David's (and Jame's) Wish   Wish they’d come. What was wrong? Which of us is wrong? Don’t they love me? I guess not. “I love you!” Yes…I know… I don’t know how to say it without it sounding like a Hallmark card, but thank you for loving me when no one else would. I wish they did.

The Allison home, Scarsborough, Ontario...

“For god’s sake, David, I just don’t understand.”

“What’s to understand? You’ve known this was going to happen, Mom. I’ve spent the better part of ten years trying to tell you. But for all the talking I’ve done, you just seem to hear what you want. I love you, Mom, but you don’t have a say in this unless it’s to tell me and Jimmy that you’ll be at the wedding.

“It just doesn’t seem right, David. There’s something just so unnatural about it.” Pam shook her head as she sat down at the kitchen table. She poured David another cup of coffee and one for herself.

“Mom…please. It’s not David…it hasn’t been David since high school. I hoped you would at least have liked my choice of names.” She sighed, more out of frustration. Her mother, perplexed and confused as usual, at least wasn’t offering any resistance.

“Of course I like the name. It was very nice of you to pick your grandmother’s name. But she…I don’t know how she’d react, knowing her grandson is named after her.”

“Mom…I’m not her grandson…and I’m not your son.” Helen put her head down and began to cry. She had gotten almost past the disappointment and sadness from her mother’s lack of affirmation. But with the wedding only three weeks away, the stress of trying to bring the family together was too much for one girl to handle and she dissolved into frustrated tears. A moment later her sister Megan walked into the kitchen and sat down.

“Mom…what did you say?” Megan shook her head and put her hand on Helen’s back, rubbing it softly.

“I didn’t say anything, Megan…now don’t go starting something.” Pam snapped.

“It’s not what you say that hurts her, Mom…at least not always. It’s really what you don’t say. You haven’t even called her by her name…not once at least while I’ve been around, and since I live here, that’s an awfully long time to be rejected by her own mother.” Megan began to cry, but her tears were from anger; she had endured a similar hurt years ago when she came out to her mother about her love for her best friend Angie.

“Now…what would you have me do, lie?” Pam shook her head and looked away.

“I still love him…that hasn’t stopped, but this makes no sense at all. He’s a boy, and that’s all there is to it!”

“Do you remember visiting her in the hospital in 2010, Mom? I mean, she didn’t have her tonsils out. She didn’t have a knee operation. For Christ’s sake, Mom…”

“Now don’t you start cursing at me. I’m doing the best I can. He and Jimmy are welcome here anytime, but I can’t call them something they’re not.

“Mom…your daughter is sitting her weeping, and all you do is hold onto an OPINION! It’s not for you to decide who Helen is…that’s between her and Christ.” Megan stared at her mother, who lifted an eyebrow and stared back, opening her mouth to make a comment.

“No, Mom…I didn’t curse. I really mean it. You didn’t get upset when you had me…at least you didn’t think I was somehow twisted or wrong.” Megan shifted her attention to her left arm; shortened at the elbow. She lifted her right leg to point at her prosthesis, which allowed her to feel at least marginally like she fit in with ‘two’ feet.

“No…it’s not the same…that…” Pam put her hand to her mouth and began to tear up.

“You didn’t know, Mom…it was at a time when you and Daddy were having…you couldn’t conceive, Mommy….lots of women took it, and it helped some…just not all of us.” She looked at her arm again, not as a reminder to her mother, but a reminder to herself before she continued.

“I didn’t have to worry about anything, Mom…you accepted it… ‘Maybe it’s a test?’ you said. I don’t know why, but it was a test we all passed. I’ve never felt less than anyone in my entire life, and it’s because you and Daddy loved me…unconditionally. You even accepted Angie, and that was such…such a precious thing when she passed. I wouldn’t have gotten over it if you and Daddy hadn’t held me close. You said you were sorry, once….why not now.

“Because it’s my fault he’s this way.” Pam reached over and touched Helen’s back, softly rubbing his back as well.

“It’s my fault…that’s what Nancy Parillo said…he’s not ‘wired’ the right way…that he should have felt like he was a boy, but the drug made him develop….wrong.”

“Mom…I love you, but Nancy Parillo doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about. If that’s the case, you should just take back all of the apologies you ever gave me and tell me I’m just as wrong, since all this shit happened before either of us were born, and it’s no one’s fault, since there is no offense or sin to be seen…You and Daddy were desperate, and this is what happened. I don’t wear glasses…Helen doesn’t wear a hearing aid. Would we be any less of your children if we did?”

“Of course not, Megan…that’s just plain foolish.”

“But it’s not, Mom….I’m not near sighted…I just have deficiencies in my overall physical makeup, like Dr. Cardone said; deficiencies that you helped me to overcome. Helen was born with the wrong equipment; not because of you or even the drug…we just are who we are.

“I don’t know, honey.”

“Helen, lift your head, hon…please,” Megan said softly with her face against Helen’s. Slowly the girl lifted her head. Her face was a mask of tears, but not all of her crying was from the frustration and sadness. Megan had always been the strong one…even when they were little. It was hard being a twin, but she gave David all the strength anyone could ever get from another human being.

“Mom…look at her. She’s beautiful. Not gorgeous or even ‘beautiful’ in a classical sense. Helen still remained a bit boyish in appearance, mostly due to her ‘process’ starting later in life. But she was beautiful…Pam’s other daughter…the confusion had never been Helen’s, but hers.

“He is…pretty, I guess.”

“Mom….please…look at HER…she’s pretty…She’s your daughter, just as much as me.” She shook her head, but her anger had diminished somewhat as she felt at least that one more time she had protected Helen.

In hospital, Montreal, Quebec...

“Do you know how much I love you?” Helen gazed at Jamie with an almost child-like devotion. Jamie smiled and waved as she lay on her back on the gurney. The nurse smiled and said,

“She’ll be in recovery for quite a while, sweetie. One of us will come out to the waiting room and get you when she goes up to the room, okay?”

“Helen…” Jamie looked back at Helen and began to cry.

“No…don’t….I don’t care what anyone says, you’re doing the right thing. You’ve known even longer than I have. You’re the most beautiful girl in the world and you’re all mine.”

“Why won’t they come? Is there something wrong with me?” She looked up at the ceiling and shook her head.

“I’ll give you a few minutes, sweetie…I think this is important enough that the doctor can wait a bit.” The nurse smiled at both of them and left the room.

“They’re feeling guilty. They think we’re somehow making a mistake…rather than us just correcting one. You and I know that, and that, dear one, is all that matters…at least until we figure out how to talk with them.”

“I think it hurts more that they love me.” It made no sense, but it did make sense; both to Jamie and Helen, since it was a benign rejection.

“I know…they love us on their terms… If you and I came to them and said we were going to live together; still as David and James? I think after Megan lost Angie they finally figured that out. But they feel like somehow we need to be fixed…not our bodies…but us…that we’re wrong and if we pray enough or cry enough or get enough therapy or the right meds, we’ll just let it go.”

Jamie turned her head to one side and began to sob. Helen leaned over the gurney and spoke softly.

“I don’t know what to say…without sounding like a Hallmark card, but you loved me when no one else would…I mean…Megan has always supported me, but even when you and I were kids, you were the only friend…you always saw me as who I was. I’ve only been Helen legally since the state changed my birth certificate, but you knew me as Helen when we were in Middle School.

And you’ve been Jamie…my girl…since I first laid eyes on you. They don’t know any better, but they will. I wish they loved US…who we really are. Our love and our life together will show them…not how wrong they are, but what they’re missing, okay. I love my Mom and I know you love your Dad and Mom, so it’ll be okay. I don’t know how, but I promise…

“I love you.” Jamie said as Helen kissed her cheek.

“Me, too!”

Next: Amanda's Wish