Stanhope, New Jersey, early April...

It was raining… not terribly cold, but just enough to make Helen’s hands ache. She smiled as she walked into the kitchen.

Seven years… no… Seven and a half as one of her great-nieces would say. Coffee always ready in the early morning. Of late she had returned to the routine, even if the aroma of Arabica set to brew by a timer instead of loving hands still proved to be a bit more bitter than sweet.

“You can enjoy it… I won’t mind… ” Helen heard the tender voice inside her head as she poured herself a mug of coffee. She shook her head no at the words; not for what they just said, but for what words she feared would follow.

“She’s nice, babe.” An unnamed attractive seasoned actress came to mind. Another face appeared; a family acquaintance who could never in a million years understand...

“Uh…” Brilliant dialog, as one of Helen's friends would say.”

“It’s okay to look.”

“I…”

“You looked. You looked and now you’re angry with yourself.” The voice still had the knack of soothing to get its way. Terry would never be accused of coercing. She just knew what Helen needed to hear.

“You feel guiltier now than at any time in your life, and that’s just wrong.”

“But I…”

“Even more than when you thought about dinner with that guy who moved in down the block.”

Helen bit her lip at Terry’s words, even if they were just prompts and cues from her own guilty conscience.

“He’s nice, but you knew that it wouldn’t be right.”

“It wasn’t right, Ter…”

“I thought it wasn’t right for you because that’s not what or even who you’re all about. It’s okay to like the women in those movies you were scared I’d notice.” Terry almost giggled as the gentle tease evoked a gasp from Helen.

Day after day I must face a world of strangers
Where I don't belong, I'm not that strong
It's nice to know that there's someone I can turn to
Who will always care, you're always there

“But you felt guilty anyway.”

“I didn’t want to…”

“To hurt me? No, Helen. That never hurt me other than to know you feel guilty for being human. You’re being exactly who I love.”

“But…” Helen walked out of the kitchen and sat on the stairs and gazed out the window as tears began to fall.

“I’d say ‘None of that,’ but I know they’re vital to you. Your tears...they were always vital to me. They still are.”

“I…” Helen shook her head again and half-smiled. She couldn’t get a word in edgewise, even if the debate was really with herself. She stared down and the mug of coffee and her gaze fell further down at her nightgown. Even barely frilly gauze evoked a guilty wince.

“You look about as nice as anyone who is sad can be.”

“That’s not fair!”

“You don’t have to feel guilty about being sad. I miss you, too.”

“But what about this?” Helen used her hand in a broad sweeping gesture over her body.”

“What about it? You look pretty decent for a girl your age.” Terry laughed softly; the gentle type of laugh that is reassuring and not mean at all. Helen smiled and spoke out loud.

“I know. Lisa told me in our session last Tuesday that it’s just part of…” Helen paused and reexamined herself.

“Even if I never get out of the house other than face-time, it’s still… it’s…”

“Go ahead… say it. It’s okay.”

“Freeing.” Helen sighed, as if by being herself; even behind closed doors was wrong.

“You’re you, and every part of you always included Helen.” Terry’s words stilled Helen’s heart.

So many times when the city seems to be
Without a friendly face, a lonely place
It's nice to know that you'll be there if I need you
And you'll always smile, it's all worthwhile

“I feel guilty that we don’t talk every day.”

“But we do, even if it’s just a feeling we exchange. And yes, I know things are changing.”

“But I don’t…I don’t…”

“Helen Amelia Manfredonia? It’s okay to be you. I loved every bit of who you were, but I can’t wait to see who you’re becoming.”

“I…”

“Oh. Gosh, babe. Not face-to-face. It's only been 2772 days. That’s why god invented eternity.”

“I love you, Terry.”

Touch me and I end up singing
Troubles seem to up and disappear
You touch me with the love you're bringing
I can't really lose when you're near
When you're near, my love

“And I love you, too.” Terry’s lips seemed to brush Helen’s face and suddenly a comforting stillness filled the stairwell. Helen sighed and raised the mug of coffee. It had gotten as cold as the air outside, but she slowly downed it anyway, feeling the warmth of the rainbow of memories that would never fade.

When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you

I Won't Last a Day Without You
words and music by
Paul Williams and
Roger S. Nichols
as performed by the Carpenters