For Love
They sat together on the couch; the same routine night after night, year after year. The shows changed over time, but they remained in love...as deeply in love as when they first met...even more so, if that were possible. They loved each other and it showed. Hands held and a welcoming shoulder or a open lap for rest and comfort.
But their roles had reversed in a manner of speaking. Where once he was adamant about things and inflexible and she was open and easy to please, they now had switched sides. Her return to her childhood faith was literally a Godsend for her, but bode poorly for him. He had an epiphany of sorts; he still was filled with faith, but with a new understanding and he knew for the first time he was meant for something different than he had ever imagined. But her world didn't have room for his new understanding. She loved him, and likely would always love him. But she wouldn't like what she saw if she knew who and what he had become.
Years of love don't get swept away and discarded even if the pain of staying the same grows with every sunrise. Hearts knit together cannot be torn apart over even the most serious of beliefs about one's self. And of course, they were always free to be who they were inside...nothing had changed there. She still loved him, even if she didn't know anything about who he had become. In that regard, nothing had changed other than the outward expression, if it had been allowed room. That it had no overt means of being meant little compared to the hurt that expression might cause. So he never told her. She still loved the whole person, in whom the new part of him dwelt, unnamed and unspoken. And the new part of him always loved her because the new part of him was really there all along.
She loved her. She loved her too much to hurt her. The years of love that she harbored in her heart were enough to accept that her dearest would never know that part of her. Never share that part of her other than that she would always be there for her love, even if that meant being him all the time. No matter what might come; no matter how painful the yearning to break free and be who she was, it wasn't worth the lives of those she loved. It wasn't that important even if it was important to her and painful to neglect and set aside. Nothing, she told herself with as much honesty and sincerity as possible, was worth the sacrifice of that love, and she would be content to know that love would live and grow and change and become what it was always meant to be, watered and nurtured and fed by the loving heart of the girl her love would never come to know, but already knew intimately. All for love.
Comments
For Love...
What a completely odd story to read. Normally, when one claims a story is autobiographical, they mean the story is somewhat like their real time life. I feel as though this is totally real life and a tortured and difficult one at that. Two people seem to be in love with one another but those two seem to be one in the same. I feel as though the wife is almost a beloved interloper with squatting rights.
I cannot say that this situation would be unique but I can say that I've rarely seen it as well written and as thoughfully handled as in this particularly fascinating little slice or real life. Andrea, where have you been all of this time? Well done!
Hugs and Copped Feels,
Trashy Trisha
The geat dilemma
So many keep a secret that diminishes them and prevents them from attaining their full potential. The great dilemma; do I reveal all in my quest for wholeness - risking the loss of the ones I hold dear, or do I withold part of myself in an attempt to shield them from what may upset the balance of their life?
Decisions, decisions.
Once again 'drea, you capture the essence of the dilemma that besets so many trans-people.
Susie
For Love
Is a look into the Heart of the authoress. Only she can evoke the emotions in a story as she does.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Drea...sweetness...
If you wanted to rip our hearts out, you certainly couldn't have used a sharper knife! This is a very strong piece that should be called super-autobiographical. Very few authors have the courage to truly reveal their most inner selves in such a powerful manner. Brava...yet again!!!
Mea the Magnificent
COURAGE !!!!!!!
ALISON
"Drea,Meaghan has said it all for me.You really are quite incredible.
ALISON
So Sad!
This story elicited nothing from me so much as an overwhelming sense of grief. Grief and sorrow for the lost lives, the quiet desperation, the sacrifice. Certainly, true love can not demand the death of self without so much as a whimper or a tear?
As one of my characters so aptly put it,
...I cry every day...just not always with tears.
Con grande amore e di affetto, Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
true love
to be willing to sacrifice so much. I weep for you hun. thank you for sharing
It hurts.
This is quite possibly the most powerful thing I've read in a very long time.
It could have been my story, or any of a number of others.
God bless you, my sister, and my heart goes out to you every day. For I do know.
Hugs,
Carla Ann
That Cuts To The Quick
No more need be said,
Joanne
essense of the dilemma
I can recall in my teens vowing to myself that I would never marry. Part of that was I 'knew' I was inherently unlovable and in the fantastically remote possibility someone did, how could I then betray that by... Almost blew it in my early 20's... had things been different 'I' might not be here, but....
I know many that have and do make the opposite choice and live for the most part happily with that slight sadness. How can I criticise or pass judgement, we each seek our own way and this story shows that beautifully. I do question though, as I always believed that to be that close the other would know or sense, at least in part. Might not acknowledge it, but it has to be there. Perhaps that's naive of me or idealistic, but I do have experience that you don't always hide so well as you think you do.
Lovely stuff Drea, you nudge the emotions and make me think.
For Love, Indeed
[email protected] Drea, I can totally relate to the anguish you've shown here. Though my circumstances are totally different. I've never been able to commit to a relationship due to the secret I've held so deeply within myself.The fear of hurting someone you care so deeply about can be petrifying. As a result I've ended up sabotaging relationships before they go too far. There's also the expectations of family, and putting their needs ahead of my own. When I bought the family home from my Mom seventeen years ago I told them all that this would always be home if any of them ever needed a place to stay. Five years ago my brother took me up on the offer after his third divorce left him with few alternatives. Just this month Mom had to move back after her partner of fifteen years passed away. She's an extreme diabetic and can't be on her own. Neither of them would understand this part of who I am. Thanks again for sharing, Jonelle.
[email protected]
My heart weeps in anquish over this...
Drea,
oh how my heart breaks for you with this slice of your life.
Somewhere over the rainbow,
skies are blue,
and the dreams that you dare to,
dream really will come true..
We will find you your ruby slippers somewhere....
Hugs,
Kristy
When we talked about this
When we talked about this before, and you talked about how you felt, like the others here, all I could do was to offer my sympathies.
I suppose it is a hollow kind of comfort, such sympathy is, for it does not really change your situation.
And, like you said, even if, by some miracle, you could go through the transition, your present medical situation, yours and hers, would preclude it. But I suppose, all in all, that's the smaller problem - the bigger one is that, though you would like to come out, you fear how it will go.
Those of us unencumbered by family commitments and responsibilities may, perhaps, find it easier to follow through on these wishes, and, like you said, had this inner realization come to you earlier in life, maybe you would have also taken the leap that many here have.
All I can say is that, yes, so many things would have been possible in the past if what you know now you knew then. But then again, you wouldn't have had the benefit of her love, and the privilege of sharing that love with each other for so many years, and to have had the chance to have a family.
I myself envy you your love, for like many here, I'm afraid I will never be as lucky, especially given my own "special circumstances."
When you look back at the things that you wished had happened but never did, please also look back at those things that did happen: a love shared, a son, a wife, a family. From someone on the outside looking in, I think you've been pretty lucky, too. Points of views - people really have different points of view.
Yes, there are things that might not be possible - things that you dearly wish for, so much so that it breaks your heart. But look at your beloved sometime, and rejoice that she IS your beloved. Maybe that will be enough from stopping your heart from breaking.
I remember a hackneyed line that goes, "if wishes were fishes, then we'd all cast nets."
I am casting the net out for you, hoping to bring back a wish - a wish just for you.
With love,
To see Bobbie's stories in BCTS, click this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14775/roberta-j-cabot
To see Bobbie's "Working Girl" blogs, click this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/19261/working-girl-blogs
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You know that too ?
It was nearly 40 years for us; two months short. In fact I intended to stay there, but they found my emails I'd written to try to figure out who I was and if I was gay. A huge uproar came out of it, and to make a long story short I was cast out of the house.
Yep, lots of us know...
Much Peace
Khadijah Gwen
A powerful piece
And one I can understand completely.
My heart goes out to you, because for many years I knew the same anguish. It has only been in later life that I dared expose the other half of my life, and to my complete amazement have been accepted by my immediate family.
One is not always free to choose the path that one desires. When one takes on a partner, and then children, responsibilities are accepted even if not always recognised at first. I know that many here have to try and find an appropriate balance, not always the balance that one desires.
Another responder mentioned your medical 'issues'. When I first revealed my female self to my doctor, he asked me whether I thought that my suppression of her may have contributed to my Fibromyalgia (and other medical problems). I was surprised, it had never occurred to me that the tension inside of me might have affected me physically that way. That was one reason that I decided that I would have to bring her more into the daylight.
Two years on, progress had been p a i n f u l l y slow. Even so I can feel a huge positive difference within myself, but regrettably the Fibromyalgia hasn't changed. As everyone's physical circumstances are different, I wonder whether letting her see the light of day, even under restricted conditions away from the home, might prove beneficial to you. After all, you never know unless you try.
Penny
I so get you Penny.
For many years I was stricken with severe anxiety, and paranoia, but was not medicated. Later I developed Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and TMJ (even broke teeth off in my sleep), I was subject to outbursts of temper, shy, withdrawn and socially irascible.
6 years after my "coming out party" LOL, right, AS IF ! I no longer have irritable bowel. A simple change of diet with much more fiber fixed that. The TMJ has magically disappeared. Divorces do have their good points. I wake up this morning and discover that my religous stridency is strangely absent. I hope it stays gone.
Most of my injuries: 4 broken vertibra, from several different accidents. Two knees and a hip that are on the way to Titania, and a left side brain injury of unknown severity, where caused by some inner suicidal drive, I suppose. I don't trust shrinks any more. Geeze, they are more nutso than I am.
Yep, Penny, got your back on all that. I so get it.
Khaduuj
It is so hard
My hart goes out to you What love you have
I wish you enough Mickie
MICKIE
Thursday NY Times Crossword
16 Across (Six Letters)
First name that's feminine in English and masculine in Italian.
Love is a very positive force that hurts us more than anything else,
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
True
That one came from the heart Andrea :)
Beautifully expressed, and true.
Love is a many faceted thing, but in the end it's only one.
And that one is love. I hope you'll have many happy years still.
For my love
I read this story yesterday. I have read all your stories and enjoy them greatly. However this story took me to a place of wonder, because you wrote my story. I was sad, but filled with joy. Joy came from realizing I did love her enough to be happy in my silence.
cheech
For Love
I thought this would go good with FOR LOVE
Man, Woman, He She
All roled up inside of me
Born a boy, A girl inside
No one must know, The Girl I must hide
She stays inside, She watches to see
While he is outside He is free
Play with the boys, Act like a man
But she is frightened, Doesn't know if she can
Staying hidden, Alone is best
Lonely is safer then failing the test
What will happen if I am found out
That I am a girl within and a boy without
The boy in her role becomes a man
A man of success, A man who can
But she is inside, Hurt with pain
From a life never lived, Her life never came
I wish you enough Mickie
Ps I cane across this about 15 years ago and has been with me always
MICKIE
I've been trying to find...
...the lyrics to a song I saw just a few days ago, but I can't remember even the title. >.<
These, while perhaps more apropos to your poem Someday, but they fit not-poorly here, too:
Joy
Words and music by Kathy Mar
Joy is in the ears that hear
Let its song succeed
Laughter is the bane of fear
And all the hope we need.
Let all who are most serious
And fearful on this day
Take lessons from our Giant friends
Or children at their play
For ever in the midst of woe
It helps if we recall
That laughter is a medicine
More potent than them all.
Joy is in the ears that hear
Let its song succeed
Laughter is the bane of fear
And all the hope we need.
When all our banners dragged the dust
And all our hands were chained
In haunted caverns of the earth
Our laughter yet remained
And ever as we lost our dreams
The joy would bid them nigh
Until at last we left the dark
And laughed beneath the sky.
Joy is in the ears that hear
Let its song succeed
Laughter is the bane of fear
And all the hope we need.
Though ever in this darkling world
Our enemies grow strong
It helps us to remember
That their reign cannot be long
And though it seems forever
As we hold them still at bay
It helps to know that laughter
Is forever and a day.
Joy is in the ears that hear
Let its song succeed
Laughter is the bane of fear
And all the hope we need.
Words and music copyright (c) 1982 by Kathy Mar
Noncommercial distribution only, personal use only
*hugs!*
-Liz
-Liz
Successor to the LToC
Formerly known as "momonoimoto"