O má´r henion i dhu:
Ely siriar, áªl sá­la
Ai! Aná­ron Undá³miel

(From darkness I understand the night:
dreams flow, a star shines
Ah! I desire Evenstar)

Previously…
 
Dar thought about the irony; a faith finally exercised in faith; believing the best for their other child long after it was possible to be a part of their other child’s life. It was her turn to weep bitterly; the sudden sobbing startled Marge enough to shake her. The forgiveness and the search for forgiveness both came too late to realize in this lifetime and it was too much for Dar to bear.

And while Dar finally was coming to grips with how bitter she had become, the residual effects of her decisions remained; she was unable to grab onto the love her sister had tried to bestow because in the years in between their last words, she had come to a place of self-loathing and disappointment. What would heal her? One might say that only time would tell, but time was about to accelerate, and healing was on the way.
 

Tiro! El eria e má´r
I 'lir en áªl luitha 'uren
Ai! Aná­ron...

(Look! A star rises out of the darkness
The song of the star enchants my heart
Ah! I desire...)

“Can you forgive me, Dardie? Please?” Marge lowered her head slightly. She was strong enough to keep from crying; not because crying was weak, but she wanted to keep from moving Dar into a choice fueled by guilt, and that took a supreme effort from someone who could ill afford to expend so much energy.

“I… I don’t know what to say,” she sighed, which said much more that she had intended. Her face was etched with tenacious but fading grief over so much loss between them…and another.

“Whatever you decide, Dardie. I understand.” Any one else uttering those words would have seemed manipulative, but the conviction came through; she wanted the best for Dardie, and that could only be what Dardie decided was best for herself. She had spent almost a lifetime already either bending to the will of others or fighting them in wasteful anger. It wasn’t fair for her to have the need to take the high road; she certainly earned the respect of her family even if they never offered it. But she chose, instead, to take the low road; a parallel path the led her along side her sister and her parents in bitterness.

“I…I know I should be angry with you!” God knows she had every right she thought, and she would have been mostly right. But the need for her own forgiveness and the need for connection with the woman who was her mirror image; the same yet entirely different. The two were asymmetrical opposites, but still tied together inexorably by more than just genetic similarities, but by love. Dar desperately wanted to hold onto unforgiveness, but she had to let go in order to receive.

“I…” Her voice broke and she began to weep. Marge held her arms open wide; barely able to keep them up. The urgency of the moment wasn’t lost on either of them as Dar hurried to hold Marge and receive her frail but determined embrace. The two wept as one.

O má´r henion i dhu:
Ely siriar, áªl sá­la
Ai! Aná­ron Undá³miel

(From darkness I understand the night:
dreams flow, a star shines
Ah! I desire Evenstar)

A few days later at Dave and Marge's home...

“Margie? Honey? Dave walked in and laid his laptop on the kitchen counter.

“In here.” Marge called out and Dave strode quickly into the living room, finding Marge sitting with Dar on the couch. The two were drinking tea as if they had been old friends. Dave smiled and nodded.

“Hello; company? Well it’s nice to see you outside of the restaurant.” He stepped closer and kissed Marge on the top of the head. An odd grin crossed his wife’s face before she smiled and spoke.

“Dar was telling me that she’s just last week completed her nursing degree. I was thinking. Maybe she could get a job with the agency.” Dar looked with embarrassment at her sister, hoping Dave wouldn’t notice the growing red glow on her face. She shook her head ‘no,’ but Marge continued.

“We…it would be nice to have someone here that I’m already familiar with. Dar has been very warm and kind to me, and I just know she’d do a great job. Dave shook his head; it was an excellent idea which he hated to face. She noted his uncomfortable expression by forging ahead with a plan she was making on the fly; an idea in the back of her head and the depths of her heart.

“Dave…Honey. We’ve had this talk before. If things get better, all well and good, but we have to face facts.” She appealed to his problem-solving side even though she wanted to embrace him and never, ever say goodbye.

“But…it…”

“I need someone and the agency is needing good help; what better way to keep things….” Her words ended abruptly as she caught herself from saying ‘in the family.’

“Cozy?” Her face took on a Cheshire-cat-like aura as she sidled on the couch next to Dar. She put her arm around her and looked up at Dave as if to say ‘please.’ While she wasn’t about to manipulate Dar into anything at that point she wasn’t above nudging her husband a bit in the direction she felt was direly necessary for everyone.

“I…I’ll talk to Nina tomorrow.” He shook his head; he agreed entirely with Marge that it was a good idea because it was something she wanted for herself; perhaps the last significant request she would make.

Tiriel arad 'ala má´r
minnon i dhá»-sad oltha
Ai! Aná­ron Edhelharn.

(Having watched the day grow dark
I go into the night - a place to dream
Ah! I desire Elfstone.)

A few weeks later...

“Shhhh…She’s resting, okay?” Dar put her hand on Dave’s arm, and pulled it back quickly. Old feelings had been rising with great effort to the surface as they fought their way through guilt and shame and confusion. How many others had walked her path? Was she the only caregiver who was falling in love with the spouse of a patient? Had she made the same mistake as so many others to fail to guard her own feelings as she poured herself out to her sister?

“Okay. I brought some dinner home; I know things have been rough with all the responsibility today since Jane was unable to come.” He pointed to a fair sized brown bag on the kitchen table; probably a fairly bland meal for Marge if she could tolerate it. Dave likely picked up something Hunan or Szechuan for himself.

“You’re welcome to stay.” She went to shake her head. He shook his head instead.

“No…. you’ve been here all day, and Carla's here now; she can handle the work while we eat.” His face grew hot and a look of shame appeared.

“Don’t, Dave. I know what you meant. She turned and looked down the hall to the bedroom, sighing deeply.

“You’ve been terrific; I’m so sorry. She’s not a job… You treat her like she was your own. She gets so much out of you being here, and I’m looking at her like a burden.” She stepped back as his eyes teared up. Long slumbering aches seemed to insert themselves in between them, and she was afraid to show any sympathy lest she get too familiar.

“That’s not true, and you know it. You’ve been trying to prepare yourself for something no one can accept with ease. She’s your wife, Dave; you’ve loved her since you were kids.” Dar’s eyes widened as she realized how foolishly transparent her words had been… She quickly backtracked.

“Oh…Marge and I had such a talk today….she told me all about you and her and how you got together.” She covered her tracks carefully and looked back down the hall; the movement of her head drew his attention there only briefly.

“Did she tell you how I betrayed my best friend? Did she tell you how I… I turned my back on her brother in his greatest time of need?” He bit his tongue and looked away; tears began to fall from his face as the shame and truly earned feelings of guilt seemed to overwhelm him. Again she resisted the urge to comfort him even as she noted the pain in her heart over the hearing of his words; his confession. As much as she wanted to be careful, she also cared a great deal for her best friend. She smiled.

“From what Marge tells me? I bet if Darren heard what you just said, he’d probably forgive you.” She shrugged almost imperceptively, hoping he didn’t catch her misstep.

“Really?” Dave couldn’t conceive of a world that banished bitterness and ignorance; he recalled his last words with Darren.

“You hurt your family! I hate you for that!” The two stood almost toe to toe. Dave’s posture was one of a prizefighter sizing up an opponent. Darren shook his head.

“I’m over you, Darren. Get out!” Once again, another invitation to leave that sealed the fate of an entire family as the love they had fell away to be sadly replaced by ignorance and foolish anger.

A few days later...

“You have to take care of him. He’s got no one, and he needs caring for.” It was so touching to hear someone facing the ultimate challenge looking out for someone else, but that’s what Margie had been all about, save for a protracted time-out from compassion. Restored to its proper place, her heart for others was beating strongly even as it waned.

“I…I just can’t.” Dar argued. Marge patted her on the face playfully.

“Of course you can. It’s what I want, and since I’m the one dying here, you just HAVE to!” Her voice mimicked a time and place of innocence and wonder when the two were little. She smiled a conspiratorial smile once again. Dar shrugged her shoulders and nodded reluctantly. Easy enough to agree and then keep an eye on Dave from a safe distance once…. The finality of the thought pushed itself rudely into their playful moment and she began to sob.

“Shhh….shhhh. It’s okay….. I’m okay, honey.” She wasn’t okay, but she would be.

“Now I want you to promise me that you’ll look after him….Promise!” Dar wiped the tears from her face with a washcloth lying on the bedside table before nodding.

The following morning...

Carla greeted Dar with a hug and a shake of the head. It was almost time. Dave was in the kitchen pouring a cup of coffee. He held up the cup as an invitation, but Dar shook her head no… She walked quickly to the Marge’s bed, which had been moved out into the living room.

“Hey…” Marge gasped weakly but her smile seemed to light up a very dimly lit face. She raised her head and Dar cradled her. A kiss on the lips; hopefully one of several more of greeting, but both knew it might be the last sharing between the two this side of heaven. Dar had promised herself she was going to be strong for Dave’s sake as well as for Marge. The subterfuge crafted by her sister had worn defenses down as she labored greatly to keep a secret she desperately wanted to share. She was more than a nurse of course, but still one of the caregivers of the woman she held. She choked back a sob as she noted how transluscent Marge’s arms had become; the darker lines of veins and arteries traveling down to her wrist like clearly displayed roads on a map.

“Shhh….You’ll wake the baby!” A little kidding between the two of them; it was a joke that was left over from the past from whenever things got too loud in the house when they were little. Dar bit the inside of her bottom lip; a nervous habit that had produced a distended bit of flesh akin to an old piece of gum. She bit harder than normal as she began to cry. Marge reached over to the table and grabbed the remote, turning the volume up on the TV to nearly deafening. Dar stood up and grabbed her sister’s hand and stroked it softly while kissing her on the forehead. Carla didn’t have anything to hide, and wept unashamedly as Dar beckoned for her to join them. A moment later they stepped back as Dave leaned over the bed, kissing Marge’s cheek.

“Hey, big boy….you got any more at home like you?” She laughed and coughed at the same time, which led to a rough coughing jag. The pain of coughing was etched across her face. Dave took a cold wash cloth and patted her forehead gently. She motioned for Dave to draw closer; her hand touching his gently.

“I love you.” Simple but as true as true can be; she smiled once again and raised up slightly and kissed his cheek. His tears dripped onto her face; a blessing that would be remembered forever. She smiled once again and spoke.

“I think I need to sleep, babe, okay?” He nodded and kissed her on the lips. A moment later he stood back up, and Dar noticed the look on his face. Carla stepped forward and put her stethoscope in place and nodded her head slightly with a half-smile even as the tears fell off her chin. Dave turned to Dar and shook his head as if to plead somehow that Dar could perform a miracle. Her silence and her own tears proved too much and he leaned closer and began to sob in her arms.

A darkened near-twilight; made darker by rain and clouds...

“I can’t begin to thank you enough for your help.” Dave said to Carla and to Inez, one of Marge’s home health aids. A few brief tearful hugs and promises to keep in touch before parting; the two women walked away from the grave site to their cars. A few moments later, Dar was left alone with her thoughts as Dave had stepped over to the driveway to say something to his pastor. Dar looked down at the casket sitting on the bier.

“I was going to walk away, you know? It’s really what I do best.” She winced as the presence of a cold breeze seemed to rebuke her guilt. She shook a bit and put her hand to her face.

“I’ll keep an eye on him, but that’s as far as it goes, Margie. You know…a guardian angel, sort of? I couldn’t bear to be any closer than that.” One of those moments where you fail to notice how quiet things have become, she stared at the empty chairs by the grave. No one remained, and of course their parents absent as well. As angry and as determined to live her life alone in freedom, for the first time she felt utterly abandoned; a girl who had her way while losing it, only to gain and lose it again.

Alae! Ir áªl od elá­n!
I 'lir uin el luitha guren.
Ai! Aná­ron Undá³miel.

The flame of the fire of the heart
shines, rises, endures.
Ah! I desire Elfstone)

“I….can’t, Margie. But I want to, you know? He… I never stopped loving him, even when he rejected me. But I can’t…. To be a caretaker instead of the…”

“Instead of what, Dar?” Dave’s voice seemed to boom in the mostly silent moment, save for the rustle of leaves across the field.

“Nothing…” I was just talking you your wife.” She shrugged her shoulders as if to shrug off her promise to Marge, but her sister had left her with little choice. It’s too hard to say no to something good for you if it’s what you want, no matter how sad or scared you might be. Dave stepped close and spoke softly.

“You were saying…’a caretaker instead of…’ Of what, Dar? A wife?” She shuddered as the word seemed to pierce the cold shell her coat had become; going deep into her soul.

“I know, Dar...I know! I think I knew from the start, but I didn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. But Margie was never good at keeping secrets, as you probably remember.” He laughed softly; of course Dar would know.

“But…” She went to protest, but he raised his hand to quiet her argument.

“I know this has to be very difficult for you. Hell, it’s crazy to me as well. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that the woman my wife picked to keep track of me used to be my best friend; my brother-in-law.” She winced at the former title; as loathsome as if he had called her a whore or a something worse. He noted her embarrassed shame and shook his head, but smiling; the gesture saying, ‘you’re wrong…it’s okay.’

“I can’t promise anything at this point except that I’m determined to see this thru.”

“I’m just a promise to be kept?” She began to sob. He pulled her closer as if to protect her from her own shame as well as the stiff cold breeze that had stirred. There might be exchanges of affection, but it wasn’t time for that. Time instead of reassurance and acceptance and true, not-expecting-anything-but-giving-everything kind of love. He spoke gently.

“No….I’m determined to see this through for you and me. I love Margie and I can’t see that will ever change. But I also know that my love for you never went away….oh you know what I mean. You never stopped being my best friend even though I treated you horribly. I don’t understand this at all. I just know it’s not only what Margie wanted, but what I want. What I need?” It seemed as if he was trying to convince himself as much as Dar until he finished.

“I believe ….I trust that things happen for a reason. We found you because we were supposed to find you. I don’t think I could have done what I needed to do for Margie if it weren’t for you. But I also know that something has been working in me since….since you came to help. It’s like Margie knew it wasn’t just a good idea for us to be together, but a blessing.”

“I…I’ve always loved you….even before….Oh god…” She began to weep; her hand covered her face even as she went to pull away from the safety of his side.

“It’s not that way, Dar…” He paused and laughed. She looked at him and closed her eyes, shaking her head once again.

“Margie told me that ….you know…when boys become….shit…sorry…when boys who are girls….they often just take their name and ….” He laughed again and she lifted her head up; her look was more than a little upset. It was a nearly welcome if awkward moment of annoyance that seemed to help dissipate the grief.

“Dar…Darren??? Come on.” He laughed and she folded her arms and glared.

“It’s not like I thought I’d run into you and Margie here. There was no need to change my mind about my name since I never expected to see either of you again. And then you came into the restaurant, which was bad enough. When Margie talked to me…. I wish I could turn back time.”

“I wish I could, too….to unsay all the cruel things I said to you! To at least try to understand. But we can’t go back…only forward. I think that’s what Margie was trying to say… that only time knows…”

“So where does that leave us?” She turned away slightly and stared once again at the casket.

“I don’t know where that leaves us, but…”

“I know it leaves ….US.” He smiled and she smiled weakly; almost willing and yet afraid to look past the moment to see what the future held. She looked upward, as if to track her vision from the casket to the dark clouds above. A low, sharp, thin ray of sunshine broke through the dark haze on the horizon and fell upon the slate pavers that led up to the grave site, as if to light their way. She smiled upwards and nodded while a tearful grin grew on her face. She stepped closer and grabbed Dave’s hand and pointed to the illuminated walkway; noting the obvious sign from heaven before saying at last as she took a few steps with his hand in hers. Kisses would come in time; they always seem to arrive at the right time. But for now, she merely stopped and looked back at the casket one last time before smiling; her voice was only a bit tentative and her hand shook only a little before she spoke.

“To us!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7MLT4MmAK8

May it be an evening star shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh how far you are from home

Mornie utulie
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie utulie
A promise lives within you now
A promise lives within you now

Aná­ron
words and music by
Roma Ryan and
Eithne Ná­ Bhraoná¡in
Performed by
Eithne Ná­ Bhraoná¡in
(Enya)

May It Be
words and music by
Nicholas Ryan, Roma Ryan
and Eithne Ná­ Bhraoná¡in
Performed by
Eithne Ná­ Bhraoná¡in
(Enya)