It's been really rough for the last year or two, depending. Am I the only one feeling weak? I know that lots of us struggle and I have the least right to complain of anyone I know. Can't even say that I am on the Spectrum, ADHD, or anything. There really is no excuse for the way I am feeling and I feel guilty about it. I'm not suicidal or even depressed at all, not one bit.

I was very late to learn to read and in the early 50s, the teachers I'd had were neither patient or gentle. A teacher I had in the 4th grade, instead of lecturing me, gave me a book that looked very interesting and sitting with a child's dictionary and that book I learned to read somewhat. The name of the book was 'Bull Dozer' and looking, a used copy of it on Amazon is $90. Later in the 7th grade, my teacher noticed my idle fiddling and handed me an encyclopedia to read. By the end of that year, I'd read them all.

To make it short and sweet, I hated men due to my early experiences with them, and I hated being one. The people around me never said I was manly, especially my wife of 38 years. Finally, I gave up and started trying figure out what living as a woman would be like. There are some good people around me, so I didn't do suicide because I didn't want to hurt them.

I don't know how other people adapt to today's reality, but for me, belonging to something or someone makes things easier. Over the years, since my Divorce and being abandoned I've tried a number of things, most of which seemed to work for a while. Some have been frustrated with me because of my penchant for getting involved in belief systems, and generally a Trans person can not satisfy them, or I could not. Both Christianity and Islam did not work out, though it seems that a branch of Judaism does.

No one to blame here. Just sitting here reading and was suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of grief. No Drama or talk of ending it. Just wanted to say how much it hurts.

Had a wife of 38 years that got to drinking. Blame myself for not putting an end to that and getting her help. Two of my Children blame me for it all. One is supportive and loving.

I miss that woman powerfully and it hurts so much. I could never be man enough for her and as it developed, I wasn't a man at all. Just wish it could have been different though. Maybe the hurt will be gone in the morning?

For the delicate, read no further.

I've noticed the complete loss of any sort of physical sexual response when manually stimulating. It seems possible that is due to the increased development of scar tissue around the nerves capable of responding to such ministrations and not due to age. My Brain refuses to acknowledge the fact but there is some hope that reality will set in before too long.

I am more fortunate than many of you who will never get the opportunity to live as yourselves. For those who reveal ourselves willingly or accidentally, the cost is often rejection, exclusion, and emotional torture as if they pulled our fingernails out. Many years on, thoughts of the ones we once thought loved us but didn't don't come very often. Thoughts of ending it must be fought off but we trudge on in the hopes that the past will punish us less tomorrow.

Peace

Gwen

Much to my astonishment, Storysite.org is still open! I first published there in 2001 or before as Credence Brown. I found one of my original stories there called "Swan Song". It is about a page. I remember it as a True Story and it answers a question for me. I had long ago forgotten about it, and at times now, sometimes I feel guilty for trying to be a woman now.

I am grateful to have been at this site for just yonks. My stories have been reasonably well received, thank you very much. No one has chided me for not being the most clever writer, so I feel secure and happy.

Two of my recent posts have disappeared. It is sad that the readership is seen as so fragile that they can not stand an honest opinion.

What ever.

Gwen

So the VA Caregiver seems anxious to get me on Psych Drugs again. It is chilling. They talk about Borderline Personality Disorder. They have grown so condemning and intransigent that I use a private provider when I can. My private Psychological Nurse Practitioner seems more up to date and we've developed the idea that whatever personality problems I have come from Childhood abuse. The VA is very concerned that I not own a gun, and that is confusing since I have no history of violence, and was Military Police in the Army. If I had a broken arm, I would take that to the VA.

I watched "Deep Impact" last night and found it so moving that I deeply wept until I thought I might pass on. I finally consoled myself sufficiently to gain some dignity back. I doubt that the movie will get awards but parts of it touched on things that inflamed Abandonment Issues and other things.

I've seen a few movies that carry the story to a sort of conclusion, but as I think about them, I have seen no sequels. I am very unfamiliar with so called "Fan Fic", so know nothing of the danger areas. Most certainly, I do not want to get anyone into trouble.

The recent news about T folk laws... I am frightened.
It seems that I have never understood being Transgender. Lately, in my reflections it seems clear that as a child I was very mild. The constant violence and hate I faced then caused me to fear and mistrust males, perhaps even hating them. I saw that my older stepsister was treated well and got to wear pretty clothes. I wanted to be treated nice like her. Did I feel like a female? Who knows, it is doubtful.
Perhaps I do not know what Transgender folk feel?

I don't expect anyone here to fix anything. I have to deal with my own stupidity myself.

Being a total recluse only partly because of Covid 19, I just find things to do that are pleasing to me. I write a fair amount of the time but most of that will never be seen by others. Lately I've been thinking about Art. Not the style of famous people, but most likely Native American Navajo and Shawnee Art. I have some plasticized art paper and I don't even know which side gets the art. I started to use colored markers but the fumes from them almost put me in a Coffin. So, now I have some Acrylics and have no idea what to do with them, or what side of the paper they go on either.

I just finished reading "Legacy of the Anari", again. Looking back on things written about this Author, it seems they have been adequately admired. It seems that they were moving South, but that is the latest entry I see about them. Apparently there was intention to write more but it seems that it did not get to BCTS. Sad that.

I wish them well.

Gwen

I've had both vaccine shots and nearly a month after the second one, I'm still very ill at times. Last night, I finally went to the VA and they said that they are tracking these episodes. Will it all be over soon? I hope so.

Gwen

A man is changed to a woman and sent to another planet and made pregnant by an enemy. Later rescued by a friend and both stay on that planet.

Gwen

I've had new contact with my estranged Son, something I had given up on. He first emailed me, saying he was thinking of me, and tried to talk about my living in sexual sin. Sorry to drop the Religion Bomb on you, but I shared Matt 19:12 and Isaiah 56:4-5 with him, and later I got an email from him asking for my forgiveness.
He can't speak a sentence without using Scripture or mentioning God.

I'm very thankful but I do not plan on a deep relationship.

Gwen

President Elect Joe Biden is planning to nominate Dr. Rachael Levine as HHS Secretary. I wish them the best, though I think that some will fight this. She is Transgendered.

Due to Covid 19, I haven't been out more than once a week, to avoid it, and that is since January. Life is just really strange right now. I've been doing my best to keep distracted and calm, though the VA is anxious to get me on Psychotropic drugs. I doubt that I shall follow their wishes.

Out of curiosity, Is it easiest to write about a deeply flawed, even perhaps handicapped protagonist, or one who is nearly perfect, and very high IQ?

Gwen