"Yeah, whatever," he said. "Hey, I can only give you a quick kiss with my parents watching."

I smiled. "I understand." I got up on tiptoe, and he gave me a peck on the lips. Resting my head on his chest, I hugged him tight. Then I noticed that my left foot had "popped," like the girl in The Princess Diaries, so I put it back on the ground and let go. "Thanks. I had a lot of fun."

"Oh," I said. "Remember when I told you that I'm not supposed to date? Well, I'm really not supposed to have you over when no one's home."

"You'll be home," he said playfully.

An upperclass girl came in to use one of the toilet stalls. I didn't look at her, but I heard her sit down. At the same time, there were noises from the boy's bathroom, which is on the opposite side of the wall. In a vague way I remembered Carla once telling me to never use this bathroom, but she didn't have a chance to explain why. I suddenly found out.

"Do you want to start again?" I asked.

"No, no. Let's just... Okay. Here's what we'll do. I'm going to tell you what I see and hope it makes sense to you, because it doesn't make any sense to me. Okay?"

"So," Miranda asked, grinning, "Is that your doll?"

"Yes," I replied. "Her name is Madison. I named her myself."

"That was very clever of you," she replied, "especially since her name is already Madison when you buy her in the store."
 

She started laughing, but I cut her off.

"I know that everything I do is oh-so-funny, but I'm really scared. Should I tell my parents? Or hope that they won't find out? And are you going to narc me out just so you don't get in trouble?"

The Nostalgia Train

by Maggie O Malley and shalimar

After we tried some of the normal rides in the amusement park Eric and I saw a ride called the Nostalgia Train and were curious what it was all about so we went to the information booth connected to it and found out.

"You certainly owe me and your mother an apology," he said. "If you wanted to do this, you should have called and told us before you did it."

"Would you have said yes?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "I wouldn't."
 

"It was pale yellow," she recalled. "I could sort of see it through the dress."

"Uh, it wasn't a bra," I replied. "It was a bathing suit."

"Oh," she laughed. "A bathing suit?"

I sighed. How much was I going to have to admit to?
 

It was a nice evening, and Jerry walked me home. He put his arm around my shoulders and steered me so I could dig into the bag. There was a little coral-colored teddy bear, a brand new Barbie, and a small baby doll.

"Ah," Jerry said, as I showed him my presents, "It's remedial, you know? She's trying to get you caught up on the girly stuff you missed."

"Look, Diana," I said, "I'm sorry I had to tell you no. I wanted to go with you, and I thought that I could." She started to say something, but I put up my hand. "Wait. The thing is, Miranda is smart. She's fun to be with, and she's the same size as me —"

"Come on, Chapters!" she scolded, "Nobody gives a bleep about your bleeping height!" (Yes, she really did say "bleep" and "bleeping"!)
 

"Good Lord!" my aunt exclaimed as she looked at my arms and listened to my story. "How many days is it? Not even four days as a girl, and your life is an adventure!"

I'm glad to say that nothing wild happened in church. No one recognized me; there were no slapstick moments. I think Miranda was a little disappointed, until we ran into the odious Robert outside.

"Hey, baby," he said to me. "Did you get my little gift?"

"Don't call me 'baby'," I told him, "and yes, I did get it."
 

He stopped walking. "How can you ask me that? Have you ever looked at yourself? I mean, it isn't even that... I don't know. How could I pass up a chance to be with you? I remember the first time I saw you, when I was walking up the stairs from the basketball court, and I saw you, lost, in that cute little dress...," he was grinning, and I had to smile too. I could see that moment in my mind, too. "I had to talk to you. I had to try to go out with you. I couldn't not try. I really like you."

When I was finally alone, lying in a huge bed in a huge dark room, I felt terrible. It wasn't just the residue of the waxy toy makeup. It was a crippling cosmic guilt like I've never felt before. I don't pray, but that night I slipped out of bed in my Hello Kitty nightgown and got on my knees.
 

"The only thing I want to change," I informed my parents, "is that I want to go to Lou's party on Saturday."

They glanced at each other for a moment, then Dad said, "As Tinkerbell, or Lite Brite?"

"It's Rainbow Brite," I corrected.
 

"Oh, my God, Jerry!" I said when he emerged, "Everybody thinks this baby is real and that's it's mine!" At that moment, the baby stopped crying and let out a soft coo. I sighed in relief...

Ms. Tandy held up the doll and asked if anyone knew what it was.

One girl said, "A doll."

The teacher replied, "Come on, if it was that easy, I wouldn't have asked."

"Oh! Oh!" another girl called. "I know! I know!"

Having to reveal my thoughts on transition to Saint Nicholas made me a little uncomfortable. I wondered secretly whether he even had the power to fulfill my desire. “Sir, it seems that my feeling that my body was of the wrong sex was prevalent even in my preteens. I suppressed those feelings thinking the it was not natural and a passing fad. As I reached my teen years and found that I would be different from my mates, I found myself questioning my masculinity."

I wasn't sure how we were going to play it, but when Mom reached into the changing booth and rolled my boy clothes up into a tight roll, I got it: for the moment, I was Juliette.

Alice asked, "How will you handle tomorrow? What are you going to do? How are you going to explain to everybody?"

They all looked at me, and I looked back at them. A slow smile came to my lips, and Alice said, "No! You're not! You... you can't! You're not going to pretend to be a girl, are you!?"

"Stop!" I told her. "It's not funny any more. I never said I wanted to be a girl! Or even pretend to be a girl!"

"Trust me, Marcie-Mark," Jane told me. "I'm your responsible adult. You're in my care. And I'm telling you, this will be good for you. You'll like it. You'll learn all kinds of useful things about girls, and you even can write a book about it when you're older.