehow hit it off. In only a few days, the families seemed to have knitted together, as if they'd been life-long friends. And Billy had hoped for someone special since Terry had passed. His mother was more than special to him and to his late father, and only the right person would do. He turned to Jay as the three adults walked into the kitchen; nodding with a big, knowing grin. Jay mirrored Billy's smile and nod; unknowingly agreeing with whatever or whomever ruled their universe; Pat was a keeper, and not for any of the reasons any of the would have ever dreamt.

A few months later...
 

“You like boys?” Jenny asked as she poured herself some Root Beer. Bella shook her head no. Not the ‘boys are icky’ denial; they could be at times, but then so could everybody, right? It was the kind of ‘no’ that needed elaboration. She smiled at Jenny and looked out the window, seeking the words to help her feel less foolish. It was difficult enough, even with the support of her mother, to feel secure in herself. This went beyond anything she had ever discussed with her mother; something that maybe only a BFF could understand.

“It’s like….you know Tommy Pelle? How cute he is? Because he doesn’t …he isn’t….” Bella’s face reddened.

“Like he’s like us?” Jay slipped out of strictly Jennifer-mode and answered the question sincerely.

“Mostly… I don’t think he’d want to be like us? But he’s a lot like how most people would see us if they saw us now? I don’t want to grow up and marry someone handsome. I don’t” Bella put her chin down against her chest to keep from quivering, but she began to cry softly. It’s so hard to believe for anything when you feel like you don’t fit in or deserve what other’s have.

“What do you want, Billy?” Jay lapsed again, but it was really to give his best friend the freedom to be himself, whatever that actually was. At twelve, they had little doubt that things would be painful and disappointing for them under the best of circumstances. But like a true friend, Jay wanted to believe all things good for his best friend. Billy continued to whimper a bit; not a mewling whimper, but the soft cry of someone prepared to grieve for what was yet to come.

“I….” He paused and wiped his face with the sleeve of his sweater.

“I saw a movie….the little girl at the beginning grows up and marries the boy at the soda fountain. And she says...” Billy began to sob. He felt oh so foolish and scared and sad and foolish all over again. A voice came from behind, speaking softly through her own tears.

“And she says….”

Nancy stepped close behind Billy and put her arms around her child, beckoning Jay to come closer. The boy walked slowly toward them and Nancy put her hand out, grasping Jay’s hand and pulling him close.

“She says…she actually whispers in the boy’s ear, 'I’m gonna love you till the day I die.'" Billy began to sob, more out of relief but still fearful because up was down and black was white and ‘wrong,’ however un-wrong it actually was, had become right. Jay looked into her eyes and then into Billy’s and back again at Nancy. At twelve years of age, life had just become painfully wonderful for two boys; a life long journey that would lead them down marble hallways in mansions in the sky, so to speak. Nancy kissed Billy on top of the head and stared back through mothering eyes and nodded ‘yes’ to Jay.

And Jay smiled broadly before bursting into joyful tears.

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