Eileen was spending the majority of her time during the school break as "herself," as some might put it. Eric spent all of their time at school, as it were, and while he didn't have many friends, he got out more often, if you follow me. But both of them had one good friend, a kind and caring young lady that accepted both halves of the same whole, and she was comfortable with either of them. Eileen preferred her girl persona in relating to Karen, although she didn't know why. It was likely that she felt more secure and confident around Karen than Eric did, although Eric would be the first to tell you how much he loved Karen Reagan. Like her mother said, and like Dr. Gina Kelly has said on more than one occasion, just love each other as much as you can; being kind and caring, and God will help you sort it all out. Eileen was going to discover that she needed a lot of help in sorting out what she was about to discover.

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"Hi, Bridey, how are you?" Eileen greeted Bridey as she walked into the living room, finding Bridey sitting on the couch watching TV. Bridey O’Casey was Karen’s dad’s cousin, and Jamie's girlfriend. After being “set up” by Karen’s mom, Bridey spent a lot of time at the house lately, and while no ring yet appeared on Bridey’s finger, Eileen (and Eric) expected that Jamie and Bridey would make an announcement shortly.

Bridey had taken Eric aside a few days ago to ask him how well the family was coping with having two children in the house when only one....well, when there was really only one. Bridey did not share anything about her past history with her late husband, nor did she reveal the conversation that she and Jamie had weeks ago regarding his own secret. (See Eileen in Genderland, Part 3). Eric explained that he and his "sister" spend nearly equal amounts of time while home, and that Eileen was spending more and more time at Karen's house.

Both personae had been accepted by the Reagan family; having experience with transgender issues and the like with Mrs. Reagan's brother Daniel, a married father of two and a life-long cross dresser. Bridey seemed relieved to find out how well the family was coping. She only hoped that the "twins," but Eileen especially, would be able to handle what Jamie had planned to discuss; actually show them that evening; something in Eileen’s eyes had helped Jamie and Bridey make that decision

"Eileen, would you mind coming here for a moment?" Bridey's voice came from the living room. Eileen had been reading a copy of Hockey Digest, and was just getting to the article about the Flyers when she heard Bridey's request. You may be interested to note that the two halves of the same child never felt any problem reading or enjoying the interests of the other "half," so to speak, so it wasn't uncommon to find Eric looking at HGTV design shows or Eileen enjoying an afternoon watching a Lethal Weapon marathon. They were at least secure in that regard, but their security and self-understanding were about to be put to a major test; a trial that would threaten to tear the family apart.

Eileen got up and walked down the hallway into the living room where she discovered Bridey sitting once again on the couch, but she was not alone. Sitting next to her was a attractive woman, perhaps a few years younger than Bridey. Maybe a photography associate or a model from her studio. Eileen walked over to Eileen and stood, waiting to be introduced. The closer she got to the two seated on the couch, the more she noticed. The more she noticed, the more uncomfortable she felt, as if there was something she should know; something vital that she needed to hear, but her thoughts were interrupted by Bridey's nervous soft brogue.

"Honey....I'm sorry, but we just didn't know how to approach this. I hope you'll understand." Bridey took the woman's hand in hers. Bridey's eyes began to mist up; mostly out of understandable anxiety and fear over Eileen's response to her next statement.

"Eileen, sweetie, before I go further, I need you to remember just how much your Dad loves you. Can you do that?"

Eileen would have said yes but for the sudden look of recognition in her face as she realized just who was sitting on the couch in front of her.

"Dad? Is that you? Is that you?" Her voice changed in an instant. Most days you really couldn't differentiate between Eric and Eileen's voices, but today was a sad and altogether upsetting exception.

"How could you....What did..." Eric started to cry angry tears, and he said finally, "What I told you...what we shared was special. How could you? You let me go through agony worrying about how you'd feel about me. I was so afraid...." He and she cried together, as you can expect, as Eileen continued where Eric left off.

"Mom hasn’t been gone for…..and you're doing this? You lied to me....I hate you...I hate you...." She ran down the hall into her bedroom and slammed the door. Jamie went to get up, but Bridey held her arm. Jamie looked about ready to give up, but Bridey said,

"No, I don't think she's ready for this just yet. You had to tell her sometime, but she was going to react either way. I'll go talk to her, honey. It'll be alright. I promise." It usually isn't a very good idea to promise something when your promise is entirely contingent upon someone else's feelings and reactions, but Bridey would be proved right...but not that day.

"Go away. I don't want to see anybody. Tell him...I hate him. He lied to me..." She wasn't being difficult at all, and she wasn't being emotional. Eric had agonized over telling Jamie about his need to be Eileen, and he was deathly afraid that his father would reject him. And now to find out that he had a secret that...He could have said something to help Eileen with her fears. He held back...he was a coward, and he made Eileen go through months of agony and fear for nothing.

"I never want to talk to him again. I hate him." Eileen (and Eric) cried harder than even when their Mom died suddenly months ago. Annie didn't choose to leave; she never abandoned them, and would have done anything for her son. But Jamie betrayed Eric (and Eileen). Maybe she could move in with the Reagan’s. Maybe...maybe... It just hurt so much, and she had nowhere to go to get away from the pain. Bridey knocked on the door softly and said in a calm and almost soothing voice.

"Eileen, honey, I think I can help. May I come in?" No voice had come from the room, but a moment later the lock unlatched and the door opened. Eric was standing in the doorway, wearing a pair of sweatpants and a tee shirt. Eileen was nowhere to be found, but evidence that she had been there, so to speak, lay all around the room. Posters had been ripped from the walls; clothing was pulled off of hangers and lay in rude piles on the floor. Evidence of smeared mascara still remained on Eric's face; streams of dark lines covered his cheeks, and his lips were red, not from lip gloss, but raw from rubbing the gloss off.

And the saddest testimony to the pain in his dear heart lay on the floor by the bathroom door. A crudely cut ponytail lay on top of a towel along with a dark green ribbon. Bridey looked at Eric and she herself began to cry. She had seen enough of this stuff when her husband Phi was alive. You may recall that Bridey’s husband Phil had another side to him; she had seen too many rash decisions about how to be and who would accept Lisa as Phil would turn his back on his alter-ego. Regrets would come later for the boy who stood before her; but now he was confused, scared, and angry, but mostly hurt and hopeless. She gathered the boy in her arms and wept with him as his sobs echoed throughout the house. On the couch in the living room, Jamie sat, feeling embarrassed, scared, humiliated and ashamed.

Through a well-intended but ill-timed act, this family was threatening to fall apart. Bridey stood in the doorway, both holding Eric as he wept while listening to the utter despair of weeping that came from down the hallway. Bridey knew the answer was within Jamie for his child; his beloved daughter/son, but Jamie would have to face his own demons and past. Bridey knew that the strength to speak lay elsewhere. She looked upward and prayed silently,

"Dear God, please help me and help this family."

The vacuum cleaner could be heard from the living room; Eric was cleaning the detritus of his understandable yet disappointing anger. No words were exchanged by anyone in the home for the entire evening, and the only sounds that were heard came from the dishwasher, the clothes dryer and the aforementioned vacuum cleaner. Bridey sat in the living room, trying to make sense of it all. Eric had finished finally in cleaning his room; gone were any traces of Eileen; it was as if she never existed. He had collapsed in exhaustion on his bed, and had literally cried himself to sleep.

I know…weepy, crying… too much sad stuff. Life within the broad transgender community may be filled with lovely events of courage and hope, but can also be flooded with tragedy and hopelessness. This family was straddling the continuum, as it were, and this devastating bout with confusion and doubt was made doubly painful by the feelings of betrayal and the unresolved grief over the death of Annie Connors; the glue to the family, to use an old expression. Jamie and Bridey’s friendship was not-ill timed, as you might think. It’s just that there’s always; I repeat; always unresolved grief after the death of a loved one. The impact usually diminishes over time, but it still may be painful though not as immediate and intense as when you first lost your loved one.

Both Eric and Jamie also had doubts about Jamie’s real love and acceptance for his adoptive son, and newly discovered “daughter” as well. So doubt and fear once again paid a call on the Connors household. Only one thing would bring the family together. Like knitting together a rent in a garment, the repair would come from the truth; the truth about Jamie and his past. And the truth was painful; almost too painful to recall, but only by bringing it to light could the torn family be finally healed.

Bridey had fallen asleep in the recliner in the living room, keeping watch while praying for the Connors men. Jamie had changed his clothes and had gone to bed and Eric had been in his room since the early evening of the day before, falling asleep in a flood of grief and doubt about his relationship with his father, which brought about more guilt and doubt as he questioned his loyalty to his mother even as his father was doing the same thing. Bridey fell asleep after about two hours of non-stop prayer. Earlier she had gone into Eric’s room and covered him up after kissing his cheek, tasting the saltiness of his face from hours of crying bitter hopeless tears. She wasn’t his mother, of course, but she wanted for all the world to be that for him, even as she had fallen in love with his father. She had stood outside Jamie’s bedroom and prayed as well for the man she loved.

And of course, she knew exactly why Jamie never told his son about his own past and his other persona. She held onto the hope that her prayers were answered and that both father and son would find the strength to listen to each other and forgive and reconcile. There were two others to consider, as well, even if their counterparts had momentarily abandoned them; there was way too much pain in this family to even consider the “deaths” of two additional family members. Bridey hadn’t abandoned Eileen or Jamie, and by the grace of God she would do her best to see them come home.

The next morning found Bridey busy in the kitchen making breakfast. She anticipated that Jamie and Eric would not be hungry, but she was in no mood to take no for an answer; she wasn’t mad, just frustrated and sad over the previous evening’s events. She pointed to two seats across the table from each other and glared at both until they sat down.

“Only one choice, boys….” She pointed to the stove where sausage and bacon sizzled loudly in the frying pan. The aroma of buttermilk waffles and the smell of fresh coffee filled the kitchen.

“I’m only going to say this once. You are going to talk. No ifs, ands, or buts about it; you will talk, and you will listen. I’ve invested way too much time and energy and love for you two to see it all thrown away over a misunderstanding.” She looked at Jamie, being the ostensibly responsible parent and continued.

“I know this is difficult. It is probably harder that anything the two of you have ever done, and that includes burying a parent and a wife.” With that, she turned her attention to Eric.

“Your father has something you absolutely need to hear. I promise you that it will be the most difficult thing he has ever done, and you need to listen as if your life depended on it, since the lives of other family members lie in the balance.” She smiled at them, but failed to hide the tears she had been crying all morning before they awoke.

“You both owe yourselves that; you owe Annie that; you owe me that, and you owe two others that I love very much your time and attention.” She placed three plates of food on the table and sat down, taking a slow sip of coffee while waiting for the first words. Jamie spoke first.

‘I am so sorry I didn’t tell you. I was so ashamed and scared, and I didn’t want you to think any less of me that you already did. I should have known you’d be strong enough and even more important, loving enough to accept me. And I’m so sorry that I was so scared that I put you through hell. I would have done anything for you, and when you told me about Eileen, it brought back painful memories I thought I had dealt with. Your mom knew about it, and she promised me that we would find a time to tell you, but then she died, and I was so alone…oh there I go. You were here, and I knew you loved me like a real father, but I was so beat down after Annie died that I had no strength to deal with rejection. I was afraid for the same reasons you were and I am so sorry I didn’t give you enough credit, son; I hope you can forgive me.” Jamie would have been weeping by then but for Bridey’s reassuring hand on his right arm. He continued.

“I was eighteen, and just out of high school. I hadn’t found my niche, and I was working….in a bar in Philly. Your mother and her girlfriends were out for a lark one evening and that’s when we met. You know she’s…she was five years older than me. I had….I had been working as…I was working tables at the bar, and one of the guys had too much…he got...”

Jamie’s voice trailed off and he began to weep. The memory of the moment was fresh enough as if it were happening all over again. He sobbed, and tried in vain to continue, but the words stuck in his throat. Jamie had confessed all this in preparation for the talk with Eric, so she took over and finished it as best she could, all the while rubbing Jamie’s back as he buried his head in his hands on the table.

“Jamie…your dad….worked at a bar in Philly. He was waiting tables and the guy got too familiar with him…” She wanted to make it easy, but only a description of what actually occurred would make sense and bring eventual healing; even if it was too painful to hear at the moment.

“Jamie was leaning over to place the drinks on the table and the guy grabbed his crotch and ass. He found something he wasn’t looking for…” Eric’s eyes grew wide as he tried to avoid the inevitable conclusion. Bridey eliminated all doubt when she said,

“Jamie…was a …waitress, not a waiter. Your dad was “back and forth” as some say, and didn’t know what he wanted. He was living in Philly at the time with his cousin, and spent all of his time trying to decide if he wanted to be a she.” Eric’s eyes widened even further as Bridey continued.

“The guy followed Jamie out back and attacked her…yes, her. When it was all through, she had knife wounds in her chest and shoulder and the bastard had cut off one…” Bridey tried not to, but she cried none the less.

“Jamie was left disfigured and near dead. She had managed to crawl out from the alley, where Annie and her friends were walking toward the diner down the street. She stopped and tried to get her friends to help, but they just told her to leave the girl alone and come away. The barkeeper refused to let her use the phone, so Annie flagged down a cab and took her to the hospital. She thought nothing of helping a stranger in need, and left it in God’s hands after the doc said she was going to be okay. The bastard that did it ended up killing himself and his girlfriend by driving into the back of a semi the next week. A few days of phone calls and cards between Annie and Jamie slowly grew into weeks of inattention. By then your mother realized your birth dad got her pregnant and she had her own problems to deal with. I know things turned out okay for them, but then he died and she was left all by herself with a little boy to take care of.” Eric buried his own head in his arms and grabbed his dad’s hand as the three wept together. Bridey composed herself and continued.

“The bar didn’t want to deal with the fallout of the attack, and they settled with Jamie out of court; not a lot, but enough to start the Kitchen and Bath shop he has now. A few years later, your mom was looking for some help fixing up her bath when she walked into the store with you when you were five. “The” story of how they met; only they had met before. Your dad didn’t recognize Annie at first, but she remembered him, or rather, her. She hadn’t meant to embarrass him, but he was a little put off when she reminded him about that night. It would have ended right there, but she grabbed his hand when he turned away…” Bridey saw that Jamie had raised his head and was crying less. She looked at him as if to check if he was alright. He nodded and continued the story.

“She looked at me as if I was the only person on earth. I know it sounds corny, and it was Jamie the guy she was looking at, but she said that she wanted to know if I was okay. Then she said that she understood at least a little about my other…side, and that she wouldn’t mind getting to know…her. I couldn’t believe my ears. Here was a beautiful woman wanting to know the part of me almost everyone else hated. We fell in love; ridiculous and impractical and unrealistic. And I fell in love with her little boy; that part of the story is the best part now, since you’re still a part of my life. And you’re the wonderful gift she left for the whole world. We had decided after a while that no one would understand or accept Jamie, so she just went away. I had buried her in a way, and she didn’t come to mind until you told me about Eileen. I thought I must have said or done something; maybe you saw me and your mom? I didn’t know, and I felt so guilty and ashamed. And you remember how I said I hadn’t slept for a long time after she died? Every night for almost two months….without your mother to save me again…” He began to weep, and Bridey took him in her arms.

“He….she relived the attack; night after night; the insults; the abuse, the….rape.” Bridey choked on the words, but composed herself even as she comforted Jamie with the continued pats on the back. “That part she never shared, not even with Annie.” It was in that moment Bridey realized just much Jamie trusted her; telling her something so intimate yet painful that she never wanted to burden Annie with. She felt more than just a friend at that point and she was right. And the story proved to transform yet another. Eric got up from the table and walked around to where his father still lay on the table sobbing. He put his arms around his father while holding on to Bridey as well.

No words were spoken for minutes, but none were needed. He had forgiven his father and he knew their relationship was restored. In his eyes, his father was brave; a hero, someone he could look up to. And his gesture also provided a means of rescue for his father as well. And he knew one more thing. Once more, as we have seen time and time again, the restorative power of forgiveness renewed the love of the family and once again made room for more members to be loved and cherished.

“I don’t really understand it; some people just love this color, but I really think a brighter color is better,” Karen said as she lifted the brush to cut in by the door trim.” The girls were painting the room after spending the previous day cleaning up and restoring some of the girl’s and her brother’s things after an ill-advised “rearrangement” of the room. Karen was wearing jeans and an old “University of Dublin” tee shirt she’d swiped from her dad. Standing next to her was a cute young lady, similarly dressed, but with a Phillies cap turned backward on her head. The cap covered an all-too-short hairstyle; hastily cut in a moment of doubt and uncertainty.

“Honey, Sandy Beach is a neutral tone, and will set off the Teal on the accent wall. Maybe Coral or Tomato for the bathroom, ‘kay?”

One thing for certain, at least something the two girls could absolutely agree on. They loved each other and they were happy that Eileen had rejoined her brother and father after a brief but almost unbearable absence. A voice called from the hallway.

“We’ll be back in about an hour. We’re picking up the new dresser for your room, and we’re getting Thai takeout for dinner. You two behave! “ Bridey popped her head in and smiled. She waved her left hand goodbye, more of a statement than a salutation. She never got tired of showing off the lovely ring on her left ring finger. She giggled only a little when she remembered it would be the first time out for Jamie; a fun adventure saved for the special day.

“We can watch whatever you’d like when we get back, okay.” Another voice softly said as an attractive woman stuck her head into the room long enough to give her fiancé a kiss.

“I want to watch the new episode of “The Next Top Chef,” Eileen said with a smile.

“But the Eagles are on Sunday Night Football,” Karen said.

Go figure!

In My Daughter’s Eyes
Recorded by Martina McBride;
Words and Music by James Slater
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLS0Y40WwlA

Next: Room for everyone!