and then you still have to decide what to do. ”• C.S.Lewis
“It hurts that the church is turning its back on you. “
“I didn’t do anything wrong. It hurts that they see this,” she pointed to her body, “is wrong in their eyes.”
“What hurts the most, Susan?” Marie knew the answer, but she wanted to hear the girl say the words, as painful as they might be.
“Dad…..When I told him, he just sighed and shook his head. ‘I told you this would happen, Mark.’ Even now he refuses to use my name. He won’t even let Carlo or Danny say my name. Carlo says it anyway and Danny calls me Sis; it pisses him off so much that…. He’s angry with me all the time. My grades are good in school. I do everything he asks...I just don't understand.” She frowned as tears streamed down her face...
Previously…
“Mark, you’re my son. Stop it!” Demands, misconceptions, fear; even a bit of hatred mixed with the true, deep-down love the man had for his oldest; diluting that love to the point of tepid tolerance.
“Daddy! Please?” Sobs mixed with shouts. A child feeling small and helpless and abandoned.
“Mark….come on, open the door!” The man with the closed mind and heart dismissed the sad pleas.
“Daddy…. Go away! I hate you!” Words that were more a fruit of hopelessness and futility than conviction. Jerry went to knock harder on the door but thought better of it. And inside the room, a lonely figure lay in the dark on the bed, crying softly while repeating over and over,
“My name is Susan.”
There's a place out there for us
More than just a prayer or anything you've ever dreamed of.
So when you feel like giving up
Cause you don't fit in down here
Fear is crashing in close your eyes and take my hand.
One year later…at the office of Marie Chang…
Marie sat in the armchair across from the sofa; a mug of herbal tea grew cold on the table in front of her, ignored as she sat in rapt attention at the young lady before her. The girl wore jeans and a wide-necked plum tee-shirt over a white camisole. She played nervously with the curls that covered her right ear.
“What did they say then?” She smiled at the girl and picked up her tea and took a sip.
“Well. The kids for the most part were fine; especially the younger teens. A couple of the girls patted me on the back; at least until Rob glared at them. One boy shook his head at me…came right up and shook his head. He was one of the kids I used to….well, we were friends.” She stared out the window.
“Rob? The Youth Pastor?” Susan nodded.
“That must have hurt,” Marie said softly.
“Joey and I practically grew up together. And he ignores me in school even though we were lab partners last year. It’s like the first sixteen years of my life count for nothing.” She bit her lip.
“And Tim didn’t even look at me. The rest of the few minutes I was there, he just stood off to the side while Rob told me how much God loved me while shoving me out the door.”
“So you’re not welcome there?” Marie knew, of course, that the girl was more than merely not welcome; it was a systematic if unconscious move on the part of her church to distance themselves from her.
“He said that as long as I dressed like a girl….Like a girl? I am a girl. Why doesn’t anyone understand that?” She pounded her fist once on the armrest and began to cry.
“What did the kids say to you after he told you to leave?” Marie leaned closer and half-smiled. She handed the girl a box of tissues. The girl wiped her face and spoke softly.
“Teresa walked up to me and hugged me. Rob told her to stop and she turned and shook her head. Her brother grabbed her by the arm but she shook him off. And Lisa and Rick came up and patted me on the back. Rob told them to let me go, and they backed away. I know it’s hard for both of them, seeing how Pastor Pat is their uncle. Theresa hugged me again and she called me later.”
“It hurts that the church is turning its back on you. “
“I didn’t do anything wrong. It hurts that they see this,” she pointed to her body, “is wrong in their eyes.”
“What hurts the most, Susan?” Marie knew the answer, but she wanted to hear the girl say the words, as painful as they might be.
“I can’t…. They….”
“I know you can’t return, but that’s not what hurts the most.”
“Dad…..When I told him, he just sighed and shook his head. ‘I told you this would happen, Mark.’ Even now he refuses to use my name. He won’t even let Carlo or Danny say my name. Carlo says it anyway and Danny calls me Sis; it pisses him off so much that…. He’s angry with me all the time. My grades are good in school. I do everything he asks...I just don't understand.” She frowned as tears streamed down her face.
“But it’s not enough. Nothing you do pleases him.”
“I didn’t ask for this. He thinks….like Pastor Pat told him; I’m going through a phase because of Mom’s death. I mean what the…” She stopped in mid-sentence; her face, already hot and red from the crying, grew darker.
“No judgment, Susan, right?”
“What the fuck! I felt like this…. I knew when I was seven. Why does he ignore that? If Mom hadn’t died…”
“She would have helped him understand?”
“I think….maybe?”
“Did your father get hard to speak to when your Mom died?”
“Yes….” She paused and took a deep breath.
“No….he was like this when we first started talking about me…this me…when Mom wasn’t even sick. I guess.” Susan closed her eyes and sighed.
“I think he really started getting like this when Mom got sick. Like nothing was going to work, so he decided to let God fix things.”
“He didn’t fix your Mom, did he?”
“No…. I still don’t understand why.” The small tinge of anger was overshadowed by the girl’s faith, and she continued.
“But Daddy….it feels like everything is wrong and he’s got to fix it…to make it right…to make it better.”
“Like you, Susan?”
“Ye…yes… I’m wrong….I’m just wrong.” She didn’t mean to snap at Marie, but her words came out brusque and almost dismissive, as if Marie should have known.
“It’s not just that he thinks you’re making bad decisions, is it?”
“No….” She put her head down for a moment, and when she lifted it, her face was a mask of confusion and doubt and guilt.”
“He thinks…. I am bad. I…I am wrong.”
“Are you bad, Susan? Have you done or said anything wrong?” Marie shook her head and the girl put her head down and began to sob.
“No, Marie….why does he hate me? Why can’t my Dad love me for who I am?”
“I wish I knew, Susan.” Marie felt almost defeated until the girl half-frowned and shuddered.
“It hurts so much. More than when Mom died. Maybe he never got over that?” So much wisdom in the midst of so much pain.
“I think you’re right, Susan. I hope he comes to understand that. I really do. But for you? Are you unloveable? Are you wrong?” She shook her head once again; not meaning to prompt the girl, but her gesture helped anyway.
“I….I’m okay.” It wasn’t a shout of triumph, but it was a victory nonetheless.
When the water meets the sky
Where your heart is free and hope comes back to life
When these broken hands are hold again
We'll find what we've been waiting for
We were made for so much more
At the church offices a few days later…
“I’m sorry, Jerry, but we feel it’s best for everyone.” Pat McKenna half-frowned in sympathy. He actually meant well, even if the decision wasn’t really the right one for anyone.
“But I can’t disown my child.” Jerry put his arms out a bit in plea.
“You’re not disowning your son; you’re disciplining him. A loving father disciplines his son, right? You’re just putting him in a place where he can make better choices…if he stays under your roof, you’ll be endorsing his behavior.”
“Where will he go? He’s only seventeen? What will my other boys say? What will I tell them?”
“That’s a job only you can handle, Jer. You’ve got to be firm. The boy will come around and do what’s right.”
“I’m not even sure what’s right anymore. I’ve been reading about the whole gender thing.”
“Yes, I know. I’m sure that there are actually some people who are anomalytic….”
“But his therapist says…”
“Really, Jerry? What do you expect her to say? That’s her world view. But it’s a matter of what’s true…Male and Female he created them, Jer. Your son is a young man, and the sooner he comes to that conclusion the better. You’d only make it harder to see that by allowing him to stay in the comfort of the home.”
“But Pat….he’s my son.”
“Exactly, Jer. But he won’t accept that unless you’re a father to him instead of a friend. It’s for the best. And of course your responsibility as a care pastor lies in the midst of this. For everyone’s sake, you have to ask him to leave.”
We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe.
It's written in the stars that shine above
A world where you and I belong
Where faith and love will keep us strong
Exactly who we are is just enough
There's a place for us
There's a place for us
So hold on, hold on
There's a place for us
Later that day, at the Albanese home…
“So that’s that? I thought you love her, Dad.” Carlo sat at the kitchen table across from Danny. Both boys looked more than frustrated.
“Not her, Carlo….him. Why can’t you boys see that your brother is in sin?”
“What? She’s your daughter, Dad! Look at the way she acts. Listen to her voice. Does Susan sound like a boy?”
“Pastor Pat says that she’s probably …”
“Probably what, Dad? Possessed?” Danny interjected. He shook his head and stood up and walked over to Jerry, standing face to face.
“Susan is my sister, Dad. You can’t just send her away. It’s fucking wrong.”
“Don’t you use that language in this house, Danny!”
“Or what? Will you kick me out, too? What’s worse, Dad? The word ‘fuck’ or disowning your own fucking child?” Danny stared at his father for a moment before walking into the living room. He sat down on the sofa and picked up the cable remote. A second later he had jumped back off the sofa and was back in the kitchen.
“Where the hell will she go? She’s only seventeen!”
“She can go live with your Aunt Lina for all I care.”
“What?” Carlo asked.
“Your Aunt Lina…what I just said!” Jerry shook his head, completely missing Carlo’s tone.
“No, Dad. Not where or with whom. I don’t understand. For all you care? Isn’t that what this is supposed to be about? That you care about her enough to send her away? It sounds like you don’t fucking care at all.”
“Now don’t you start!”
“Or what, Dad? Are you going to send us both away? Jesus H. Christ, Dad. For a care pastor, you don’t make me feel cared for at all.” Carlo got up and walked up to Jerry.
“I love you, but this is wrong, Dad, and you know it. I’m going for a walk.” He hugged Jerry quickly before walking out the back door and off.
“I….I don’t know what to do. You understand, don’t you, Danny?” He held his arms open in question.
“Oh, I understand, Dad. And you know exactly what to do. Do you care enough to do it? I don’t think so. Sorry, Dad, but I’m too fucking pissed off to hug you, and I’m not so sure I want to be around you right now.” Danny shook his head and Jerry walked closer, trying to hug him.
“No, Dad. Tough love, right?” Danny pushed him back and stormed out the back door. Jerry shook his head and began to cry.
At the church offices the following week…
“Don’t worry, Jer. It’s all for the best.” Pat McKenna said, looking up from his desk.
“I know this hurts now, but in the long run it will prove that it’s the right decision. The boy is over at your sister-in-law’s house, and soon will come to realize just what he’s missing by his rebellion and foolish pride. And we won’t say anything publicly; the board and the pastoral staff already know and stand behind you one hundred per cent, okay?”
“And everything is okay with us?” Jerry sounded like a child in the principal’s office.
“Of course. Just fine, Jerry, just fine.”
As Marie had surmised, everything was going to turn out just fine, but sadly it would be with a great deal of pain.
We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe.
It's written in the stars that shine above
A world where you and I belong
Where faith and love will keep us strong
Exactly who we are is just enough
There's a place for us
There's a place for us
So hold on, hold on
There's a place for us
To be continued…
There’s A Place for Us
Words and Music by
David Hodges, Hillary Lindsey
and Carrie Underwood
As performed by
Bianca Gille
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXSL1KugGoc
Comments
That seems to be the only answer a parent like Jerry can come
up with; i.e. send the child where "he?" can get help and be on the path of being "cured". Jerry is not only homophobic and bigoted, but he is also a hypocrite. He claims to be a Christian and is a pastor, yet, he turns his back on his first born. While there are parents who accept and encourage their transsexual children, there are parents like Jerry. And Pastor Pat has not idea of how to be a Christian, relying on the secular Jewish mandates of the Old Testament. I'm in Susan's corner, as she has the God given right to be who she is.
You have written this chapter in highly charged emotional state. By the way, why haven't you alerted us that we would need multiple boxes of tissues just to read these last two chapters? LOL. Thank you for sharing.
"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."
Love & hugs,
Barbara
"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."
Pretty Rough On Susan
Hi Drea; this is emotional, yes?
I feel like hating the religion of these pastors, but that's not where it's at. I think their problem is being close minded and not liberal (centuries old meaning of the term.) They have all the information they need, but won't consider it; not even the scientific findings. They would rather hurt an individual, if fact, one very close to them, rather than act like Jesus and just love her. The older pastor seems to put 4 to 5K years old rules for Israelites to live, ahead of the actual living, even tho' Paul said that Jews (new to Christianity) had to follow the old laws, but non-Jews should not be expected to follow them.
The Christian part of their Christianity says to love everyone and not to judge. They have no right to be against Susan, specifically because she has harmed none and not done anything wrong. I'm sick of ignorants who deny science, even if most religions accept scientific findings centuries later (like the Sun is the center of the solar system). OTOH, if doubters are ignorant people we should excuse them. Who we should not excuse are those who purport to be educated, learned and intelligent. For them to persist in their ignorance, they are either slothful and lazy or they are something worse, like haters. "Christian haters" should be oxymoronic!
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
if Dad doesnt smarten up, he's going to lose all his kids
right now, it would serve him right.
The words 'elephant' and
The words 'elephant' and 'room' come to mind.
that seems to be the problem with
Big business Religion, they interpet the word, to bring in the bucks, never mind that it should be about sharing the love.
so will they all end up at the Aunts the brothers showing that they love their sister?
Goddess Bless you
Love Desiree
Arrrrrrrrg! Another great and emotional chapter
* * * * RANT ahead inspired by 'Drea's powerful writing * * * *
LOVED that line by Pat the ass Pastor about the psych doc."What would you expect her to say?"
THAT LINE absolutely applies to Pat and his ilk "What would you expect them to say?"
Quoting and misquoting/quoting out of context thousands of year old writings and assuming THEY are absolute truth and the answer to all of today's problems is nuts! It is the height of false pride/hubris. Um, isn't that one of the seven deadly sins?
Even most of Pats's kids disagree with him except for his Nazi in training son, the *Youth Pastor*.
About time The CARE pastor learns to care for people and not image or others interpretations of ancient text. And Pastor Pat needs to be put out to pastor as the kind hearted homophobe and stick up the butt that he is.
I swear I want to set the two on fire and proclaim "If your faith is pure and strong the fire will not burn."
Course it will burn them horribly but then "That was the will of God." No matter what they say and how wrong they are in their preaching and *proclamations of gods word* there is always "the will of god and how he works in mysterious ways" to get them out of being accused of being wrong.
Arrg!
Where is the forgiveness, the lack of judging other, the compassion of supposed Christians here?
This family is a train wreck. I Hope and assume ALLL the kids go to the aunt AND the aunt sick social services on the dad for kicking out an UNDERAGE child. An empty home for a few weeks may not be enough to convince the CARE pastor he is wrong and actually uncaring. Though a few nights in jail being Bubba's bitch might do the trick.
Jesse, I am pissed off at this fictional idiot!
Sad to say there are far too many in the church, past and present , who act as these fictional characters do. It is rigid adherence to ONE view of faith, to one world view that does so much harm.
My parents, mom in particular was treated to such *compassionate council* when my older sister was born severely disabled that it drove both my parents away from any church. Even as mom lay dying I think she only agreed to a rather mild, watered down non-denominational burial service for the comfort of relatives she knew were church going. That and as a child she liked some of the music in church.
But the hypocrisy, the rush to judge, the unfortunate tendency to an us vs them attitude that turned her away from her church. And dad supported her though I don't think they got flack from any in his faith. But then I always got the impression both of their sets of parents put doing the right thing, being kind and helpful IE being a decent person was foremost and organized faith less so. NONE of them ever pressured them or us kids to attend church.
Fortunately mom's family though most stayed in it never shunned her. But then her faith was one of those supposedly more personal faiths though somewhat revivalist I suppose. They used to print and still do I think one of the better respected newspapers the ...Science Monitor. And why god punished my sister? 'Cause mom married a GULP... a non smoking, non drinking, non gambling, non whoring Evangelical Lutheran. OH the HORRORS!
VERY GOOD writing, "Drea. Pushed my buttons wholesale and well.
That Pastor Pat would even *suggest this* IE command it proves he is a ass and possibly headed to prison if he keeps giving such sage advice. Such advice will get people killed eventually but then that would be part of "god's plan" or whatever white wash such fools use to cover up their ignorance.
Aaaaarrrg!
Damn this is good stuff, "Drea.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
Readings from the book of Olaf:
Cursed are those with tightly closed little minds through which nothing passes, for they shall be known as assholes!
Thus endeth the lesson for the day.
Bigots, through who's mind no new, loving or non-controlling thought passes are cursed with constipation of the intellect!
All these pastors have forgotten Gods love, if they ever knew it. Susan's father is the worst for persecuting his own child!
Brilliantly written: This really pushes all my anti (dis)organized religion buttons.
Ole
We are each exactly as God made us. God does not make mistakes!
Gender rights are the new civil rights!
argh!
Jerry needs to grow a spine. It will be difficult it will be hard but your child means more than the opinions of others.
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair