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I don't wanna be a boy I wanna be a girl, I wanna do things that makes your hair curl...

Sunday ruddy sunday...

Gah in the country there is no public transport on a sunday so I've been stuck at home all day, some reading some runescape some riting, the three 'R's then.
I posted my story list yesterday and promptly thought up two new stories I'll leave it a week and post a revised list next week so I can see how little I have done.

When it is written, then shall it be done.

So, why can’t I finish one of these stories? Is it because of a curse, or the cat threatening my keyboard? (down, down!) No, I don’t think so. It’s all about discipline.

I like to explore and take a character, usually a form of me, to places and see what I’d do. I put him or her into a situation and let him go. Damned if I know why he does the things he does. Along the way he discovers things about himself and through him, me.

But that doesn’t explain why I can’t end a story. Like I said, it’s about discipline. Darkside took five years to write his 2.6meg monster by outlining the whole thing first, then sticking to his outline. I tried, but I just keep finding new paths. Every scene has a plan, but I never know how, precisely, I’m going to do it until I start actually writing it. Sometimes, to stay true to my character, he or she has other ideas.

The story becomes a juggernaut, rolling a way I sometimes don’t want, towards a conclusion I don’t desire. So, I throw obstacles in its path to divert it towards my planned-for ending. That usually works. But it’s a learning experience. It tells me I need discipline.

Anyway, for anybody who is reading this, I have three stories outstanding — all of which I will complete.

The Warrior from Batuk: A Zhor novel about a warrior who is injected with Ruk’s serum and becomes a serum girl, a beautiful woman with the longings of a natural slave. But she won’t give up her freedom without a fight, battling herself and her enemies in a war to save her city. — 90% complete. (really) About 230K words so far, but the end is clearly in sight.

Sample:

“Now you die,” smiled the guard toothily and moved forward.

I shuffled backwards and the King, still on his back, somehow managed to trip me. I fell painfully and lost the spear with a flick of the guard’s sword. From my elbows, I looked up to a blade hovering above my breasts, and beyond, to a cool confident smile. It seemed that it was not my day. And then, from behind me, a well-thrown long spear flashed, penetrating his breastplate and mail with a metallic ‘snick!’ sinking deep into the center of his chest. The spear’s power compelled him backwards to fall across the shrieking woman on the bed, where he passed from the world with a shuddering groan.

His sword, an instant earlier aligned to invade my heart, merely dropped, cutting a deep gash in the valley between softness. I caught the sharp sword between palms before it could fall further. I reveled in my pain, and paid tribute to the fickle God of Luck with the breath I didn’t think I’d have. I rolled over slowly and crawled to the King on my knees. Yanking the spear from his stomach had done him further injury; it was all he could do now to hold his insides in place, but still, his wound, although very serious, wasn’t necessarily fatal with prompt attention, and I couldn’t allow him to survive. Grabbing the King’s jewel-incrusted sword, I held it under his chin, poised for a thrust into his brain. He was too weak to protest, but he was aware, and I bent to his ear.

“You are a brave man,” I whispered. “You deserve to know why you are going to die.”

He glared at me through eyes glazed in pain. “You Gods-cursed Giovannis came early,” he rasped. “I expected you after the Borodins left.”

I shook my head. Grinning, I met his glare. “I’m from Batuk.” I waited a few inches from his face until I saw the light of understanding, and then thrust the sword upwards. The sharply pointed end, capable of penetrating plate armor, had no problem with soft tissue. He collapsed and voided in death, fouling the air around me.

I stood slowly and leaned against the bloody blade, watching the terrified woman on the bed, a pretty girl with auburn hair and blue eyes. She appeared to regret throwing those pillows at me. I smiled. She cringed.

Sappho: The Lesbian Planet: A scout from the far future lands on a lesbian world where there are no men and men have been written into history as vile animals. Rescued by ‘throwbacks’ (hetero women), he tries to get back to Earth, but he won’t leave unchanged. — 80% complete 55K words so far.

Unity: Houston: A VR world where the brain patterns of people can be preserved in a cube and placed in a VR environment, essentially living forever in worlds both mundane and magical. But are they alive, and who protects them? — 80% finished about 150K words so far.

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And Now?

It's very early thursday morning (UK) it's horrible out but now....

Now I'm okay I'm alive, each time I feel really down like I did earlier I try and analyze why I'm down, I still havn't reached an answer, partly it's the whole gender thing, inside I'm ?????? outside I'm male, I really wish that I was a classic case of Gender Dysphoria then I could say to the pychologists I am a woman trapped in a mans body. But I can't, I don;t feel this way but I know that the person inside me is not male , I'm just not certain she is female either. I do know I cannot bear to see myself in the mirror pictures of me make me feel sick, what is worse my mum keeps on going on about how handsome I am, is she blind?

2B or not 2B?

Well life gets worse, possibly, last night (Monday night) I had a dream, in it I was a soldier who when ordered to shoot some civilians killed himself, I felt the bullet kill me! Today (tuesday) I was nearly out of it how do I continue on knowing (though I don't) on the basis of a dream that death will be okay. I cannot cope with life. I used to think that surgery would be the answer chop off this, chop off that and add a bit here add a bit there then I could be happy, now I can see that it cannot happen that way, I am the archetypal male if I do have surgery I will still look like a man...

More beasties...

Well this morning I was ill, not bodily but mentally. Somedays I just can't see the point to anything, it's mainly 'cos I'm lonely. Then after lunch I helped re-round up the 2 cows that are due to be eaten which is in a way sad but they've had good lives. Then I played more runescape. I really need to get on with some work soon... Found out today that my cousin who I'm quite close to is splitting up with her husband of a year, so tonight I'm feeling a little sad, partly for her and partly for him.

Nurses make terrible patients.

They had planned to take the ventilator tube out tonight but her ascites is so bad they were afraid she would have trouble breathing in the night, so they didn't. Since she is conscious and aware now, this annoyed her mightily and they finally gave her something to 'help' her sleep so she would quit trying to get them to take the tube out.

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You COW....

So today, has been okay, little down but then I am all the time. Spent most of the morning and early afternoon reading through the Whateley Academy stories. This after noon I spent a fair amount of time rounding up (or helping to) rounding up my parents small herd of (biddable) cows. Okay so there not biddable, they're evil little buggers. Then after tea I've been reading more about the academy and playing my current fave game 'Runescape' which incase you don't know is a MMORPG set in medeavil(sp?) times with magic and stuff to flesh it out.

There and back just to see how far..........

Well now, first time with a blog, um like a diary huh? Well slept late today because I read a Philip Pullman book last night 'The Tiger in the Well' big fan of his. Currently working on a blog for.... ah yes and reading a runescape site. Where I am making various comments about my other hobby. I spent sometime last night sorting through my soon to be completed fiction collection or not I'm working off and on (more off) on about 10 stories of various lengths, so back to the drawing board.

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