Gwen Brown

Death Of A Princess...

I remember writing this story but did not know it was attached to a true story. Today, I met the uncle of the murdered Transgender teen. The assailant, a Bosnian man got 20 years. He tried to use the excuse that finding out was so upsetting to him that he lost his mind. Apparently, Washington State has passed a law that bars that as a defense.

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Thongs

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I was wondering about Thongs; they seem so sexy, and even in my dotage my thought life...I want to be sexy. So I got a pack of 3. Even after letting one "settle" in, it was not fun, especially while riding a bike. Being my normal stubborn self, I did research. Female pelvises have up to 2" inches more space for Thongs, to facilitate child birth, and to make males think unseemly thoughts.

I haven't thrown them out, but it is unlikely one will ever find its way to my skinny butt again.

Naughtily.

Gwen

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MTF Transgender Caused By Abusive Male

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I do a lot of reading on Psychological matters and sometimes take College courses. The DSM can most certainly put one in a tail spin if we take it as Gospel. I've noticed that certain schools of thought preach that MTF folk have been abused by males. That could be the case with me because of my own stepfather, and it is very easy for me to hate males. Off setting that, I have met numbers of males who were very nice and caring. The other day on an elevator a man started talking to me and by the time I got off I was gasping.

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Just Saying.

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It's been really rough for the last year or two, depending. Am I the only one feeling weak? I know that lots of us struggle and I have the least right to complain of anyone I know. Can't even say that I am on the Spectrum, ADHD, or anything. There really is no excuse for the way I am feeling and I feel guilty about it. I'm not suicidal or even depressed at all, not one bit.

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Not Letting This Go.

I've only just finished reading "Life Giver", by Melanie Brown and was greatly impressed. This book is as professional and easy to read as it gets, in my opinion. I tried to leave a comment at Amazon but can't figure that out. There are other very good Authors at BCTS, but leaving them a comment is quite easy.

Thank you Melanie.

Gwen Brown

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The End Of Gender Change

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I was very late to learn to read and in the early 50s, the teachers I'd had were neither patient or gentle. A teacher I had in the 4th grade, instead of lecturing me, gave me a book that looked very interesting and sitting with a child's dictionary and that book I learned to read somewhat. The name of the book was 'Bull Dozer' and looking, a used copy of it on Amazon is $90. Later in the 7th grade, my teacher noticed my idle fiddling and handed me an encyclopedia to read. By the end of that year, I'd read them all.

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The Bodycon Dress

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The Bodycon Dress


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Was I Ever Transgender?

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To make it short and sweet, I hated men due to my early experiences with them, and I hated being one. The people around me never said I was manly, especially my wife of 38 years. Finally, I gave up and started trying figure out what living as a woman would be like. There are some good people around me, so I didn't do suicide because I didn't want to hurt them.

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In The Year 2221?

Just re-read the story by Daphne about a 12 1/2 year old boy that self castrated himself. I was planning to do the same in 2004 but found a Urologist to do it for $1000 cash. It's a good thing I did because here, where I live self castration will get you a long stay in the State Insane Asylum. I've always had a quiet, seething, hatred for authority for good reason.

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Belonging To Something

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I don't know how other people adapt to today's reality, but for me, belonging to something or someone makes things easier. Over the years, since my Divorce and being abandoned I've tried a number of things, most of which seemed to work for a while. Some have been frustrated with me because of my penchant for getting involved in belief systems, and generally a Trans person can not satisfy them, or I could not. Both Christianity and Islam did not work out, though it seems that a branch of Judaism does.

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The PAIN!!!

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No one to blame here. Just sitting here reading and was suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of grief. No Drama or talk of ending it. Just wanted to say how much it hurts.

Had a wife of 38 years that got to drinking. Blame myself for not putting an end to that and getting her help. Two of my Children blame me for it all. One is supportive and loving.

I miss that woman powerfully and it hurts so much. I could never be man enough for her and as it developed, I wasn't a man at all. Just wish it could have been different though. Maybe the hurt will be gone in the morning?

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T folk Dangerous?

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It is clear to me that exercise and healthy foods help just lots. As most people in this circle know, life for T folk, especially post op ones can really be heartbreaking. Not that long ago, I was talking with my counsellor about riding my bike for a number of things, especially to get groceries. I mentioned a certain market in a popular location and she suddenly seemed very tense. I asked her what was wrong and she denied any issue. She to has an electric bike and passed me one day, though at the time I did not know it was her.

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The Loss of Sexual Response.

For the delicate, read no further.

I've noticed the complete loss of any sort of physical sexual response when manually stimulating. It seems possible that is due to the increased development of scar tissue around the nerves capable of responding to such ministrations and not due to age. My Brain refuses to acknowledge the fact but there is some hope that reality will set in before too long.

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Explicit Content, where is the line?

I've been working on a short story that gets much more explicit than I am accustomed to. And, I am not sure that the idea is entirely mine. Perhaps if I go through it and see if some ideas can be inferred? Perhaps that is what real, professional writers do? I think it was Arthur C Clark that said there are only a few stories?

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Tortured For Being Who We Are.

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I am more fortunate than many of you who will never get the opportunity to live as yourselves. For those who reveal ourselves willingly or accidentally, the cost is often rejection, exclusion, and emotional torture as if they pulled our fingernails out. Many years on, thoughts of the ones we once thought loved us but didn't don't come very often. Thoughts of ending it must be fought off but we trudge on in the hopes that the past will punish us less tomorrow.

Peace

Gwen

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N.L. Paradox's Huge Stories

I happened upon the Author's stories while rooting around on Amazon. I do not know how old the stories are or where the Author comes from. The stories I've read so far are really large, 500 pages or more. They are well written and easy to read. I'm intelligent enough to interpret the sometimes colloquial terms for Transgender when to me, sometimes the person referred to is Intersex. I've been unable to find the Author anywhere but on Amazon. Is the Author familiar to anyone here? The stories pleasantly stand alone even if the TG references were not there.

Gwen

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Always A Woman

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Much to my astonishment, Storysite.org is still open! I first published there in 2001 or before as Credence Brown. I found one of my original stories there called "Swan Song". It is about a page. I remember it as a True Story and it answers a question for me. I had long ago forgotten about it, and at times now, sometimes I feel guilty for trying to be a woman now.

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Not Well.

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Hoping this is all due to inactivity caused by Covid precautions. Out walking makes me feel exhausted, and my BP, Blood Sugar, and Oxy are all showing borderline. I lost 45lbs this winter. I have not been able to get in touch with the Doctor yet. I'll try real hard tomorrow.

I value you all. Please, no emotional emails or phone calls. I've been a snot at times but you loved me anyhow.

Gwen

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Striving For Identity.

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Striving for Identity
By
Gwen Brown


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Computer School

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A winsome little story with an odd twist.

(Editing) 5/12/2021



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Three Girls

Three Girls by Drea DiMaggio.

I don't know how I got on this wonderful story. It was written some 12 years ago. Frankly I usually avoid her stories because they always seem to make a sobbing mess out of me. I'm about half finished with it and it is wonderful.
It will be worth your time to read this.

Gwen

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Be Careful

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So the VA Caregiver seems anxious to get me on Psych Drugs again. It is chilling. They talk about Borderline Personality Disorder. They have grown so condemning and intransigent that I use a private provider when I can. My private Psychological Nurse Practitioner seems more up to date and we've developed the idea that whatever personality problems I have come from Childhood abuse. The VA is very concerned that I not own a gun, and that is confusing since I have no history of violence, and was Military Police in the Army. If I had a broken arm, I would take that to the VA.

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Avoiding Plagiarism

I watched "Deep Impact" last night and found it so moving that I deeply wept until I thought I might pass on. I finally consoled myself sufficiently to gain some dignity back. I doubt that the movie will get awards but parts of it touched on things that inflamed Abandonment Issues and other things.

I've seen a few movies that carry the story to a sort of conclusion, but as I think about them, I have seen no sequels. I am very unfamiliar with so called "Fan Fic", so know nothing of the danger areas. Most certainly, I do not want to get anyone into trouble.

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Not Getting It.

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The recent news about T folk laws... I am frightened.
It seems that I have never understood being Transgender. Lately, in my reflections it seems clear that as a child I was very mild. The constant violence and hate I faced then caused me to fear and mistrust males, perhaps even hating them. I saw that my older stepsister was treated well and got to wear pretty clothes. I wanted to be treated nice like her. Did I feel like a female? Who knows, it is doubtful.
Perhaps I do not know what Transgender folk feel?

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Not Gender Conforming.

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A quick heads up.

BBC has a story on that is quite heartening. "The Pre-Colonial Genders We Don't Talk About". It is toward the bottom of the Internet page and shows that Cross Gender, Third Gender, or Two Spirit behavior has been with us for a very long time. It is a very interesting article and encourages me in the idea that there is hope.

Much peace

Gwen

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Is it my Computer or the BCST Site?

I'm reading "No Half Measures" and am almost finished. It is a very good story.

I notice that if I pause reading for more than a minute or two, the page freezes. It could be my Computer. It is aging and I'm getting ready to get another one. It runs on Win 10, and we all know that I am most certainly no Geek.

I am wondering if the issue has something to do with where the story is stored?

Any ideas?

Gwen

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Do Writers do Art Too?

Being a total recluse only partly because of Covid 19, I just find things to do that are pleasing to me. I write a fair amount of the time but most of that will never be seen by others. Lately I've been thinking about Art. Not the style of famous people, but most likely Native American Navajo and Shawnee Art. I have some plasticized art paper and I don't even know which side gets the art. I started to use colored markers but the fumes from them almost put me in a Coffin. So, now I have some Acrylics and have no idea what to do with them, or what side of the paper they go on either.

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Sweet Story

I only just finished "The Princess Trap" and loved it so much! I returned to it to see if the Author had done more, and much to my astonishment found that Tyrone Slothrop and Wanda Cunningham had published it. Then I found out that the story had been on Kindle for a while.

Gwen

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Ashleigh Blayze, Legacy of the Anari

I just finished reading "Legacy of the Anari", again. Looking back on things written about this Author, it seems they have been adequately admired. It seems that they were moving South, but that is the latest entry I see about them. Apparently there was intention to write more but it seems that it did not get to BCTS. Sad that.

I wish them well.

Gwen

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Covid 19 Vaccine side effects

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I've had both vaccine shots and nearly a month after the second one, I'm still very ill at times. Last night, I finally went to the VA and they said that they are tracking these episodes. Will it all be over soon? I hope so.

Gwen

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Is It worth it.

I used to be a devoted Flight Sim pilot. Then the whole thing imploded and it was gone.

Now it seems that a new version is trying to learn to walk. I have a second computer with two Monitors. It is an i3, and reading all the specks, it will never work. Technology has moved at light speed.

I do not like the very aggressive and bloody video games. They are a huge turn off for me.

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The Unkindest Cut.

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I had read, or heard someone say that Transgender folk have a high incidence of Autism or something on the Spectrum, but I know a woman that spent many years working with the folk and she does not see the connection.

Then I was reading on the internet and it seems to be a popular idea among PhD. Psych. folk that Transgender folk have a predominance of three serious personality disorders; Paranoid PD, avoidant PDs, and comorbid PDs. Someone else indicated that many were Borderline Personality.

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A New Hope.

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I've had new contact with my estranged Son, something I had given up on. He first emailed me, saying he was thinking of me, and tried to talk about my living in sexual sin. Sorry to drop the Religion Bomb on you, but I shared Matt 19:12 and Isaiah 56:4-5 with him, and later I got an email from him asking for my forgiveness.
He can't speak a sentence without using Scripture or mentioning God.

I'm very thankful but I do not plan on a deep relationship.

Gwen

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Must Needs there Always be Fear and Aggression?

Those sworn to defend the world, no matter their country or loyalties, watched, completely confused, as a tube shaped object accelerated, completely out of the atmosphere. A scrambled fighter, one of several fired a missile at the object, but it was far too slow.

Humans had assumed the visitors to be hostile, but the truth was something they could not understand.

We must wait for understanding.

Gwen

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I Need Courage To Live...

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Lots of us are in the same boat here. I am sorry to be whiney. I started Isolating about the first of March and it is getting old, really old. I am very lonely. I get all masked up and go grocery shopping about every 10 days and that's it. I've seen two ads about people over 50 getting together but that will have to wait until after the second vaccine.

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Perverted...

Due to Covid 19, I haven't been out more than once a week, to avoid it, and that is since January. Life is just really strange right now. I've been doing my best to keep distracted and calm, though the VA is anxious to get me on Psychotropic drugs. I doubt that I shall follow their wishes.

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Nun or None

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It's been two weeks since I've gotten groceries. I had to go, or the specter of starvation might overcome me. Since the stimulus there was money to shop. I was poking about for some eggs and then I spotted those precooked pasta. These had shrimp and lobster inside. I reached round a Native looking man to get some. Later we looked through the Cereal together. Then I noticed Watermelon Juice. So did he. A frision began to steal its way through my innermost parts. Later, at the check stand, he was behind me. What would I do about my vow to finish my life alone?

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