Night Entries, Chapter 1

Author's note. This is based on my actual experiences. It contains frank discussions of sexual abuse and an attempted suicide. Please take care reading.

Dear Diary;

This is my first entry in any diary, ever. So I really hope I’m doing this right. When I saw you, diary, sitting in a discount bin, and I realized I had just enough money in my pocket to get you, it was like Fate, or something.

I guess the first thing I should do is introduce myself, but that’s kinda complicated. I mean, my parents named me Edward Williams, but I have never felt …. right with my name. Or with any other part of my life, especially with being a boy, for that matter.

I guess I’m all mixed up, diary, so that’s why its a good thing I got you to talk to. So what can I tell you? Well, I’m thirteen years old, I live in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and I got a mom, and a step-dad and a brother named John.

I’ve had a lot happen to me in thirteen years, diary but I don’t think I’m going to have a chance to tell you about it tonight, as my mom will be coming up to check on me soon if she sees my light on. I’ve got a hiding spot picked out, in a drawer in my dresser that I mostly use for photographs, so she wont be likely to stumble across you by accident. I would prefer she didn’t see I have a diary at all, much less one that is bright pink, if I have a choice in the matter.

*******

Dear Diary;

What else can I tell you about me? I’m kinda hoping if I tell you, it will make some sense, because right now, I’m pretty confused by things. Like with what happened to my dad. He died when I was just five years old, and I don’t have anything that reminds me of him. We have no pictures, nothing of his. And nobody talks about him, ever. The worst part is he didn’t have to be dead. He committed suicide, Diary, and I don’t know why. Sometimes, I wonder if he had been here, would I still hate being a boy so much?

*******

My brother is gone for a week, and I miss him. I guess I should say something about him, he’s a big part of my life. He’s about as good a big brother as I could have, and I almost lost him once. See some bad stuff went down, and he went to a crazy house for kids. I’ve had nightmares of that place, which is why NO ONE can ever know I don’t feel like a boy. I couldn’t survive a place like that. I have to pretend I’m normal, no matter what it takes. What bad stuff, you may ask?

Well, I’m not up to talking about that right now, okay?

Anyway, he’s gone to a Christian camp for the week , and I’m going to the same one a week after he gets back. I’m surprised my mom signed us up for one, she’s never had a good thing to say about Christianity or God or anything, and my step-dad, Carl is about as atheistic as you can imagine. Oh well, its a week away from here, which may be her point in doing this.

*****

I don’t sleep well. A lot of the time, I don’t sleep at all. A lot of the time, its nightmares, and I wake up shouting and shaking, and end up with the light on for the rest of the night. But when its not nightmares, its about HER. I cant seem to stop wanting to be her, no matter what I try. I’ll see one of my girl classmates and the envy I feel is like this horrible ache I can’t seem to stop. Funny thing is, I don’t feel gay, you know? I like like girls, but there is also this wish, this need to be one that really messes me up. I must be nuts, and like I said, I don’t want to be put away, so I have to somehow hide this and hope nobody can tell how crazy I actually am.

******

John’s back! And the camp must have been fun, he seems happier than I remember him. As soon as he got back, he started talking about Christ and God and reading the Bible. I don’t know about religion, but its really good to see him smile. Seems like instead of locking him up they should have sent him to a place like that instead.

I guess I’m as ready as I’m going to be to talk about why he got sent away. He got raped, diary, if you can believe it. It messed him up big time, let me tell you. And from what he’s told me, it sounds like the bad stuff only got worse when he was on the inside. So I’m super happy to see him with a smile on his face again. We got the week together, and then its my turn to go, so I’m going to pump him for every detail he’ll give me about the camp. Maybe I’ll have to look into Christianity too, if it makes this big an impact on him.

****

I’ve been thinking hard about what happened to John. The thing is, when he told me, why did it sound … familiar? Like something like it happened to me? Is that why I have so many nightmares? I got holes in my memory you could drive a truck through, thanks to the meds they put me on after dad died, but you’d think I’d remember something like that. But just thinking about it has got me shaking, and I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight.

I have no idea how I’m going to deal with having bunk mates at the camp. I’m scared enough of slipping up during the day with the gender stuff, I wish the nightmares would give me a break.

******

I was raped. I’m almost one hundred percent sure of it. I had a bad nightmare last night, and for the first time, I remembered some of it when I woke up. Worse, the nightmare seemed to indicate my gender stuff played a part in it. So it was my fault. Well, maybe being at the camp will help.

*****

Dear Diary;

Well, this will be my last entry until I get back from the camp. I wish I could take you with me, diary, its helped me so much to have a place where I can be totally honest. With most real people, I just try and fade into the background as much as possible. I can’t tell anybody what’s going on in my head, or they’ll take me away, (Like the song, but much less happy.)

Here’s hoping I can keep up my act at the camp, last thing I need is a bunch of Christian kids finding out I’m anything but a normal boy. I can’t say I know much about Christians, but I somehow doubt they would find it cool that I want to be a girl so bad it hurts. So
I better make sure my Edward mask is on tight, and try and stay out of every one's sight as much as possible. Somehow, that doesnt sound like a relaxing week, but nothing I can do about that.

*****

I’m back, and I’m a changed person, I think. I took the plunge, and became a Christian. The clincher for me was when one of the councilors told me I could become an outcast if I become a Christian, and I laughed at her. I told her I already was one, so what did I have to lose? Afterward, I was a little upset with myself for letting my guard down, but maybe now it won’t matter.

They told me to pray, and that God can do anything, so maybe God will take away this desire to be a girl. They gave me a Bible to read so I could learn about God and Christ and all that, and invited me to come to the church that runs the camp. Its a little far away, so I don’t know how often I can go, but you never know.

*****

My step-father burned my Bible! I can’t believe he would do something like that. The man is utterly deranged. I better get myself under control before I write something really horrible. I’m more disappointed in my mom. Why does she stand there while he’s doing this kind of stuff? When I was little, I thought my mom was so beautiful, and the girl part of me wanted to grow up to be just like her. I guess every kid discovers their parents have feet of clay. Ah, well.

*****

The Bible is fascinating. I didn’t know how you were supposed to read it, so I just started at the beginning and read to the end. Its funny, the little bible I got says some of the individual books were written hundreds, even thousands of years apart, and yet it reads like its one story, or at least it does to me.

My version is written in “today’s English”, whatever that means, and has little stick-figure drawings in some of the margins illustrating some of the verses. It also has a series of maps so I could get an idea where all these stories take place. Its kinda interesting, this little patch of land has been fought over and conquered by just about every empire in history. Egypt, Assyria, Babylon, the Greeks, the Romans, you name it.

But its not all good news, at least for me. There is stuff about not wearing girl clothes, and I don’t know what to make of that. I guess I need to really pray to get rid of this desire, once and for all.

******

I figured I would write down the prayer I’ve been making. It goes something like this:

Dear God, I’m pretty new to this prayer thing, so I hope I’ve got it right. God I want to be good, and not do anything wrong, but I need help. This craving to be a girl is driving me nuts. I cant sleep, I can hardly stand to be around pretty girls cause I get so jealous. You raised Jesus from the dead, so I know you can take this need away from me. Amen.

*****

Its not working. Why isnt the prayer working? What am I doing wrong? Maybe I’m not a Christian at all. Maybe I have to start from the beginning, and accept him into my heart again. I don’t know what else to do. I fall asleep in class cause I dont get any rest at nights.

****

I started over again. I accepted Christ into my heart, again. Maybe now God will take this craving away. See, the thing is, even if I don’t act on it, its still a sin to even think about it. I’m basing that on Jesus talking about lusting after a woman being the same as adultery. And since I’m pretty much always thinking about it, well … I hope it works this time.

*****

I cant do this anymore. I’m going to Hell, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I’ve prayed, I cried, I begged, and God wont take this desire from me. I’ve already lost track of how many times I’ve started over, and I feel further away from God than ever.
I’ve even asked Him to kill me, and He remains silent.

Worse, some girl at school is spreading a rumor that I danced with another boy at the last school dance. I deserve it, because I insulted her, because I was frustrated with being at the dance at all, since I lacked the courage to ask any girls to dance. I blamed her, and it wasn’t fair of me. Things are just totally messed up.

*******

I got hurt today. I dislocated my knee, and it still hurts. My mom took me to a doctor, and he gave me a muscle relaxant, saying it will ease the spasms. The rumor is still going around the school, which makes no sense. People would have seen me so why would they believe this story? But its not dying off yet. All this extra stress is taking its toll on me. The nightmares are getting worse, and the gender stuff is beyond painful. What do I do, diary?

*****

I’m ready to end my life. I’m going to take enough of my muscle relaxant pills to stop my heart, and put myself out of my misery. Maybe, since God hates me anyway, he’ll let me go. Goodbye, diary.

*****

Obviously not the end, folks. Please remember to comment