Sometime in the future:

Dear Reader: I was delighted to find that this writer account was still open after all these years. I wanted to write this story to tell you something about my family. I haven’t much experience with writing, so please bear with me, okay? I hope this blesses you. Sincerely, Angelina Abruzzi

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Last time:
“Andy? I’m so glad you called. I was afraid you….that you wouldn’t want to talk to me after all these years.” Her voice, while not as melodic as Drea remembered, still sounded as sweet as she hoped.

“Janet told me you were volunteering at the home. This is so…it’s such a blessing after all these years.” She sounded excited, more than Drea had imagined.

“It is a blessing, Toni,” Drea said, feeling more than a bit awkward.

“Why don’t you come by with Janet tomorrow for dinner, for old time’s sake.” Toni almost sounded as if she was smiling.

“Oh….okay. th…that would be nice. I don’t have much to wear…I’ve…well, Janet must have told you?”

Drea looked down at herself. The rust-colored corduroy skirt and jean jacket might look fine for the Home, but not for dinner with her ex. Toni interrupted him with a soft laugh.

“Andy…I know who you are…and who you’ve become. I’m sure anything you choose from your wardrobe will be just fine.” She chortled. Drea hadn’t heard her laugh for forever.

“And Andy…just one favor?” Toni got very quiet and serious-sounding. Drea expected the worst until she heard Toni laugh once more.

“I’ll be wearing earth tones, so wear something in a soft green so we blend, okay?” She laughed once again and said finally,

“If it makes it any easier for you, I can just call you Andy with an “I” instead of a “y,” okay? See you tomorrow.” Drea closed the phone and smiled through the tears and thought,

“For old times’ sake…” She blinked back tears and remembered Nikki’s last words once again,

“Go for it.”

Drea looked in the mirror. While she wasn't entirely displeased with what she saw, she nevertheless felt insecure about her appearance. She stared at her reflection, as if to prompt her image to move away from the mirror and accept what she saw.

"Soft green...hmmm, I hope this works." She looked at her dress, which was darker pastel green corduroy. She wore a brown leather belt and her boots, while low heel still were fairly stylish and blended well with her dress.

"She said she was wearing earth tones. I hope we don't clash," Drea said as she picked up and put on the long cocoa brown sweater coat.

"Not bad for seventy-one," she said to herself as she picked up her purse. It felt odd, even though she had been living as a woman nearly immediately after Annie's passing. Annie used to kid her...

"Sweetheart, you're so far back in the closet, you'll probably run into Mr. Tumnus and Lucy Pevensie if you don't watch where you're going," Mommy laughed. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe was my favorite book and they took turns reading it to me most nights when I was little.

"Come on, Andy...you've got to make up your mind." Mommy's tone sounded ominous until she continued,

"Forest Green or Chocolate brown. Make up your mind, 'cause whichever you don't pick, I want for myself." Mommy smiled at Daddy and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

"I'm not so sure about this, sweetie." Daddy looked in the mirror nervously. He had been letting his hair grow since retirement, and it had reached well past his collar. Mommy walked behind him and wrapped her arms around him in a hug.

"You of all people should know that it's okay. You've been helping kids and their families with this for so long, you should be able to close your eyes and see yourself the way you are, honey." Mommy walked around and pulled Daddy's shirt closed and began to button it. She was wearing her favorite boots. The three inch heels would have seemed a bit much for someone in their "twilight" years, but Mommy looked great, and the heels placed her eye to eye with Daddy.

"Now pick..." She saw he was looking away, and she pulled his face back to hers with a gentle tug. He had tears in his eyes.

"You've got nothing to be ashamed of. I still love you...maybe even more than ever before. Either way, this is something we've talked and prayed about for a long time. And it's just a trip to Carmine's for a pizza and beer." She pulled Daddy's face to hers and kissed him.

"You're still my husband, even if you look almost as good in that skirt as I do; and I love you very much. Let's just go have some fun?”

"I'm afraid, Annie...really scared." Daddy said looking away again.

"None of that, sweetheart. If you want, you don't have to go, but I'm telling you it's okay. I don't mind at all, and part of me has been looking forward to this for a long time." Mommy grabbed both of his hands and faced him once again.

"You've been a great husband and a great father, but it's time we just looked at things the way they are." She kissed him again, this time with more passion, which caused his face to grow warm and dark.

"You're my best friend...we started out as best friends, and we'll finish as best friends, for as long as we live, no matter what else our relationship is." Mommy looked in Daddy's eyes and her own eyes were filling quickly with tears.

Mommy acted like the moment had taken her, and she was trying to put on a brave face to convince Daddy about his decision to live full time as a woman. She had something she had to tell him, but she wanted that night to be special... an adolescent rite of passage over fifty years in the making. She had decided that her secret could wait. Nothing would change what she had to say, and telling him now would only cast a pall on what she had planned would be one of the best evenings they ever had. She didn't tell him that night, or any other night for a while.

Drea looked once again in the mirror, trying to decide if things looked as bad as she thought. A knock came at the door. Janet stood on the front step. She was wearing a nice Navy blue dress, full skirt, with tights and black calf-length boots. She had worn a nice black leather fringed jacket, looking almost like she was going to a Faith Hill concert instead of dinner at her sister’s with her former…well now that was difficult, since everyone had changed since they knew each other the first time around. Janet smiled at Drea and said,

“If you walked up to me when we were kids and told me we’d be going to Toni’s dressed like this, I would have hit you with my wiffle ball bat.” Janet laughed. A lifetime ago, the three played wiffle ball in apartments across from their houses. Now, decades later, three women would be getting together for dinner and coffee; a far cry from who and what all of them had been.

“Give me a sec, I’ve got to do my lips, okay?” Having never had this conversation with her former brother-in-law, it felt odd, but was entirely fun.

“Now don’t let me rush you, okay, dear?” Janet was entirely feminine in her real life; she had been since she was a little boy looking up to her older sister Toni. That night, she was acting almost “overly” feminine; really to tease Drea, who felt awkward enough meeting her ex-wife after years of separation.

“This is difficult enough as it is…would you please stop?” Drea laughed despite her efforts to remain serious. “Say, how is Candace working out? Cathilynn said that she’s been very eager to please and that she wants to help at the hospice.

“I’m actually worried about her. She seems too eager to please. Not that helping is wrong.” Janet pursed her lips in thought and continued.

“It’s almost as if she’d doing everything she thinks we want her to do.” Janet blew out a breath in frustration.

“Don’t get me wrong. With three girls going almost back-to-back, it’s been hard just keeping up with everything, and God knows we could use the help.”

“You think she’s volunteering just because she thinks that we want her to?” Drea asked as she walked in the living room once again.

“More than that…like she feels compelled to…like she doesn’t have a choice.” Janet looked down and away from Drea.

“Like how I was when I was her age.” Janet didn’t speak much of it, but she had been abused by a male cousin when she was twelve. She remembered the eager to please persona that she had adopted to cope.

“You think someone molested her, don’t you?” Drea shook her head, not in disagreement, but in disappointment that one more girl would be coming to the Home with a history that went beyond the already horrible pain of rejection.

“I’d bet my life on it.” Janet said almost in anger. She took a calming breath and went on.

“Somebody close…authority figure, maybe her father, maybe someone at her school.” Janet looked at Drea as if seeking help solving a psychic crossword puzzle.

“Well, I know you’ll tread easy…I already hear the concern in your voice.” Drea blinked back a few tears.

“Sweetie…she looks an awful lot like Nikki…be careful. Okay?” Drea had known Janet since they were kids, when Kenny and Toni and Andy all played in the neighborhood. She could see her friend hadn’t changed much inside since childhood, and still wore her heart on her sleeve. But what Janet saw as a weakness and a drawback, Drea saw as a supreme blessing to everyone she knew.

Janet said nothing, prompting Drea to say again,

“Okay, honey?’ Janet would find a way to reach the girl, even if it was to her own detriment.

"Are you sure you don't want any desert? Here, honey, let me fix something for you,” Toni said as she poured a cup of coffee for Drea.

"I've got to get back. I haven't finished all the paperwork for...today...." Janet's voice trailed off as Toni walked around the table to hug her sister.

"I want you to come over tomorrow, okay?" Toni kissed Janet as her sister put on her jacket. Janet waved at Drea and said,

"Stop by my room when you can, sweetie?" Drea felt awkward at the word "sweetie." Janet had been calling her that since Drea had first started volunteering, but the context seemed odd now that Drea knew that Janet at one time had been her former brother in law. As "sensitive" as Kenny had been, the word "sweetie" would never have left his lips.

“Promise me you’ll be here tomorrow, honey,” Toni said once again as she kissed Janet on the cheek.” Drea couldn’t help but notice how different Janet had become, even in the few weeks they had known each other. She had come to develop a new-found pride in her connection with Janet, even if it were partly through Drea’s relationship with her ex wife.

“I swear…I’ll be here tomorrow…okay...satisfied?” There were times that Janet almost felt that in the shifting of roles and personae for everybody over the years, Toni had become more like her mother than her sister.

“I’ll even bring the cheesecake…we can do the McGuire sister’s version of Golden Girls. Sophia.” Toni laughed as she watched Janet walk to her car.

“Now where were we?” Toni said as Drea sipped her coffee. She felt her heart pounding in her ears, and she had bit hard enough on her lip to hurt.

“We need to talk.” Toni said as she sat down at the table across from Drea. “Okay?”

Janet walked through the entrance way to the home and stood at the archway into the main family room. The lights were off, but she noticed a figure sitting in the dark.

“Candace? Is that you? It’s so late.” Janet wanted to see the girl, so she turned the dimmer switch for the light slowly until she could see her more clearly. She had tears in her eyes.

“Honey…what’s wrong? Is there anything I can do?” Janet smiled and stepped into the room

“NO…I just want to be alone.” Candace snapped. Janet looked at the girl and thought,

“Oh. Oh. Maybe the real Candace has arrived.” She stepped closer, which was met by Candace pulling her legs up and sitting in a fetal position on the couch.

“Say…you don’t have to talk…I have to finish some paperwork. You can come sit with me…I’ll put on some music and we can have tea while I work, okay?”

“Look…I know you mean well, but I just want to be alone, okay? Is that too much to ask?” Candace turned her face to the wall. Candace’s New York/Ponce accent seemed to grow more intense.

“Alright…whatever you want,” Janet said, “You can do whatever you choose. You’re a big girl…”

“Look,” Candace said loudly, “Just leave me the fuck alone.” Janet had struck a nerve; a very raw one at that. Remembering her conversation with Drea earlier, she wondered just what was going on.

“What the fuck are you still here for? Just go away and leave me alone.” Candace was trying hard not to cry, but the tears came like a mountain stream after a thaw.

“Look...you can be by yourself, I won’t bother you…I thought you’d want company, but I was wrong…I’m not here to tell you what to do…You’re a big girl…”

“Don’t fucking say that…just shut the fuck up!’ Candace buried her face in the bolster of the couch and began to sob.

“Son of a bitch,” Janet thought to herself. “She can’t sleep…she stays awake until she can’t help but crash…mood swings…Oh God!” Janet put her hand to her mouth to stifle her own angry sob. She bit her tongue, afraid and almost ashamed at what she was about to do, but the girl was on the verge of opening up, and Janet was damned if she’d lose.

“Oh, come on…don’t be such a baby,” Janet said, cringing even as the words left her lips.

“You’re a big girl…you can take it.” Her words were interrupted as Candace picked up a figurine from the end table and threw it across the room. It hit just above Janet’s head and shattered against the wall.

“Is that the best you can do? “ Janet was glad the room was dim; she didn’t want Candace to see the tears in her eyes. Janet stepped closer to the crying girl.

“Shut up…will you please shut the fuck up?” Candace stood up and started to walk toward the doorway. Janet stood in front of her, almost daring her to get past. She bit her tongue once again and said,

“Don’t be a baby, Candace…don’t you want to be a big girl?” Janet put her hands at her side in a submissive pose, waiting for the inevitable, if she knew the girl like she thought she did. A moment later her expectations were sadly met.

“I told you not to say that…I’m not a big girl…shut up…I hate you…shut up.” Candace began pounding on Janet’s shoulders. Janet grabbed her in a bear hug around her shoulders, keeping the girl from flailing.

“You’re a big girl, Candace everyone can see that.” By now Janet almost hated herself, but she knew the girl was about to have a break through.

“I bet your family thinks you’re a big girl.” The girl tensed up and began to yell.

“I’m not a big girl…I don’t want to be a big girl…I hate you….I hate her.”

“Who do you hate? Why don’t you want to be a big girl?” Janet held her tight, and the girl began to sob.

“Do I have to fucking spell it out? Okay, fuck….Mommy…was….sick….Daddy needed me…”

“What did she do?” Janet was weeping silently at what she knew the girl would say.”

“Come be a good girl…Be a big girl and help Daddy….Oh fuck…oh fuck….NOOOO!” She began to wail and collapsed in Janet’s arms. Sandra came running down the hall. Too many times this scene had been played out at the home. Different girls and different staff but always the same story.

Janet looked over the girl’s shoulder and saw Sandra standing in the archway. She smiled and nodded and Sandra nodded back. She went to the entrance way and intercepted a few girls who were returning after a night out at the movies. Putting her finger to her lips, she pointed in the direction of the back of the home, urging the party to use the rear entrance.

“Honey…it’s okay...it’s going to be okay.” She relaxed her grip on the girl who fell down her body and onto the floor, weeping.

“She made me…Daddy …I hate her…I hate her…” The girl started to wail silently…crying so hard that no sound escaped her mouth. Janet dropped to the floor and hugged the girl.

“Shh….shhh…” Janet said, stroking the girl’s hair. “You’re safe, honey….it’s okay.”

“Please don’t make me go back…please…” the girl sobbed. And then she got sick right there. Janet wiped the girls face with her sleeve and rocked the girl in her arms.

“Shh….” Janet said as the girl grew calmer. She cooed softly in the girl’s ear,

"You’re safe, baby….I’m here.”

Irene was just finishing uploading some Harry Connick Jr. onto her computer.

"Why after all these years does he still go by "junior?" Irene thought when she looked up and spotted Connie leaning on her doorframe.

“So….how did it go?” Irene finished her apple and tossed the core in the trash, quickly followed by her empty diet coke can. She reached into her small fridge by her desk and grabbed another can. Holding it up as an offer, she quickly retrieved another can at Connie’s nod.

“It was okay.” Connie’s voice sounded like a verbal shrug. “I met Eddie’s family at the picnic. His aunt…very funny sense of humor…made me feel right at home.” Connie popped open the can and took a sip.”

“And?” Irene turned her head and glanced sideways as a non-verbal question.

“I met Nancy, Eddie’s sister. She is so sweet. She turns fifteen in two weeks.”

“How’s she doing?” Irene was aware of Nancy’s TG status and that she’d been having some trouble at school.

“Much better and she’s gotten support from the most unlikely source.” Connie smiled and took another sip of soda. “The after-school Bible club.” Connie added.

“The kids are really cool…the club is run by a girl from right here in town, and Nancy says they’ve just loved her and made her feel accepted. Go figure.” Connie shrugged, this time physically.

“And what about the family?” Irene asked.

“They support her completely. Her cousin Gary drives her to and from school every day…you know…he and Eddie have been doing the lawn work to help out here?” Connie smiled, but with little enthusiasm.

They don’t have the resources for her to begin her journey, so to speak.”

“I’ve got an answer for that.” Irene said with a big smile. “Cathilynn wants to keep this low key for now…she’s hoping to get help from some other sources, but for now, today, she’s started a fund, and we’ve talked about who’d be the ideal candidate.”

“What are you saying?” Connie knew that whatever it was Irene was referring to had to be good, but just what?

“Let’s just say that you can tell Nancy when you talk to her that she’s got a “full-ride scholarship to Transition University, okay? Now tell me more.” Connie contained her excitement and said,

“Gary’s sisters…Margot and Paulette, they’re about my age. They’ve taken her under their wings so to speak.” Connie smiled again.

“Okay…I get that…what about Eddie.” Irene looked at Connie with a mock scowl.

“He’s such a sweet guy…good looking…a little intense, but nice….” Connie’s voice trailed off.

“But?” Irene’s question came out much louder than she wanted. Connie looked away, almost embarrassed.

“Well…he’s just not my type.” She said softly, almost apologetically.

Irene started to laugh, prompting Connie’s face to grow warm. She sounded almost hurt.

“What’s so funny?” She said.

“In all the years I’ve been here? We’ve had so many girls here…and they’ve had relationships, you know?” Irene finished her diet coke and tossed the can in the trash.

“Nobody’s ever said that…they may have thought that, but you’re the first girl I’ve ever heard say that.”

Connie relaxed a bit and blew out a breath.

“I just remember when I first came here; Cathilynn reminded me that I don’t need to be anything for anyone but myself. Eddie just isn’t my type.” She seemed to frown, prompting Irene to say,

“I’m sorry, honey. You must be disappointed.” Irene smiled and grabbed Connie’s hand and patted it.

“That’s okay…” Connie started to smile. “Besides…I’ve got a date for dinner this Saturday. Le Ville in town.” Her grin widened as she giggled just a bit.

“Oh, honey…that’s great.” Irene said as she opened another diet coke. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Excusez-moi, mais le garçon est une jeune fille .” Connie said in her best French.

“Gee, Connie, I took Spanish in college, what did you just say.” Irene looked puzzled

“I said, ‘pardon me, but the boy is a girl.’” Connie laughed. “And her name is Paulette.”

Drea had gotten only about halfway to the home when she had to pull over. Her eyes were filled with tears, and she could hardly see the road.

“We’re different people now,” Toni had said. She wanted to renew her friendship with Drea, but just as friends.

“How foolish...how utterly stupid?” Drea said to herself as she tried in vain to staunch the flow of tears. She grabbed a jacket from the passenger seat and used it as a makeshift pillow.

“I’m so stupid.” She was overwhelmed with grief as hope died that night…or so she thought. She rested her head against the window and began to weep softly. A few moments later she awoke to the sensation of someone squeezing the back of her neck…a welcome and familiar feeling. She turned her head and found herself face to face with her wife Annie.

“Annie…?” Immediately followed by…”But you’re…”

“Dead? Yes, Andy…I’m not here. But you are. You’ve got to let go of the past and move on…” Annie leaned over and kissed Drea on the cheek. She looked at Annie and wondered until she heard,”

“You gotta go for it.” The youthful voice declared from the back seat. Drea turned and saw Nikki sitting there with her typical grin.

“Mrs. D is right. You gotta move forward…” She smiled at both of them and continued. “You were right, Drea. Mrs. D is just as nice as you said. We’ve made friends, and she and I and Laurie have been spending a lot of time since I…well you know.” Nikki smiled and patted Drea on the back.

Annie kissed Drea on the cheek...soft, airy...

“Honey…it’s okay…I’m fine…and I miss you, but you know we’ll see each other…you’ve got to move forward, Andy...you’ve got to…”

“Move forward.” A loud voice accompanied by a nightstick tapping the window.

“Excuse me, Ma’am,” said a young woman who stood next to the driver’s door, wearing a police uniform. “You’re blocking this driveway, and you need to move forward. Is there some problem? “

“Oh no, officer…just a very long day. I work at the Home that love Built. I’m a grief and hospice counselor and one of our girls died this morning. I just pulled over for a moment. I’ll be going now, if that’s okay?” Drea said, embarrassed.

“Sure thing, Ma’am….Go for it.” The officer said as she turned and walked back to her patrol car.

The pop of the champagne cork got everyone’s attention.

“Thank you all for coming and especially, I’d like to thank our friends at the Church of the Nazarene here in town for providing lunch. That is such a nice blessing, and thank you for your tireless efforts to make us feel at home here at our home.” Cathilynn smiled at the small crowd.

“I’d like to thank those of you who work here to make this place a haven of hope for those of us who have no home. I’m thrilled that we’ve been able to expand and add to bring even more help and hope to the lost and hopeless. It is with great pride that we dedicate the new addition to the home, and specifically today, our new hospice center. The Nikki Petersen Center.” Cathilynn choked up at the last sentence, but she had company among many within the small crowd.

Drea stood by Candace and Janet as the food was being laid out at the buffet tables for the luncheon. Candace stood next to Janet, her head leaning softly on Janet’s shoulder.

“It’s fitting that it’s named after her,” Janet said as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “Sandra designed the plaque, you know.” Janet pointed to the door to the clinic. The plaque read, “Nikki Petersen Hospice Center. Safe in My Arms, You’re Only Sleeping” with an etching of Nikki’s face and a teddy bear.

“How are you to getting along?” Drea asked. She looked at the girl’s face, and already knew the answer.

“Well, the custody papers are filed, and we should be official by tomorrow.” Janet smiled through her tears.

“You’ve always been a mom, Janet.” Drea smiled and kissed Janet on the cheek.

“This Chicken Parmesan is excellent. How did you ever manage to get this recipe?” Drea asked the woman standing next to the serving table. Nancy’s aunt, Maybelle Sprague, just smiled and laughed softly.

“It’s my grandmother’s recipe…she adds a little blackberry wine to the sauce.” She grinned again, somewhat enigmatically and laughed softly as Drea looked at her with an odd expression.

She leaned closer and whispered, “Sprague’s’ my married name….my late husband, god bless his soul, never could get used to being married to a Benedetto.” Drea looked oddly at her again.

“Mirabella Seraphina Bennedetto, my father was right off the boat from Sicily.” Her breath tickled Drea’s ear, and she put her hand on Drea’s arm and shook it softly.

“How long?” She said softly as she held Drea’s arm.

“What do you mean?” Drea still struggled for a meaning for the conversation.

“You still wear your ring…How long has your husband been gone.” She smiled with a warm welcome expression; not intrusive, but a safe friend for confiding.

Drea’s face grew red. She looked somewhat sheepishly at Mirabella.

“Oh, Jeez…what the hell was I thinking? You work here…” She actually snorted, trying not hard not to laugh. “Your wife…I am so sorry.” Her face grew much redder than Drea’s. The two looked at each other and began to laugh.

“Actually, I take that as a compliment.” Drea smiled at Mirabella, who had not let go of her arm.

“You look great…very lovely….Oh god…there I go again…” Mirabella bit her tongue to keep from laughing.

“That’s okay…some of my best friends are non-transgender.” Drea laughed. She noticed that
Mirabella had not let go of her arm once during the exchange.

“Well, Mirabella Seraphina Benedetto…it has been a pleasure to meet you.” Drea smiled and went to turn to walk away. The woman held fast to her arm and said softly.

“All my good friends call me Bella.” She leaned in and kissed Drea on the cheek.

“Nice to meet you as well, sweetie.” She said softly and then she walked away, leaving Drea to wonder just what had happened. As she stood looking vacantly at the scene before her, she heard a soft, familiar voice in the back of her head say one last time.

“I’ll always love you, dearest…now go for it.”

It has been my pleasure to tell my family’s story. Daddy and Mirabella married later that year. Daddy passed four years later, and Bella still lives in town and volunteers at the home. My son Andy joined the Air Force, and is stationed in Germany. Danny got his doctorate in Psychology. He specializes in Gender Identity Issues and volunteers at the home as well as having his own practice. I hope my tale has done the home justice, as it is a beacon of hope for the lost and hopeless. I hope that someday soon there will be no need for places like it, but for now, we can all take courage that there is a Home that Love Built.
Angelina Marie DiMaggio Abruzzi