“Now, none of that. That’s your father talking! Danny is his own man even if he just turned eighteen. And who’s to say what’s right for him? He’s very happy where he landed, and since he’s an adult now, he’ll be able to plot his own course. The church he attends understands what all of you kids have gone through. I wish you could find a place where you feel like you belong.”

Previously…

“Susan is my sister, Dad. You can’t just send her away. It’s fucking wrong.”

“No, Dad. Not where or with whom. I don’t understand. For all you care? Isn’t that what this is supposed to be about? That you care about her enough to send her away? It sounds like you don’t fucking care at all.”

Two years later…

This is not a dream that I'm living
This is just a world of Your own
You took me from all that I knew
Shown me how it feels to hope
With You with me, facing tomorrow together
I can learn to fly
Feels like I'm living in a lion's mouth, but the lion is (an angel)

The fading sunlight barely made it through the window to cast a soft glow on Susan’s back pack, which lay on the sofa in the living room. She placed her bow on the love seat and walked into the kitchen where her Aunt Lina stood waiting with two mugs of cocoa. She sat down and breathed out a frustrated sigh. Her school didn’t offer women’s archery so she spent her afternoons at an archery club in Linden; one of the few things she still enjoyed. She smiled warmly and took the proffered mug from her Aunt’s hand.

“Still a struggle, honey? I’m so sorry,” the woman said softly.

“College isn’t quite as bad as high school, but that still doesn’t make it at all easier does it?” Lina DePasquale asked as she sat down at the kitchen table across from the young lady she had come to love more as a daughter than as a niece. And since the State of New Jersey endorsed her kindred care adoption, Susan was able to gain some help that her father otherwise denied her.

“There are a few guys on campus that act like fools with everybody, so I don’t feel so singled out.” Susan sipped her coffee almost reluctantly, as if by finishing the cup she’d be consigned to yet another ‘life’ task that required emotional gymnastics and her barely developed sense of self-esteem.

“But you do have that one boy, right?”

“It’s not even the teasing. If it was just that, I think I could deal better with it. But having someone who knew me …. We grew up together and he’s become almost hateful. Like somehow my being who I am is hurting him.”

“It doesn’t help that he’s the son of the pastor.” Lina regretted the words as soon as she spoke them; the church had literally turned its back on the girl, which would have been hard enough. But to have her father disown her?

“I’m so sorry you have to go through this, Susan.” She shook her head. The girl smiled weakly.

“It’s okay. I’m fine.” You know what they say when someone says they’re fine? Lina didn’t fall for that at all.

“It can’t be fine, honey. Not when you have to live here instead of at home.”

“This is my home, Aunt Lina.” The girl sighed; the love she received was healing in so many ways, but Lina’s love could only compensate so much for the betrayal by her father.

“I know, but I’m really a poor substitute for your real family. I’m at least glad that Carlo and Danny haven’t turned their backs on you.”

“They’ve given up so much themselves. Danny would probably be in ministry right now if the church hadn’t shoved him out the door….It’s all my fault.” Susan put her head down on her arms on the table and began to cry.

“Now, none of that. That’s your father talking! Danny is his own man even if he just turned eighteen. And who’s to say what’s right for him? He’s very happy where he landed, and since he’s an adult now, he’ll be able to plot his own course. The church he attends understands what all of you kids have gone through. I wish you could find a place where you feel like you belong.”

“Theresa invited me to come to church with her….” Her voice tailed off.

“Still doesn’t make it right, sweetie.”

“Oh, Aunt Lina… It hurts so much to think that someone could actually hate me so much.” She lifted her head and wiped her face with her sleeve.

“It’s not just someone, honey. No child should ever be treated the way your father has treated you.”

“Maybe he’s right. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I don’t deserve ….” Her voice trailed off.

“What? Don’t deserve to be loved? None of us ‘deserves’ it…. That’s what makes it love. Because it’s freely given. But you don’t deserve hatred and bigotry, Susan. No one does. But you especially…. Your father hurt you, and it’s not your fault. It’s his choice to be foolish. I can’t imagine how much that hurts you, but you can’t blame yourself. And you’re not wrong. You are who and what you are by the grace of God, no matter what someone else says.” Lina found herself getting very angry and frustrated. She reached across the table and grabbed the girl’s hand and squeezed tightly.

“I know this can’t make up for what you lost, honey, but I love you more than life itself. If Louise were still alive…” She gasped at the grief she still bore over the loss of her sister.

“Mommy knew…. Why can’t Dad understand? It’s like she never mattered. He’s become so hard… I feel like an orphan.”

“Not as long as I’m alive, baby.” She stood up and walked around the table. Leaning over, she hugged Susan from behind and kissed the top of her head. And the emotion of the moment proved too painful if hopeful for both as Lina began to cry. As she wept, she sang haltingly; a blessing of encouragement and strength for the girl in her arms and perhaps herself as well. She gazed out the window, wondering where her strength came from; not so much a wonder as recalling. She leaned closer and spoke a soft, nearly silent prayer in the girl’s ear and smiled with a confidence that came from outside herself.

Wise eyes, You see the core of me
Your gentleness melts me
And now I know that words cannot describe
The power that I feel when I'm with You

Union County College, a few days later…

The girl moved through the cafeteria looking for a free table. A table against a wall in the back seemed to beckon. She walked as quickly as she could and placed her tray on the table only to feel the presence of someone behind her.

“Hey…” The voice felt almost cold and reluctant. Susan turned to find herself face to face with Tim McKenna.

“Oh…hi…” it was all she could manage to keep from running out of the cafeteria. At one time Tim had been her best friend; rather he had been Mark’s best friend. When she came out to the youth group at church, many of the kids showed they accepted her even if they didn’t understand. Some even supported her though they felt conflicted between what they had come to believe versus the girl who stood before her. Tim never seemed conflicted, and it felt like she had been abandoned when he literally turned his back on her.

“I…Do you mind?” He used his tray to point to the table. Mostly, the girl wanted to say, ‘Yes, of course I mind. You hurt me more than anything in my whole life!’ But something from deep inside her rose up and spoke to her; she blew out a tired breath as she nodded her head and sat down. Ted placed his tray on the table and looked around before taking his seat. She sighed and spoke.

“Looking to see if anyone you know is here? Making sure that you’re not seen with an abomination? “ Susan looked away.

“No, I was expecting someone…Here he is.” The boy turned around and nodded. Danny walked up to them and paused. He leaned over and kissed Susan on the cheek before sitting down between the two, surprising her.

“Sorry I’m late,” he said as his gaze went back and forth between the two. Tim smiled weakly before looking past Danny to Susan.

“Danny ….” Tim went to speak but put his head down instead

“I sorta had a talk with him….Okay…I had a talk with him.” Danny half-grinned before reaching over to put his hand on Susan’s arm.

“Listen…try to listen to what he has to say, sis. Okay?“ Susan nodded at Danny and turned to face Tim. She hadn’t meant to be cold, but the self-embracing hug seemed to be reluctant until she spoke softly.

“Before you say anything….” She choked back a sob but continued as her words came haltingly.

“I…I forgive you.” She put her hand to her face and began to cry; even if the cafeteria had been empty she would have had no resolve to hold back and she wept freely.

“Mark….Susan? I am so sorry.” Tim practically choked on the ‘new’ name; not out of shame, but out of wanting to be sure he corrected himself.

“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I was so wrong.” Coming from the son of the senior pastor of her father’s church, it might have meant something, but coming from the boy with whom she shared so many adventures and even secrets growing up? It meant the world to find he had changed.

“T…Tim? I said I forgive you.” Not an abrupt impatient reminder but a sincere need for him to know how much he still meant to her. Even if that one thing in her heart might be unsaid forever, he had to at least know he was still a part of her life. She reached past Danny and patted Tim’s hand; as if he was the one who had needed consoling all along. And in a way he had.

“You….forgive me?” He shook his head; not in disbelief of the truth of her words but rather in the very part of his soul that felt unworthy of forgiveness. He had not only betrayed his best friend but at one point had gathered others around him to join in his betrayal. That many quickly fell away and came to their senses made little difference; he had joined with his father’s ignorance and fear and cast his friendship…his friend aside. Susan nodded her head slowly, forcing a smile as tears fell freely from all of their faces.

“I…forgive you.” It had to be enough, but even at that point it was too much as so many unspoken thoughts and dreams and hopes remained unsaid. She stood up and put her hand on Danny’s shoulder as a wave of dizziness nearly overcame her.

“I… I have to go…I’m sorry.” She turned to Tim and looked at his face, beholding something she knew was there and wishing that something else would reveal itself. She sighed and spoke.

“I am so, so sorry….” She didn’t finish but turned and walked away quickly; her soft sobs almost lost in the din of the crowded cafeteria as she walked out the door.

“I….She’s still angry, isn’t she?” Not that she would have been wrong; one doesn’t quickly rebuild a bridge over a river that has washed away years of friendship. But she wasn’t angry at all.

“You know, for a college student…. Dean’s list? Transfer to Cornell? You’re an idiot….a real fool, dear friend.” The words might have seemed harsh but for Danny’s soft laugh and widening grin.

“I don’t….she’s angry, right?” Tim shook his head and Danny mirrored his expression as his laugh grew a bit louder.

“You still don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what? I don’t get it…that’s why I asked. Is she still angry with me?”

“No. She’s not angry with you, Tim.” Danny clapped his hand on Tim’s back before saying at last.

“She’s in love with you!”

You took me from all that I knew
Shown me how it feels to hope
With You with me, facing tomorrow together
I can learn to fly
Feels like I'm living in a lion's mouth, but the lion is (an angel)

The Albanese home a few days later…

“I’m really disappointed, Carlo. You and your brother should be setting an example and yet Rob tells me you haven’t gotten involved in any of the youth activities.” Jerry grabbed the mug of warm coffee and downed it quickly. Carlo shook his head.

“It’s awfully hard to volunteer for an activity in a church that treats my sister like dirt!” He snapped. As he finished, Danny walked into the kitchen.

“Volunteer for what?”

“You and your brother have been blowing off Youth Group, and it has to stop.”

“Or what, Dad? How can you punish us more than what you already have? Who gives a fuck when you kicked Susan to the curb?”

“Now don’t you use that tone with me!”

“Oh dear god in heaven, just shut up!” Carlo stood up and glared at Jerry.

“I’m not going to listen to this crap. You obviously care about a bunch of people who share your views, so what difference does it make when Danny and me ask you to change your mind? When the Youth Pastor puts Susan’s stuff all over the church? After two years, Dad? Apart from Theresa and a couple others, none of her friends even stuck up for her. She and her family are going to Grace Episcopal and others have left. Not enough!”

“This is foolish. I’m your father.” Jerry protested.

“Sorry, Dad. I know you’re my father.” Danny said. Carlo nodded as Danny continued.

“But so long as you hate your daughter…” Danny rarely cried out of frustration; his tears had always seemed to be reserved for joyous occasions much like his mother’s tears. But he wasn’t even able to finish. Carlo stepped closer and put his hand on his father’s back.

“I love you, Dad…we love you. But we can’t go to a church that treats our sister…your daughter….with such hatred. Sorry, Dad. I am truly sorry.” Carlo grabbed Danny by the hand and led him to the back door and out.

“But I’m your father…” Jerry looked around at the empty kitchen and the irony of the moment struck him almost like lightening as he put his head down on the table and sobbed.

Peace and power, love forever
Who am I to stand before You?
I am speechless
But in my weakness
You are here and all is well

To be continued…

Lion
Words and Music by
Rebecca St. James, Kerry Barlowe,
Jamie Moore, and Shaun Shenkel
As performed by
Rebecca St. James
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOVvu6JyCUs