“Dad?”

In virtually every way, she resembled her ‘predecessor;’ the sister in a set of metaphoric fraternal twins, in a way. But her expression and her demeanor were all Christina. No hint of Christopher other than the same reluctant half-smile borne of insecurity and hope. Chris looked at his daughter; perhaps for the first time, in a way and sighed.

Previously…

“What I’m saying means nothing; you know? She obviously sees something in you that you don’t see in her. And you hardly…you never see the good in yourself. But I see a side of you that no one else has ever bothered to notice…except maybe for a nice paramedic. You’re kind and considerate. You’re wise without …you don’t realize what you’ve done for me, and it’s too…. Sad,’ she said, omitting the expletive.

“But I’m not…” Keeva protested, as if it would be wrong to even acknowledge one fraction of what her daughter had said. And she sat down; putting her hands in front of her face as if to hide from the truth. That moment in the store where she literally ran into Rianna was a moment of very awkward truth; that while she might not be able to speak it, never the less, when it came to being attracted, the feeling was mutual…and painfully at that.

Wave After Wave

Wave after wave rolls on
And the water falls and the line is drawn
Wave after wave rolls in
And the line is gone where my feet have been

The Safeway parking lot….

Rianna had never been one to push a faith on any other, but she held fast to some things that proved to be more than just helpful. Now was a time to cling to what faith she had even if her first inclination was to rail at an unfair universe and a capricious God.

“What do you want from me?” She practically shouted while pounding the steering wheel; not just a prayer of desperation but also an expression of what anger she felt she deserved. It was as if every moment in time had conspired to meet her; that funny feeling we all have that asks ‘what if this is all for my benefit’ as if the whole world revolved around us? She rested her head on her arm and wept; if her shaking had been any more intense she might have set off the car horn. As it was, she drew the attention of two girls walking through the parking lot; they stopped only long enough to point at the spectacle before laughing and moving on.

And a large, rather robust looking woman sat on the hood of her car; the smile on her face was of little indication of the fervency of the prayer she offered as her hand reached through the windshield to touch Rianna’s forehead in a kind of blessing. Rianna sat up, feeling useless and useful in the same moment; realizing it wasn’t really all about her. She sighed and wiped her face with her sleeve before starting the car. The woman on the hood hopped off and sighed softly as Rianna drove off.

Hills that I know are there
Hidden from my view by the misty air
Light shining through the gray
Turns the water deep shades of lilac blue

Keeva’s home, the next afternoon

“Can I come in?” Chris stood on the doorstep; the proverbial hat in hand was unaccompanied by a corresponding humility. He looked over Keeva’s shoulder to scan the room behind. She stepped back and gestured for him to enter.

“Jeez, Chris. You know you’re always welcome here. “ She walked into the kitchen and pour both of them some coffee.

“Really?” His eyes lit up with a false enthusiasm, and she shook her head.

“You know what I mean, Chris. Your daughter has been wondering when you’d make a new appearance.”

“Don’t start with me, Keev….I don’t need this.”

“Start with you? Your daughter nearly killed herself, but for the grace of God, and it’s all about you?”

“I’ve wanted to come over, but I just don’t know how to deal with him just yet.” He looked away as if a script girl had a cue for his next line. Keeva gestured for him to sit down on the sofa as she placed a mug on a coaster on the coffee table.

“See….here’s where it gets to be so hard for her. You can’t even use the right pronoun. She started transition over two years ago when she was in high school, and you can’t bring yourself to recognize her. Jeez, Chris. You couldn’t hurt her more if you tried.” Keeva sat in the wooden arm chair across from the sofa, cradling her own mug with sleeves pulled past her hands.

“I don’t understand, Keev. I mean just why does a boy just up and decide in the middle of high school that he wants to be a girl.” It had gotten old the last several times he said that. Keeva shook her head, promising herself she wouldn’t get angry.

“She didn’t just decide. If you had bothered to pay attention, you would have noticed she was conflicted all through middle school. We’re quite aware that you don’t understand. It’s the lack of trying that gets hard to bear. You can’t even say her name.”

“Sure I can. Chris.” He laughed at his own joke, but Keeva frowned.

“You know what I mean. What’s her name? What has she asked you to call her?” He looked down and away.

“Come on. Say her name.”

“Chris…” His voice trailed off.

“It’s Christina. Is that so hard? It’s not even that far away from her old name. And it’s not like she’s asking for the moon. All she wants is for you to care.”

“What am I supposed to do? I feel like I lost a son.” He sighed, and it was likely the first time in ages that Keeva saw him getting emotional over something important.

“I know, Chris. It’s hard because you expected something from your child that she couldn’t deliver. But it would have been like that if she had decided to major in art instead of business in a way; not meeting your expectations. I guess that’s why….”

“Now who’s starting. I never placed any expectations on you.”

“No, I guess you didn’t. You just got disappointed in me because I didn’t measure up. Like you didn’t say what you wanted until after I didn’t give it to you. That’s what you’re doing with your daughter. You want a perfect child in an imperfect world. If Lisa’s death didn’t prove that, then I don’t know what would." She paused and looked away; she wanted to include Chris but he needed to know the truth.

"You can’t have what doesn’t exist. People die and people disappoint, Chris, even if you never spoke a word to me or our daughter about what you wanted.” She hadn’t meant to make such a contrast, but she was protective of Chrissy; even if she never bore her, she was still the mother of someone else’s child as much as anyone could be.

“She cries a lot.” Perhaps too much, some might think, but a child with one parent in the grave and another as cold as if he were dead in a way. Keeva felt helpless to fix the rift between father and daughter, but it couldn’t be repaired until someone took a step closer. It wasn’t fair, so to speak, but it was how things were.

“Dad?”

A voice came from off to Chris’ right. He turned to see a fairly nondescript young woman standing in the kitchen archway. She wore jeans and a black tee. Her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail at the base of her neck, revealing her fairly-scrubbed face. Just a hint of eye shadow and lip gloss ‘betrayed’ her gender.

In virtually every way, she resembled her ‘predecessor;’ the sister in a set of fraternal twins, in a way. But her expression and her demeanor were all Christina. No hint of Christopher other than the same reluctant half-smile borne of insecurity and hope. Chris looked at his daughter; perhaps for the first time, in a way and sighed.

“I just….I’m glad you’re here.” She resisted the urge to run to her father for a new-girl embrace; the fear of rejection coupled with a wise decision to allow her father to take it in a bit before going all out. She looked over at Keeva and shrugged her shoulders as if to say, ‘I’m trying…I’m really trying!’ Keeva half-frowned; not at the girl’s attempt, but at her need to be acceptable when it should have been second nature to her father.

“I…I’m glad, too.” Chris practically whispered; his head down. It would have seemed that he was ashamed of her, and at one time that might have been true. But that he echoed her indicated a huge change that no one could have imagined only days before. He looked up at her and smiled weakly and patted the cushion next to him. She slowly walked over and sat down and faced him. She held her arms back; fearful of being rebuked once again merely for wanting what any child, boy or girl, would want from a father. Chris leaned closer and pulled her into an awkward hug; the kind where both parties pat each other on the back for lack of a better thing to do.

“I’m sorry.” He uttered softly. It was the first time that Keeva had ever heard her ex-husband apologize for anything, and it wasn’t lost at all on his daughter as well. Chrissy began to shake in his arms; not violently, but with an underlying release of grief and sadness over several years of lost hope. She began to sob softly, which Chris matched with a soft stroking of his daughter’s hair. The loss and sadness gave way to relief as she realized in so many ways for the first time what most children know from their earliest of beginnings; that her father actually loved her.

“I’m going to head out to get something for dinner.” Keeva smiled and patted Chris and Chrissy both on their shoulders. They looked up as if to say, ‘ you’re not going, are you?’ She smiled.

“You two need to connect. And I’m only going to get in the way by either pushing or pulling you both when you need to take this at your own speed. God doesn’t need me fudging this up with my take, guys, so you just go ahead and hug and talk and whatever else needs to be done. I’ll be back in a while.”

She nodded at them before grabbing her car keys and heading out the door. A tall woman sat on the stool by the counter and smiled at another woman who almost appeared to be her sister, but for the decided difference in the color of their wings. She smiled as Keeva walked past; a nod and a grin of approval for a job well left done by the ones who needed to talk. The other woman nodded and smiled as Chris pulled back just a bit and revealed to his newly-appreciated daughter that she wasn’t the only one in the family who could cry.

Music in every sound light beyond each cloud
Hope in every dream
Songs like a healing breeze every breath inhale
And the goodness feel

Thai Orchid Café, Klamath Falls….shortly thereafter

Keeva paid for her take-away and turned to leave. Two fairly large women seemed to be arguing in the doorway of the restaurant. She shied back and turned around just in time to walk into another woman. Their feet got tangled and they fell sideways into the booth by the doorway. A moment later Keeva was greeted with a broad grin and a soft chuckle.

“I was hoping I’d run into you, but this is ridiculous.” Rianna said as Keeva struggled to extricate herself from their two-woman pile. She offered her hand in assistance, and Keeva took it; albeit reluctantly. As she stood up she seemed a bit of a loss for balance, feeling somewhat dizzy from standing up too quickly, perhaps. Rianna continued to hold her hand as she righted herself and the woman’s soft touch made her feel uncomfortable and welcome at the same time.

“You can let go of my hand now.” Keeva said, but as Rianna loosened her grip, something inside prodded Keeva a bit and she held onto Rianna’s hand.

“Okay.” Rianna smiled. Whatever was going on, it wasn’t only on her end, she supposed. Keeva’s face turned a soft red and she let go quickly as if she had been holding a live wire. And for all the emotion that seemed to be flowing through her at the moment, she might as well have been. She shook her head and grabbed the bag of food that had fallen on the bench in front of Rianna. The woman smiled and reached out and lifted the bag up and handed it to her; leaving her in a very minor if crucial debt as her face grew even redder.

“I have to go!” She snapped and turned to walk away. Her coat had gotten caught on the frame of the wooden chair next to the booth and she once again lost her balance. This time she fell backwards and into the arms of Rianna, who had stood up to help. They came face to face, and would have kissed each other but for the propriety of one and the confusion of the other. Keeva pushed away slightly and nodded a thank you before running out the front door; failing to notice that the two women who had been arguing were now shaking hands for a job well done. A moment later she was in her car, which she had parked a few spaces down from the restaurant. She looked up in time to see Rianna walking her way. She went to lock the doors, but hit the window switch instead, opening it to the cold air and warm encounter that seemed to wish to never end.

“Listen. I understand if you’re shy or you don’t really find me to be your type. It’s okay?” Who was she to tell Keeva what was okay about how she felt? But Rianna continued.

“But there’s nothing wrong with me or you either. Alright? I just thought I’d mention that before you drive off scared.” Rianna wasn’t used to being so forward, but she seemed emboldened by the odd opportunity that had presented itself. And she, as they say, wasn’t getting any younger. Keeva pressed the lock switch and the lock clicked loudly. Rianna laughed softly and reached in through the partially opened window; unlocking the door once again. She opened the door and plopped herself down in the seat beside Keeva and smiled a silly smile as if she was a mischievous child instead of a ‘full-grown’ woman.

“What…wha….” Keeva began to protest, but Rianna was determined and would have none of that. She leaned close and put her hand on Keeva’s face, caressing it softly. The woman tried very hard not to respond, but her face, already hot with embarrassment, took on a new change of temperature as her face cooled slightly and her cheeks lightened slightly; a new emotion or rather a newly-focused emotion began to display itself. Rianna missed nothing and leaned closer. She smiled with a soft sigh and kissed Keeva full on the lips; all the while still touching the woman’s cheek with her hand. A hand that had helped heal and sooth and restore as part of a job took on a new function as the healing and soothing and restoration was for as much benefit for her as for Keeva’s.

“I…no….I’m not….”

She wasn’t so much protesting Rianna’s gesture as much as protesting her own worthiness. But for the first time since they had met, both women were on the same page in communication. Not misunderstanding; an economy of words was accompanied by looks and sighs and smiles that neither woman had incorporated into their repertoires. Each understood full well what the other felt and thought though no other words passed between them as they kissed each other.

Normally, Keeva would have worried that she was being selfish; knowing that the Pad Ruam Mit was getting colder by the moment, and that Chris and Chrissy would be waiting for dinner. And practical Rianna would likely have glanced at carry out in her tote bag and the bag on the back seat of Rianna’s care and noted that Pad Phet is easily reheatable. But both women uncharacteristically ignored the food and continued to kiss, carried along, as it were, riding wave after wave of new and wonderful emotions. Of course, the two waiting for Keeva weren’t really worried about dinner anyway, and it’s indeed true… you can reheat Pad Phet.

Songs like a healing breeze every breath inhale
And the goodness feel
Rise from the bird above from the flower below
In a song of love

Light shining through the gray
Turns the water deep shades of lilac blue
Music in every sound light beyond each cloud
Hope in every dream

Next: The Angels Dance (Finale)

Wave after Wave
Words and music by
Frank Van Essen, Dave Bainbridge and
Troy Donockley
As performed by Iona
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dY_Kbq1laqs