Providence - The Valley Part Four And though the pain is an ocean Tossing us around, around, around You have calmed greater waters Higher mountains have come down

Dinner was simple that evening; pizza and wings and some wine. Diane and Michelle stopped by and picked up Deedee so the girls could catch up. April had not realized just how angry still she was at Terri's parting, but after dinner, the conversation turned to more serious things, helping April understand.

"April and I lived together for about two years; most of that time without the help and support of anyone other than ourselves. My parents still are not speaking to me, despite what I've been through since April and I broke up." Terri looked directly at April as if to say, "If you only knew." She continued.

“It was absolutely a wonderful shock when April's mom and dad "came around." Her mom actually wrote me a letter apologizing for her and her husband's behavior. I don't know what she expected, but I phoned her shortly after that and thanked her. By then, we'd broken up and April was back with her parents for a while before she struck out on her own. I didn't talk with April for some time, and I left the impression that I was angry." She again looked at April and she half-smiled, but there were tears in her eyes.

April was still so upset that she missed the visual clue entirely and said,

"What was so bad that you couldn't talk to me all that time? What did I do? What did I say?" She wasn't entirely self-centered at that point; it was completely understandable that she would want an explanation. What she heard next made her feel small and ashamed, though it wasn't Terri's intent.

"Honey....I didn't say anything because if I had, you would have insisted we stay together, and as you see now, it wasn't what was meant to be." Terri looked over at Lainey and smiled. "You've been blessed with a wonderful family, and I couldn't be happier for you. But if I told you what was going on you would have stayed with me and then we both would have regretted it. I am sorry, because I know now that keeping a secret from you was unfair. It should have been up to you to decide what to do with what I had to say, and I know now you would have handled it okay. Can you forgive me?" She looked at April again and she started to cry.

Lainey reached over and held her hand while Katlyn, the newbie in the group, felt entirely uncomfortable and typically left out. It wasn't anyone's intention to leave her out, and she would discover she was included in the foursome for a reason that was to bring comfort and release to someone other than herself.

"What is it?" April almost demanded an answer, but it wasn't so selfish; she was truly concerned about her former lover's well being. It had to be something serious.

"What is it...Terri, what is wrong?" Her voice softened and her mood changed to where Terri felt she could continue.

"I found out just before we broke up that I had breast cancer." She grabbed a paper towel from the table and wiped her eyes, but it wasn't entirely helpful since she couldn't stop crying. She was joined immediately by Lainey, who wasn't a cry-baby as some of her friends had suggested; she was a very sensitive girl who wanted the best for everyone and was unconsciously following the Biblical command to "mourn with those who mourn." She grabbed Terri's hand once again and squeezed it. She raised Terri's hand to her face and began to kiss it in comfort.

Again, Katlyn felt left out, but not out of the choice of the others; she just didn't know what to do to help. April by now had become so embarrassed by her own behavior that she turned bright red and burst into tears. Once again, for April, a reaction that was becoming more and more a part of her own transformation, once impervious to pain; almost invulnerable, she was becoming the sensitive caring woman that she had always been meant to be. She stood up and walked to Terry and put her arms around her.

"I....m...so....so...rry, Terri. Oh. God...I'm so sorry. Please forgive me? I didn't know." Her perspective had changed, as had everyone else's as Terri's confession helped everyone, Katlyn included, see just how blessed they were. After several minutes, everyone was exhausted from the sheer emotion of the moment. Terri grasped each woman's hand in turn and smiled, weakly but sincerely and continued.

"I'm okay...for now." She smiled weakly again, and April, Lainey and Katlyn completely understood the "for now." Cancer doesn't just go away; it can hang on tenaciously for years, leaving its oppressive presence as a vague but too easily recalled reminder of our mortality. Terri explained that she was cancer-free for months, and the doctors, as we have seen with others' situations, remained "hopeful."

"Is there anything I...we can do?" April asked. Quite often, in situations such as these, people ask this question, not actually expecting an answer. They mean to express sympathy or empathy or whatever else might be natural, but there usually isn't much one can do after the fact. Today was different.

"Actually...yes." Terri said, this time smiling with more strength. She looked at Lainey and April and even Katlyn and said,

"Can I...do you have..." She started to mist up, as if asking for help after such a debilitating and devastating time was shameful or embarrassing. Anyone who knew Terri knew that she was entirely generous and thoughtful herself, and often to the exclusion of her own safely and well being. She was actually going to stop talking altogether when Lainey said,

"Whatever it is, yes. Do you need a place to stay? Can we help with anything? Whatever...it's yours." Lainey was enjoying new success in an area that we have already seen Katlyn was working on as well; she was gaining her own voice. Of course, April would gladly have offered anything, but it was important that Lainey be the one to offer; it gave her confidence in her relationship with April, if you follow me. She looked over to April for approval and received an anxious, if somewhat embarrassed nod. April didn't need to feel ashamed anymore; Terri's words had demonstrated her understanding and really there was no need to feel ashamed. They were friends, after all. The three women were bonded in a commonality of which Katlyn had no connection. That was about to change.

"I used up almost all of my savings; my bills...the operation..." Terri began to cry, more out of relief than fear, as April stroked her hair. Lainey would have felt jealous only days ago, but now felt confident and good about herself; she was going to be able to help someone, which always made her feel good. But she was also sure that her relationship with April had changed; as Lainey had grown stronger and more secure.

"You can stay as long as you need; don't worry about a thing." April was crying again, but more out of relief than embarrassment. Hearing that her friend was okay was great, but knowing that she and Lainey could do something for her made things a whole lot better than moments before. The three women felt relieved and things seemed to get better until another voice spoke up, softly and with great emotion.

"I'm so sorry....You must have been so scared. And no one to help or talk to." Actually, Terri had gotten some help with a cancer support group and her church helped her with some of her bills, but Katlyn didn't know that. And this was a transformational moment for this shy, frightened and insecure girl, since it was the first time since all of her abuse started so many years ago that she was capable; yes, actually able to care about someone other than herself. She got up and did the only thing she knew how, even if it felt awkward and uncomfortable. She moved closer and by her body language almost appeared to be asking permission, and she hugged Terri. She kissed Terri's hair and cheeks, her tears mingling with this stranger’s; her new friend, as she wept not for herself, but for the first time in her life for someone else. The guard was now down, and her own rescue was at hand.

The Valley Song — Jars of Clay

Next — Not so different after all!