---

Previously

"Hey sis... this was a great night, huh? I think it just got better." She kissed Moira on the cheek and handed her the paper before heading off in Dina's direction. Moira opened up the paper and read the note...

Dear Moira, I'd love to get together and play sometime...of course with you and your sisters, but especially you! Love, Mika

She signed Mika with a heart over the 'i' and she included her phone number. Moira stared at the paper until the girls came over.

"Hey big sis, whatcha got there?" Maureen asked. She already knew because Colleen had told her. Moira handed her the paper and looked up.

"So...pretty cool, huh?" Dina asked as Annie nodded. Moira looked back between her sisters and the girlfriends before bursting into tears. Archie had wandered over and had heard the exchange. And he did the bravest but most natural thing a brother could ever do for his new sister. He leaned over and pulled her face closer and kissed her on the cheek awkwardly before saying,

"It's okay...Sis...it's okay."

---

The McKenna House a few weeks later

"Hello?" A pleasant voice greeted Archie as he picked up the phone...

"Yeah?" Archie's phone ettiquette left much to be desired.

"Is this the McKenna home?"

"Yeah!" Another bright riposte.

"May I speak with Moira?"

"Yeah... MOIRA!!!!!" Archie was nice enough to put the phone away from his mouth as he yelled. A moment later Moira came to the phone.

"Hello...this is...Moira," she said tentatively. She realized that in the past three weeks she had said her own name three times; the only three times in her life.

"Hi...This is Mika...you know...from the restaurant...the birthday party?" Moira said nothing as she felt her cheeks grown warm. A funny feeling tickled her nose and her eyes seemed to grow wider.

"You didn't call, and I wanted to talk with you." Moira remained silent

"I ran into your sister's boyfriend's family at the mall yesterday. They gave me your number?" Her voice sounded very sweet and frightening at the same time.

"Hello?" Moira bit her lip and before hitting the off button and laying the phone down. She went to walk away and found that Archie was sitting on the couch staring at him, grinning.

"Your girlfriend?" He smiled.

"I don't have a girlfriend." Moira frowned and went to walk away when the phone rang.

"You want me to tell her you don't live here anymore?" He smiled again and Moira shook her head. After three rings she answered.

"Hello? This is the McKenna home." She hoped it was a telemarketer.

"Hi...Moira...we got cut off. This is Mika." Moira shuddered. Her face grew redder as the girl continued.

"I've got some free time this week. We’ve got odd semester breaks in the program I'm in, and I don't start class again until next Tuesday." Moira nodded unconciously as if the girl could see her.

"Moira? Moira?" She sighed away from the receiver before speaking.

"Mika...I'm sorry...I'm...." As Jimmy, she had always been secure; not so much as Jimmy but more as her whole self. As Moira, she had taken on an almost timid personality.

"I...I can't...I just can't." Even as her face grew red, she began to cry. It was almost embarassing; it was embarassing, and she ended the call with another "sorry" before hanging up the phone yet again.

"What the fuck, Jimmy!" Moira had resigned herself to the fact that Archie was going to have a hard time using her name, but he had gotten at least to the place that he was only using the other name on rare occasion. She turned to see her brother, who had a surprisingly sympathetic look on his face. Standing next to him, with an even more sympathetic look was his father, who simply said,

"I think you need to see Dr. Callahan, aye?" With an odd mixture of familiarity and newness, she spoke, sounding at the same time like Jimmy and Moira together.

"Oh, Dad,' as she buried her face in her father's shoulder and began to sob; the first time Kellan McKenna had ever held his daughter in his arms, so to speak. Kellan patted her on the back, awkwardly at first with the unfamiliarity that comes from comforting a stranger; awkward but necessary. His uneasiness was quickly replaced with recognition as he patted his son in comfort; perhaps in a way that spelled a final goodbye for both as he cherished his daughter.

"It's okay, kiddo, it's okay. Daddy's here," a familar phrase from Moira's past, but with new meaning as she felt her father's love for her...her alone...for the first time.

"It's okay."

---

The Pastore House a few days later

"Vito...talk to her. For Christ's sake, she's your only child!"

"Deanna? Don't use His name in vain!" His expression was one of shock and disappointment.

"It IS for His sake, Vito...Suffer the children to come unto me, isn't that how it goes?" He hated when she used Scripture to correct him. It was the only way she could reach him of late. He had retreated behind a wall of dogma mixed with stubborn pride.

"He's not a girl...there's no way my son is a girl...It's ...wrong...just wrong!" He shook his head as his face grew red; a crimson borne of a mixture of shame, doubt and fear.

"Vito...Goddamn it, talk to your daughter!" Deanna cried as she shook her head. He had never seen her this angry and sad in their nineteen years of marriage.

"Deanna?!!!" He glared at her, causing her walk up to him. She pushed his hands away as he plead for understanding.

"Vito, damn it...don't you ever look at me like that again. I'm not one of your precious sheep. I'm not a lost soul, Goddamnit, I'm your wife and she's your daughter. You go up there and talk to her or so help me..." She struggled with her last few words as her voice gained control.

"Vito...I love you...I always have and I always will." She paused one last time, wiping the tears from her eyes with her sweater cuff.

"But as God surely is my witness and yours, if you don't talk to your daugther, so help me I will take her and we will leave, do you understand?"

He nodded and shook his head nearly simultaneously, in agreement and in fear; she meant it...he could see it in her eyes. The love was tempered with her need to protect Ella. She was aptly named; Deanna Ursino...like a she-bear protecting her cub.

"I'm serious, Vito...no more of this...I'm sick of us being second to every little thing that comes up at church...your daughter has been growing up before you and you're missing it. A blind man would have noticed what you've neglected, and it's time to open your eyes....look at her like you look at everybody else. Forgive her and love her and show her she's as important as any meeting....any committee. I've put up with this for too long, and I am so fucking sorry for her sake that I did!"

His eyes widened, partially in shock, but mostly in recognition that she meant everything she said. He hadn't heard her use profanity in nearly twenty years, and that it came up right then and there told him there were no more chances. He held out his arms and put his head down.

"No, Vito...no hugs...no enabling...no more "there, there, I know you didn't mean it." She punched the wall, uncharacteristically but with such force that she cracked the sheetrock and caused a picture to fall to the floor, shattering the frame and glass.

"No, Vito...I mean it. I love you and I'm going to stand by you as much as I can, but it's going to be on His terms, not yours," she said as she pointed upwards

"Husbands LOVE your wives....You want to love me, Vito...show it by telling your daughter you are sorry. And then I want you to call the Elders and tell them you're taking some time off. For all of our sakes!" She shook her head one last time.

"We are going to family therapy....Dr. Connors has an opening tomorrow night...yes I know it's the Deacons meeting. They can get along with you just fine."

She was crying again, mostly out of relief, but also with the guilt that comes from enabling an abuser to abuse. He had never raised a hand to them; in fact he had never raised his voice to either of them. But his tenacious need for control pushed and pulled both Deanna and Ella into a position of neglect and abuse that molded them into the wife and son he wanted. And she had helped. She sat down on the steps leading upstairs and leaned her head against the wall and began to sob.

Vito looked at his wife for the first time with an understanding that can only come from a broken and contrite heart, as his precious Scriptures would attest. He looked at her and eighteen years of domination and selfishness and pettiness literally knocked him off his feet as he fell to the floor, weeping. His body began to shudder at first and in seconds he was prostrate and sobbing harder than at any other time in his life. His shoulders shook as wave after wave kept knocking him back down; each excuse; each explanation, each justification that came to mind was drowned by the undertow of conviction as he wept.

"Dad..." A soft voice in his ear was accompanied by an even softer touch to his shoulder.

"Dad?"

He struggled at first but sat up and leaned against the hallway wall. Lifting his head, Vito Salvatore Pastore saw an angel; her head was awash in the overhead glow of the hallway light as he recognized the messenger who had brought the needed change to the family. Gabriella knelt beside him, her hand touching his face as he beheld the beautiful gift that he had neglected for so long, seeing his daughter for the first time. He squinted, squeezing out tears that continued to flow as he peered at her, trying to see her clearly. The tears themselves were actually the lenses that brought his vision finally into focus as he smiled weakly in recognition.

"Gabe?" Using her old name didn't bother her at all...the name Gabriella would be spoken soon enough after stumbles and falls and risings and recovery as the family would finally walk along side each other. But for the time being, just the softness and the tenderness of the voice meant the world to the girl.

"It's okay, Dad...It's okay."

She smiled as a hand touched her head, tossling her hair. She turned to see her mother, who smiled through her own tears. She nodded to her daughter and looked down at her husband, seeing once again the passionate caring man she had married nearly nineteen years before and she sighed in relief and joyful recognition that it was indeed finally going to be okay.

---

Dr. Kelly Callahan's office, the next day

“Dr. Callahan? Is there something wrong with me?” Moira looked away, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“What makes you feel like something is wrong, Moira?” Kelly sat across from the girl who had pulled into herself, folding her arms almost like a hug.

“From what you’ve told me already, it sounds like things are going pretty good for you.” She smiled.

“I…I’m not sure…I don’t know.” She looked away.

“Well, something seems to be eating at you…you look very worried, like you feel you did something wrong.” Kelly waited until Moira turned toward her at the word ‘wrong?”

“Do you feel like you’ve done something wrong?” The girl shifted a bit but still hugged herself.

“I don’t know.” She repeated.

“What don’t you know, Moira?” Kelly shifted her approach.

“You just determined that you’re a young woman after seventeen years of living as a boy….Aren’t you being a little hard on yourself?” She tilted her head and half-smiled.

“Let me see if we can explore a bit, okay?” The girl nodded and she continued.

“You love your family, right?” She smiled back and nodded. In fact, at the mention of the word family, the girl practically beamed, her tears finally easing up.

“Do you think you’ve done something wrong as far as they’re concerned?” She shrugged and tilted her own head, and her eyes began to mist. Kelly picked up the visual clue and added,

“Does your family accept you as Moira?”

“Well, Archie…my little brother...he’s really not so little...Thirteen” Moira’s eyes grew wider as she turned away once again, give out a soft sigh.

“Is he having a hard time accepting you, Moira?” Kelly didn’t have to say her name, but she felt the mention might both affirm the girl and also help her get to the bottom of things.

“Oh, I know he is…he misses Jimmy…me…him…oh fuck…I don’t know.” She grew red at the mention of her old name and even redder when she realized she had sworn.

“Oh, gosh…I’m sorry.” She looked pleadingly at Kelly who smiled warmly.

“It’s okay, Moira…don’t worry about it. You were saying Archie misses his brother…has his brother gone away?”

“Well, no…I’m...he’s…oh fuck.” That word again.

“Moira, it’s okay…have YOU gone anywhere?”

“Nnn…no. It’s just…he said he…it was like I died.” She began to cry softly.

“Well…it feels like that to him?” She tilted her head again and widened her eyes in question.

“Yeah…that’s…he feels like he…I died.” She sniffled and turned away.

“Did you choose to die, Jimmy?” She used the dreaded name.

“Nnno…no…” Almost a question, as if she had to satisfy Kelly.

“You didn’t really die, did you, Jimmy? You’re still there, aren’t you?” Moira raised her eyebrows and smiled even as she sobbed.

“Nnn…no….no.” She shook her head.

“You’re still a part of Moira, aren’t you…since you and Moira are what, Jimmy?” Moira looked at her and her eyes widened in recognition.

“We’re….we’re the same person?” Kelly didn’t bother to say anything as Moira’s posture changed; her shoulders relaxed and her arms unfolded as she put her hand to her mouth.

“Archie thinks you left him, doesn’t he?” Back to that!

“Yeeessss. He misses me….” She bit her lip and her arms quickly enfolded her once again.

“But you haven’t gone anywhere, have you. You’ve been there all along, right?” She smiled and raised her eyebrows once again.

“Yyyeesss.”

“In fact, you only just figured this out….you’ve been Moira all along, haven’t you?” Almost a statement.

“Yes,” the girl replied, a bit more confident.

“So…how do you and Archie get along otherwise?”

“Oh…pretty good.” She closed her eyes for a moment, recalling the night of the party.

“What?” Kelly asked with a smile.

“Oh…when I got upset at Annie’s birthday party, he actually kissed me...the first time.” Her tears still fell, but they changed as she recalled how special the moment actually was.

“So he’s treating you like?”

“H…his…sissssister?” She stammered, and turned away.

“What’s going on…That sounded like a great moment for you but you’re upset.

“Oh…it’s nothing!” It was everything…the reason she sat across from Kelly in the first place. She had already seen Kelly twice in the last three weeks, and had already seen her endocrinologist as well.

“What upset you at the birthday party?” Kelly emphasized the word ‘birthday’ to stress the contrast between the mood of the event and Moira’s feelings.

“Oh, it was nothing…really…I guess I had a bad day?” Another plea.

“Really…you told me last week it was…how did you put it?” Kelly really remembered but she wanted Moira to repeat what she had said.

“The…the grand debut of the McKennas.” She half-smiled. Kelly pointed to the box of Kleenex on the side table in reminder. Moira grabbed a tissue and wiped her eyes.

“There was another word there...what was it?” Again, Kelly already knew the answer, almost like a lawyer; never ask a question to which you don’t already know the answer.

“Oh…” A look of recollection crossed her face and Moira said proudly,

“The grand debut of the McKenna Sisters.” She smiled and Kelly smiled back.

“Wow...that sounds like a great day…but you got upset?”

“Yes,” she said it almost as a confession…as if she did something wrong...that other word!

“And Archie actually kissed you for the first time?” Moira half-smiled and nodded, almost feeling guilty at not being more excited over the milestone.

“So…the debut and a comforting kiss by your baby brother…sandwiching what, Moira…what was so bad to make the good almost go away?” Moira looked at her as if she had been asked to jump off a cliff; not just the peril but the fright almost consumed the moment.

“I…I…” She began to tear up once again.

“You look like you did something wrong, Moira.” Kelly wasn’t accusing her; just giving her room to recognize her own feelings.

“I…I…I met someone.” She turned away. An admission…again, almost a confession of guilt.

“Who did you meet, Moira…what happened.”

“Nnnno…nothing happened.” She turned away once again. Shame.

“It looks like you think you did something wrong, Moira. Did you do something?

“Nnn….no,” she said softly and her voice trailed off. She hugged herself again.

“Who did you meet, Moira?”

“A…a girl.” She bit her lip.

“So you met a girl at Annie’s birthday party?”

“Yehhh…yes.” Reluctance.

“What did she say?” Moira winced.

“What did she say?” She repeated what Kelly asked as if she was being interrogated.

“Yes…did she say something to upset you?” Kelly could see it had. Moira shrugged her shoulders and looked away once again. Shame.

“NN…nnno…she didn’t say anything to upset me.”

“But something did happen, right?” Moira nodded and her eyes were overflowing. She sniffled but Kelly offered no reminder.

“What happened, Moira…what happened that was so bad to upset you?” Her voice was almost tender, like a mother inviting a child to describe her day.

“She…she.” Kelly nodded and smiled as if to say, ‘Go ahead.’

“She wrote me a note…” Kelly nodded.

“Shsshe…she wants….” Another nod.

“She wants to get to…know me.” Kelly smiled in sympathy as the girl started to cry.

“And you feel that’s wrong of her?”

“Wha…what?” She looked up, puzzled.

“She wants to get to know you. Is that wrong of her?”

“Nnn…no. No..it’s not.” She said softly as she wiped her face with her sleeve, forgetting the box of tissues sitting on her lap.

“Then…Moira, look at me.” Kelly spoke softly but firmly to gain eye contact as she had turned away again.

“What would upset you so much if it wasn’t wrong to ask?” She paused as the girl’s eyes went down. Shame once again.

“Is is wrong for you to accept?” Not an accusation, but a clarification.

“Yehh…yeesss.” She bit her lip.

“May I ask why?” Kelly tilted her head in question.

“Bee….beccaaussse….ihhht’s wrrrronnng.” She began to weep. Her arms once again enwrapped her as she rocked slightly. She cried for a good five or six minutes; her sobs finally subsiding at Kelly’s voice.

“Moira?”

“Yes.”

“You’re very upset…more than at any other time in our sessions so far. What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?” Moira had an idea but didn’t offer anything.

“You are extremely upset over this; like you did something wrong…why is it wrong for you to want to get to know this girl?” She knew already but it was important for Moira to discover it for herself.

“I’m….I’m a girl.” She put her head down. Shame once again.

“Let me ask you this before we go any further, okay?” Moira nodded.

“We talked about how your family is adjusting…to your change, right?” A nod.

“And you all are finding out that you’re….”

“The same person, right?”

“And that you still like football, right?” Another nod. Kelly smiled.

“is it okay for girls to like hockey?” A bit jarring, but intentional.

“Yes, my Mom loved hockey!” Moira said emphatically, as if Kelly should have known that.

“Since you decided to become…correction, since you determined that you were a girl, have you stopped liking the Colts or hockey?” A shake of the head, ‘no.”

“And you suddenly haven’t developed a love for eggplant or egg salad, right?” A nod.

“So you’re really the same person you were before, but in a different ‘package?’ Would that be a good way of saying it?

“Yes.”

“May I ask another question?” A nervous nod as Moira wondered where Kelly was going.

“Did Jimmy like girls?” A nod

“A lot?” Moira’s nod was followed quickly by,

“Now Jimmy and Moira are the same person; and we’ve already determined that there’s no real difference inside between you and him, right?”

“Yes?” Moira leaned closer and half-smiled.

“So it would follow that whatever Jimmy liked Moira likes, right?”

“And it would be okay?”

“Kelly? What are you saying?”

“It’s not so much what I’m saying as what you are, Moira. Everything we’ve talked about leading up to today says...what you’re saying to your family and me…maybe what you’re having a hard time hearing yourself, is that you’re the same person you’ve already been, right?”

“Yes...yes” Moira nodded, already feeling some relief in anticipation.

“So…would it follow that it’s okay for Moira to continue to like…even love the same things Jimmy did?”

“Yes,” She went from optimistic to fearful in a moment, hoping she was right. Kelly nodded and continued.

“So if it was okay…not wrong for Jimmy to really like girls, wouldn’t it be okay…perfectly alright for you to still like girls?” She nodded.

“And wouldn’t it also follow that it would be okay…even a good thing to contact this girl…what was her name?”

“Mika,” she nodded.

“To contact Mika? To get to know her? To see where things go?”

“Yes?” One last plea, hoping she answered "correctly." Kelly nodded, expecting a glowing smile, but instead the girl burst into tears. With almost as much energy and emotion over her fear of being wrong, the girl wept out of relief of being right; of finally fitting in and being okay. Kelly leaned back in her chair and sighed deeply before saying one last time,

“Yes, Moira, absolutely yes!”

Next: At Last…A Swan!

---

Love Theme from Sparatcus
from the Movie Soundtrack
words and music by
Terry Callier and Alex North
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZ6e8-94JRE