Jeannie and Claire Part 3 Surrender   by Andrea Lena DiMaggio   Jerry discovers that you can run but you can't hide; especially from yourself!

Mickey was sitting up in bed, her back leaning on the pillows piled against the headboard. She had tears in her eyes, but they weren't for her.

"Jerry...come on honey...It's okay....these things happen." She said, patting the bed in beckoning.

"Not to me...not now." Jerry was in tears as well, and they were all for him, which was okay. He felt a failure, and was nearly weeping in shame.

"Jer...Come on...we've had this happen before...every couple does...come to bed, honey." Mickey patted the bed once again and smiled through her tears with welcome.

"Mickey...honey....this isn't right...it never was...I can't do this anymore..." Jerry was standing by the door to the bathroom.

"Honey...we've talked about this...Dr. Arcola already explained this to us...It's okay...there's nothing wrong."

"But what if he's wrong? What if it did happen....before...?” Jerry's voice trailed off. Mickey looked at Jerry with as much love and acceptance as anyone every could and said calmly,

"So what if it did...what if you... Does it matter when? It hurts. God knows it hurts; honey, but it can't define you. You have to know that I accept you no matter what. I knew everything about you...warts and all, when we got married, didn't I. Come to bed honey...we'll just lie next to each other, okay...no pressure....no need for anything other than for you to know I love you.

"I'm so afraid." Jerry put his hands to his face and wept bitter tears. A man who fought in two tours in Iraq, earning a Bronze Star and a Purple Heart. A brave man who held his best friend's lifeless body in his arms. A man who saw too many things that no one should ever have to see. A brave man.

"Jerry...it's okay to be afraid..." Mickey got out of bed and walked over to where her husband stood and walked behind him, hugging him as if he were about to run away. Jerry had run away a lot without moving an inch in the past two years. He ran away from the pain of the loss of his best friend. He ran away from the memory of his first marriage, which ended in a sad, neglectful divorce, as if it were spoiled fruit dying on a vine. He ran away from his brother, who had reached out for support in his own painful trauma...trauma which Jerry was too scared to admit was just like his own.

"Jerry...Remember what Donny said...what we talked about." Mickey squeezed Jerry once again.

"Jerry, it's okay." Donny Arcola sat across from Mickey and Jerry, his look of acceptance giving Mickey some peace of mind, but doing nothing to ease Jerry's fears.

"I feel so guilty....I'm such a fucking loser." Jerry began to weep, causing Mickey to tighten her grip on Jerry's hand. Donny just asked the question,

"What are you guilty of, Jerry. What have you done?" Donny was aware of Jerry's past from the intake interview and his last session. He wanted Jerry to identify for himself where the guilt was coming from.

"Fuck...where do I begin...Oh yeah...my own brother gets fucked up the ass and all I can say is..."well, that happened to you." Some brother I am.

"That's not all as far as that's concerned, though, is it Jerry?" Donny's expression was welcoming.

"I'm a fucking liar...a fucking disappointment." Jerry actually patted his chest with his fist, as if to own what he had just said.

"Oh, honey...you don't disappoint me..." Mickey said, but stopped when Donny put his hand out in caution.

"Why are you a disappointment, Jerry....who have you disappointed?" Donny leaned closer to hear Jerry's answer.

"I let Todd go all these years feeling he was so fucked up....I let him down." Jerry turned his head, looking for a way out, as if he could climb through the wall of the windowless office.

"How did you let him down...what didn't you do that you should have?" Donny was convinced that Jerry was feeling guilty over some neglectful thing...from his perspective. He used the word "should" because he knew that's how Jerry felt.

"I shoulda told him about me....I let him down, Donny. I let my big brother down....Maybe if I'da said somethin' he'd be past all this crap now."

"How so, Jerry, what could you have told him that would help him." Donny could see a breakthrough coming. He didn't want to rush it. He looked at Mickey, who nodded as if to say, "You're on the right track.

"What is it that Todd needs to know? What can you tell him that will help him, Jerry?

"That he's not the only one....he.....I..." Jerry choked back his sobs and continued.

"Toddy...he musta been about twelve....after....Uncle Todd....you know...." Donny was working with Todd, and he had permission to speak about Todd's abuse with his family members. He nodded and said nothing.

"I was nine, and I usta spend all my time over at Bobby Bigelow's house....about every day for a while." He looked at Donny as if to get permission to continue.

"His cousin....Jackie....Bobby's mom was working during the day and she'd leave Bobby with Jackie. He was there all the time." Donny could see where this was going, but wanted to let Jerry tell his story, so he asked no questions, and just continued to nod.

"We.....we would play games...." Jerry bit his lip hard enough to draw blood, prompting Mickey to try to dab the blood from his mouth. Donny put his hand out, palm down, as if to say, "Let him do that." Mickey wasn't wrong in trying to help her husband, but at that point, Donny wanted him to be aware of what was going on in the moment, since it likely paralleled what happened years ago.

"It wasn't a fucking game....he....what the fuck did we know? We were little kids, and he had us sucking him....like it was a game." Jerry began to sob so hard that he hyperventilated. He eventually caught his breath and buried his face in Mickey's shoulder and wept. Mickey looked over at Donny for a sign as if to say, "Is it okay now?" Donny nodded and Mickey embraced her husband and patted him on the back while saying, "It's okay Jer...."

"I'm soorrrry." Jerry kept saying it over and over for several minutes until his weeping subsided. He looked up, seeking absolution from both Donny and Mickey. Mickey knew the story, but it took Jerry coming face to face with his brother's hurt and pain to acknowledge his own.

"Jerry...just think about what you said, okay?’What the fuck did we know? We were little kids, and he had us sucking him...like it was a game." Jerry...that's exactly what happened.

"What do you mean, I don't understand."

"You were a child in the care of someone who was supposed to look after you. You were nine, right?" Jerry nodded. "How old was he?

"I think he was sixteen or seventeen...." Jerry said as he wiped his face with his sleeve. Mickey grabbed a tissue and handed it to him, and he blew his nose.

"So, what does a nine year old who doesn't know what's what do? Did you have a choice?" Donny of course knew the answer, but he wanted Jerry to discover that for himself.

"I coulda run away. Yeah, that's what I shoulda done." Jerry began to cry once again, feeling defeated.

"It sounds like you think you did something wrong. Did you do something wrong, Jerry?" Donny said this almost with no emotion.

"I sucked his cock...that's wrong...that's wrong." He turned and looked at Mickey, his expression revealing not only pain, but guilt and shame.

"Did you know it was wrong?" Mickey jumped in. She looked at Donny as if to apologize, but Donny nodded as if to say, "Keep going."

"Jerry...did you know it was wrong?" She put her hand on his arm in reassurance.

"No...I was a kid...what the fuck did I know?" Even as he said it, the look of horror and recognition that crossed his face caused Mickey to begin crying.

"Nooooo.....nooooo." Jerry once again buried his face in Mickey's shoulder, his body almost convulsing from the sobs. But these were sobs of release and the beginning of healing for Jerry, as he wept, not as a guilty participant, but as a victim, and eventually, Donny expected, as a survivor.

"It's okay, Jerry, it's okay honey....." Mickey's sobs nearly matched Jerry's as they embraced. A corner had been turned; progress that would ultimately be part of the healing for the entire Sinclair family.

"I'm so scared, Mickey....what if this is all because of what happened. What if I'm just fucked up in the head?"

"When did it start, Jerry? We talked about this. When did you start feeling this way?" Mickey knew the answer already, but she hoped that by asking the question once again, it would help Jerry understand. He needed to know there was nothing wrong with him.

"I....I was about seven....Mommy had gone out and Daddy was at work. I think Craig was over at Tommy's house and Toddy...I don't remember, but I was all alone." Jerry blinked back his tears as he turned toward Mickey; she nodded as if to say,,,"Okay...go on."

"I went into their room...Mommy didn't....she was sorta okay back then....I think she didn't start drinking....I don't know" Jerry was already embarrassed and ashamed, even though he had yet to say what was hurting him. And he was even upset at not being able to remember the details. Mickey just pulled him closer and held both of his hands with hers.

"I went into her drawer and pulled it out....it was…so pretty. I don't think.....Mommy never dressed up...hardly ever." Jerry struggled to choke back the tears, not just for himself, but for the memory of his mother.

"What we talked about....not wanting to be pretty....knowing now why...." He began to sob, once again reminded of the abuse his mother endured at the hands of her own father. How she tried to fade into the background...to be unnoticed...

"I remember she dressed up for somebody's wedding. We didn't go...Craig took care of us and Mommy and Daddy went alone." He sighed as he recalled.

"She was the prettiest...." Jerry bit his lip, overwhelmed with sadness over the devastation that his grandfather had wrought.

"Daddy said...honey, you look beautiful." Jerry bit his tongue again. "The only time I ever heard anyone tell Mommy something nice...she was so pretty."

"But she didn't know it, or didn't want to know, did she Jer?" Mickey looked into Jerry's eyes, her tears mirroring his own.

"No...." He looked away, as if to find something, anything that might give him an understanding of how he felt.

"It was a half-slip....almost a charcoal color....it was so soft...." Jerry looked into Mickey's eyes. She just nodded. Her expression told Jerry everything he needed to know.

"It was so pretty....I felt....closer to her..." Jerry shook his head, as if to say no to himself, but Mickey just kept looking at him with acceptance.

"Jerry...this all happened before the other thing....before you were hurt." Mickey blinked back her tears and opened her eyes wider, as if her own recognition would help Jerry understand.

"Jerry...you felt like this because this is part of you....you didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing wrong with you Jerry.' She reached up and kissed her husband on the cheek, tasting, almost savoring his tears, a precious part of who he was.

"Jerry, I told you when we first met that we should have no secrets, right? And you told me all of yours and I told you all of mine, right?" She smiled through her tears and continued.

"I'm still here, aren't I? I'm still in love with you and you're still in love with me?" She said the last part more like a statement.

"This is part of you...part of you that I not only respect but have come to love and appreciate." She smiled once again. Jerry started to mouth the word, "but" and Mickey put her finger over his lips.

"No buts...I love all of you...my soldier...so brave and caring...my provider....my best friend.....every part of you, Jer...every part of you.

"I know, but this is different." Jerry choked back a sob and looked down at himself.

"Not to me." Mickey began to cry once again, not for herself, but for the guilt and shame that her husband had endured for so long, even with her unconditional acceptance. "I married all of you, and I love all of you." She grabbed him by the hand.

"It's been a long day, and we need to get to bed, honey, come on, okay?" Mickey kissed Jerry lightly on the cheek once again and walked back over to the bed, with Jerry in tow.

The two figures cuddled in blissful slumber, as close as they had ever been; perhaps even closer after a night that started with doubt and failure and finished with acceptance and hope. Both were peaceful, dreaming nice dreams as they held each other. Two women deeply in love; one learning to accept herself and learning that she was loved for exactly who she was created to be. The other now awake and looking as she had always looked at her husband; through accepting and adoring eyes.

Coming Soon - In Her Eyes
 
Surrender
from the Album Demos 2001-2002
As Performed by Evanescence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8EKIQpoXdE