Night Entries; Chapter 4

Here is the last chapter of "Night Entries". It doesn't have the tough stuff of the earlier ones, and it ends on a hopeful note. Thanks to all those who read and commented.

Well, we’re home, sort of. Trouble is, our house has been rented out, so we cant actually live there. For now we are in a motel, doesn’t that sound like fun? I have to spend like a hour on the bus to get to school, but oh well.

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Can we get any further from my school? We left the motels and now are in a place literally on the other side of town! I’m on the bus for almost two hours every day!

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Finally, in our own place again. It looks like my mom and my step-dad are making up. I honestly don’t understand how she can forgive him so easily. Meanwhile, I had a chance to meet John’s friend Alex, and he seems like a good guy. He’s got this Saturday night session of a game called Dungeons and Dragons, it sounds like it could be a lot of fun.

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I found out Alex cross-dresses. Its weird, apparently he goes out in public and everything. He even showed me pictures of him in a dress at an event downtown. He gave me some magazines that deal with guys who dress up as girls, and its interesting stuff. Somehow, I don’t think I’m the same as the guys in the mags, though. It sounds like for them, dressing up is just for fun, or for sex. Me, I dont care about sex, and it doesnt feel like just fun. But at least now I know there is some support out there.

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I had the best weekend ever, diary! My mom and my step-dad went away, so I was alone. Also, my neighbor left me the keys to her place so I could feed her cat for her while she’s on vacation, so I had the run of both my house and hers. So I spent the weekend in a dress, and felt so much better for it.

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I’ve found some people to hang out with, and I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it feels good to not be totally alone all the time, but on the other, I feel sure that they would reject me if they knew about the girl stuff. Ah, well.

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I wish I could have a girlfriend, Diary, but what girl would want a guy who feels more like a girl than a guy? Love is a luxury only “normal” people can afford.

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I need a girl name. All the mags talk about having a girl name, even Alex uses “Brenda” when he’s dressed up. My mom once told me that if I had been born a girl, my name would be Dorothy, so maybe I should go with that.

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Diary, which me is real? the male me, the one I show to everyone? or Dorothy, the girl who is stuck inside and unable to get out? And if Dorothy is the real me, what do I do about that?

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Last night, I read about this woman, named Christine Jorgensen, who was actually born a guy and had surgery to change into a girl. I had no idea such a thing was possible! Am I like her, Diary? I don’t feel like the guys in the cross-dressing mags, that’s for sure.

*****

Can you believe it? I’m a senior now. Boy, the time has flown by here. Soon, I’ll be graduating, and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. And How Dorothy fits in with that.

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Well, well, well. Hello Diary. Its been a long time. I thought I had lost you many years ago. Its kinda funny to read the entries now, and think how mixed up I was back then. I wish I could talk to my younger self, tell her its going to be okay, that although the road ahead will be difficult, she will one day be me, living and working as Dorothy, with friends and family who support her. To think, I could have missed all this if I had killed myself all those years ago. I guess that goes to show you never know what the future holds. But I have more hope for it than I have had before, and that’s good enough for me today. Thanks, Diary, for being there with me. Good night for now.