West Milford, New Jersey, 2011…

Ryan sat on the double swing on the front porch; legs pushing against the banister to rock back and forth. The autumn night was filled with the sounds of scuffling raccoons down the block and even the alarmed yip of the local interloper red fox. She sighed. The sounds faded as the raccoons meandered off into the next block. She stared at the front door; open to an empty house since her mother was at work and her dad was hanging out with his new wife and her brand new baby sister in the city.

Apart from the eerie glow from the DVR time display, the house was dark. She glanced across the street at Adam’s house and blew out a frustrated breath.

“Stupid…stupid….st…..” her voice trailed off as she remembered their talk earlier that day.

“I….You….. I …..” Adam stammered as he shook his head in confusion.

“Come on, Adam….” Ryan pled as she looked away; searching for better ways to explain the news that just caused Adam’s inability to communicate coherently.

“I…I don’t …. What….” The incredulity of the moment caused his words to get caught in his throat, and he gestured wildly by throwing his arms out and shaking his head furiously. She stepped closer and he stepped back; tripping over an ill-placed ottoman as he fell to the floor. She stepped even closer; offering her hand and he shook his head again.

“I’m sorry. I should have told you,” she said as she lowered her head and stared at her shoes.

“But….I ….I was afraid, Adam….really….” Her voice broke in a half-sob as he sat up and grabbed the arm of the couch; pulling himself to his feet. She reached out but he pushed her hand away. He might only have been confused and not angry at all, but his rejection hurt her just the same as he walked out the front door without another word.

Tell me, what is my life without your love
Tell me, who am I without you, by my side

---

Several days later….

“I haven’t seen Ryan around, Adam,” his mother said as she set the table.

“I thought I saw him on their porch as I pulled into the driveway, Jenn, but he was gone by the time I got out of the car.” Phil turned to Adam and shrugged his shoulders slightly, mirroring in gesture what his wife had just asked. Adam shook his head.

“Uh…I don’t know…. I’ve been busy.” Adam was rarely too busy for his best friend, but to be fair, applying to Princeton along with a few other schools had taken up much of his time.

“Well, I just hope everything is okay. It’s really a shame. Lois is such a dear.” The rest of the plaint went unsaid, since everyone in the room felt horrible that Jake never reconciled with Lois; leaving her and Ryan to fend for themselves.

“How is Mrs. Coniglio, Adam?” The boy looked out the window and across the street as if he could gauge the heartache in his friend’s home. Suffice to say that Adam felt overwhelmed when thinking of how hard it was for Mrs. Coniglio and didn’t even want to think of how hard it was for Ryan.

“A boy needs his father,” Jenn said as she walked back into the kitchen. Adam’s face grew red and he turned away; hoping his embarrassment and even shame was hidden from his Dad’s view. It wasn’t.

“What’s wrong, Adam?”

“I’m….” He wanted to be open. His parents were loving, reasonable people. But that did nothing for the shame he felt, so he deflected.

“I don’t know if the essay was good enough for them, Dad.” ‘Them’ being Princeton. Oh, he could have written the essay standing on his head. The huge distraction came a week after he mailed it off, and the only problem was what to do with how he felt about what he realized only a few days ago.

“My mother told me something that has stuck with me to this day Adam and I believe it will serve you as well.”

“What’s that, Dad?”

“’God forbid you ever get good at lying. It can only get you into trouble.’ Thank God that you take after me,” Phil said with a slight grin.

“I…I don’t understand…”

“You lie just as good as I do, Adam, which is very badly…. What’s really going on?” As he said it, Phil held his hands up and widened the gap slightly in welcome.

“I…uh…Ryan….uh….” He bit his lip. The expression wasn’t lost on Jenn as she walked back into the living room with a large bowl of salad. Instead of sitting at her usual place, she pulled her chair around and sat down next to Adam; close enough to encourage and far enough away not to be threatening. He looked back and forth between his parents and began to cry.

“I….I….”

Shaking his head, he jumped up and walked quickly down the hall to his room. Jenn looked at Phil and he shrugged his shoulders slightly before a wry if hesitant grin crossed his face. Jenn’s eye widened in anxious recognition before she smiled back and nodded. She got up and walked into the living room and looked out the front window to the house across the street.

Ryan had returned and was sitting on the front porch with Charlie, the family Samoyed. The lights were off in the house and on the porch; leaving the boy almost lost in the advancing dusk. Jenn sighed deeply and turned around.

“I think I know,” she said and Phil nodded slowly as he looked past her out the same front window to the house across the street.

“Well, I guess we might put off dinner for a bit, yes?” Phil said as he rose from the table and followed Jenn down the hallway.

---

Meanwhile, across the street at the Montenegro home…

Ryan looked up at the sound of his mother’s Odyssey pulling into the driveway. Charlie hopped off the porch and ran to the van as Lois was reaching in to grab a couple of grocery bags. Ryan walked over and held out his hands.

“Here, Mom,” the boy said. She placed one of the bags in his arms and leaned in; kissing hi on the cheek.

“Hey, baby…” She smiled and sighed; looking past him at the darkness of the house.

“You okay?” Of course he wasn’t, but it was a way to at least give him leave to talk or not. She wanted desperately for some measure of healing to begin, but with Jake still popping into their lives on the rare and unannounced occasion, the process was crawling along at an excruciatingly slow pace. He walked alongside her on the wide sidewalk and up the porch steps. Turning, he smiled lamely before walking into the house without a word.

---

Back at Adam’s house….

Jenn sat on the bed and Phil was sitting the chair from Adam’s computer station. Adam was lying on his back; his eyes covered by one arm as he cried.

“You know it’s okay, right?” Phil asked. Adam shook his head no.

“Adam, honey? We love you. It’s okay. Nothing you could say could change that. Oh, honey.” Jenn grabbed the boy’s free hand and held it.

“Your mom is right, kiddo. We love you. And that means all of you.”

“You…you don’t understand….”

“Help us, Adam. We want to understand….we….” Jenn began to cry. She had never seen her son in so much pain.

“I….I ….” He stammered even as he pulled his hand away; fearing the comfort that would look past his confusion just to accept. He didn’t seek acceptance. He needed them to know about him.

“Do you….” Phil hesitated. The boy was still young even at seventeen. It was okay, of course. It was more about what his son believed about himself and how he fit in. Not just what was going on for the moment or the week or the year, but how things fit for Adam forever?

“Dad….It’s not….I don’t…..there’s…..it’s….oh, fuck….” The boy took his other arm and joined it to his other arm to hide the shame creeping across his face.

“What, Adam? What’s wrong?” His father may have said what, but Adam could only hear the unsaid ‘who,’ and he began to sob harder. He pointed to his closet. Jenn looked over in puzzlement and Adam grabbed her hand and pointed it in the direction of his closet once again. Phil got up without a word and walked over to the closet doors; sliding one to the side. Nothing remarkable until Adam began to shake as he pointed lower to the closet floor.

“What, honey? What’s wrong?” She meant ‘what’s so wrong that you’re crying, but he again took it to mean something was wrong with him. He began shake along with the sobs. Jenn lifted him up into a sitting position and held him while he wept. Phil turned and watched her comfort their son before turning his attention back to the closet. He looked down and saw a large cardboard box; the carton from their audio system. He stared at it and shook his head. If there was anything in the closet, it couldn’t be that, could it? He pulled it out and opened it up….

---

At the Coniglio home….

“I..I told him, Mom…. Oh fuck….I told him.” Lois stared at Ryan and her eyes widened in fear. And the fear reminded her of who stood in the kitchen with her. Jake never wanted to believe it, and she never anticipated what Ryan had told them, but she accepted the fact that her son was becoming her daughter. Rather that her idea of who her child was had begun to change as soon as Ryan asked them for help.

“It’s my fault, Mommy…” Ryan said; punching the wall in frustration.

“Daddy….” Ryan sobbed.

“Oh, honey…nnnno…” Lois stepped close and pulled Ryan into a hug.

“Daddy left because he ….” She hesitated. Even after all the pain her ex inflicted on the family, she found it hard to criticize. Only a wee bit of enablement mixed with her desire to be civil on Ryan’s behalf.

“But Jakey, Mom…he ….”

“You know he said he loved you….he just got… But he said he loved you.” She gasped at the thought of her older son; lost and scared and almost as confused as his sibling. Like someone giving a friend a ride home, he didn’t know the way like Ryan since he’d never been where she really lived in her heart, and it was taking time.

“Adam hates me…. Just like Dad.” Ryan sobbed and shook as Lois continued the embrace; redoubling her efforts with a stroke of Ryan’s hair.

“Daddy doesn’t hate you. He’s just…” she paused as her struggle between civility and reality resolved when she said.

“He just loves himself more than he loves us. It’s not you or me. And as much as I hate him being with Callie instead of us, I think he’s finally realizing it’s not about him, honey. I think he’s getting better.” She sighed. It was another excuse, but it was at least becoming a reality that Jake Coniglio was realizing the world didn’t revolve around him.

Losing Jakey and then his newborn daughter nearly dying to banged hard against Jake's conceit. But even at that, his recovery didn’t do Lois or Ryan a damn bit of good when the girl in her arms was convinced it was her fault her brother died after succumbing to injuries sustained in a war a world away. And his assurance that he indeed did love his sister came almost too late to mend the rift he had created. Sad all around, but nothing that couldn’t be healed….

---

Back at Adam’s….

Adam sat on the edge of the bed in his mother’s arms, almost hiding from the box that Phil had placed on the chair.

“It’s okay, Adam…it’s okay,” Phil said. He looked down at the open box at the contents. A meager collection of clothing that Phil guessed was culled from Jenn’s closet and dresser over a stretch of time. He placed the box on the floor and got into the chair; wheeling over to face Adam.

“My buddy Sal was a cross dresser, Adam.” Phil said as he used a glance to draw Adam’s attention to the box.

“Nnn….no Dad….it’s….and….” he stammered. Phil tilted his head slightly to the left and down, glancing once again at the clothing. He shook his head slightly.

“No….hun?” Jenn said softly as she tapped Phil on the knee.

“It’s not the clothes….

---

At Ryan’s….

“You have to be who you are, Ryan. Not what your brother thought….what your father thinks.” She paused and closed her eyes and her face got warm as tears streamed off her cheek.

“Not even what I think, honey. I thought I had two sons…” she winced at the word ‘had as she remembered Jake Jr.

“I’ve got a daughter, and it’s really time everyone….not just Adam, honey…Everyone needs to know who you are.” She stood up from the kitchen table and gently lifted Ryan out of the chair.

“I think we need to talk to someone.”

---

Across the street….

What I know, I can do
If I give my love now to everyone like you
But if it's not love that you need
Then I'll try my best to make everything succeed

“Phil stared at Jenn, trying to take in what she had just said about their only child. And while he was a very reasonable man, this whole idea made no sense whatsoever, and he spoke.

“I’m sorry, Adam. I didn’t get it. I still don’t get it. But there’s a time for logic and all that, but there’s also a time for faith. I believe in you, son….” He laughed softly,, leaving the boy feeling more awkward. Jenn hugged him closer and spoke.

“It’s okay, honey…. Listen to your father.” Phil nodded.

“If I have faith in God, and He created you, then I have to have faith in you. So tell me? Who are you… not what. But who, Adam?”

“But…. I thought….I’m so sorry, Dad….” Adam put his head down and buried it into Jenn’s shoulder. Phil sat down on the other side and pulled Adam from Jenn’s arms into his own.

“No, Adam. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be…. You don’t have to be sorry for who you are. You’re our kid, Adam…. My son…is ….I guess you’re still going to be my son in a way, since you’re the same you, right?” Adam lifted his head and looked into Phil’s eyes. His father was crying, but the look behind the tears disarmed any fears the boy still had.

“I’m still your son?” He asked; not because of boy vs. girl, but that his father still treasured him.

“No, Adam. You’re still my child…. Our child. Our daughter, I guess.” He sighed. It’s not easy to just say goodbye to dreams and hopes and wishes held close for years. Adam put his head down.

“No, honey….” Jenn went to clarify, but Phil shook his head slightly. Phil knew Adam knew Jenn would love him no matter what. But Phil had to speak for himself.

“You’re….you’re the same kid I took to the Giants game. You’re the same kid who likes helping me working on the car. But you’re the daughter who likes those things….” Phil muttered an expletive under his breath and Adam bit his lip.

“No…I’m not upset with you….I’m just…It’s not easy to figure out what to say when I’m meeting a part of you for the first time… I’ve know you since I talked to you from before you were born, but this is so different. I’m afraid I….” Now it was time for Phil to apologize.

“I don’t’ want to mess this up,” he said, using his hand to gesture between them.

“I just want to be a good father,” he said with a gasp. Adam shook his head slightly and spoke.

“You…you are, Dad….” The name was still the same; Adam hadn’t even decided, but Adam wasn’t his father’s son any more in his father’s eyes. Adam was her father’s daughter. She repeated the same gesture she had made with Jenn only minutes before, but it was all good as she buried her face in Phil’s chest and wept.

Tell me, what is my life without your love
Tell me, who am I without you, by my side
Tell me, what is my life without your love
Tell me, who am I without you, by my side

---

At the Coniglio’s….

“No mom….it’s…. Mommy?” Ryan shook her head as Lois sat back on the sofa with her eyes trained on her child.

“Yes, dear. It’s just fine. And it’s just right,” she said as Ryan stood in the middle of the living room; shaking nervously.

”Time to let everyone know how proud I am of my girl, okay?”

Jenn smiled and used her hand in an up and down motion to indicate her approval. Ryan looked down at herself. The hair was still short, of course, but she wore a barrette on the left side. A nice borrowed set of turquoise studs rested in the holes Ryan thought she had hidden. Her top was gauze; sleeveless, lilac, and nearly opaque; barely hiding the borrowed dark purple tanktop beneath.. And she wore jeans from her own closet, but with her mother’s new leather sandals; the slight raise of the one inch cork soles still manageable.

“Now…?” Ryan gasped.

“He already knows, and if I know your best friend even a bit, I’m sure his parents know as well….

What I feel, I can't say
But my love is there for you any time of day
But if it's not love that you need
Then I'll try my best to make everything succeed

---

Meanwhile...

“What about….” Adam gasped as Jenn stood back, comb in hand.

“You have to tell her, Adam. If she was brave enough to tell you and you care about her like you always have, she deserves to know. And you know what?” Jenn turned and smiled at Phil. He nodded back.

“You…you deserve for her to know, Adam….” Her father’s voice trailed off as the reality of the evening was continuing to press gently on what he thought he knew about his child. He smiled.

“Now?” Adam put her head down and shook nervously.

“Maybe? You know she knows you already, right? And she knows you know her, right?”

“But I never told her….” She began to cry at the thought of their parting only days before.

“I bet she understands. And when you tell her about you, she’ll understand completely. Because you’re where she was the other day? The same fears? You were afraid of what we would say, and we’ve loved you forever. I bet she felt just like you do now?” Phil glanced at the front window. The street lights were on and he noticed two figures walking up their driveway. He laughed softly; a relief that things were being decided, seemingly, on Adam’s behalf. A moment later the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get that,” Phil said. He grinned at Jenn and she nodded back with an expectant smile as Phil walked over and opened the door.

“Well,” he said, “Isn’t this a nice surprise. Lois stood on the porch; her body only partially obscuring the girl behind her. An old friend of the family who stood shaking nervously; mirroring the anxious posture of her best friend. She peeked from behind and noticed the girl in the middle of the living room who peeked from behind her own mother in nervous apprehension.

“Adam?” Ryan asked as she stepped past her mother and Phil and walked into the house. Adam stepped out from behind Jenn and nodded; tears flowing freely in relief as her best friend smiled; holding her arms open in welcome. Both girls were nervous and scared and still confused, but a moment later they were in each other’s arms. The boys who grew up together and played and laughed would still be a part of them, but side by side, the girls would never fear again to be without love….

Tell me, what is my life without your love
Tell me, who am I without you, by my side
Oh tell me, what is my life without your love
Tell me, who am I without you, by my side

What is my life without your love
Tell me, who am I without you, by my side

Oh tell me, what is my life without your love
Tell me who am I without you by my side

---

*Composed by George Harrison or written expressly for Mr. Harrison by other composers.

What is Life
Words and Music by
George Harrison
As performed by Olivia Newton John
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikWfsoDIVBU