But if they had a contest between the three women at the table as to who was the most insecure, it might have been a dead heat. The girl felt so badly about herself that she had given into hopelessness. The woman who loved her felt overshadowed by a woman whose only fault was that her husband had built her up into a hero of mythical proportion, even in death. And the woman sitting across from them witnessed the love between the two, feeling entirely unworthy and inauthentic; as if being herself was some mere phase of life rather than the huge struggle she had endured with much success.

Previously…

“You…you called me YOUR daughter!” A moment like this demanded a ‘group’ hug, but Riana held back; actually nudging Keeva toward Chris. Healthy, robust, and relieved sobs seemed to fill the corridor, but really they were barely heard over the loud beep and an innocuous announcement about some hospital function later that day. The two held each other and in those few seconds a family was being knit together.

The moment wasn’t lost on Riana. She stood back and watched the two as they faced each other, alternately laughing and crying. And Riana knew one thing if she knew anything at all. She would give all of her worldly possessions and then some if she could be a part of that family as she promptly and almost inexplicably fell in love with Keeva O’Bannon.

Vision of Naran

I was following somebody's footsteps to this place
A wind was blowing
And I thought I felt you touch my face
And I danced on my own
But I wasn't alone on the hillside
And I sang for the king
I could hear angels sing in the distance

Nibbley’s Café at Washburn Way, Klamath Falls….

“I can’t begin to thank you enough for your help.” Keeva said as the waitress approached with their drinks. She paused as the girl spoke.

“Two diet cokes and an unsweetened tea for you, right?” Rianna nodded as the girl placed the glasses on the table. Her name tag read “Kyra,” which was almost ironic since ‘Kyra’ was a name that Chris had toyed with early on before deciding on her own given name.

“Your order should be out in a few, okay?” The girl’s words were really a statement; she walked away quickly to another table as the trio sat quietly. Rianna felt completely out of place in a place of her making, so to speak; inviting them for lunch seemed like a good thing at the time, but the more they sat the more awkward she felt.

Apart from her support group and some close friends, she really didn’t talk much at all about being a transsexual; more out of a need to be accepted just as a person rather than any label. How she had ended up in the midst of this drama was a mystery to her; almost as if someone had orchestrated her every move. And the drama wasn’t histrionic; no divas but a stage, so to speak, filled with real characters working out their own tragic lives, including Rianna as a newly added cast member

“As I was saying,” Keeva spoke again, leaving Rianna nervous. Perhaps it was a good idea after all; the restaurant was quiet since the lunch crowd had pretty much departed, leaving them alone save for couple of men finishing up what looked to be a long business meal punctuated by more drinks. Rianna felt nervous, none the less as she tried not to stare at the woman sitting across from her. It didn’t help that Chris had excused herself to use the restroom.

“I’m not much of a well-read woman when it comes to non-fiction… real life things are too often intruding into my life as it is, so I tend to stick with fantasy and sci fi for reading, you know?” She spoke in a matter-of-fact manner, but there was much more to her than the lighthearted and casual demeanor. She had, after all, participated in the care and raising of someone else’ unique child.

“Don’t get me wrong, please?” She pled; leaving Rianna wondering why she would feel the need to preface or apologize.

“Chris ….Senior… He’s a very busy man; I found out that he only had room for two things in his life…his business and his business.” She grinned at the words; consumed with work was likely the best thing she could say about her relationship with her ex since he did provide for a good home and an almost acceptable presence in the family. Their breakup was more due to his inability to deal with his own obsession than the obsession itself, so to speak.

“And he’s much better to both of us since the divorce. It hurt Chris… It hurt my daughter more than me.” Ever the conciliator, she minimized the hurt she felt even as she did accurately describe how much damage Chris had endured.

“I’ve known and believed for some time how different Chris …funny to even say that, but with being her father’s namesake? Anyway, Senior flat out has refused to accept that the son his beloved bore him is a daughter. I guess I didn’t have any dog in the fight, you know? It’s easy for me to talk, since I didn’t know the family back then, and I’m not losing a dream by accepting Chris as a young woman. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to overwhelm you, but I had hoped you might be of help with her. She has very few friends, and some of them have pulled back since she started to stick her toe out of the closet.” At the word ‘closet’ she blushed; not of embarrassment at the word, but at the fear in her heart that she say something that might embarrass Rianna.

“Oh…I understand, and please; it’s alright. I’d rather you were open and said too much than held back.” She meant because of Chris, but Rianna found herself staring at Keeva. Hopefully her gaze would appear as attentive rather than something more. Or maybe not. Rianna was never one to hold back either, but being forward about a virtual stranger’s family is one thing. Staring at someone because they had captured her attention with everything else was another matter entirely. She shifted in the bench as she realized she was leaning on her hand as her arm rested on the table.

“I had a friend in college who was a lot like you.” Keeva paused and then proceeded to qualify her statement.

“All through school she volunteered for the local rescue squad. Very intense and absolutely loyal and diligent to the task. She ended up dropping out of school and she’s a full-time fire fighter. She has the same look about her as you do.” Keeva stretched her hand out absentmindedly and touched Rianna’s wrist, causing Rianna to pull away. The gesture wasn’t lost on Keeva and she pulled back slightly in a mirror image almost of Rianna’s embarrassment.

“What I mean…sorry, this trip is taking an awful lot of time with too many stops. Chris needs to know that she’s okay. She knows I love her and her father does love her in his own stubborn way. But she needs to see that she’s fine just the way she is. When your friends back away, you know. Of course you must know.” As she spoke she had a look that almost said ‘I’m sorry’ without any words.

“Oh damn, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to imply anything. I just thought you might have had to deal with rejection like she has, you know?” Keeva shrugged her shoulders and looked off to the alcove leading to the restrooms, hoping Chris would return quickly.

“Don’t worry, okay? I’m glad you’re so sensitive to her needs. Growing up trans is difficult enough, and whatever we can do to make things work better for her.” Rianna smiled a half-smile; her expression was lost on Keeva as her attention remained focused across the dining room.

“And I’m glad to help. I think mostly that I go to the support group to get encouragement, but when I think about it, it’s more like I’m there to encourage. So helping Chris seems just right.” She paused as Keeva turned back around in time to notice that Rianna had resumed staring at her. It was only a bit disconcerting, but much more intriguing at first, which made Keeva feel embarrassed and even ashamed in a small way. She looked over at Rianna with the same sort of gaze one might employ to look past the glare of high-beams while driving; just enough off-focus to keep her eye on the road.

“It must be awkward; having so much contact with your ex, but I suppose it’s for Chris’ sake even more so because of the challenges she’s facing. So whatever I can do to help you.” She quickly added ‘both.’

“We can use all the help we can get. And friendship.” Now it was Keeva’s turn to qualify her words.

“A….Chris will be so blessed to have a friend who understands.” Rianna nodded and looked past Keeva to see Chris emerge from the restroom. It seemed like an eternity that the two women had talked, when it was really only a few minutes.

“It seems to me that you’ve made a great effort to understand; not all that common for parents, sadly, but even more so with step-parents.” She regretted the description, but it was more of an acknowledgement of what Chris had… whom Chris had as opposed to what was lacking. Keeva picked up the subtlety and nodded.

“I’ve know her almost all of her life, you know? I can’t take the place of her mother, you know?” She sighed. She indeed had taken the place of Chris’ mother in so much as she cared for the girl more than anyone else on earth, including her father. But Keeva was fairly intent on minimizing her role in the girl’s life; feeling inadequate and inferior will do that.

“You don’t know, do you?” The women looked up to find Chris standing by the booth. Keeva put her head down; embarrassed over her words, which anyone beside her might find to be kind and thoughtful and loving if somewhat inaccurate.

“No, Keev….” Chris leaned on the table and reached over to touch Keeva’s arm. Another attempt at retreat was thwarted as Chris gripped Keeva’s wrist like a vise.

“You just don’t get it, do you?” The words seemed harsh and an indictment over some insensitivity unvoiced. But she shook her head and continued. Turning to Rianna, she spoke.

“Keev’s my mom…not my step-mom. I sorta love my mother, but I never knew her, really. She gave birth to me and I think the little I know from what I remember is that she really loved me. But I grew up with someone else in my life.” She used her eyes to indicate Keeva, who by now had put her head down.

“She’s loved me like nobody else…even Daddy. And she knows me like no one else. I wish to god she’d realize just how much I …. How thankful I am.” Her words were crisp and almost loud; filled with conviction. She sat down; still holding Keeva’s wrist. She tugged gently and Keeva looked up.

“I am so sorry I…. You didn’t deserve that…. It must have scared you so much.” Keeva nodded as tears began to flow. No one could ever care for the care like she did, from everyone else’ estimation. But if they had a contest between the three women at the table as to who was the most insecure, it might have been a dead heat. The girl felt so badly about herself that she had given into hopelessness. The woman who loved her felt overshadowed by a woman whose only fault was that her husband had built her up into a hero of mythical proportion, even in death. And the woman sitting across from them witnessed the love between the two, feeling entirely unworthy and inauthentic; as if being herself was some mere phase of life rather than the huge struggle she had endured with much success.

Three women feeling incompatible and unworthy and foolish and awkward and fearful. No amount of explanations nor any words of encouragement would dint the lack of hope each felt, but for the odd fulfillment of some solomonic adage about a cord of three strands being not easily broken. Faith would play a part in their hope; a spiritual faith, to be sure, but also faith in each other and faith in their own selves as the three of them were being wound together like that cord. A mystery, some might say.

“Excuse me? I’m so sorry.” Kyra placed three plates on the table; two Chicken Cobb salads and a Kobe Burger. The three women sat up and tried to pretend they weren’t at all embarrassed and the girl went along and tried with some success not to be embarrassed at their embarrassment, saying.

“Is there anything else I can get for you?” Keeva and Chris smiled politely and practically whispered ‘no’ in unison. Rianna looked up at the girl and smiled and said with what seemed like more conviction than was called for,

“No, we’re fine for now. Thank you.” And in a silent muse in the back of her mind, she added,

“I’ve got everything I need right here in front of me.”

Despite the thought that remained unspoken, Rianna Pentangelo sighed deeply like a school-girl with her first crush as her face grew very hot and red. The girl nodded and walked back to the drink station. A tall woman stood in the nearby alcove; her arms were folded in a pose of satisfaction. And Kyra looked over her shoulder, feeling a soft breeze and hearing what she could swear was the sound of the flutter of wings.

What a mystery, what a mystery
What a mystery, Your love for me,
Your love for me

Next: Treasure

The stones here are worn
And the flowers are torn from the very sod
In the light of the morn
I am reborn in the sight of God
And I danced on my own
But I wasn't alone on the hillside
And I sang for the king
I could hear angels sing in the distance

What a mystery, what a mystery
What a mystery, Your love for me,
Your love for me

Vision of Naran
Written and performed
By Iona
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZCoc-aIRe4