I try to be the most loving and friendly person I can but once in a while I just blow it so bad that the enormity of what I have done simply plagues me for days. I am afraid that this is one that I will have to go back and fix if I get the oportunity.

Yesterday, I sat in church behind what I assumed to be a very shapely and cultured woman of indeterminate age. When it came to that place in the proceedings where everyone greets one another, she turned around and I made her imediately. She'd spent a lot of time on appearance, but her deportation and voice needed a lot of work. I said hello, but something just caused me to draw back.

Here was my oportunity to support another sister, and I did not. She told me that she had been a member there for 27 years, and for me trying to sort it all out just did not happen that day.

Looking back, I can now see that she was very selfconscious, something I could not understand for her being there for so long. I failed to understand her. I guess that somewhere deep inside of me, I felt that if she had an acid peel on her face and did some make up, and worked on her voice, she would be doing really well. On reflecting on yesterday, my gosh, I was being catty.

When it came time to go have coffee with the rest of the congregation, I sort of turned my back on her and went into the cafeteria. I could easily have engaged her in conversation and taken her in there myself.

How could I not accnowlege that the feelings of Issolation can be really devastating in T folk?

I have been really blessed, having completed my surgeries, and having been turned down twice at the plastic surgeons. Both surgeons said that I have a very feminine face. Somenow deportation is a minor obstacle for me, so I am rarely "made". So, I have sort of just blended into society and left others behind.

I am deeply shamed by what I did yesterday, and I hope that I get the chance to make it right if it can be done.

Gwenellen