Phobia

Ever been scared of something?

Not just a little scared, but turn-white-and-faint, heart-caught-in-your-chest and soil-your-pants scared?

I had something I was that scared of as a kid. Something that made The Monster In The Closet or The Thing Under The Bed minor inconveniences in comparison.

It was a girl.

It was THE GIRL.

Not that SHE looked scary, or creepy, but just the fact SHE existed at all.

Because SHE was inside my head, always after me to let HER out.

No matter what I did, no matter how many times I prayed and cried for HER to leave me alone, she never did.

SHE would trip me up in the morning, giving me the impression of what SHE would be wearing.

SHE would make me almost go into the girls bathroom at school.

SHE would whisper comments in my ear about what the women’s outfits I saw on TV or in magazines.

And as I would try to sleep, SHE would be there, and I would curl up and shake in fear of HER.

As I got older, I would try and placate HER by cross-dressing occasionally, but it wasnt what SHE wanted.

SHE wanted it all. SHE wanted to live.

Then, one day, the most remarkable thing happened.

I wasn’t scared of HER anymore.

I approached her, we merged, and became one.

Now there isnt a me and HER, there is only me.

The real me.

And bit by bit, I’m undoing the damage I did to myself keeping HER at bay.

And one day, I’ll be whole.

Because I’ll be HER.

At long last.