Easy As Falling Off The World.
by Angharad
part: 386

I drove for some distance, I wasn't sure where. My driving had been on auto-pilot, my mind was very much elsewhere. I was very disapointed in myself, attacking Tom like I did. He was partly in the wrong, but to embarrass myself like that, was crazy. At one point, I did wonder if I was crazy.

I pulled over and wept for about half an hour, apart from what I'd have to say to Tom, to apologise - just what was I going to say to Simon? He'd be disappointed with me too. I hated to think what Stella thought of me, thank goodness I didn't hurt the dumb mutt. That would have been unforgiveable and a criminal offence.

I wondered where I was. I'd have to go further to find out. I pulled myself together and started off again. I recognised the eastern approaches to Bristol. I had a house there except it was on loan to my unfortunate neighbours. I wondered if the reconstruction of their place had started. It had to be three months or more since I saw the house, probably longer.

I drove to my house, the phrase 'my house' felt quite strange. I hadn't used it since I was a kid - 'let's meet at my house' sort of thing. Now it was mine, yet at the same time with Margaret and her slimy husband, Gregg in occupancy, it wasn't mine.

Their car wasn't parked in the drive, maybe they were out shopping or something? I parked mine on the driveway. I knew my dad's Mondeo was in the garage, I'd have to sell it or do something with it. I didn't recall filling in the form to say it was off the road, so there could be more trouble waiting for me.

I peered through the window and then rang the bell. As I waited, I looked at my neighbour's house, it looked as if the building was pretty well finished, so maybe they had moved back without telling me. Or maybe they had and I hadn't noticed. I seemed to be a bit behind with paper work at the moment.

I peeped through the letterbox, and saw a whole mass of mail lying behind the door. What was going on? I found my key and opened the door, the mound of mail made it difficult to push open. I forced my way in and gathered it up, dumping it on the kitchen table. I wouldn't be short of reading matter tonight.

I then did a quick tour of the house, no one had been here since I locked it up when I left after the funeral. I wondered what had happened to Margaret and Gregg, but I had my own problems - thankfully, one of them wasn't finding somewhere to sleep.

I unloaded my car and locked the bikes away. Spike, I brought into the kitchen and gave her some hazel nuts. She ate them as if nothing had happened, yet it was a long time since she had travelled in a car. Maybe she had more confidence in me than I did. As soon as I could, I would organise a larger cage for her, but until then, she'd have to make do with her travelling one.

Having secured everything, I dashed off to the supermarket and stocked up with a few days food. The fridge and freezer compartments would need a wash, but they had been left switched on, albeit with nothing much in them.

Back home and a cuppa inside me, I felt a bit better. I'd have to apologise to Tom and the university, although I neither expected nor wanted to return there. I would like Tom's forgiveness, but that would be for him to decide and I wouldn't blame him if he witheld it.

I busied myself cleaning the fridge and the freezer, then the bread machine. I wasn't very hungry - too upset - but maybe the smell of bread cooking would change that. I had Flora spread and some fresh mousetrap.

Another cuppa and I vacuumed and dusted everywhere. For the first time ever, I found some comfort in housework. I switched on the hot water and aired some sheets for an hour before making up my bed. I still slept in my own bed, unless Simon was with me, then I used the spare room.

It was evening before I noticed the aroma of the bread cooking dominating the lavender smell of the furniture polish. My stomach grumbled, it had had nothing since breakfast. I made some more tea and a short while later was tucking into fresh wholemeal bread and cheese. Even Spike was nibbling on a crust of bread.

I was on my second cup of tea when my mobile phone peeped to indicate a text had been received. I got it from my bag and opened the text, it was from Simon.

C where R U? We R all frantic wiv worry.
Contact me soon, please.
Luv S.xxx

I texted back. I'm safe, just need sum space 2 think. Miss U. I'm ashamed 4 what I said and did 2 Tom. I hope Stel is OK. I resigned my job, do I need to do same wiv bank? Luv U lots C.xxx

I finished my tea and felt the tears welling up, soon I was breaking my heart. I was so ashamed of my stupidity and reckless behaviour. How could I have threatened an old man? But I did. I wouldn't be surprised if the bank kicked me out as well, then I'd have to find a job to pay my bills. The money my mum left would tide me over, and I'd get some more from Daddy's estate, but I'd still need to work. After what I did, I didn't know how my reputation would be damaged, so academic work might be difficult - I mean, how many vacancies do you see in universities for transsexuals with homicidal tendencies and hot tempers?

Some of the emotion I was feeling was self pity, I recognised that, but some as also a deep sense of shame, for what I had done to someone I loved and who had professed to love me. Also, it could hardly be categorised as ladylike behaviour or language, my only plus had been absence of the F word. That surprised me a little.

My mobile peeped again. Where R U? I'm worried. Let me Know. S xxx

I replied, when I could see through my tears, Call me, I will talk. C xxx

My mobile began to ring. I switched it on an held it to my ear, "Hello?"

"Cathy, where the hell are you?"

"I'm safe."

"Tom and Stella told me what happened."

"I'm ashamed of what I said and did."

"Tom was a bit shaken up by the ferocity of your attack."

"Please tell him I'm sorry. I will write and apologise as soon as I feel able."

"What got into you?"

"I saw all my work destroyed."

"But it wasn't, it was all on hold once you were approved as fit to return."

"It didn't look that way to me. Anyway, I've resigned, I couldn't show my face there again."

"Tom asked what happened to all your dormouse data, you trashed your office?"

"I still have it on my laptop."

"He said you'll need it for your doctorate."

"Is he teasing me?"

"Ask him yourself..."

Before I could refuse, I heard Tom's voice, "Cathy, Cathy, are you there?" Big blobs of tears rolled down my face, dripping onto my tee shirt. "Cathy, please speak to me."

"I'm sorry, Tom," I blubbed down the phone.

"Are you all right, young lady?"

"No, I'm so ashamed," I sobbed.

"You certainly deserve to be. I'll have to accept your resignation, you realise that, although I think I'd prefer it if you retyped it."

"Okay," I sniffed.

"I've spoken with Bristol, they were very impressed with the way you helped them set up their part of the survey, and they have a colony of dormice in the Forest of Dean, which they'd like evaluating. It's only a temporary position, but it's better than nothing. You also have a commitment to Natural England for your supervison of the mammal survey, so you're going to need to get online for that. They'll pay you separately for that, and you have a film to finish with Des."

"How can you be so kind to me after I threatened you?"

"With some difficulty. I told you I had some problems with my daughter, you are so like her Cathy, peppery and impulsive. I still need you to fill that void, so do come back to us, or to me, won't you?"

"I think we need to think a bit and then talk, somewhere neutral."

"If that's what you want, that's fine with me."

"Please forgive me, I was hurt and wanted to hurt in return."

"I know that. If you had hurt Kiki or damaged my house, I might feel differently, the university is obviously less benevolent, the Dean wants your head, I'm afraid, and I have to give it. However, as you resigned before I could sack you, he's going to be disappointed." He gave a little chuckle as he said this.

"How can you be so kind to me, I threatened you, I could have harmed you?"

"But you didn't, you were angry, with some reason. I'm your adoptive father, parents have to deal with unhappy children. Sometimes it's hard and hurts, but we have to get on with it."

"I love you, Daddy-Tom," I said and broke down completely.

"I love you too, Daughter-Cathy." I think there were tears in his voice too. How could I have hurt such a lovely old man? I was a dreadful woman. I rang off, sobbing and bawling for an hour. Finally, I crawled off to bed and cried myself to sleep.