Easy As Hauling A Pike.
by: >^^< the baddest cat in Dorset!
part: 28 dozen

"So how are things with Simon?"

"Fine," was all I said.

"So why don't I believe you?" He said very quietly.

"I don't know, maybe you don't understand English."

"Ha ha. I don't believe you."

"That's your problem, now are we going to order or discuss my relationship?"

"We could do both."

"I came her to eat, not dissect my personal life." I was in no mood to have him know about the troubles we were having.

"Your hostility tends to indicate that you're having some problems with Lord Cameron."

"I'll have a tuna jacket, what are you having?"

"So what is it? Is he drinking again or is it other women?"

"What part of 'NO' do you not understand? I do not want to talk about this, okay? Topic over!"

"Okay, received loud and clear. I'll have a chicken Korma jacket."

A waitress arrived and we ordered. As she took our order I became aware of the music on the tape machine playing in the background, it was Abba, Take a chance on me. I felt my eyes moisten up and a moment later a tear escaped, which Des noticed.

"Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bully you." He was most apologetic.

"You didn't, I'm just being silly." I blew my nose on a tissue and tried to change my mood. Another Abba song came on the tape. It almost felt as if the universe was tormenting or mocking me. As if Simon was there, daring me to spill the beans to his rival.

"Hey come on, there must be something happening if you're crying."

"It's my hormones, that's all." I sniffed and blushed.

"I thought you took the same amount all the time."

"What does it matter what I take?"

"It doesn't, but I always thought that PMS or whatever they call it these days was caused by differing levels of hormones."

"If I told you that I get almost cycles of moods, would you believe me?"

"Dunno, I'd need evidence."

"Can't you take my word for it?"

"On one level yes, on another no because it could be an illusion you are creating to fool yourself."

"I'm not delusory!" I snapped.

"Okay, I apologise, maybe you do get hormonal cycles with horse pee."

"Do you mind I'm about to eat?"

"Okay, maybe we could talk about the cycling world championships?"

"Fine, talk."

"Is Chris Hoy going to get a medal?"

"Yes, but whether he will for the sprint is another matter. Pendleton should get a couple if not three and Wiggins in front of a home crowd, could do anything."

"So you don't think Hoy could beat the Flying Dutchman?"

"Theo Boss? I don't know. On his day, Chris Hoy is as good as anyone. It would be a suitable reward for him, though and very popular."

"And Pendleton?"

"Always a good bet and she's in form."

"So I hear. She reminds me of you."

I nearly choked on my tuna! "What?"

"Yeah, a bright and attractive young woman who likes to win."

"She's dark and I'm fair, to start with!"

"Maybe you're more ruthless than she is."

"What! How can I be ruthless?"

"Quite easily. You cut my heart to shreds with ease."

"What are you on about?"

"By choosing his lordship over poor old plebeian me. I was mortified."

"What a load of dormouse poo! I fell in love with Simon before I ever met you."

"I believe you fell in love with the idea of being with Simon until you met me, pure unadulterated passion in person."

"Conceited, Rambunctious, Adulterous Person," I offered as mnemonic.

"Ouch, pull those claws in will you."

"I'll leave them out just in case any other passing alley cat fancies their chances."

"You cut me to the quick."

"Yeah, and that's without trying, so be warned."

"What have I done to deserve such treatment?"

"You know perfectly well, now how about a change of subject? Do you think it will rain tonight?"

"If it does, we could always share an umbrella."

"You just don't give up do you?"

"What did I say now? I'm only talking about the bloody weather like you told me to."

I shook my head, how was I going to cope with him for the duration of the filming of this documentary?