Easy As Losing It All completely.
by: Angharad & >^^<
part:376

The rest of the morning seemed to go by in a dream. I stayed in bed, refusing food and drink and anything else.

"You've got to eat and drink something, Cathy."

"Why?" I challenged Stella.

"Because you need to keep your strength up, that's why?"

"What for?"

"I'll come back in a bit."

Another time I heard Tom's voice say, "No, she's sleeping, leave her in peace for now."

I had awful dreams, like I was in the car with Simon. Why had the universe done this to me? It was so cruel, I didn't even have a body I could mourn over - just a mess of charred flesh, fat and bones. I could almost smell it - I jumped out of bed and got to the loo barely in time, as I vomited down the bowl. I felt awful. I washed out my mouth with the tooth glass. It didn't help very much.

Stella came rushing in, "Are you okay?"

"I've just been sick."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"They think it was Simon, they found his watch at the scene and the remains of his wallet."

"How do you know?"

"They phoned earlier, I'm sorry." I collapsed sobbing in her arms and she helped me back to bed. My legs would hardly carry me. "I'll make you a nice cuppa, you just rest a while."

I lay in the bed, wrapped in a duvet and shivered, this gnawing coldness which started in my stomach was expanding to fill my whole being. It was like my soul was being sucked out of me by some mysterious vacuum cleaner. My life force was succumbing to it and I didn't care. Why had I bothered to recover from my injuries - for this? Had I known what was going to happen, I'd have let go then.

It seemed the universe wanted one or all of us dead. It tried Stella and we managed to save her, then me, and they saved me and now Simon. This time it gave us no chance to intervene, which was so unfair. I'd have fought the devil himself to save my Simon, or offered to go in his place. Maybe if I was to die, they'd let Simon go."

I was so confused, I didn't really know which way was up. Logic would have told me it was always the opposite from the way I was heading, because I was definitely heading down. I should have died, not him, they should have let me die when I first tried it two years ago, then none of this would have happened.

God was punishing me for being abhorrent in his sight, getting at me by hurting those I loved. Destroying them because I loved them. Well, now I'd just lie there and die, if not from a broken heart, then I'd never eat again or drink anything, not ever again. Once I was dead I was going to show that bastard, God, what for!

I didn't really believe in him anyway - stupid folk tales, when we're dead, we're dead, end of story. So why did I find myself praying, praying for the life of my Simon. "Let him live and take me instead." I was chanting it like a mantra. All I wanted was the chance to say goodbye first, then He could do what He wanted with me.

It was dark and Stella and Tom had been in to beg me to eat or drink, I refused. They sat with me and reasoned with me, but I ignored them, doing my mantra in my head.

It was light again, was that another day or more? What did I care? I was simply waiting to die. Almost looking forward to it - how crazy was that? But if it brought Simon back, it would be worth it.

My stomach jerked with cramp and wind pains - I wasn't going to eat or drink. I'd made my covenant and was prepared for it, the pain made me connect with reality for a short while, but I was soon drifting again.

"Cathy, Cathy wake up," someone was shaking my shoulder.

"Go away," I said, it was distracting me from my mantra.

"It's okay, he's alive. He's alive, they've found him."

"Go away," I repeated my repulsion.

"Cathy, Simon is alive and well. They have found him."

"What? Are you sure?" My heart leapt, my covenant had worked. He had been spared, now the Angel of Death would come for me. I'd go willingly if that's what it took.

"He got mugged in a car park belonging to the bank, they stole everything and left him tied up in a cupboard. A maintenance man found him an hour ago. He didn't die, he's okay. Isn't that wonderful?"

"Yes, it's wonderful and it worked."

"What worked?"

"I told God to save him and take me. It's worked."

"Don't be silly, he never did die, so how can you switch places with him?"

"That's how these things work, but I know. I'm allowed to see him before I die, that was a concession I insisted on."

"Cathy, listen to me: No one is going to die, you are both going to live happily ever after together."

"No, you don't understand, I have to die for him to live."

"That isn't so, Cathy. It's the shock, you're suffering from shock. You are both going to live."

"I don't think so," I said, I coughed and could taste blood. It was beginning. I could feel it stopping me speaking.

"Oh my God, the lung is haemorrhaging. Tom, Tom get an ambulance, quickly." I heard this in the background and I drifted. Breathing became more difficult, eased a little by the oxygen and the ambulance.

"I must see Simon," I gasped, "It's in my covenant, I must see Simon." Then it all went dreamy.