I try to be the most loving and friendly person I can but once in a while I just blow it so bad that the enormity of what I have done simply plagues me for days. I am afraid that this is one that I will have to go back and fix if I get the oportunity.
Yesterday, I sat in church behind what I assumed to be a very shapely and cultured woman of indeterminate age. When it came to that place in the proceedings where everyone greets one another, she turned around and I made her imediately. She'd spent a lot of time on appearance, but her deportation and voice needed a lot of work. I said hello, but something just caused me to draw back.
Here was my oportunity to support another sister, and I did not. She told me that she had been a member there for 27 years, and for me trying to sort it all out just did not happen that day.
Looking back, I can now see that she was very selfconscious, something I could not understand for her being there for so long. I failed to understand her. I guess that somewhere deep inside of me, I felt that if she had an acid peel on her face and did some make up, and worked on her voice, she would be doing really well. On reflecting on yesterday, my gosh, I was being catty.
When it came time to go have coffee with the rest of the congregation, I sort of turned my back on her and went into the cafeteria. I could easily have engaged her in conversation and taken her in there myself.
How could I not accnowlege that the feelings of Issolation can be really devastating in T folk?
I have been really blessed, having completed my surgeries, and having been turned down twice at the plastic surgeons. Both surgeons said that I have a very feminine face. Somenow deportation is a minor obstacle for me, so I am rarely "made". So, I have sort of just blended into society and left others behind.
I am deeply shamed by what I did yesterday, and I hope that I get the chance to make it right if it can be done.
Gwenellen
Comments
Please
don't be too hard on yourself. What is done is done and banging your head on the wall isn't going to help. Just try to do better next time or try and contact her during the week if you know how.
Hugs!
grover
Guilt by association
One of the dangers is in associating with others less adapted is it can reflect on you. So maybe you aren't quite so secure. All of this takes time.
hugs,
Angharad.
Angharad
Security
Oh, I often tell myself that I am doing a great job and others tell me so lots. But in truth there is a very timid little girl in me.
Gwenellen
Maybe you are just human...
We all want to act a certain way, but sometimes we act in the moment and because we are scared, or unprepared we instinctively pull away first. However upon meeting this person again, you'll know what to expect and choose to do what you feel is the correct thing for you AND the other person.
Huggles!!
Alexis
Just as an afterthought
If you are truly uncomfortable talking to with her publicly initially, try and make friends in a more private fashion. Brunch after services, or phone numbers...when you are comfortable the rest will fall into place. She may very well understand where you are coming from. :)
Hugs!!
church lady
You know what you have to do now, Gwenellen. Your recent blogs show that you have a great capacity for self-honesty, and a need to do what's right. Something a true bitch doesn't have...... You did something that feels icky to you, something a lot of us have done, snubbing the potential outcast out of our own dread of being one, the sort of behavior we like to think we left behind in Jr. High......Guilt does have its place, when it's about something specific, and when it inspires us to be better people. I hope that lady is there next time you go back, I think she'll be happy to have someone understanding to talk to. It's your business,
but I would like to know how this turns out!
~~~hugs, Laika
What borders on pure insanity?
Canada and Mexico.
.