Quick note: this is not a Ret-Con story. It is inspired by some comics I read as a kid, but I hope it is a little different from anything else out there.

The Lucky One (part 1)

Well, hay there, hi there ho there! Or, as my dear friend Stan Lee likes to say “Face front, true believers!” (I better be careful about saying that. Don’t need to annoy The Stanster, much less his horde of marvellous Marvel Zombie lawyers… )

This is the one, the only, the Fantastic Fluke, The Luckiest Person Alive coming atcha from the wonderful world of the World Wide Web! Welcome to the first ever blog from your pal, me! I know, I know, you can’t believe your luck. But calm down out there, you will strain something.

You know, there are a lot of crazy stuff out there about us “superiors, (I actually hate that name, blech) and especially about Yours Truly (you would not believe what was on my Wikipedia page until I fixed it) So I decided I would do my part, and help straighten some stuff out. Plus, I can make all of your lives a little better by sharing my wonderful self with all of you! Yes, I can feel you squirting with excitement (and some bodily fluids some of you, you naughty people you)

Now, I know you people have come to expect me to be the bestest at everything (and I would normally agree with you , except I am far too modest to say so), so it will come as a shock to you, but even I have some things I am not the best at. Now, now, pick yourself off the floor, I know it was surprising.

Because of this, I asked a professional writer to assist me in making this blog happen. You may have heard of her, since she helped my fellow “superior” E-girl tell her story. Say “Hi” to Dorothy Colleen, everybody.
“Hi. Thanks for letting me write this, er, Fluke. First, I would like to explain how I came to be here. See, there are an infinite number of parallel … “ Ok, ok, stop hogging the spotlight Dot. This is my story.

How should I start? Well, among the most common comments I get when I appear in public, after “Can I have your autograph?” and “You wanna sleep with me?” (both boys and girls say that one, believe it or not), is “Hay, Fluke, how did you become the Example of Awesomeness, the Idol of Millions, the all around Top Dog that you are today?”

(Well, I am paraphrasing )

So, without further ado, let me give to you, my fans, for the first time anywhere, the (formally) secret origin of me! And how does it all start? With a unsuspecting shmuck named Eddie James, and a one in a trillion event that changed everything.

A bolt from the blue…

Eddie was no prize, I would have to admit. Nearing thirty years old, he had accomplished pretty much squat in his life. No girlfriend, heck, no friends of any sort to speak of, a series of dead-end grunt jobs for minimum wage to keep the wolves from the door, and not much chance that things would ever change.

Then, one day, he was taking a walk to the corner store, and got hit by what a witness described as “blue lightning”. To this day, authorities are still confused about what it was. (I know, but they don’t listen to me all the time, as hard as that is to believe, since I am clearly the expert ).

Kids, let me tell you this before I continue, DON’T TRY THAT AT HOME.

Last thing I want to be responsible for is a bunch of crazies wondering around with lightning rods and hanging off rooftops hoping to get hit.
The one thing even the experts are sure of, is what happened to Eddie is about as unlikely to happen again as anything they know of.

So there was Eddie, zapped by a bolt from the blue, as the saying goes. I wish I could say he bounced up and flew up to give a bunch of fives to whoever sent it, but sadly, he did not. Instead, he lay in a smoking pile and moaned.

Now, things could have been dicey at that moment, but Eddie had a bit of luck, his first break. The witness called 911, and soon, an ambulance arrived on the scene. Not that they thought they could do much. From the expression on their faces, they looked like there were not sure if they should use a gurney or a dustpan to take Eddie in.

Well, they got poor Eddie to the hospital, and one look at him made the docs try and shift through the frazzled remains of his clothes for an ID, and maybe compose a letter to next of kin, when Eddie moaned some more.

What happened next has been played on Youtube over and over again, thanks to the hospital’s security cameras. If George Lucas or Steven Spielberg had done that video, they couldn’t have done anything as spooky.

Basically, his whole body started to heal at a unbelievable rate. And if that wasn’t odd enough, it also began to change. Most of his hair (and a good part of his skin too) had been burned off, and most of the hair never came back. The part that did was the stuff on the top of his head, and it came back with a vengeance, becoming long and full of body within minutes

His face softened, becoming more oval, which was pretty painful. Then the changes started moving south. As his chest healed, small mounds formed, and blossomed into bosoms (and don’t you just love that turn of phrase?). That was surprisingly painful. Then, things really got interesting his bottom half was covered by a sheet, so the cameras missed it, but his privates did a retreat, and soon his outtie was an innie, which was very very painful.

Then the worst pain hit as his hips broke again and again to accommodate his new equipment. Specifically, his body was building a womb, although it didn’t have all that good a view (get it? A womb with a view?, Oh, never mind….)

So, in the space of about an hour, Eddie had gone from a male crispy critter to a healthy, (and hot) woman. I bet you have guessed by now, that woman is me. A few moments later, when I woke up, I discovered my changes pretty fast, and shook, screamed, and then started crying like the girl I now was for about one minute.

Then, I decided I needed to get the heck out of there. So I wrapped my sheet around my downright hot body and went hunting for some help. I approached the nurse’s desk, and said to the cute girl there, “Excuse me. If I were to ask why I am now a foxy babe, am I likely to like the answer?”

“I am sorry sir, ma’m. The blunt fact is we don’t have a clue what happened. We think you must be one of those ‘Superiors’.”

“Yeh? Like that hot chick E-Girl?” I guess it could be worse.”

“You seem to be taking this awfully calmly. Most men would be a bit more freaked about being turned into a woman.”

“Kid, I was a nobody. Now, apparently I am so good looking I make myself pant, and have super powers besides. I will miss havin’ my naughty bits, but it wasn’t like I was getting any action anyway. “

“O… kay then. Let me call the doctor, get you checked out, and maybe see what we can get you to wear besides a sheet.”

“Fine. Almost a shame to cover this body up though. Hay, I wonder if I can fly?”

“Well, I wouldn’t recommend jumping off the roof to find out.”

“You might have a point. I will be a good girl and go back to my bed until the doc comes. Stay sexy, babe”

When the doctor came, he gave me a quick physical (and when he put some equipment up my new hole, it created some mixed feelings. First, the little metal dealie was COLD! I swear they must store them in a freezer. But, on the other hand, when it brushed against a spot inside me, it felt darn good, and put a exploration session on my “things to do list”

Now, I had a small problem. My “Eddie” ID had burned up, and even if it had not, I sure didn’t look like my driver’s photo.

Things might have gone south in a hurry if they hadn’t actually witnessed some of my transformation. So I was spared a visit to the rubber room when I told them who I was. But I had another small problem. My former clothes, my wallet and the little bit of money in it were now charcoal briquettes.

And that’s when things got totally strange, as if healing and turning into a girl wasn’t strange enough. As soon as I concentrated on the idea of getting dressed, there was a small ‘pop’ sound, and an outfit appeared in midair, and dropped on the bed I was laying on.

They were built for my new gender, and I shrugged. I needed to wear something, and they would do. And the idea of making boys drool had a certain appeal to it…

Once I was dressed, I wanted to check out of that hotel, and got into a battle of wills with the doc over it. While they conceded that I seemed to be in perfect health, especially considering the condition I came in, but they were a little worried about how what happened would affect me mentally.

Finally, I convinced them that I was as ok as was possible under the circumstances, and that I would call on them if I started feeling otherwise, and they let me go.

On my way out the door, it occurred to me that I didn’t have anyway to get home, as my car was at my place. But I heard a rustling sound in my purse (my purse? Oh, it showed up with the outfit.), and sure enough, there was enough money in there to catch a taxi home, plus, a new ID, with my female form on the picture, and a feminine version of my name: Eddi James. (not the greatest name in history. Apparently, Eddi is a version of Edith. The creep who sent it had no imagination, I tell you.)

So I made my way home, and judging from the reaction to my appearance from the taxi driver, I had not overestimated my effect on males, and if anything, I had sold myself short. I thought to myself, “You know, I could get used to this. Being a sexy chick is kinda fun….”

I went into my apartment, and kicked of my heels (Did I forget to mention that the outfit came with heels? My bad). I took a peek at myself in the mirror. I always thought a woman looked better wearing less, but this outfit seemed to defy that logic. Nothing really was showing, but just hints here and there, and yet the effect was electric.

I went to my bedroom, and thought I might as well take my new equipment for a test drive. I was just getting going when the closet in my room came open, and a large, yellow, and round creature came though.

Boys and girls, if you are over a certain age, there is a good chance that you have taken your equipment out for a spin, and there is at least some chance that someone decides to pick that particular moment to drop by, leaving you flustered and red, and not just from the exercise you were just getting. But I happen to think it’s a little worse when it’s a giant tennis ball with eyes, and as I was about to learn, a huge mouth who drops by.

“Yaddie!” it said, and opened its mouth wide. So wide it seemed to extend past the limits of its “face”.

I quickly re-arranged my sheet and tried to regulate my breathing, so I could try and figure out what this thing was.

“Yaddie!” it said again.

“Hi”

“Yaddie!”

“And you are…”

“Yaddie!”

“Fine. You are Yaddie. You say anything else?”

“Yaddie!”

“Obviously not. Listen, I was a little busy. Do you think you could come back in an hour?” Then I remembered just how sensitive to touch some parts of my new body were, and added “Or possibly three?”

“Yaddie!”

Then it bobbed and wafted over to my bed. Did I mention it was floating in mid-air? It was floating in mid-air. It took the edge of the sheet in its mouth (an act that made me instinctively curl up my legs so it wouldn’t catch my toes) and then it pulled it off the bed. It then quickly floated to the other side of the bed, and nudged me gently. I almost fell off the bed.

“You want me up?”

It got ready to give me another gentle nudge, and I decided I didn’t need to be pushed through the wall of my bedroom, and got up. It zoomed over to the side of the bed I was standing by, and grabbed my clothes, and managed to fling them at me. (which isn’t easy to do without hands).

Rather than risk it “helping” me get dressed, I put on the outfit and slipped on my heels. It drifted back towards the closet, and then looked back at me.

“You want me to follow you?”

“Yaddie!”

I considered my options, and figured I really didn’t want to find out it’s definition of a gentle tug on my arm, so I followed.

My closet now had a hole in it. Not a hole that led to the next room, but a hole that led to what looked like a road, if a road could float in the middle of the Milky Way.

I don’t mean the chocolate bar, I mean the galaxy, but that wasn’t exactly it either. It wasn’t dark with little lights, it was like a multi-coloured cloud with flashes of lighting, bright lights hanging in the sky, and this glowing path that started at the edge of my closet and wound it’s way up, down, and all around that odd environment.

“You sure I have to go down this road?”

“Yaddie!”

“Well, you are just a load of helpful advice, you know that?”

“Yaddie!”

“Ok, fine. If I have to go, I might as well get started. But,” looking how far the road seemed to go “I think I am going to wish I was wearing flats.”

Yaddie floated ahead of me, and looked back, waiting for me to catch up.

We made our way down the road, and soon I realized that the road seemed to have its own gravity, after we flipped upside down and were able to keep walking. I resolved to not look down (or was it up?) I also saw a great number of side paths branching out on either side of the road, but we stayed on the main path.

We were not totally alone. I could see, hear, or feel shadowy creatures. Some were some distance away, and some were much closer, but none came too close to the road. Some ignored us, some paused whatever it was they were doing to watch us go by, some scattered as though scared of us, and a few made some threatening gestures, but they seemed too afraid of the road to do more to us.

For someone who hadn’t worn heels before, I found them comfortable, and the wiggle in my walk natural. I vowed I would find a construction site to walk past when I got home, so I could enjoy the wolf whistles.

That thought gave me pause. I wasn’t even slightly upset about turning into a woman, and seemed to absolutely relish every moment of it. During my little “exploration” I had found I could think about either men or women as my partner, and have it make little difference to me, leading me to concede that I was now thoroughly bisexual, with just a touch more interest in girls than boys.

What that meant to me long term, I had no idea, but I found myself looking forward to finding out. After traveling what seemed like miles, we reached what looked like a major intersection, with a small ball in the middle of it. in the middle of the ball was a tree, and in front of the tree a small figure apparently waited for us to arrive.

Yaddie zoomed up to it and bounced in mid-air like a puppy. (I mean, if a puppy could bounce in mid-air)

“So you finally made it. Took you long enough” it said.

“Oh now, this is just plain silly”

You see, by now, I was ready for a great deal. But a pale green midget in a blue dress with a strong accent was a new one.

She looked like a female version of the character Mel Brooks had played in that space parody, and sounded almost exactly like Bugs Bunny. (Ok. So I like classic movies and TV shows, what of it?)

“I suppose you would like an explanation”

“That would be very nice.”

“Well, for starters, this is the center of the multi-universe. It is from this place that everything that ever was or will be comes from”

“I am going to nod and smile and pretend I understood that”

She sighed. “which part gave you trouble? I thought I was pretty clear”

“What is a multi-universe?”

“Oh, boy. Ask me something easy why don’t you? You live on one planet, in one solar system, in one galaxy, in one universe or one reality, if you like”

“I will take your word for it.”

“Well, have you ever wondered ‘what if?’”

“What if what?”

“What if anything! What if you had taken a different job, or bumped into the love of your life while waiting for a train, or if you had been something other than totally out of it right now?”

“I resemble that remark. I am usually quite smart, I just have had an interesting day, and am having trouble processing.”

“Fine. But do you get the idea? You ever read any alternate history? What if the Roman Empire hadn’t fallen, that type of thing?”

“Sure”

“Well, if you were to take that path,” and she pointed to one of paths that led away from the ball, you could find out”

“Ok. So you said this place is the center?”

“Well, as close as you can come.”

“And why did Yaddie bring me here?”

“Because you are the Chosen One, and you are going to protect it all”

“Pull the other leg, it’s got bells on”

“Fine. I don’t think you are ready for that yet anyway. But I will tell you one more thing. First, you noticed that your clothes and ID appeared when you needed them?”

“How did you know that?”

“It’s my job to know. I sent you what you needed.”

“so if I needed a new TV, you would send it to me?”

“Try and take this seriously.”

“Seriously? I got zapped by some kind of cosmic lightning, burned to a crisp, healed, turned into a girl, had stuff appear out of thin air, had a visit from a yellow critter with too large a mouth and a one word vocabulary, who takes me to see the wizard at the center of the multi-universe who tells me I am a Chosen One, and you expect me to take it seriously?”

“I think we are moving too fast for you. Yaddie here will take you home.”

“Sounds good to me. With any luck, when I wake up tomorrow this will all be a chilli-inspired dream.”

So Yaddie bounced ahead of me, and we went back the way we had come. After I stepped back into my own room the hole closed behind me, with no sign of where it had been.
I looked at my new companion, and said, “Well Yaddie, I guess it’s just you and me.”

“Yaddie!”

“I somehow thought you would say that.”

I grabbed my sheet and crawled back into bed. After a while, the yellow creature bounced on to the bed, and snuggled in beside me like a round dog. I had had worse sleeping partners, and after a bit, I fell asleep. Tomorrow, I thought, all of this will have been a weird dream, and life would be back to normal.

I had no idea how wrong I was…..