---

---

Previously…

“Kim….” Pete said quietly.

“Mommy would have been proud,” Paul said, recalling that the girl had chosen their mother’s name for her own.

“You can’t possibly know how hard this is,” Pete said, reverting to form in an anxious moment. Paul went to speak, but Annie waved her hand no.

“I do know how hard this is, Pete,” she said as she took a sip of coffee.

“Really.”

---

Kate and Donna’s place…

“We should go,” Kate said as Donna turned over and hugged her.

“You…” Donna began to speak, but looked into Kate’s eyes. She shook her head even as tears began to spill.

“I know I’ve been so far away for so long. I never meant to keep you out.” She turned away and Kate climbed over her; teetering on the edge of the bed facing Donna.

“I know. I know, honey…. But I never went away. I’ve been right here waiting. I understand. Let that go, okay?” Donna nodded weakly and Kate pulled closer and kissed her cheek.

“But we have to go…not just you. When I fell in love with you, it was for everything you are and ever were and maybe what you hope to be. Maria is just as much a part of me as my own sister because she’s right there,” Kate said, patting her chest.

“You reside in my heart, and so does she. There’s plenty of room, you know?” She smiled and kissed Donna again; much more intimately and for a bit more time….

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

---

“Do you think she knows I’m here?” Donna said as she looked at the grave. Kate rubbed her arm and squeezed.

“I’m sure she does. And I know she understands. She loved you, honey. You know that, right?”

“Yes….I just wanted her to be…..”

“Proud? Of course she is. You are everything she believed you would be. And you’re helping other kids. Lots of kids….some just like her. And it’s what she would have …. “

“I finally realize she…..it hurt too much. Looking at the Brunetti girl? She reminds me so much of Maria….I just…”

“WE won’t fail her, Babe….” Kate pulled closer into a side-hug as they looked down at Maria’s plaque.

---

Saturday morning….

The boy was pushing lazily down the street; as ambling as one can get on as skateboard. He turned the corner moved slowly. In a few moments he was in front of a familiar house again. The day was cool enough to wear a sweatshirt, but the girl sitting on the chair on the front step wore only a dark green top. She looked up to see him standing at the edge of their driveway and she smiled.

“Hi!” She waved as she hopped off the chair and stepped quickly to greet him. He smiled weakly and lowered his gaze.

“Are you okay?” She went to put her hand on his shoulder but pulled back. He nodded his head but his smile had retreated behind a pained look.

“I’m fine,” he said. She grinned and stooped down just a bit to make eye contact.

“My therapist tells me every time I use that word that I’m probably not fine at all. He says I’m just saying that so I don’t have to talk.”

“I’m fine!” He snapped. She stood up, looking hurt, but smiled and nodded.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” She shook her head at herself and stepped back.

“Oh…fuck….” Jason sighed. He lifted his head and nodded.

“Something at home…..” He looked over her shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I should just….”

“No…it’s okay. It’s just….I…. Me and my brother live with my Dad. My Mom and my…my….” His voice trailed off.

“It hurts…. My dad was deployed for so long. Even when my mom was sick. Even when my sis was really sick.” She began to tear up.

“Oh….” Jason turned away.

“He’s home now. We were so alone for so long. I’m still hurt. Mom and Dad are working on everything but it hasn’t been easy, and we’re together….so….for you?”

“It’s like …. I don’t know…. It hurts.” He frowned and Aubrey stepped close once again. She wanted to hold him. More than that, she wanted him to hold her.

“Do you see your Mom much?”

“Every couple of weeks Jimmy and I go over to see her and Petey.”

“You have another brother? Oh….”

“Yeah…another brother,” he said, but couldn’t hide his emotion when he mentioned the word brother.

“He didn’t …. I …”

“It’s complicated,” he said; this time making no effort to hid his sarcasm.

“You sound angry.”

“And you sound just like my shrink… just forget it.”

“I’m sorry, Jason, but I can’t. You’re upset. I just wanted to help.” She started to cry. He reached out and grabbed her hand. Something in her eyes spoke to him, and things changed in a moment. Whatever else was going on, he felt like he could at least trust her.

“No…it’s okay. It’s just more than I can talk about right now. But thanks.” He squeezed her hand and smiled.

“Maybe next time…. “ his voice trailed off as he backed away.

“Okay…next time. See you around,” she said as he hopped back on his board and skated away back up the block. She followed his progress until he disappeared around the corner. She sighed and walked back and into her house.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

---

A short while later…

“Anybody home?” Kim heard Jason calling from the doorway.

“Mom’s in Richmond for a conference. She’ll be back about seven.” She called from the kitchen. Jason walked in and stopped as a look of near shock crossed his face. Kim frowned and pointed to her hair.

“Why so upset? It’s what you guys wanted.” She bit her lip and her face grew red. Jason held his hand out in protest, but immediately put them down as he saw Kim had begun to cry.

“N…no….that’s not what I wanted.” He protested. She shook her head and her expression became angry.

“Really? You don’t want me, so …. I figured I’d give you your brother back, okay. Don’t tell me you’re not happy with this!” Jason had never seen his brother this angry. But he had never seen this person before, either. And it was odd, since Kim was dressed just like he would expect Petey to dress, but it was the first time Petey didn’t look like a brother…at all.

“No..I’m not happy. I thought we’d all be happy, but we’re not. Dad’s not happy. Joey’s sad half the time. We all miss Mom….”

“Thanks a lot, Jay….Just go, okay?”

“No….I wasn’t finished. Just give me a fucking second, okay? I wasn’t finished.”

“Don’t let me stop you.”

“I mean I …I miss you….”

“Well, you got me, Jay….I hope you’re satisfied.”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it!”

“Really, Jason? And how’s that? You never talk to me. When you come over you say something to Mom and then you and Joey go out and hang out with your friends. I don’t know what you mean.”

“You’re right…. I’m sorry. I just meant….I miss you…really.” He stepped into the kitchen and walked over to her.

“No take backs, right, Jay? Well you got your brother back…at least when you come around. Rita wants me to try to understand you. Maybe I can…I ….” She had misunderstood a bit of what Rita had encouraged. Understanding her brother was one thing, but old habits die hard, and she reverted to wanting to please him as well. He wasn’t pleased at all, but his displeasure wasn’t with her.

“I miss my best friend. I miss you. And I’m sorry. I don’t fucking understand all this shit….but I want to. I’m sorry. Looking at you just now? I can’t figure it out. I….I miss my brother, but I miss you more….is that fucking crazy or what?” He looked down at his feet.

“You miss me?”

“Yeah….”

“Not Petey….me?” It was crazy. Names and such getting mixed up and jumbled around and fixed and set anew, since the factory defaults were no longer helpful. He felt her hand touch his face. A first. She’d seen him cry plenty of times, but always for little stuff. And she’d never felt anyone’s tears besides her own and her mother’s. To see and feel him cry for her. For the first time, she knew he cared…for her.

“No….not Petey. I….it feels like something is gone inside me that I’ll never get back, but I got you instead….it feels right….” He stammered between his own crying and hers. SHe pulled him close and kissed her brother’s cheek.

“I love you Jason….”

“Me too, Petey….” He paused and looked into his sister’s eyes for the first time and said at last,

“I….I love you….Kim”

---

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

That afternoon….

Two figures walked down the street close enough to holding hands but far enough to indicate a tentativeness that refused to go away just yet. One taller only by a bit, but as protective and safe. The one only shorter by a bit. He wore his typical Norfolk Tides hat; backwards and slightly askance. Blue jeans; distressed from use and not from a factory. His sweatshirt was dark green with a caption that read, ‘Live, Love, Laugh & Skateboard.’

His sib wore a turquoise hoodie open over a maroon tee shirt and blue jeans and a maroon DC beanie. Both looked nervous and determined at the same time. They turned the block and walked down the street. In a few moments they were standing in front of Aubrey’s house. A few seconds after that, the girl had walked out to greet Jason and his companion.

“Hi,” she said tentatively. She looked at the person standing next to Jason and back at him; an awkward frown crossed her face as she asked,

“Is this… your girlfriend?”

“No….this is my sister….Kim.”

---

Meanwhile, at Paul’s home…

“Hey, Annie. Paul around?”

“Nope….he had to fly to Denver for the weekend. Just you and me. I hope you don’t mind?”” Annie handed Pete a beer and sat down on the arm of the couch.

“I just finished dinner. Paul’s thing was last minute, and we figured you wouldn’t mind a free meal,’ she laughed, pointing to the table.

“I’ve got Chicken Parm baking in the oven and pasta in the pot on the stove. I didn’t know if the boys would be coming, but I made enough for a take-out. Looks like you’ll be enjoying my cooking for the next couple of days.” She took a swig her Pumpkin ale and got up.

“Oh…okay.” Pete said nervously. Annie smiled and patted him on the arm.

“Relax. I promise I won’t act like a doctor; my shrink outfit is in the cleaners anyway. And being a Brunetti, I bet you love Chicken Parm as much as your brother.” She walked over to the table and sat down; pointing to the chair across from her. He walked slow over and took a seat.

“Besides, Paul wanted you and me to get to know each other. Being his best man, we wanted you to know exactly what you’re standing up for.” She half smiled and took another swig of her ale as the oven beeped; signaling that their food was ready and their conversation was just about ready to get interesting.

---

Back at Aubrey’s place…

“You cut off all your hair….I’m so sorry,’ Aubrey said. Kim lowered her gaze.

“It’s my fault,” Jason said, turning away. He could hardly face a girl who was barely out of the I just met you phase, much less his sister.

“No…. I don’t think it’s anybody’s fault….and everybody.” Aubrey got up and walked over to the couch. Sitting down, she pulled Kim into a friendly embrace and spoke softly; words that would either betray them both or bring healing to all of them.

“I know what it’s like, Kim. And it will only last as long as you let it.” She got up and walked down the hall. In a few minutes she returned, holding a dull looking ziplock bag. Reaching inside, she pulled out a dark object and handed it to Kim. She turned to Jason and shook her head. It was important that he knew. For all of them. Kim reached into the bag and her eyes widened in surprise; nervous at first and changing to near-delight.

“Is this for me?” She gasped. Jason stared anxiously before shaking his head.

“My sister has one just a little different than this, but she’s not home and I don’t know where she keeps it.”

“Your sister wears a wig?” Jason asked; a quick demand rather than a soft request.

“She lost all her hair from the chemo….like I told you, she’s okay now.” Aubrey looked at the door; almost expecting Jenna to walk in from class, but she nodded.

“Jenna works right after class. She’s going to Norfolk State.” She smiled at Kim and turned to smile at Jason, but he had looked away. Without looking over, he asked.

“What did you need a wig for? Were you sick, too?” His words were almost accusatory. Aubrey swallowed hard and turned her attention to Kim. No matter what Jason expected or even needed from her at that point was lost in the midst of Kim’s needs.

“I…when I was younger…. Jenna gave it to me because I didn’t have any hair like all the other girls in my class.” She bit her lip nervously as Kim tilted her head in question.

“Were you sick?” Kim asked. Her question was gentle and sympathetic as she noticed the sad look on Aubrey’s face.

“Some people thought I was sick. They didn’t understand me.” She paused and looked at Jason, who had returned his attention to her and Kim. She shook her head and continued even as Jason’s face turned from anxious to angry.

“A few years ago I was just like you…. I felt like something was wrong in me…like I didn’t fit in. But my mom figured it out with me…” She glanced at Jason and would have winced but for the hand that reached out to grasp hers. Kim smiled even as tears began to spill. The first person she ever met who knew exactly what she was because she was the same…the same hurts and fears and confusion and hopes and dreams faced her like a mirror image; even down to the tears cascading off both their faces.

“My name is Aubrey Lynn Davidson, but I was born Seth…. Seth Aubrey Davidson. I’m sorry,” Aubrey sighed. Kim spoke, misunderstanding her meaning.

“Oh…you don’t have to be sorry. This is the most wonderful day of my life. You can’t know how much this means to me…. Oh…gosh….maybe you do….. but you don’t have to be sorry.” She pulled Aubrey into an awkward hug. Jason stood up and stared at the two before walking toward the front door.’

“We have to get home. Our Mom is on her way back from Richmond.” Jason practically snapped. Kim turned to him and shook her head no.

“Do we have to? I just met her.” Kim protested. At the word ‘her’ Jason winced and put his hand on the door knob.

“Come on….I have to walk you back home.” He stood stock still and glared at Kim.

“It’s okay, Kim…. We can talk another time. And now you know where I live,” Aubrey said as she helped Kim to her feet. She put her hand on the girl’s shoulder.

“It will be alright. If your Mom has any questions, she can call my Mom and me, okay?” She grabbed a pen off the table by the door and pulled out a card from her pocket. She quickly wrote down a number and handed it to Kim.

“This is my number and Rita’s number….my therapist….her number is on the front if your doctor wants to talk to her. I don’t want to get in the way of anything, okay?” She looked at Jason as she spoke.

“I hope your family gets to know you, okay? You’re such a sweet girl, and it’s important for everyone to realize that.” She kissed Kim on the cheek and urged her toward Jason’s outstretched hand.

“I guess I won’t be seeing you around much….” She sighed as they walked out. Kim’s eyes spoke of welcome, but Jason’s blank stare told her all too much. The door hadn’t even clicked shut and she had already sat down on the big chair next to the door. She shook her head before bursting into tears. And all the while the voices…the ghosts of the past screamed at her.

“Fake!”

---

At Cara and Kim’s, later that afternoon… .

“Tell mom I came over, okay?” Jason seemed very cold and distant, but Kim would have nothing of it.

“You could stay for dinner, but you’re too full of yourself to hang around. I’m sorry you feel so badly about us.”

“What about us? I thought we were cool?”

“No! Not you and me. Me and Aubrey….and anybody else like us, Jay. I thought you’d changed, but the look on your face when she told me about herself. That’s the same look Daddy has whenever he sees me. Even Joey sometimes. And Benny. And pretty much everyone else. You hurt her, Jay. And that hurt me too.” Jason shook his head no. Wasn’t he better? Didn’t he treat Kim okay?

“I’m sorry, Jay. Remember what Nonny Gina said about when she was little? How some of the boys would tease Uncle Vinnie about being a dago? How even though they never said a word to her that it hurt her anyway? Your look hurt me just as much, Jay, because when you showed you don’t really like her it felt like you really don’t like me, either And the way you snapped at her just hurt her so bad. Maybe you should just go. Just go.”

“I’m sorry…. Kim? Come on….” His pleas went unheard as the girl ran down the hall and into her bedroom. He followed a few moments later. Knocking on the door, he spoke.

“Come on, Kim….” He said, but his words were met with the sound of crying. He tried the doorknob, but it was locked. He stared at the door, as if he could look past to the room the two had shared only months before, but this room was different. No longer a boy’s room, but a girl’s room. His sister’s room. He sighed and walked down the hall and out; locking the front door behind him.

In a few minutes he found himself at another front door in a neighborhood not too far away. Ringing the doorbell, he backed off the low front step and waited. And waited. He pressed the doorbell and stepped back once again. A few moments later Aubrey opened the door. Her face was red and it was all too obvious she had been crying.

“What, Jason?” He was taken aback at her demeanor. While she looked very distraught, there wasn’t a hint of anger in her expression or her voice. Her frown flattened and she pulled the door further open.

“You can come in if you want,” she said as she turned back and walked into the kitchen. In a few moments she was sitting down on a large wooden rocker across from the sofa. She pointed to the rocker’s twin by the fireplace and smiled, which set him feeling confused and even a bit scared. She pointed to the coffee table; two bottles of Poland Spring sat on coasters. He grabbed both bottles and handed her one; almost afraid as he avoided eye contact. He sat down without a word. A few seconds later she spoke.

“I knew you’d come back.” She smiled weakly; her tears beginning to fall once again in anxious hope.

“Why….because you’re right?”

“No…because I knew….the first time I met you, there was something…your eyes give you away. My mom told me they’re the windows to the soul. I knew you were more upset with you than with your sister…yes… “

“I don’t understand,’ he said flatly. He wanted to understand. Why he couldn’t say, but what she had to share was important even though he barely knew her.

“It doesn’t matter how you think of me…what you think of me….” She stared at the door through which he had departed less than an hour before.

“But you called her Kim…not Petey, like before. You called her by her name. I knew you’d be okay when I heard that, no matter what I saw.”

“But…I…..” He shook his head; almost apologetically for himself as much as his words.

“You don’t have to like me, Jason. But you being here? I know you don’t hate me, and that’s a start. I prayed about it. I said God, as long as he doesn’t hate me it’ll be okay, and it is.”

“No it’s not. I’m so sorry. I…I hurt you. I don’t even know you and I hurt you. I hurt everyone. I hurt my Dad because I can’t be like him. I hurt Joey because he looks up to me and I’m such a fuck up. I hurt my Mom. And I hurt Kim….okay?“ He blinked back tears; once again becoming too vulnerable in front of a girl he barely knew. And way too vulnerable to keep from showing that he really liked her.

“No, Jason. It’s not okay. You coming over here after everything that you’ve done? You’re here and that means you’re not a fuck up. You’re a good guy.” The words were barely out of her mouth when she realized she had maybe said more than she wanted. He was really a good guy, but she would never want to be the person to tell him that. She blushed and turned away.

“I’m not a good guy…I’m ….I don’t know what I am anymore, but I know I’m not a good guy,” he sighed. She wanted to argue with him, but any more than a nod would expose her to more scrutiny. Bad enough from a boy who had maybe disliked her, but too much from a boy who seemed to be showing that he did more than just not hate her.

“I’ve got to go….” He said sheepishly as he stood up. She stared at his feet, not wanting to look him in the eye. And he stared at hers for the exact same reason.

“I’ll see you,” he said; something that less than an hour before might have meant less to her, but now, after his return, it meant the world to her. But she kept it simple and looked up only a bit.

“Okay. See you,” she said as he walked out. And a moment later she burst into tears for all the right reasons.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

To be concluded…

---

Blackbird
Words and music by
Paul McCartney
As performed by Sarah McLachlan
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHEOGmiPXyc