Easy As Falling Off, Like.
by Angharad
part: 369

It seemed that apart from recuperation, my purpose in being in hospital was to set up a dating agency. This wasn't just because of Neal and Trish, but someone else who should be a little better known to you.

The day after I'd seen the sexual chemistry between our nubile nurse and tasty technician, Stella came by complete with full makeover kit. She had enough face paint with her to do the front of Tom's house.

She arrived and we kissed and hugged as well as one can while still attached to a couple of machines and a gas mask - okay, oxygen mask. I vaguely recognised the bag she was carrying from the first time I'd met her - you know, the first time she tried to kill me!

"What's in the bag Stella?" I enquired with such subtlety, that I sometimes surprise myself.

"Just a few bits and pieces, why?"

"I just wondered."

"Your hair could do with cutting again."

"That is the least of my worries, sister mine."

"I thought I taught you better than that." She shrugged her shoulders in despair.

"Well, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear," I smirked after saying this.

"In your case, how very true. You ugly sow."

"Oink oink!" I said, began to laugh and got the stupid pain back in my chest. I groaned.

"You all right? Do you want me to call, wotsername, Trish, isn't it?"

"No, I'll be okay, it's just where they went in to stop the bleeding, hurts when I laugh."

"Serves you right, where is the blonde bimbo?"

"Probably by now, helping to stop the bleeding from Neal's finger."

"Who's Neal?"

"One of the biology technicians."

"Why should he be bleeding?"

"Spike."

"What, that dormouse?" She said nodding at the photo on my locker.

"The same, the carnivorous variety."

"I thought they ate nuts and leaves an' things."

"I think if she ate Neal's nuts, Trish would be most disappointed."

Stella sniggered for a moment as she processed what I'd said. "Ate his nuts, you are barmy, do you know that?"

"It was you who brought it up, not me."

"Yeah, but not in that context. You said Spike was carnivorous. I was querying that statement."

"She bit him on the finger when he touched her babies."

"So would I," Stella replied indignantly, "how dare he?"

"We were trying to weigh them. I told him to remove her first, and then take the babies. He didn't listen and she had him."

"Serves him right. That wouldn't make her carnivorous."

"I know that, Stella, it's supposed to be a joke."

"Oh, is it?"

"Doh!"

"Anyway, while I'm here, I thought I'd pretty you up a bit."

"What for?"

"To make the place look tidier."

"I can't be bothered, honestly I can't."

"You just have to lie there and think of England."

"Why?" I thought I'd give her a taste of her own medicine.

"Because I said so."

"Oh," damn, she wasn't playing. "I don't feel like it."

"Tough," she proceeded to pick up her box and advance towards me.

"I knew that box looked familiar. I saw it that day you hit me off my bike."

"Oh yes, so you did. You complained then, too."

"So would you if some psycho had knocked you off your bike."

"Psycho! Who's a psycho?"

"If the cap fits..."

"You cheeky sod."

"Who me, I'm seriously ill." I lay back and pretended to be dead. Unfortunately, I did such a good job one of the machines went off and in came a young doctor with an even younger nurse.

"What happened?" he asked checking the readings of the machines.

"I just lay back, like this," I demonstrated and the machine went off again.

"Oh, okay, must be faulty. Kirsty, can you change it for another one?"

"I can't carry one of those," she said sulkily, "they weigh a ton."

"I didn't mean you personally, I meant get the porters or whoever to change it."

"Yes, I'll go and ring them." She left flouncing out of the unit.

"I think while I'm here, I'd better just check your heart and breathing." He pulled out his stethoscope and listened to my heart and took my pulse. "Yes, that's fine. Your lungs aren't quite clear yet, I think we'll change the antibiotic, that should do it."

"What are you giving her?" asked Stella.

"Clarithromycin, why? Is she allergic to anything?"

"Not as far as I know, are you, Cathy?"

"Only Tom's tea." I answered making a silly face.

"Don't I know you?" The young medic said to Stella.

"You might, I used to work here."

"In what capacity?"

"She's a nurse specialist in the pox." I said loudly and fell back laughing, which hurt.

"I wouldn't laugh too much if I were you, you could open up the wound."

"Gee thanks, Doc, now you tell me. Still it explains why she keeps telling me jokes. I knew she was trying to kill me."

"Listen, buster, if I was trying to kill you, you'd have been dead ages ago."

"Ladies, please. This is a hospital, not a boxing ring."

"Did you work with Mike O'Rourke?" Asked our young quack.

"I did, he's a lovely guy."

"He's my uncle."

"Wow, he never mentioned you."

The young doctor blushed, "My mum and he fell out big time."

"But surely, he acknowledges you now?"

"When we meet he does, but it's cursory and polite."

"That doesn't sound like Michael."

"Our family can be really queer."

"Who's queer?" asked the nurse coming back with an electronics technician. "This one," she said to him and tapped the machine.

"Mind your own business, Kirsty." He looked at his watch, "Right, I'm on coffee break, bleep me if you need me." He looked at Stella, "Fancy a cup?"

"Yeah, why not, seeing as Miss Twisted Knickers isn't going to let me emulsion her face."

"What?" he looked aghast at her.

"Cathy won't let me do a makeover on her."

"Why aren't you working?" he asked her.

"It's a long story..." they left the ward together.

"They seem happy enough together," said Kirsty as she watched them leave.

"Yeah, poor Stella, she could do with a bit of luck she's had a rotten last few months."

"Pretty girl," said the technician as he fiddled with the machine, "She shouldn't have a problem finding a bloke with her looks."

"All the good ones are gone, Dave." Kirsty gave the classic female response to that inane statement.

"I'm still available, Kirst," he said and I could have predicted her stock reply.

"Yeah, Dave, that's what I meant."

Still, it was marginally more entertaining than watching the telly.