Chapter 2 — Adagio Cantabile
By Jillian
My sleep was peppered with nightmares. Okay, more like several variations of one nightmare in particular. Every time I’d get to sleep I’d see Joey either attacking me, or harming those around me, or in one case outing me to all his redneck buddies as a transsexual.
It was almost noon Sunday by the time I got up and when I did it amounted to little more than pulling on a bra, t-shirt, and lounge pants and curling up on the sofa to watch some television. I had just about dozed off again when I was startled by the phone ringing.
I picked it up and said, “Hello?”
“Harry, it’s Tim.”
“Hey cuz. What’s the word?”
“I’m not sure you wanna know,” he replied tentatively.
“That bad, eh?”
There was a short pause before he responded, “Let’s put it this way. We can fix it, but it may wind up costing more than just going out and buying another car.”
“Ouch!” I exclaimed. “Wow. Any idea where I can find a decent car cheap?”
Tim thought for a moment before saying, “Let me make a couple of calls. I’ll give ya a holler in an hour or so.”
“Okay,” I responded just before he hung up. I looked at the phone for a moment before placing it back on its cradle. I continued to stare at the telephone for a few minutes as my mind began to wander…
…I looked up from the book I was trying unsuccessfully to read to see Holly coming into the room. Once she knew she had my attention she said, “Listen, I just talked to my parents and I’m going to take Jessica and stay with them for a while.”
“But…” I began.
She cut me off saying, “We’ve had this discussion a thousand times, Harry. I’ve told you over and over again it’s either us, or them. And time and again you’ve made your choice. I’m done fighting with you over it.”
“So if you’re going to stay at your folks, how am I going to see Jessica?”
“I guess you should’ve thought of that before,” she sniped.
“A baby needs her father,” I stated.
“Like you’re much of one,” she coldly snapped back. “Honestly, I don’t know why I’ve stuck with you as long as I have. No, I take that back, I do. It’s because I love you and yes, I still do. I just can’t take not being a more important part of your life than those weirdos are.”
“Holly…” I started. “You know you’re important to me. You and the baby.”
“Just not enough to stop trying to live this fantasy life of yours,” she spat, driving a stake deep into my soul…
…Holly had just come back inside from loading things in her car. She was just about to pick up the baby when I asked, “Does it have to be like this?”
“You better believe it!” she exclaimed, causing Jessica to start screaming. “Now see what you’ve done,” she huffed as she took the baby into her arms.
“But leaving?”
She stared at me icily as she said, “You won’t hear from us again, ever. And don’t try to contact us.”
“But…” I began to cry.
“Goodbye,” she coldly said as she carried the baby toward the door.
I followed after them saying, “Please…” but it was too late. She was out the door and strapping Jessica into the baby seat as I stood there crying…
I picked up the phone and dialed, despite knowing it would do no good. She’d been avoiding my calls ever since I found out her new number, but this time it was different. This time an automated voice answered saying, “You have reached a number that has been disconnected, or is no longer in service. If you believe…” at which point I hung up.
I couldn’t stop the thoughts as they rattled around in my head, “It had taken months to finally convince her parents to give me her new number and now she’s changed it again. I guess she was serious when she said I’d never see or hear from them again.” The tears started falling down my cheeks and wouldn’t stop until I cried myself to sleep.
Once again I awoke to the ringing of the telephone, though this time I wasn’t quite as startled as before. I answered, “Hello?”
“Harry,” Tim said. “I found you a guy looking to sell an old Explorer in pretty good shape.”
“How much does he want?” I asked.
“That’s the best part,” he replied. “Since he’s a friend of mine, he said he’d let ya have it for a thousand.”
“Sounds like my best bet,” I said.
“Yeah, want me to tell him you want it?”
Did I want it? Yeah, but could I afford it? That was a matter up for some debate, to tell the truth. But, not wanting to keep Tim waiting while I thought about things, I said, “Yes. It’ll be tomorrow before I can get to the cash, but yeah.”
“Okay, I’ll tell him you want it. I know the truck pretty well. You won’t be disappointed,” he said then hung up.
I replaced the handset, then thought, “Well, so much for my savings. I guess it was silly for me to be saving up for SRS when I’m afraid to even start my real life test anyway
Finally shaking those thoughts from my head, I went to my old friend the upright and started practicing. After wandering through several classical etudes from the Simandl books, I again found myself playing through jazz changes as I listened to the other instruments in the ensemble playing along in my head.
I went through song after song, until I stumbled upon an idea for an original song, which prompted me to reach for pen and paper. Scribbling away furiously as I tried not to lose the idea in the interim, I quickly had the melody laid out as well as the chord changes. I played through the song several times, even grabbing my bow to give voice to the sustain needed to make the tune ‘sing’.
By the time I realized how late it was, I was actually a little surprised I hadn’t heard some complaints about the volume as it was quickly nearing the noise ‘curfew’ for the apartment complex. Putting down the bass, I then undressed and got ready for bed.
Once again my sleep was filled with a series of unsettling dreams. The least disturbing of these was actually when I dreamt of playing a jazz gig as Hannah. That was the only time all night that I woke up from a dream without my heart racing from fear.
Monday morning brought with it the need to make a few phone calls, since I wouldn’t be able to run my usual errands. First up was a call to my therapist’s office.
After two rings the receptionist answered, “Dr. Tucker’s office.”
“Hey Jen, it’s Hannah Dawson. I’m afraid I’m going to have to cancel on Sarah today.”
“Not sick are you?” she asked.
“No, but my car is,” I replied, trying to be lighthearted about it.
“Do you want to reschedule now, or wait until you know what’s going on with the car?”
I thought for a second before saying, “I shouldn’t have any trouble making it tomorrow. I’m buying a replacement later today, but this morning is kind of difficult.”
“Okay, I can get you in at 11 tomorrow, if that works?”
“Great!” I replied. “I’ll see ya then.” After that I hung up the phone and got on with making the rest of my calls.
Once done with the others I called Tim and said, “Any chance of getting a ride to the bank so I can pay for this Explorer?”
“I don’t know,” he started. “That’s askin’ an awful lot.” I could almost hear the smile over the phone and found myself doing the exact same thing. When finally he relented and said, “I suppose,” I barely prevented myself from giggling.
“I’ll see you in a bit then,” I replied.
“Later,” he said before hanging up.
I quickly showered, washing and conditioning my hair while there, then dressed. I was far more bold than normal for some reason, opting for a beautiful lacy bra for a change to wear under a polo shirt. Not only did it not hide my ballooning assets, it displayed them in all their feminine glory and I was thrilled to be able to go out like that. Of course, it was chilly enough out that I could pull on a jacket, which still disguised my figure somewhat so my concerns about discovery by my family had very little justification.
After picking me up, Tim first took me to my bank before then driving me to meet his friend. I looked at the truck and found myself really liking it. The leather interior was in wonderful condition and the body looked like it had just come off the showroom floor, despite being over ten years old. My cousin had already told me that he’d been the one to do much of the work that had been done to it, so he knew exactly what kind of shape it was in. That was pretty much all I needed to know, so I said, “I’ll take it!”
I handed over the money, then once the bill of sale and title had been properly tended to I took my new truck directly to the inspection station so I would have all the requisite paperwork for licensing the vehicle.
From there I found my way to the license bureau where I stood in line for nearly two hours waiting to pay my sales tax and fees. By the time I’d made it up to the counter and taken care of my business, I couldn’t remember ever being gladder I wasn’t wearing heels!
I was however quite glad that I’d managed to work up the courage to go through the process of getting my name changed, because that meant for the first time in my life I was able to register a vehicle under the name ‘Hannah’. That might have seemed like a pretty small thing to some, but to me it was a huge step toward becoming the person I’d always thought I should be.
Mondays were jam night on the local jazz scene and I was feeling pretty good about things, so I decided that it was as good a time as any for ‘Hannah’ to make her debut. It had been several years since I’d gone to one and as that was my only contact with the jazz world, I didn’t really expect anyone to recognize me.
Dressing up too much would’ve been out of place so I went simple, with women’s jeans and a simple top plus flat sandals. Not wanting to haul a $10,000 instrument into a bar, I opted for my rarely used electric upright. There probably wouldn’t really be a need for it, but just in case, I was ready.
Turned out there weren’t any other bass players there to jam, so I wound up playing all night while making some great contacts for future work…as Hannah no less. The number of comments along the lines of “Never heard a girl play that well before” had my confidence through the roof by the end of the night. I was asked by several different band leaders for my phone number in case they needed a bassist, which I was thrilled to give them.
My drive home that night was different from usual, not the least because the buzz I was still experiencing from being allowed to play as the woman I’d always believed myself to be for the first time prevented me from feeling the tiredness I usually suffered from during the drive home. The rush wasn’t enough, however, to keep me from getting to sleep as soon as I climbed into bed.
Those same bad dreams haunted me all night long, so much so that I eventually gave up on sleep opting instead to crash on the sofa with unidentified mindless programs playing on the TV. Unfortunately, that didn’t make the dreams go away, though the content did change…
…I was modeling a dress in front of my bedroom mirror when to my surprise my door flew open and in stormed my father. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, ya damned pansy?” he shouted as he rushed toward me. He struck me as hard as he could, causing me to drop straight to the floor.
As I looked up toward him he spat, “I don’t want to ever see you dressed like that again! Got it!” He then turned and left the room as I dissolved into tears…
…I was sitting at the table with my mother, saying, “I really like her a lot.”
“That’s wonderful, son,” Mom gushed.
Just then Dad came into the kitchen. Mom looked up at him and said, “Tom, Harry’s got himself a girlfriend! Isn’t that wonderful?”
He looked at me with the same kind of disgust he always did and said, “Must not be much of a girl if she’s interested in a little perv like you.” With that single sentence he had managed to take me from excitement to despair without even trying. Then as quickly as he had appeared, he disappeared…
…I nervously listened to the phone ring as I waited for someone to answer on the other end. Eventually there was an answer, “Hello? Who is this?”
“Mom,” I exuded. “I have what might be good news.”
“What’s that, dear?” she asked.
“You remember that girl I told you about, Holly?”
“Sure,” she replied, sounding extremely bored by the discussion up to that point.
“We’re having a baby!” I said excitedly. There was no response. After a moment or two of allowing the deafening silence to grow I said, “Mom?”
Finally she responded, “Yes dear?”
“You heard what I said, right?”
“Yes, dear,” again she became silent.
Growing a bit agitated I asked, “What’s wrong? I thought this was great news!”
“Oh, it’s lovely dear, just…” she paused to search for the best way to say what she meant.
“Just you don’t think it’s a great idea,” I finished her thought, or at least what I thought she was going to say.
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to,” I responded. “Don’t worry, you won’t be asked to do anything for the baby. I promise.”
She didn’t say anything…
…Mom may have been at a loss for words, but that was not an affliction my father suffered, “What the Hell are you thinking?”
“I admit, we didn’t plan this, but…”
He cut me off to continue his tirade, “Plan? Plan? Since when did you ever plan anything? I can’t believe you could be so irresponsible! I take it back. When have you ever been responsible?”
As the steam powering his tirade began to dissipate the fury of his argument faded, but the one thing that didn’t fade was the obvious disappointment I could see in his eyes. It was after all a look I’d become quite accustomed to over the years.
His lecture continued at a more sedate level, “So what are you going to do to support this new family of yours? Have you thought of that at all?”
“Of course I have,” I retorted. “I’m actually making quite good money playing these days and I’ve had offers of jobs I couldn’t take because of my school schedule. I’m going to drop out of college and play full time.”
“Oh, now that’s rich,” he said with an almost sinister chuckle. “You really think you can support a family by playing in bars? This Holly of yours won’t stick around six months.” The chuckle transformed into an almost evil laugh…
…I woke up crying from the memory of that day. As I thought about it I had to admit that while he might have been wrong about the six months, he didn’t miss it by all that much. Little Jess’s first birthday had been the only one I’d been able to spend with my little girl. Before she had another, her mother had taken her away.
Shaking off the maudlin thoughts that had been dominating my mind, I decided to get out of the house for a while. In a sudden surge of bravery I dressed more femininely than usual and even put on a little makeup before heading over to Guitar Center. I didn’t really need anything, but it was always a good place to kill some time.
When I returned home the flashing light on my answering machine told me I had messages waiting. I pushed the playback button and listened to the beginnings of two telemarketer calls before hearing, “Hey there, girly boy. Did ya get my message? I see ya got yourself a different car. Just remember what I told ya and ya won’t get hurt.”
I wasn’t sure what I could do about what I’d just found out without telling someone what was going on. Ultimately, I must have been struck by a surge of bravery because I popped the tape out of the machine and promptly called the officer in charge of the investigation.
“Hello detective, this is Hannah, I mean Harry Dawson. I have something I think you’ll find very interesting.”
Comments
Well, Now I Wonder
Just what she has to tell the cop. Great story, Keep up the good work.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
don't think I like Joey
Wow, cover a bit of ground in this bit don't you? Serious lack of comment, hmm maybe it jumps around a bit. I like the bar jam stuff having done a couple of those..funny, never saw any upright electric bases but they are a little uncommon. Not too many girl players either, but that's always the way I guess. The bits with the 'family's', parents and wife and child, pretty tough stuff in an emotional sense, but does ring true. I have a feeling the visit with the cops is gonna push things a little. Keep it coming Jillian.
Kristina