The Gowns

If you give, you will receive, dear one.
If you let go, you will lay hold of my heart.
If you change, you’ll be exactly what you are!
If you love you’ll be loved. In fact, you’re loved already!

Prologue

Jennifer looked down the hall; the paintings seem to come alive even as she also felt more alive than at any other time in her life. Bella trailed with her hand still clasped in Jennifer’s, feeling a wonder and an excitement.

You’re mine, you know? No other one may lay claim to you, and none other than yourself can ever have me!

The dream seemed real, but when she opened her eyes, Jennifer lay in the same darkened bedroom; the crimson brocade drapes had become dull, bluish-gray curtains. The walls lost their velvet and gained a dull old beige coat of paint...

White gowns merged sadly into dark green sweat pants and tee shirts, and Jennifer looked around at the décor of the room, which had been transformed from romantic to common and mundane; a boy’s room for sure.

“It’s okay, Jay…Some day, huh?”

Billy held his girlfriend Jay in his arms; the light in their eyes had dimmed even as the sun broke lazily through the gap in the curtains.

“Are you boys going to stay in bed all day, or can I relyon you to help me with the garage sale this afternoon?” Jay hopped out of bed at his mother’s call and pulled on a pair of sneakers. Billy looked up at his best friend and smiled.

“Someday, hon.” He shook his head, hoping that his estimation included the days in between now and just before forever would kick in.

“Someday...”

She leaned back, almost immobilized by the yards of luxurious fabric that swathed her body like a glamorous cocoon.

“Lift?” The voice came from in front and down. She lifted her left leg slightly and felt soft hands slip the white two-inch heeled pump on her foot. A hand lingered ever so slightly with a not-too-surprising caress of her calf.

“Next?” The voice spoke again and she repeated the process, this time remembering to pause a moment with her foot slightly off the floor as the hands paid even more attention to her right calf.

“You’re very tense, Jen…” Bella said as she rubbed her lover’s calf. A moment later her hands had moved up and were stroking the back of the girl’s thigh.

“It’s going to be alright. I have it on good authority that the queen has found favor with your request, and that her sorceress may be visiting us within a fortnight.

“I do hope she will decide it so; I can’t bear to go on any longer this way!”

“Nor I, my sweet girl. I can’t imagine another hour, much less a fortnight in this form.” Bella looked down at herself. She literally sat on the floor, her legs curled underneath her Indian-style. The soft caress of nylon that whispered ever so gently on her lover’s legs was missing on her own as she felt the rough cotton literally scrape across her hairy….

“Billy? Did you hear me? I really need you guys ASAP, honey. I haven’t gotten everything out of the garage.

“Okay, Mom.”

Billy looked up and saw the disappointed expression on Jay’s face.

“I know you think this is crazy, but it’s all we have. I know your Mom might understand, but I wouldn’t say a word to your Dad if you expect us both to still be breathing after you tell him.

“It really feels like we’re lying, Bill….like we’re cheating them by not telling them.” Jay put his head down and looked at his body. Slight and almost girlish in form, it really wasn’t at all bad if he was able to take it further, but he was stuck as a geeky boy with a nerdy friend and both of them were stuck between a rock and a soft place, so to speak.

“You know we can’t until we talk to Mrs. Calveccia at school. Monday….she’s set aside a whole hour for us, hon, and I know that she’ll be able to help us come up with a way of telling them.” Billy shook his head. He stood up and nearly lost his balance as his legs had gone a bit numb. He leaned closer to the bed and pulled Jay into a quick kiss. His mouth lingered a bit as he chewed Jay’s lower lip playfully.

“Do you know how much I love you?”The voice was tenor, but the heart was all soprano as Bella’s breath tickled Jennifer’s ear. She kissed Jen on the cheek, paying particular attention to her lover’s ear until a voice came from somewhere in the distance.

“Billy?” The boy’s mother wasn’t so much impatient as in need, as she followed with,

“Don’t forget to change into your sweats; it’s awfully dusty in the garage, hon. See if Jay needs something to change into.”

The mood had been interrupted, not so much rudely as necessarily abrupt, but still undeniably disappointing. Jay pulled Billy closer and kissed him quickly before hopping up and out of bed.

“And yes!” Jay said as he rummaged through a pile of laundry on top of the other bed.

“Yes, what?” Billy said as Jay pulled on a pair of cut-off sweatpants.

“Yes, I know how much you love me.” He tossed a tee-shirt to Billy before grabbing a tee-shirt for himself.

“And I love you, too, babe!” He smiled, and the face that really wasn’t a boy’s face sort of emerged from behind the mask the girl was forced to wear. A corresponding smile appeared on the other boy’s face, and the same emergence of another, prettier being happened.

Both smiles dimmed a bit and the girls retreated once again as Billy and Jay headed downstairs to tackle the task of the day…a day that held much more for them than they could ever have imagined. Real life magic, they would come to call it; just another way that life in its truest form seems to surprise us with ordinary people doing extraordinary and remarkable…

The Bellino home...Burlington, Vermont...

Jay pulled the large trunk from under the tool bench after clearing a path by setting the numerous bundles of newspapers on the front lawn. He continued to shuttle the bundles out the garage while Billy looked for a screwdriver.

“You don’t have to break it open. Give me a second; I think Terry kept a set of keys for all the odd locks and things right over the…here…” Nancy Armitage said as she found the key ring hanging from a nail on the tool bench shelf.

“Probably very odd looking,” Billy said as he walked up to his mother.

“You know your Daddy,” she said with a shrug. Terry Bellino had died just over seven years before and she and Billy still referred to him in the present tense. He nodded at her and spoke up.

“We don’t know what we’ll find in there; it could be electric fan parts or old fishing reels, you know? But just in case, let’s open up outside away from all this dust.” He blew his nose on a paper towel from the roll over the shelf lamp, and the blackened paper proved his suggestion prudent.

“One second…..” Nancy searched in her sweater pocket and produced a small plastic bottle of sanitary hand cleanser. She squirted it onto her hands and the boys’ hands in turn before wiping them with more towels from the roll.

“Okay, let’s see what treasures we can find.” Billy said, kneeling down on the grass by the front porch as he inserted the key into the lock. The lid creaked as he lifted it, and the bright sun above provided a momentary glare that shone from the metal stays on the underside of the lid. A heavy looking blanket sat on top, barely disturbed even after years of neglect.

“Careful!” Jay said loudly just as Billy went to life the blanket; saying it in Billy’s ear didn’t help at all other than to amuse Jay as Billy nearly jumped off the ground with a start.

“Funny…Okay…let’s just see.” He peeled the blanket back carefully, revealing a garment bag; older than anything he’d seen since it was made from a sturdy canvas-like fabric instead of the cheap thin vinyl you might find.

“Here…..put it over here,” Nancy said, pointing to a folding card table she had retrieved from the house. As Billy picked up the bag, he noticed an envelope fall to the ground; likely stuck between the bag and…another garment bag.

“To my child...” it read in simple block letters, but there was no mistaking Terry Bellino’s writing. Nancy picked it up quickly before the boys could read the writing.

“What’s that?” Billy asked her as she put the envelope in her sweater pocket.

“It looks like an old bill; I bet we either paid this or they gave up trying to collect $25.78,” she answered, quickly adding,

“You know Daddy….he never let accounts run longer than a couple of months….God bless him, he made sure everything was taken care of.” Nancy smiled and Billy nodded before turning his attention to the garment bags lying on the table behind him. Nancy breathed a sigh, her face warm with near shame over the deception, but she wanted to make sure before talking to her son.

You want me to open these? The zippers have little locks on them, like they’re really old.” Billy asked.

“Oh….let me see what the key ring holds,” Nancy fibbed once again. She knew exactly what the garment bags held, and she already was fingering the key on the ring in her hand.

“No small keys,” she shook her head for effect, but the gesture still reflected her feeling as her face began to grow warm.

“Honey; it’s already past noon. We should get something for lunch. Why don’t you and Jay run over to Samson’s Market and pick up some cold cuts and some fresh rolls. I’ve got that potato salad and there’s plenty to drink.” She handed Jay a twenty and a ten before continuing.

“Put the bags on my bed upstairs and run out.” I think we’ve done cleaning for the morning. It’s so humid and it’s supposed to thunder shower this afternoon. We can finish this later after the rain lets up,” She put her hand out and felt the soft sprinkle that had begun.

“Take the Jeep, okay?” She handed him the keys to the Cherokee and kissed him on the cheek.

“What’s that for?” Billy asked as his mother turned to walk into the house. He and Jay followed her up onto the front porch and into the house.

“So now you’re too old to let your mom kiss you?” She teased. Billy blushed a bit and Jay smiled. He only wished his mother was as affectionate; she loved him and all, but affection and the name McCarter were almost mutually exclusive.

“Pick up a bag of chips if you like.” She smiled and sat down at the kitchen table. A moment later the boys were gone and she was alone, with only her embarrassed shame over her lie to keep her company.

She arose and went upstairs. Walking into her room, she closed the door behind her and locked it before walking gingerly to the bed, where the two garment bags lay side by side. Near twins, she recalled, oddly since everything about the garment bags was about duplication; perhaps even deception.

She knew what the bags held; she had helped Terry with them they day they were purchased. Nevertheless, she pulled the small key ring out of her sweater pocket and found the key that fit the locks. Inserting the key carefully, she turned it slowly until she heard the click.

A moment later the lock from the other bag was nestled in her sweater pocket as she put her hand to her face; nothing she could do at this point could ever change what was inside the bags and her embarrassment grew as she slowly pulled the zipper to the first bag down just enough to reveal the contents.

Reaching into the sweater once again, she produced the envelope and placed it inside the garment bag before returning the zipper to the top. She once again locked the bag.

Moving to the second bag, she pulled the zipper down part way in the same manner as the first. She sighed at the sight on the contents of the second bag as well before walking over to her dresser. She pulled the top middle drawer open, revealing scarves and hankies and gloves and such.

Reaching under the pile, she produced another envelope similar in size as the first, but in another’s handwriting; cursive as neat as a pin, her mother might have said, and in magenta ink. It simply read, ‘Welcome to the family.’ She bit her lip as another, deeper sigh, escaped her mouth, followed by,

“I sure as heaven hope you know what we’re doing here, Terry.” She looked upward and blinked back a few tears before placing the envelope in the second bag. She zipped it back up and replaced the lock, closing it with a sharp click.

Picking up the second bag, she walked out of her bedroom and past Jay’s bedroom before walking into the third bedroom at the end of the hall. A few seconds later she repeated the process, except that she walked into Jay’s bedroom.

Sliding the closet door to one side, she reached in and pulled all of the clothes to the right before hanging the garment bag at the end of the closet. She then pulled all of his clothes back in place, separating them randomly before closing the closet door.

She looked up once again, almost as if she had heard a voice. She nodded and smiled, wiping new tears that had begun to spill onto the carpet by her feet.

“I do trust you, and I trust God for this….I just hope we’re doing the right thing, Terr, because one…..you won’t be here to help me if we’re not, and two, if we’re wrong, it won’t be us that gets hurt.” She sighed again at the thought before walking back downstairs.

Years before...Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania...

The woman sat at the table, nervously picking at her fingers; her demeanor belied her garb, which was the clothing of what appeared to be a very confident lioness of business, to coin a phrase.

From head to toe, her appearance shouted professional. She wore a skirt suit; the charcoal grey might have appeared drab on any other woman, but she made it look fascinating. Her blouse was silken pewter with a Peter Pan collar. A cameo was pinned to a pewter satin kerchief softly caressing her neck.

“Stop that!” The woman behind her said with a laugh. “You’ll ruin your manicure, Ms. Bellino!”

“I’m…I’m nervous. I can’t help it.”

“Yes you can; you just need to remember who you are and your calling.” The woman placed her hand on Theresa’s shoulder and squeezed gently thru the fabric.

“It will be alright.” She smiled as she walked around the table and grabbed the coffee carafe off the credenza and poured two cups.

“I look more like a CEO than an artist, Nancy.”

“I know, but looking professional may just be the thing that swings this whole deal.” She nodded and sat down. Her own outfit was similar, but for the substitution of slacks for a skirt. Nancy preferred comfortable, and with her father the owner of the company, she didn’t need to convince anyone. A knock came at the front door. Nancy rose and walked over to the entrance and opened the door.

“Hi, honey.” James Gleason kissed his daughter’s cheek and walked into the house; noticing the very slight but attractive woman sitting at the dining room table.

“Ah…you must be Miss Bellino. I am very impressed with your work. You have a subtleness that really lends itself to illustration; my youngest children really loved your rework of Tenniel’s Alice. You managed to bring new life into the story without sacrificing the connection to Lewis Carroll’s era. I'm just surprised that I haven’t heard of you before this. Theresa blushed as Nancy brushed her ear softly while walking behind her to the credenza.

“Coffee, Daddy?” James nodded and sat down across from Theresa Bellino. He smiled and nodded at the woman whose cheeks grew redder.

“Nancy says you studied in Europe? A great place to glean from centuries of example. I understand you spent a lot of time in Florence?”

She had spent a lot of time in Florence, but not as an art student. She managed to live fairly comfortably in a hostel while earning her keep as a cartoonist and caricaturist at the entrance to the Giardino dei Semplici near the University of Florence where she managed to take one class. Many of her clients were couples who chose to have their pictures drawn after a nice romantic stroll thru the garden.

“I usually don't pander to office gossip, but I understand you’ve found someone at the office already. Excellent. I do so love romance. Nancy’s mother and I travel to Italy once a year just to renew our wedding vows. With a name like Bellino, I’m sure that you’re an incurable romantic as well.” He turned to Nancy, who was bringing some pastries to the table.

“Who’s the lucky young man? Dave Anders in Sales, I’ll bet. He’s a handsome lad, and a real catch.” She shook her head, mirrored by a bit more frantic shake of the head by Theresa.

“Daddy….” Nancy said softly, almost as a question. She sat down and patted his left wrist and continued.

“Not everyone ….likes boys.” She did a very good job of maintaining her composure as her father looked her wide-eyed.

“Oh, my goodness, Nancy. I’m not a fossil. I’d like to think I’m progressive.. Your mother and I understand these things.” He turned to Theresa and smiled.

“So, I stand corrected. Who’s the lucky girl?” Theresa bit her lip, getting a bit of carmine red lipstick on her teeth. She breathed out heavily and lowered her head slightly. Nancy smiled at her before tapping her father’s wrist with one hand. She raised her left hand just a bit and said in a near whisper,

“Uh….that would be me.”

James Gleason turned only a bit red before stammering,

“Uh…..that’s…..nice.” It was only then that he noticed Nancy’s left hand, which sported a very attractive gold ring with an equally attractive sapphire.

“You…you’re…you’re engaged?” He stammered once again. His color seemed to be modulating between her answers as she shook her head no; he was glad for the cool breeze that came through the open window behind him.

His relief was short-lived as Nancy reached over and grabbed his left hand with her left hand, displaying the jewelry. He looked down and noticed the very simple but pretty gold band that nestled on her finger just behind the sapphire ring.

“You’re married?”

He shook his head, and his face went from a pale pink to magenta in a second. Nancy looked over at Theresa who shrugged her shoulders and bit her tongue. She shook only a bit, but enough where Nancy felt compelled to let go of her father’s hand to pat Theresa on the arm. James’ eyes widened in wonder and then in seeming relief as he looked at his daughter and laughed softly.

“You’re kidding…I see. You can’t be married...they don't do that here...Very funny. You had me going. Well, that’s a relief.” He pulled a handkerchief out of his jacket pocket and wiped his forehead.

“Daddy…we….we’re….” Nancy stammered. Up till then, Theresa hadn’t uttered a sound, but she looked over at Nancy before she sighed deeply and said very slowly in a voice more suited for the tenor section in the church choir,

“Mr. Gleason? Dad? We’re married.” It was then, even after several minutes of sitting in the presence of the two that he finally noticed the very subtle but still decided difference in his daughter’s chosen mate.

“Dear god in heaven! You…you’re a man.” It was almost comical; Nancy actually stifled a laugh at her father’s tone as his voice cracked like a thirteen year old boy.

“Y…yes, Mr. Gleason. That I am.” Nancy looked over at her husband with pride; as much pride as a woman can muster when her husband is wearing her best suit. She breathed a sigh of relief as her father shook his head and wiped his brow once again.

“Well, I guess…introductions ….what are you? “ James Gleason was nonplussed for only a moment; regaining the composure and confidence you’d expect of someone progressive.

“I can do this…We can do this,” he thought to himself.

“He’s my husband, Daddy, and I love him with all my heart.” Nancy nearly cooed as she put her head on Theresa’s shoulder.

“He? I’m pretty much a progressive person, Nancy, and I consider myself fairly well-read and open minded. But this?” Theresa read his body language, or at least thought she did and cringed a bit. James certainly appeared angry, and he was definitely confused, which didn’t at all help whatever confidence she and Nancy had until he continued,

“You sure you’ve got your pronouns right?”

“I don’t…what do you mean, Daddy?” Nancy was nearly in tears over what she anticipated was going to be a lifelong rejection of her spouse; she could hardly continue to call Theresa her husband.

“I mean…I can hardly call her a he, can I?” He laughed softly before reaching across the table and offering his hand to Theresa.

“Welcome to the family.” He smiled before shaking his head.

“This is really going to throw your mother for a loop.” He frowned, trying not to spoil the lightness of the moment, but it was something to consider.

“I suppose you’ll adopt if you want to have children; your mother will be happy either way, but she’s only just been waiting for grandchildren since you were born.” He laughed nervously; it was an awkward moment as he was still trying to make sense of having a daughter-in-law who wasn’t a daughter at all from what he knew.

“Dad…Theresa isn’t going to have anything done.” Nancy patted her on the arm in reassurance.

“I’m pretty sure that you have to do something….are you going to dress like this all the time?” Theresa went to speak but Nancy cut her off with a squeeze of her arm as she laughed.

“No, Daddy…she’s awfully fond of slacks as well!” Nancy smiled as her father shook his head in confusion.

“Theresa….Terry loves me with all her heart, but she’s willing to live….we want our own children. Oh we might adopt some day, but really, Dad, you’ll just have to get used to being a grandfather real soon. I’m pregnant.” James dropped his empty coffee cup on the table.

More than a few months later...

“What are we going to do?” Nancy shook her head as she watched Billy crawl quickly past Terry’s feet and under the dining room table.

“We prepare for all contingencies,” Terry said as he sipped his coffee. Working at home was always relaxed and with the benefit of being at home with Billy while Nancy worked. But the odd day into the office to talk with authors; at least for the time being, was always accompanied by male drag.

He hated it, but it was the only way things would work without risking losing potential illustrating jobs. Oh, there were some authors who knew about Theresa, and actually preferred working with her. But some conventions die hard, and she was forced to live between two worlds.

“Well…the Bellino family is an odd bunch. Mom actually sent me to a specialist, but couldn’t find anything remarkable. But my Uncle Nick and my grandfather and his uncle Giovanni all…and several further up the family tree, from what Mom told me. All favoring our femme side.”

Terry’s countenance seemed to change as he recalled his family ‘curse,’ as his brother Marco referred to it. Still in male mufti, he nonetheless transformed in a way into Theresa.

“I don’t know what the future holds for our child, Nan….I just know he’s going to be what he will be. We might never see anything different about him. But I…I have to go away.” Nancy choked back a sob. She loved her husband with all her heart, of course, but both of them preferred Theresa at home; it just was what worked for them, in every facet of their relationship.

“If he’s to discover who he is, or who…she might be, I can’t influence her. It has to be her choice…or her discovery, actually. And she has to know we will support her or him, no matter what. I know this is crazy, but I’ve been reading that there are some studies that suggest that in some small percentage of families; this is a tendency. So we’ll see.”

“I don’t want to say goodbye to her…to you,” Nancy said as she stood behind Terry at the table, embracing him warmly. She began to cry softly as she kissed Terry’s cheek.

“Not good bye…just vai con dio, il mio caro donna!” Terry said, once again appearing to dissolve into Theresa. Nevertheless, Nancy wept as she continued to hold Terry in her arms.

“It’s going to be okay, honey. Billy will be okay and so will you.” It was almost as if both halves of him were saying good bye.

A few years later, Burlington, Vermont...

“Billy, can you get the door? I’m in the laundry.” Nancy called from the rear of the house. Billy got up and walked to front door and peered through one of the windows flanking the doorway.

“Mom…it’s a policeman,” the boy shouted as he opened the front door.

“He…hi…hey, what’s your name?” The officer said.

“Billy…Billy Bellino. Do you need to see my mom?” The boy was only seven, but he was smart enough to realize the policeman was there for something that required an adult, and his father was at the office. A moment later his mother walked to the door and stood behind Billy, her arms draped over his shoulders.

“Are you Nancy Bellino?” The officer asked before blowing out a breath. Nancy stepped closer to Billy and held him tightly.

“Yes…what…is something wrong?”

“I’m afraid there’s been an accident on I89…..your husband Terrence?” She put her hand to her mouth to stifle a sob as she nodded.

“I’m so sorry, Mrs. Bellino. Oh, jeez,” the officer said as he realized the boy was still standing there.

“Mom…Mom?” The boy turned to see his mother’s face; etched with grief and a look Billy would swear for the rest of his life was the most precious thing he had ever seen as his mother’s love for his father seemed to push the grief quickly aside in a moment of peace.

“I’m sorry, Ma’am….truly sorry. We’ll need you to come to…”

“It’s alright, officer…it truly is.” She was crying, but seemed to have a strength that no one would be able to understand unless they knew Terry and Nancy. She knelt down and hugged Billy.

“They’re gone, aren’t they?” Billy asked. He looked at the face of the officer, who was confused and quickly said instead,

“Daddy’s gone?” Nancy nodded and the boy burst into tears. She pulled him closer and held him as the officer stood back away from the door to give them space. His partner put her head down and began to cry softly.

“Yes, honey, he’s gone.” She wept almost in harmony with her son, but as her sobs abated she realized just what Billy had asked at first. She shook her head; only with a bit of denial, but mostly in amazement at her son’s perception. From the moment Theresa had gone away’ when Billy was nine months old to that moment, she was never seen again.

And Nancy repeated her son's astute and entirely unexpected observation.

"They're gone!"

The Blessing!

A few days later, Burlington, Vermont...

The funeral arrangements threw Nancy into a whirlwind that pulled Billy along as well; it felt like his mother had no time for him until she just stopped in the middle of talking on the phone with the church.

“I have to call you back, okay? My son needs me…yes…oh thank you…yes…this afternoon…thank you.” She hung up the phone and turned to see Billy standing by the large bay window in the living room.

He pointed outside to the large red maple that stood next to the front walk; its leaves providing shade on the warm day.

“There, Mommy!” he said with almost a lilt in his voice, like he was singing one of the songs he had heard on Sesame Street.

“The maple tree? What did you see there?” Nancy walked over and knelt on one knee next to him and put her arm around him. Her right hand was up over her brow, more from shading her eyes from the glare, but it looked like she and Billy were scouting for a place. He pointed again.

“Right there, Mommy….they stood right there.” Nancy shook her head slightly.

“I don’t understand, baby boy. Who did you see?” Billy was a perceptive kid, and very inquisitive, but his wisdom and perception seem to go well beyond his seven years. If he said he saw someone, then he did.

“Daddy and the lady….they stood there…” He turned away, and his eyes filled with tears. Nancy wanted to know what he meant, but attending to his grief was more important, and likely would be very important and urgent in the days and months to come.

“I miss Daddy too, honey.” She wanted to be strong for her son, but really needed to cry in front of him; her own tears giving him permission to shed his own. She put her arms around him and spoke softly in his ear.

“I miss Daddy every day, Billy, and I cry all the time when you’re not around.”

“It’s okay to cry, Mommy. I miss Daddy so much…and I cry a lot.” He almost laughed, but her warm embrace seemed to break the wall between them, and he burst into tears, leaving his mother to follow along with gentle sobs of her own as she stroked his hair.

“It’s going to be alright, honey. I promise.” She said haltingly between sobs.

“I promise.” She hugged him tight, and it seemed almost like a dream as she heard ‘Theresa’s’ last words to her before that part of Terry went away.

“Vai con dio, il mio caro donna!” The words spoke silently in her heart; the love of her life speaking words of comfort from beyond until Billy pulled at her blouse sleeve to get her attention. She felt sad that the moment had come and gone so swiftly; almost a parallel to Terry’s all too brief time on earth.

“Yes, honey?” She pulled a hankie out of the pocket of her cardigan and wiped her eyes before wiping Billy’s eyes and nose. He smiled with an inquisitive look, as if he knew a secret that he was anxious to tell. He looked out the window and pointed once again.

“The lady with Daddy….she just said something….I don’t know what…the words were….like Aunt Marie.”

“Can you say what she said?” Billy smiled; he was good at listening and remembering…very good, in fact.

“Ah….ve con….vay con deo?” Nancy put her hand to her mouth and gasped.

“Did she say?” Billy had turned his attention to the tree once again. Nancy touched his cheek softly and he turned his attention to her once again.

“Honey…did she say anything else?” Nancy turned toward the tree as Billy focused his gaze on the spot where he last saw his father.

“I don’t …uh….” He began to cry once again, as if a seven-year old should have known.

“Mommy? What does cara mio…uh Il cara mio donna mean?” Nancy felt a chill up her back, but it was almost a welcome if eerie feeling as she took in just what had happened.

“Mommy…” She turned to face him and he had stopped crying. He looked once again out the window, but his focus was on the front steps of the house. Nancy saw nothing but the walk up to the porch, but Billy was very excited. He pointed at the front porch once again and then stopped suddenly.

“Oh…” He looked back at his mother and frowned, but then half-smiled; almost blissful.

“What, honey?” Nancy stood up and led Billy to the front door. Opening it, she saw nothing out of the ordinary. Billy tugged at the soft wool that had bunched at the elbow of her cardigan.

“She went away.”

“Who went away?”

“The lady with Daddy? She was here.” Billy peeked out from behind Nancy and stared at the empty porch.

“I know, honey…you told me that already.”

“No…not then. She was here. Just now, Mommy. Just now.” He pulled at her sweater and pointed to one of the porch columns next to the steps and continued,

“Right there. She stood right there.” He was almost frantic, and went out to the porch and looked up and down.

“She’s not here, Mommy…she went away…she talked to me and then she went away.” Nancy knew that the past several days had been rough on the boy, but would never have guessed that he’d see imaginary people who talked; until she recalled the words the woman….the lady he saw had spoken?

Vai con dio, il cara mio donna? She shook her head and went to turn away, almost afraid of what everything meant…and maybe would mean.

“Mommy?” She felt the tug on her sleeve once again and turned; almost impatient, but not with him. Her heart was aching more than at any other time in her life. But for Billy’s sake, she had to be strong, and she took a deep breath.

“Yes, honey?”

“Who’s Theresa?” Nancy started to shake as the word…the name that had not been spoken in years was uttered by her only child; the child who had never met the woman who owned that name. She went to say something, but the words seemed to almost vanish in thin air before even being spoken. And she shook even more, causing the boy to grab her hands with his and look up.

“I’m sorry Mommy. I didn’t want to make you sad….Mommy…the lady….just now…she said her name was Theresa.” It would have been enough for Nancy that one last time; the name seemed to permeate her soul as she recalled the absolute love she had for the one who held that name; the sheer bliss of knowing and being known.

But it didn’t end there. Billy shook his hands up and down, trying to get her attention. She opened her eyes, realizing only at that moment that she had almost drifted away. He smiled and let go of her left hand and pointed to the edge of the porch by the steps.

“There. Mommy….she …she said that she …brought this for you.” Nancy looked at Billy and tilted her head before turning her attention to where Billy was pointing. On the porch, just in front of the steps was one single white rose. Billy looked back in time just to catch his mother to break her fall as she fainted straight away. He didn’t panic, but instead just sat down next to her and held her hand.

“It’s okay, Mommy…it’s okay.” He smiled and looked into his mother’s face and while she had scared him a little just then, her expression calmed him and helped him feel good, since she had the most peaceful look he had ever seen.

Goodbye Means Hello..

There’s something about earnest conversations between parent and child; age and experience often seem to move reluctantly into the background while wonder and magic come to the fore front. Billy sat on the top step of the porch next to his mother, patting her hand as if to help her revive from some spell. It almost invited a ‘there, there’ from the boy. She leaned sideways and put her arm around him, pulling him into a hug.

“The lady looked like she knew me, Mommy. Who is she?” No ‘Why did she disappear into thin air, Mommy.’ No frightened stares or sad weeping, but a look of puzzled glee, like a game to be played out in a way that was more entertaining than mysterious.

“Honey? She does know you. And she loves you very much.” Nancy brushed the hair out of the boy’s eyes. ‘He needs a haircut,’ she thought absentmindedly, but her heart corrected her immediately as she recalled just how much he resembled his father.

“I don’t know her, Mommy, but she looks like someone I should know? Do I know her?” Billy looked off into space; almost like he was searching for another hint or trace of the woman. Nancy took her hand and pushed his hair behind his ear; a tender gesture that seemed to be more of need for her than for him. He looked into her eyes and smiled.

“Yes, honey…you do, and she knows you. She held you the day you were born.” What might have been a bittersweet or even very sad moment became something special; hope and promise both as strong as any moment ever. She nevertheless choked back a sob; weeping usually is reserved for sadness, but at that moment Nancy was overwhelmed with a calmness and assurance in the midst of their grief. She recalled the day Billy was born.

“I don’t know what the future holds for our child, Nan….I just know he’s going to be what he will be. We might never see anything different about him. But I…I have to go away.” Nancy choked back a sob. She loved her husband with all her heart, of course, but both of them preferred Theresa at home; it just was what worked for them, in every facet of their relationship.

“If he’s to discover who he is, or who…she might be, I can’t influence her. It has to be her choice…or her discovery, actually. And she has to know we will support her or him, no matter what. I know this is crazy, but I’ve been reading that there are some studies that suggest that in some small percentage of families; this is a tendency. So we’ll see.”

“I don’t want to say goodbye to her,” Nancy said as she stood behind Terry at the table, embracing him warmly. She began to cry softly as she kissed Terry’s cheek.

“Not good bye…just vai con dio, il mio caro donna!” Terry said, once again appearing to dissolve into Theresa. Nevertheless, Nancy wept as she continued to hold Terry in her arms.

“It’s going to be okay, honey. Billy will be okay and so will you.” It was almost as if both halves of him were saying good bye.

The moment of truth seemed to have arrived so much quicker than anyone had expected. Nancy took a deep breath and pointed out across the yard, as if the woman was still standing there; the boy would likely still remember her appearance clearly.

“She’s part of you, and you her, Billy, honey. Do you understand?” She wanted to hold him and speak the truth to him, but something inside; something that had been inside her for a very long time….it cautioned her to allow him to discover by his own answers instead of her explaining. She had to allow him to find out for himself.

“She said her name was Theresa. Daddy’s name is Terrence.” Nancy shuddered; the boy would forever think of his father in the here and now, which is as it should be, she thought. He smiled as she nodded.

“Daddy doesn’t have a sister, Mommy.” His eyes widened and he smiled, as if he had discovered a treasure. And of course he had.

“Theresa is just like me, Mommy. Right?” Nancy knew where he was going with it, even though he had never talked about it before.

“What do you mean, honey?” Again, no leading or directing; it had to come from him. He smiled as if to say, ‘what do YOU mean?’ It was plainly apparent, wasn’t it? Didn’t she know?

“Mommy? I feel funny inside.” It would have sounded like a complaint; like a tummy ache or the flu, but his face beamed in a broad smile as she nodded. She had witnessed the same look years before, and was glad, even it would mean lots of challenges for both of them as he finished.

“Not a bad kind of funny. I…I don’t feel like a boy anymore. I feel like…I don’t know…it feels funny but it feels good?” He actually arched his eyebrow; an expression totally foreign for an seven-year-old, but so much like his father as he said at last,

“I feel like a girl.”

Several years later...

“Hey, can Jay stay for dinner?” Billy called to Nancy as she put her purse down on the kitchen counter.

“S’ok with me, baby….your turn to cook, right? And ‘hey’ is for horses!” she quipped. Billy smiled and turned to his best friend for all of six days. Jay and his mother had moved into the neighborhood and the two hit it off.
Nothing at first glance would reveal anything about either boy that seemed out of place or odd. And what they shared wasn’t so much odd as it was uncommon. At that point, Nancy was already aware of her son’s unusual desire; nothing so much as a want, but an earnest thirst to be whom he was always meant to be, even if that meant taking after his father.

“Jay’s mom is a nurse, mom. She works at the Children’s Center just like you.”

“That’s terrific, honey. Maybe she can come for dinner sometime. Your father, too, Jay, okay?” The boy had just walked into the room and immediately his smile turned to a frown.

“Mom…” Billy shook his head and Nancy nodded. The boy looked almost as sullen as sad and she suspected the boy’s father had departed of his own volition. Still, both boys lost their father; perhaps something was redeemable from their shared sadness. Billy had grown very strong in his self, and maybe he could impart some of that strength to his friend.

“It’s okay, Billy. Daddy’s living in Maine with his girlfriend and her kids. It sucks.” Jay’s voice cracked; it wasn’t okay at all. Nancy didn’t know the child but for the few times she’d greeted him at the back step with lemonade and cookies for the two of them.

She stepped closer and tilted her head; almost asking for permission to provide some comfort. The boy was reluctant to step closer; too many disappointments following many more promises. She nodded.

“I’d really love to meet your Mom. I think we have your number; I’ll give her a call later. But for now, why don’t you and Billy try out that new game he got, okay?” Nancy wasn’t what anyone would call very well off, but well off enough after her father’s help and Terry’s insurance; she worked part-time schedule at the hospital and was able to be home for Billy most of the time.

“Okay, Mrs. Bellino. Can my uncle come too? He’s visiting from England.”

“Your family is British?”

“Nah…he works for the Air Force and they’re training on a new plane. He’s a pilot.”

“Well, any uncle of yours is an uncle of ours,” she joked, getting the boy to smile.

“We’ll plan for Saturday, if that’s okay with them?” Nancy smiled at the boy, relieved that he wasn’t going to be stuck in the doldrums all day; a bit for Billy’s sake but mostly because she hated to see kids hurt. Jay nodded and the two ran off to play.

Friday evening...

“Billy? Do you think ….can we?” The boy blushed; most of what he wanted to do made him feel ashamed and even a great deal scared. His father had blamed him for the breakup; something about how his wife was supposed to give him a son.

That his father was oblivious to information about genetics that even Jay understood was hard enough; it was even harder for Jay because he actually agreed with his father to a point. While it might not have been anyone’s fault that he wasn’t much of a boy, neither did he mind at all. In fact, if he had his way…if wishes were granted to sad kids who sit home scared and ashamed? He would be a girl, and not a moment too soon.

He remembered lying awake in bed one night when his father had gone on a tirade about how ‘odd that boy is.’ He was all of six years old. Most boys, perhaps, would have wished to be bigger and stronger and rougher and whatever else boys are supposed to be. Jay had pulled his stuffed dog closer and closed his eyes.

He prayed a prayer that he repeated every single night of his life from that moment on. Unable to muster the faith to believe, he nevertheless was so sad and desperate as to keep trying; to keep that hope alive that somehow God heard his prayers and would answer them one day.

“Dear God….I don’t want to be a boy. I don’t feel like a boy. Please let me be a girl.” That last plea; a subtle difference from what some folks might believe. He didn’t ask God to make him a girl. He wanted to be…to exist…to live her life. He had even picked a name. Jennifer. As far as Jay was concerned he…she was Jennifer.

So each night Jennifer would pray that prayer that sought divine assistance in becoming. And each night she would cry herself to sleep believing that an angry God made her to be a boy and that would never ever change. Then one day Jay met his best friend ever… a boy just like himself.

They liked the same shows and the same games and the same color. And thankfully, Jay found the courage to be himself because Billy was brave enough and had that support from his mother to impart the same strength to Jay.

“I’m a girl.” Billy had said quite casually, as if nothing and everything mattered. Something inside him kept him in check; no other person would know that fact other than his mother, from what he understood.

But there was just something about Jay that practically screamed ‘trust me…I know how you feel.’ And this coming from a boy who wanted to be a girl but was smart enough at eleven to know that no one besides his mother should ever hear those words.

But Billy’s oddly familiar grin helped Jay see himself; a sort of mirror image to his disappointment and pain that eased whatever doubts remained. And so a friendship of sorts was formed; more than that, an odd alliance of two boys who knew that life could be exactly what they hoped for.

“Mom says so long as I keep things quiet and at home I should be okay.” Billy said as he slid open the left door to his closet, revealing something other than hangers with jeans and shirts. The wardrobe was a bit sparse, but it was all his.

There in all their resplendence hung a few skirts and some tops and even a couple of dresses. A closet nearly filled with clothes that would perhaps even bore most girls delighted the two as Jay sprang to his feet and ran to the closet.

“I told you…it’ll be okay.” Billy said as he pointed into the closet. “You pick first. You’re the guest.” Jay smiled and blinked back a few tears. The clothes were used and hardly fashionable enough to gain most girls’ attention.

But it was more….much much more about the acceptance he had feared he would never receive that brought him to tears. Billy hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. It was foreign and at the same time a completely familiar gesture that began something both would call the most precious moment of their lives.

Saturday...

"Hello." The man at the door greeted Nancy with a warm smile. He looked like an only slightly taller 'rougher version of the woman standing next to him. He held his hand back and only offered it after Nancy went to shake his in greeting.

"You know Jay’s mom Marnie? I’m her brother. Pat Armitage." His shake was firm, but nowhere near the macho greeting Nancy expected. And while he was taller than his sister, he was still literally eye to eye with Nancy.

Many folks are under the impression from television and movies that pilots are big men. Some are, but test pilots and military pilots tend to be on the smaller side due to the size of the cockpit, which in itself is as ironic an observation as you might find.

"I'm so glad Jay has someone to hang around with. Nice kids; both of them." Pat said. Marnie smiled at her big brother, hoping that he and Nancy might somehow hit it off. In only a few days, the families seemed to have knitted together, as if they'd been life-long friends. And

Billy had hoped for someone special since Terry had passed. His mother was more than special to him and to his late father, and only the right person would do. He turned to Jay as the three adults walked into the kitchen; nodding with a big, knowing grin. Jay mirrored Billy's smile and nod; unknowingly agreeing with whatever or whomever ruled their universe; Pat was a keeper, and not for any of the reasons any of them would have ever dreamt.

A few months later...

“You like boys?” Jenny asked as she poured herself some Root Beer. Bella shook her head no. Not the ‘boys are icky’ denial; they could be at times, but then so could everybody, right? It was the kind of ‘no’ that needed elaboration.

She smiled at Jenny and looked out the window, seeking the words to help her feel less foolish. It was difficult enough, even with the support of her mother, to feel secure in herself. This went beyond anything she had ever discussed with her mother; something that maybe only a BFF could understand.

“It’s like….you know Tommy Pelle? How cute he is? Because he doesn’t …he isn’t….” Bella’s face reddened.

“Like he’s like us?” Jay slipped out of strictly Jennifer-mode and answered the question sincerely.

“Mostly… I don’t think he’d want to be like us? But he’s a lot like how most people would see us if they saw us now? I don’t want to grow up and marry someone handsome. I don’t” Bella put her chin down against her chest to keep from quivering, but she began to cry softly. It’s so hard to believe for anything when you feel like you don’t fit in or deserve what other’s have.

“What do you want, Billy?” Jay lapsed again, but it was really to give his best friend the freedom to be himself, whatever that actually was. At twelve, they had little doubt that things would be painful and disappointing for them under the best of circumstances.

But like a true friend, Jay wanted to believe all things good for his best friend. Billy continued to whimper a bit; not a mewling whimper, but the soft cry of someone prepared to grieve for what was yet to come.

Nancy was walking past Billy’s room and heard the exchange. She paused at the doorway as Billy continued.

“I….” He paused and wiped his face with the sleeve of his sweater.

“I saw a movie….the little girl at the beginning grows up and marries the boy at the soda fountain. And she says...” Billy began to sob. He felt oh so foolish and scared and sad and foolish all over again. A voice came from behind, speaking softly through her own tears.

“And she says….”

Nancy stepped close behind Billy and put her arms around her child, beckoning Jay to come closer. The boy walked slowly toward them and Nancy put her hand out, grasping Jay’s hand and pulling him close. She spoke, having remembered the very scene Billy struggled to describe.

“She says…she actually whispers in the boy’s ear, 'I’m gonna love you till the day I die.'" Billy began to sob, more out of relief but still fearful because up was down and black was white and ‘wrong,’ however un-wrong it actually was, had become right.

Jay looked into her eyes and then into Billy’s and back again at Nancy. At almost thirteen years of age, life had just become painfully wonderful for two boys; a life long journey that would lead them down marble hallways in mansions in the sky, so to speak. Nancy kissed Billy on top of the head and stared back through mothering eyes and nodded ‘yes’ to Jay.

And Jay smiled broadly before bursting into joyful tears.

Looking in a looking glass
Do I have to ask myself
Who I really am
It's easy just to wear a smile
And hope that maybe
I can hide the struggles in me
Love has to make a choice
Following one voice
That our hearts long to hear

Not long after, at Pete Armitage’s apartment.

“Sunday? Sure. I can…Shiraz? Okay.” He paused and stared out his front window as if he could see all the way back to Nancy’s home.

“Talk? Uh…” He took a deep breath; hoping to gain the courage to ask Billy permission to join the family. He had come to love the child even as he tried to make sense of it all.

“Just you? Okay.” It immediately felt awkward. He needed to be accepting; his sister had helped him get to know his nephew’s softer side, but to become a parent?

“Okay. Six? Sure. Love you!” Pete rung off, feeling entirely incapable. He sighed heavily before sitting down at his kitchen table. Not one for much prayer, he still felt the need for spiritual guidance. Nancy didn’t speak much of her late husband other than to say he was unique and the greatest blessing of her life.

“Big shoes,” he muttered. He grabbed the mug of still- warm coffee and took a draught.

“You don’t know the half of it,” a voice came from his right. He turned to see a fairly attractive if somewhat translucent woman sitting calmly; as if she was always in the business of visiting unsuspecting men in their homes

“Uh…” Pete shook his head in disbelief. The woman grinned and laughed softly.

“Don’t worry about the shoes.”

“”Whaaa…” Pete stammered.

“You have your own shoes that you fill quite nicely. I’m happy to make your re-acquaintance.”

“Whaat?” Pete said again.

“I’m so glad Nancy found you.” The woman gasped a brief sob, but her tears were accompanied by the same smile; albeit widening into a broad grin.

My baby loves…. She can see you’re the real deal.”

“Uh…Your baby? Oh, you can’t be…”

“I approve.” She patted his hand; her firm touch belying her ethereal appearance,

“Your…your baby?” Pete would have been aghast but for the growing peace in his soul.

“I’m sorry,” the woman apologized. She pattered Pete’s hand once again.

“My love is my honey. My child is my baby…my girl.” Pete somehow stared through the woman; once again seeing all the way to the Bellino home. His eyes widened in growing recognition.

“I am sure,” the woman continued,

“They are in the best of hands. God bless you, Pete Armitage.” Pete shook his head; not in disbelief of the woman in front of him, but in feeling way too incapable of measuring up.

“Terry?” Pete had known Terry Bellino so many years ago. Another lifetime in a way. They entirely lost touch when Pete left the States for overseas duty, and only in meeting Nancy had he realized just who her late husband was.

Even at that, his approach to her and Billy remained tentative for the sake of almost walking on hallowed ground merely by making Nancy’s acquaintance.

The woman smiled warmly and squeezed his hand.

“I know exactly what you’re thing, my dear man. It’s your humility and your desire to see the best in my love and our daughter that leave you entirely the best possible person to care for my family.” She gasped another small sob; not out of sadness but out of relief. Pete breathed in, like a swimmer just before diving into the water.

“Uh…Tehhh….Terry?” The woman nodded.

“Theresa Bellino at your service, dear old friend,” she said as she shook Pete’s hand. Pete was struggling between incredulity and an odd mixture of new confidence and peace.

“And as I said, you fill out your shoes quite nicely.” She laughed softly and drew his attention under the table.

“These might be a bit small for you, and they’re really not your style.” She practically giggled as she used her hand in a gesture between his Timberlands and her black patent pumps.

“No…I don’t suppose they are.” Pete said at last with an almost lilting laugh of his own. He had sought guidance from beyond in a way, and for the first time since he met Nancy and Billy, he felt that as much as they were right for him, he was right for them.

The Bellino home, the next day…

Nancy sat in the recliner; exhausted. Work seemed to be just as challenging as ever, but that’s not where her struggles lie. She looked out the bay window to notice a cardinal that had landed on the bush in the front yard. A sign? Just a red bird among many birds that frequented the feeder that hung from a hook on the window frame.

“Damn it, Terry! Why did you have to….” What was it that the boxer said in Body and Soul? ‘Is that supposed to scare me? Everybody dies?’ or some such nonsense. It was nonsense to think that the huge hole in her heart would be repaired by platitudes, however true they might be. And she grieved for so many things. The life for which she had planned would span well into their seventies or even eighties?

“We were supposed to grow old together, Terry!” She put her hand to her face and wept bitterly; only one moment out of thousands during the day where she allowed herself time to feel. Guilt only visited her from time to time, but even in those infrequent visits she felt dually ashamed. Anyone who ever met her would tell you she was a terrific mom, but she felt incapable at times; even if those moments were few and far between.

And god forgive her if she even entertain the fleetest of notions regarding finding someone to love. Would such a love betray her child’s devotion to Terry? Would even daring to entertain her own feelings and needs betray her own love for Terry?

“Mom?” She looked up to see Billy and Jay standing by the island in the kitchen. Both faces seemed to mirror her own in that they had been crying. Billy was wearing a denim skirt over black tights with a white tee under a scoop necked pullover.

Jay noticed Nancy’s examining glance and his face turned even redder, almost in shame for some unspoken chastisement. He looked down at himself. He wore a black tee and jeans, and his hair….dear God in heaven, his hair was shorn almost to his scalp. He turned and went to walk away, but Billy grabbed his arm.

“Let go!” A simple protest followed by a rude shove and he ran down the hall to Billy’s bedroom. The door didn’t slam, but neither did it close in a whisper as the boy screamed a cry of despair the echoed through the house.

“Honey….what’s wrong?” Nancy had jumped from the recliner and was walking quickly toward the hallway. She stopped when she saw the look of utter resignation on Billy’s face.

“Oh God, what’s wrong, Billy?” She repeated, fearing the worst.

“Jay….Oh, hell, Mom…”

Billy might still be straddling that territory between old and new if older still, but the voice was all girl and all defeated. He… Bella put her hand up and waved it and Nancy stopped. She realized Jay might need some time to himself and Billy…Bella needed just as much attention; for what she had no idea, but Jay’s appearance had to have something to do with the moment.

“What happened, Baby?” She pulled her erstwhile daughter into a hug. She closed her eyes and held Bella close. Time to make decisions. She had put off any discussion about changes as long as she could, but both boys had arrived at a place in their lives; a stereotypical moment that might have included bridges to cross or which road to take, but real children deserved real and loving help instead of easy answers.

“Jay’s dad….he wants….”

Bella didn’t need to go any further. Jay’s father lived with his second wife and two kids in Maine. In his departure, the man had left nothing to his former wife or child; a 'former' child of his. She had seen Jay pulled in way too many directions like some sort of prize his father felt he had earned merely by providing sufficient genetic material.

As the boy… she hated even to think about her child’s best friend in such a way, since Jennifer was who the friend had become; rather had discovered. But for all intents and purposes, it would be almost impossible to convince Jay’s father otherwise.

“Go away,” the voice came from the bedroom; Jay had shouted it loudly at the knock on the door. It wasn’t rude or abrupt, but a sad plaint from a very overwhelmed child. The death of self can be the worst pain anyone might go through since the body and soul remain in a horrible life-long stasis while hope suffers a sad demise.

“No, Baby….”

She was about to add the word ‘girl,’ which would complete the term of endearment she bestowed on both Bella and Jennifer, but it was Jay lying on the bed on the other side of the door; weeping. She pushed softly and the door moved open enough to see Jay lying face down with his face buried in the pillow.

His sobs were intense enough to shake the bed. She walked to the bedside and knelt on the floor, putting her hand on his back. She rubbed it slowly and began praying silently.

An instant later she felt a hand on her back as Bella knelt beside her; the prayers of a righteous …woman? They hoped that their requests were considered and that they might ‘avail’ as the saying goes. But they were faced with dealing with a man who had absolutely no use for women other than what he used them for.

Nancy had read enough about the duality of the human expression… that everyone…even Jay’s father, might have some of each gender ‘presence’ in them. Some more than others even to the point of tipping a very precarious balance in a direction that others would come to even hate; that fear of losing their own self that seems to pervade their anger and ignorance toward transgendered children.

That ironic ignorance that sought to steal away from their child the very same thing they sought to protect for themselves.

It was time for tears once again, but in a fervent prayer — a Garden of Gethsemane-like prayer, wrought with travail that reached out in petition of a child who had become like her own. Soon all three were weeping; one in desperation; one in cautious hope, but one in confidence that somehow everything would be alright.

That evening…

“No, Phil, I’m sorry, but you’re wrong, and yelling at me over the phone…no….yes, your child is here.” Nancy was tempted to hold the phone away from her ear; almost a comical scene out of a movie. Jay’s dad certain was loud enough. She took a deep breath.

“I’m not obligated to do anything. No, as far as I’ve been told, your ex-wife has custody.” The last word was cut off by a stream of invective that would ‘peel the paint off the wall.’ She smiled as if the man was in front of her rather than miles and miles away.

“I’d really appreciate it, Phil, if you’d tone down your voice; I can hardly make out what you’re saying."

She heard every word loud and clear, but it was almost fun to tease; a brief moment of levity in an otherwise sad day. The click on the other end terminated what had become a very painful call; emotionally and physically. She turned to see Jay and Billy standing in the archway leading to the dining room.

Billy had changed into ‘drab;’ sweats and a tee for a show of solidarity that was totally unnecessary. It never is just about the clothes, and in this case it had nothing to do with matter and the physical plain but in matters of the heart and soul.

“I want you to both to rest.” She said it like a suggestion, and both of them stood and stared at her until she said,

“I’m totally serious. Both of you… go back to the bedroom and lie down. This is taking a toll on me, and I’m just the Mom here. You must both be exhausted.” She had thought to call Jay’s mom, but she knew how grueling the woman’s schedule had been with back to back twelve-hour shifts. She made a mental note to invite her over for lunch the next day.

She stepped next to Jay and Billy and stood between the two, grabbing their hands. After a swift if reluctant walk down the hall, they found themselves standing in the middle of Billy’s bedroom once again. Nancy pointed to the bed; their gazes fell upon a pile of clothing.

“Nightgowns and cuddling and sleep.”

She pointed to the bed. A few moments later both of them were sound asleep in each other’s arms; a scene that had played out over and over from when they first discovered how unique and similar at the same time they were. She kissed both their foreheads and turned off the bedside lamp.

Nothing more than two children cuddling against a storm. It was really all about heart matters, for which she was supremely grateful. They had ‘discovered’ each other, but no more than any kid their age, and certainly a lot less than most. Two girls learning about life together; more than just best friends forever, but any wedded bliss was still years away. She turned off the room light and closed the door behind her, letting out a fairly relieved sigh.

“Okay, God. I’m all ears.” She felt a bit irreverent, but there’s a passage somewhere that encourages an almost rude and insistent tone; not as a demand so much as an urgent realization that nothing is going to go well unless her God is involved.

She prayed often, and very tentatively, as if she was asking for an extra helping of carrots when the table is filled with food. Now it was ‘all business.’ She lowered her face and waited. An old song that her sister sang in church once came to her.

Just to know
That everything we've done
Every word we've said
Every song we've sung
In this world
Where truth is hard to find
All we have to offer
Is the legacy we leave behind

Nancy felt so small, but needlessly so. She worried if she truly had done enough for the two children lying asleep on the other side of the door. Feeling small against the world of problems is one thing; being small and childlike herself in the arms of an infinite giver of life was something entirely different and comforting.

“It’ll be alright.” Not so much a word or two as an encouraging feeling. It all melded together seamlessly from above, but she only knew what she felt. Terry ‘spoke’ to her often, even if only in her head and heart.

Whatever tokens she discovered over the course of time since his death could be attributed to any number of coincidences or actions by folks this side of heaven. But she preferred to think that signs and wonders were part of God working in her and for her and her kids.

Not that she would ever dream of taking the place of Jay’s Mom or even his father’s place; no matter how horribly he treated his child. It was more like being a mother-in-law before the fact. That she had a son who was a daughter whom she believed would grow up to marry her best friend who was a boy who really was a girl as well?

It was perfectly understandable even if it confused the hell out of her. Someday two girls would stand before God and family and friends and plight their troth, whatever the hell that meant. But she was tenaciously and fiercely protective of the girl who lay side by side with her best friend in restless sleep.

“It will be alright.” She felt that she definitely possibly heard a voice, but the idea of not trusting it never entered her mind; no matter how indistinct and quiet it remained. She smiled and looked up; a glance toward the maker of heaven and earth, in a way and mouthed ‘thank you.’

How it would be alright wasn’t even a consideration at that point. She had absolutely no doubt that even her best efforts to dissuade Jay’s dad would fall upon deaf ears. But another, louder, more patient voice could and would speak to the man who insisted that he only had two daughters and just one, foolishly deluded son.

“If Terry had left anything other than an example of how odd and ironic life can be, it would be his…her…their legacy of integrity and kindness and goodness and strength. Nancy didn’t know how things would work out, but if Terry had anything to say about it on their behalf, it would work out better than any of them could dream.

She walked down the hallway and leaded against the wide doorway into the living room and had only just begun to shake when the doorbell rang.

“Just a sec,” she called out as she used her sweater sleeve to wipe the few tears that had already snuck past her resolve onto her cheeks. She walked to the doorway and opened it to discover Pete standing on the landing.

“Hi.” His tone seemed almost too familiar until she noticed he’d been crying. She waved him in; feeling wary that he hadn’t called. He smiled and spoke; perhaps with much more confidence than even he had anticipated.

“I…I talked…” He looked over his shoulder, expecting his newly-befriended angel to be standing behind him.

“I talked…” he repeated. Nancy found herself growing impatient. A very long day promised to get even longer until Pete touched her shoulder, She pulled back in a start, and he waved slightly before continuing.

“I had every intention of doing this way different, but she told me you needed to hear my heart.” Nancy went to interrupt him but paused.

“I was going to ask Billy if it’s okay if I marry his Mom.”

“Whhaaa…What?” Nancy said in a near whisper.

“But she…she said it’s better if I ask you if I can be your daughter’s dad?” Nancy’s expression cycled quickly from confusion to a growing realization to peace. She tried to speak but all she could do was half-smile and nod.

“I…” He began, but instead got down on one knee and produced a ring from his jacket pocket.

“Will…Can…Nancy? Will you two marry me?”

Not a distant star in their eyes
There's no pretending
Their lives are waiting to discern
All that they can learn from us
And who we've trusted
Love has to make a choice
Following one voice
That our hearts long to hear

A Parent's Heart...

Jay's house...a few days later...

“Yes? Oh…” Jay held the phone out and sighed; his voice had turned from eager to discouraged in the time it took to say two words. The woman on the other end…his father’s wife… seemed nice enough, but she was married to his dad, which made it very awkward.

“What? Oh… you want to see me and mom? I don’t get it… Why…” He was tempted to hang up on her; the idea that the woman who broke up his parents wanting to get together with them seemed so unfair and ever more so; insensitive.

“Dad’s not?…oh…okay.” His voice trailed off. Even a poor father, neglectful and obtuse as he might be, still appealed to Jay. That part of him…her, actually. The part of Jennifer that longed for a loving father who would understand and accept and encourage; that was appealing even if entirely unrealistic. He nodded at the receiver before hanging up.

“Who was that, honey?” Marnie’s voice seemed to be soothing and understanding beforehand; as if she had anticipated a disappointing connection when Jay answered the phone moments before.

“It’s... Stella.” Not exactly a welcome name in their household, at least as far as Jay felt. His mother surprised him.

“Oh, good. I was hoping she’d call. So they’re visiting next week, right?”

“You knew about this?”

“I sent her an email asking if there was some way we could get together. She’s your father’s wife, and those precious girls are your half sisters, so….”

“How could you do this without asking me?” Jay shook his head.

“Jay, honey. We have to talk. There’s something that you need to know, okay?” Marnie motioned for her child to come close, and they hugged. She looked over Jay's shoulder and thought she saw the figure of a very kind-looking woman about her own age, but after blinking the figure seemed merely to have been a glare off the front window.

"Let's sit down, okay?"

The Hilton Hotel, Burlington, Vermont, the following week...

“Phil? Are you going to be this way the whole time? You decided to come, Phil. You might as well just stay at the hotel, if that’s the case. Maybe even just not come at all!”

“Listen, Stella. I know what you’re thinking, and it isn’t going to work. You think if I see Jay all dressed up and looking …well looking like a girl that I’ll just go ahead and accept it like nothing has changed. Well, I’m sorry, but I’ve got a son… not a goddam daughter.” He looked over at the two girls sitting on the couch in the sitting area of the suite.

“Oh, for Christ’s sakes! You know what I mean.” The girls’ faces grew red. Lisa seemed more angry than sad; she folded her arms in an almost defiant pose and shook her head. The younger of the two seemed so much more confident and mature at twelve than her fourteen year old sister.

Tia, on the other hand, seemed reserved; that afraid-of-one’s-shadow look seemed almost a pervasive stance for her. She had every reason to feel the way she did even if she had assurances from Stella that things would work out.

“Oh, Jeez, Tia. You’re not gonna start cryin’!” Phil breathed out. The girl seemed to Phil to be overly sensitive; especially since the whole issue of having an older brother perhaps coming to live with them. He wondered just what upset the girl, but every attempt at finding out how she felt was met with a nervous, teary stare.

And Lisa wasn’t giving up anything to him. She loved her step-father, but there was only so much that love could conquer, and she wasn’t about to betray her sister over any loyalty to Phil.

“You guys go and have a good time visiting. I got a call from an old friend in town anyway. I'd just get all upset if I came along; at least today.”

It really made no sense in the scheme of things. If Phil truly wanted to engage his son enough to start a relationship, he was making no effort whatsoever in that regard. He almost demanded respect that he hadn’t earned, but had betrayed already by abandoning Jay and his mother. He loved Stella; why couldn’t they see that? Either way, he was stubborn enough to expect things to go his way merely by showing up at the lawyer’s office the following Monday with his demands.

"Pat Armitage...My…my former brother-in-law? His girlfriend?...Billy's mom...told him I was gonna be in town, so I think I might meet him for lunch. Says he needs to talk to me about something very important."

What Pat needed to discuss was important, but Phil didn't know that; it was just one more way of getting out of his responsibility to his family. But Pat wasn't going to be coming alone, in a manner of speaking, which would come as a surprise to both men; pleasantly to Pat and not at all pleasant to Phil.

Back at Jay's house, a short while later...

“Hi, come on in.” Marnie greeted the three at the door as if they were long-lost and dearly missed. Stella shrunk back at Marnie’s proffered hug. The girls, however, gladly embraced Stella and Jay.

“It’s okay.” Marnie shrugged and waited until Stella had seated herself at the kitchen table. The girls sat down as well.

“Listen, okay….let’s just get one thing straight before we go any further.” Marnie practically snapped at Stella, but the look on her face was one of almost gleeful welcome. Stella cringed only a bit as Stella stepped closer.

“I’m not upset with you, Stella. I know you didn’t know anything about me or Jay when you met Phil.”

That wasn’t entirely true, but true enough. She knew about Marnie, but Phil had led her to believe that he was already divorced when they began their relationship. And a single mother with two girls has a difficult enough time as it is getting someone’s attention. Nevertheless, she felt all of the guilt that seemed to have escaped Phil. She lowered her head just a bit. Lisa squeezed her hand.

“Come on, mom…it’s okay. She’s kinda nice, you know?” The girl tilted her head in Marnie’s direction to indicate her intent.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I know you are. And I am sorry too, Stella. I know that things haven’t been easy for you either. Maybe between the two of us and the kids, we can put together some sort of family that will be okay? As long as we’re related, we might as well make more than the best of this. Pax?”

Marnie held out her hand and Stella grabbed it tentatively. After a moment she felt Marnie squeeze her hand gently. She looked into the woman’s eyes and saw nothing but peace and acceptance; something Stella and Lisa and Tia needed; especially Tia, but to what extent even Stella couldn’t say…yet.

A short while later...in Jay's bedroom...

“Mom says you’re a girl.” Lisa was bold if anything, but her boldness wasn’t born of temerity but of an honest sense of wonderment coupled with a very determined sense of love and acceptance. She was already schooled in that area by necessity. She smiled at Jay and nodded.

“Yes.”

Under normal circumstances, Jay might have been timid even in admitting the wonderful truth that Lisa had just noted. But the girl’s wide grin seemed to disarm any timidity or even fear, and the answer came from Jennifer’s lips instead.

They weren’t quite related, since Phil was the girl’s step father. Lisa and Tia never met their dad, who had been killed in a car accident only a few months after Tia was born. Jennifer as Jay had hardly known his dad when Phil left.

“Tia has some questions she wants to ask you.” Lisa blurted out. Tia’s face grew red and hot; a mixture of embarrassment, shame, and fear. She went to walk out of the room but Lisa grabbed her arm.

“Oh no you don’t. You’re the one who's been crying all week, and you two need to talk.”

“No…Lees….no.” She began to sob even as her struggles to run grew less and less. A moment later she was sobbing into her sister’s shoulder. Jay felt helpless. What was it he…what was it that Jennifer could possibly do to help the girl. She seemed more than just embarrassed. He shrugged his shoulders. Lisa pushed Tia to arms length and spun her around. She hugged her from behind; almost treating her sister like a doll.

“Mom never really talked much with Phil about us before they got married. He just figured that he got two daughters in the bargain. He’s been a good dad.” She paused, feeling guilty that the same father who treated them with kindness and respect could have been so cold and forgetful with his own son.

“I’m sorry.”

Tia practically whispered. It wasn’t her place to apologize for her stepfather, but then again it really wasn’t her place to apologize for her own existence, but that’s what she felt inside every single day. Would Jay even understand? She knew in her head that there wasn’t any way Jay couldn’t understand, but her heart remained so desperately fearful as to give up hope.

If anyone had any apologies to extend, it would have been their father… to all the children for his failure to Marnie and Jay. And Stella owed everyone a huge apology for keeping a secret for nearly three years; a secret that threatened to tear her older daughter in two.

Tia put her head down. She would have seen Jay do the same; neither felt worthy of consideration or felt strong enough to consider as well. Lisa broke the stalemate.

“You have to tell him…” She paused and looked at Jay.

“Sorry…you have to tell her…uh…what’s your name?” She stared at Jay. He raised his head slowly and looked at her askance.

“You know…what’s ‘her’ name?” Lisa had a ‘do-I-have-to-do-everything’ look on her face.

“Oh…Jennifer…my name is Jennifer.” With the mention of her name came a relaxed countenance; as if in speaking her name she freed the young lady inside once more like in a fairy tale. Lisa turned to her sister and smiled.

“See…I told you she’ll understand!” Lisa looked back and forth between Jay and Tia.

“Go ahead. Tell her your other name…. you know?” Of course she knew; it was the name she was given at birth by the man who abandoned her and Lisa when they were toddlers.

“My…name…” She began to cry; as if being born one way and becoming another was shameful. No one would begrudge the girl if she had gotten an implant to bestow hearing or glasses to correct vision. She was ashamed enough that the words stuck in her throat.

“My dad’s named Steven… Steven James Aldretti. And Tia was you know? Junior?” It was almost a game to be played between the three instead of the very frightful acknowledgment of commonality. Jay looked at Lisa and shook his head no while squinting in puzzlement.

“Jeez…. My dad is Steven and Tia was Steve Jr.” It was too much for Tia and she burst into tears and ran out of the room. Nowhere to go or hide in a stranger’s house, she ended up running into the bathroom; slamming the door behind her. Jay looked at Lisa; words failed, but the expression said ‘are you serious?’

“Mom figured maybe you’d be able to talk to her…so she knows that she’s not the only one, you know?” Jay put his head down and nodded slowly. What little confidence resided in the boy came to the surface; likely supplanting the timidity and shame for the last time.

Jay would remain a part of the wonderful whole being that Stella bore to term years earlier, but it would be the young woman named Jennifer who would live from that moment on. She smiled and spoke.

“Give me a few minutes, okay?” It surprised her that Lisa wasn’t surprised at all, but the girl was astute and sensitive. She smiled back at Jennifer.

“Okay. Let me know when you’re ready.” She casually waved and walked out of the bedroom and down the hall and stood calmly by the bathroom door. A few minutes later a tall girl stood before her. There was nothing really remarkable about her clothing other than that she was wearing different clothes; clothes more appropriate for the moment and the task at hand.

“Nice touch,” Lisa said with a laugh, pointing to the beret the girl wore; maroon and suede-like, which matched the vest that covered her cream-colored blouse. She wore jeans and black knee length boots; nothing spectacular, but entirely appropriate for a girl her age. Jennifer smiled at Lisa and knocked on the door to the bathroom.

“Go away!” Tia sobbed from just the other side of the door.

“Nope, I can’t leave until I at least get to meet my sister, okay?” The voice was only a little familiar since they had only just met in a way.

“I’ll just wait until you’re ready to meet me, okay?” Something about the voice was soothing and healing even if it was fairly new. A moment later the lock clicked open and Tia emerged slowly. She looked at Lisa who in turn looked at Jennifer.

Tia stared at the older girl; it would have been entirely appropriate to note that a hero was born that day as well. She stepped closer; almost as if she was ready to pinch the girl to see if she really was there. Just getting near was just enough, and she threw herself into Jennifer’s arms and began sobbing enough to shake them both.

Marnie and Stella heard the loud crying and went to hurry down the hall. Lisa held her hand up; almost like a traffic cop rerouting cars. She smiled and gave the two the thumbs up even as her own eyes filled with tears. In that moment all three girls and both moms breathed a collective sigh of relief. It was going to be alright.

One Big Peaceful Family...

The Bellino home a few days later...

"Bella? Jenn? Can you two come here for a moment?" Nancy called from her bedroom. Both girls walked slowly, wondering why they were being summoned to Nancy's room. As they walked in, Nancy quickly ushered them to her bedside. On the bed lay the two garment bags they had discovered years before. And both had envelopes sitting next to them.

"Bella? Sweetie? Open the envelope next to the bag on the left?" Nancy gasped in anticipation. Every bit of worry about this moment dispelled almost magically as Bella opened the envelope, revealing stationary almost like a wedding invitation. She looked back to Nancy, who smiled and nodded even though tears streamed down her face.

"Go ahead. Read it aloud." Bella blew out a nervous breath before beginning.

"My sweet girl. If you are reading this, it means that everything we...your mom and I ever hoped for has come to pass. Not any event. But that your have discovered who you are. And that you have somehow seen a future that includes someone for whom you were intended."

Bella paused and mouthed silently,

"How?" Nancy stepped closer and urged her to continue reading.

"We have been blessed...our family. You were a blessing long before you drew your first breath. I pray that who you are becoming is a blessing to you. Mommy and I love you with all our hearts. I hope this gift finds you happy already. God bless you, my sweet. precious child. Love, Daddy."

Even before the last words escaped her lips, tears of unimaginable joy filled her eyes. She glanced over at Nancy, who smiled through her own tears as she gestured toward the garment bag. Bella gently pulled the zipper down, revealing the treasure underneath; a wedding gown... Her father's wedding gown. She shook her head in near disbelief. Nancy rubbed Bella's arm but turned her attention to Jennifer.

"Jenn? Open the envelope on the right?" Jenn stared at the envelope until Bella picked it up and handed it to her.

"Go ahead, honey," Nancy said. Jennifer opened the envelope and discovered a similar card.

Read it aloud?" Nancy said; almost prayer-like. Jennifer began.

"Dear sweet girl. If you are reading this, it means that you have already entered our lives and have found love in my child. Please be blessed with this gift. It is more than a dress. I wore this on the happiest day of my life, and it is my fondest hope that when you wear it you will discover the same happiness Bella's father and I found on our special day. I have no doubt you are already a blessing to my daughter. I don't know you yet, but I already love you. God bless you! Mommy Nancy."

Jennifer dropped the card on the bed and began to shake. Bella grabbed her right hand gently and helped Jenn open the garment bag; revealing a gown the near twin to the one next to it on the bed. Nancy stepped close to the beautiful child she had come to love as her own.

"Welcome to the family," she said as she gathered both girls into a hug.

"I love you both more than I can say, and I know that Terri is looking at you both with the same love." Nancy pulled Jenn into her own hug and kissed her gently on the lips like a mother sometimes does to her daughter.

"I will of course be happy to be Mommy number two; your own Mom is such a beautiful human being and I cannot thank her enough for blessing the world with you, but i certainly intend to try." Nancy squeezed her gently and kissed her on both cheeks.

"And you?" She pivoted slightly and bestowed a smililar kiss to Bella's lips. She had every intention of speaking in flowery words, but all she could say was,

"My baby...you...you are my life," before she fell into Bella's arms and wept the most joyous, loving tears.

"I love you, Mommy." It was the first time in a long while that Bella used that endearment, but Mommy just seemed so right.

Jennifer almost felt left out until Bella pulled her close to join her and Nancy. It was a lovely moment, but only a promise of what life had in store for them both...

In Pat's Outback cross from the Taphouse Bar and Grill, Burlington, Vermont…

Pat turned to look across through the passenger window at the restaurant. As awkward as he felt, something good was about to happen. He sighed and shrugged his shoulders and turned his attention to the woman sitting next to him; best friends since childhood.

Terry smiled but said nothing. Pat breathed out an even heavier sigh, recalling the first and last time they spoke about life….

”Jeez, Terry, that’s fucking sick,” Phil snapped. He turned and faced Pat and raised his eyebrows and shrugged, looking for some help. Pat shook his head and placed his hand on Terry’s wrist,

“I think…Hell, Phil. Your…our best friend just opened up to you about the most important thing… Cut her some slack!” Pat saw that Terry was fighting back tears. The waitress walked up and set three bottles of Killian Red on the table.

“Oh, gosh. Is there something the matter?”

“It’s okay, miss, but thanks for asking.” Pat smiled and Terry nodded in agreement,

“I mean, fuck, Ter….‘” Phil growled,

Terry looked down and Phil’s eyes followed the gesture. For everyone’s sake, Terry had put that part of himself to rest, wanting the family secret not to be a distraction. But Billie was getting ‘older all the minute,’ as the saying goes, and Terry and Nancy felt that their well-kept secret wasn’t all that secret.

“I mean, for Christ’s sake, Ter. You could have just told us.” He stared at Terry, almost angry at the contrast. He and Pat wore polo shirts and slacks. Terry wore a teal blouse under a cream-colored vest sweater along with a white skirt. It wasn’t the first time Terri had appeared in public, but the first time either of her friends had seen her that way; in public at least. Pat showed no surprise. He squeezed Terri’s wrist,

“You knew? You fucking knew?” Left unsaid were angry feelings of betrayal.

“If she’d told you about this, do you think things would have been different?” Pat shook his head and turned to Terri; that ‘but wait, there’s more’ moment in the conversation.

“I…I’m sorry, Phil.” In the midst of the oddest but most wonderful conversation Terri would have with her best friends, she opened her blouse; only slightly revealing some cleavage under a white bra. Phil’s eyes widened. Only a few days before the three had been out jet-skiing on Burlington Bay; shirtless. Pat laughed and nodded,

“They’re real, Phil.” He eyed Terri’s bosom and nodded.

“I…it’s something we sort of deal with in my family…” her voice trailed off as Phil’s gaze lowered slightly as if to see through the table.

“Yes…that, too.” Terri hadn’t meant to be apologetic, but Phil took it further.

“That’s fucking disgusting!” As if the astounding ‘set life and logic and science on their ears’ aspect of what he was witnessing meant nothing to Phil, He stood up, spilling water all over his California Burger.

“This is too sick.” The words would have been cruel enough but for the fact that Terri died before they could reconcile.

Back in the present, lunch at the Bar and Grill…

“So Pat. I guess you want to lecture me about my son, huh?” All those years and he still held onto being obtuse almost tenaciously. Pat sighed and shook his head.

“Well, seeing how Nancy and I have seen more of Jay than you do? But no, Phil. I’m not the one who’s going to talk with you; at least I’m not the one initiating this meeting.” Pat laughed softly. As if the roles had been reversed, a gentle squeeze of the hand indicated that Phil would hear everything he needed to know.

“Phil?” The soft word was frightening enough but the voice seemed almost disembodied but for the ethereal visage before him as Terri materialized.

“Son of a bitch…” Phil dropped his glass of beer into the bowl of clam chowder.

“Son of a fucking bitch!”

Meanwhile, at Jay’s house…

Marnie’s place had literally become a house of girls. She and Jay…Jennifer had welcomed Stella and her two girls for what was turning out to be a Godsend for everyone. Stella and Marnie more than just made peace; they embraced it for their own sakes as well as their children.

And Jennifer finally made peace with herself to the benefit of her step-siblings. Lisa now had an ally in making sure that Tia was heard. And Tia had someone who knew exactly what it meant to be a transgendered child. And it got better as Nancy and Billie arrived for lunch.

“I heard someone here needs encouragement.” Bella walked to Tia and shook her hand.

“Our club isn’t exclusive, but there are no fees except for the tears we shed for each other.” Like Jennifer, Bella was ‘appearing’ as herself for the first time to someone outside their immediate families. She did include a hug, but the handshake was like the ‘don’t worry; we understand’ greeting the girl needed.

“I…” Bella paused. She had never told a single soul; even Jennifer didn’t know. It wasn’t so much that she didn’t trust anyone else as much as she hadn’t trusted herself until just then. And while Jenn had so much to deal with, things at least weren’t complicated.

Bella never saw or heard a word from her parents about the special nature of her heritage, so to speak. And neither parent realized how far reaching and special that nature was until Terry’s death; Nancy discovering it from the outside, in a way, as she understood that Bella had a unique connection with Terry. And Bella found out that things were much more complicated if entirely wonderful regarding her own self and the odd formation of her family tree.

“I’ve known since I was little that I was a girl; just that things hadn’t happened yet.” Bella said, lowering her head in almost embarrassed shame over the loss of words she had. Nancy stepped closer and hugged her daughter; for once again, it was the last time that Bella would be a boy in a sense. Her transformation was nothing like her father’s, in that she and Jenn and now Tia belonged to a universally hushed-up organization that accepted all who identified with a gender into which they were never born.

Unlike Terry, who likely was one of several magically transformed persons in Bella’s family, the girls were destined to move into that place of womanhood with more than just a little help from doctors and nurses and kind strangers and loving family.

Except for one, it would seem….

Meanwhile

“This is crazy.” Phil went to storm off, but two things prevented him. First, there was a hugely overwhelming curiosity as to how one of his best friends growing up, now deceased, sat in front of him in an entirely different personage than he had barely remembered; as if their last meeting had never taken place.

And two, the almost vise-like grip from Terri, who held his hand and patted it in encouraging glee. Pat shook his head and smiled; it was going to entirely entertaining to see how things would work out for Phil’s change, for it was changed to which he was destined.

Terri eased up on her grip only slightly while helping Phil sit down. She handed him a glass of water, which he drank quickly.

“Let’s just take a look at things, shall we, Phil?” Her tone belied the almost conciliatory words. She truly wished for the best for her friend. Pat nodded and grinned, but kept silent.

“This is going to be a bit of a mix between ‘It’s a Wonderful Life,’ and ‘A Christmas Carol,’ but I’m not quite a ghost though Pat is likely as close to an angel as you’re going to get. And it won’t quite be like you were never born, but more like you were born twice, in a way.

This time you get to see how things will play out if you don’t change, Phil. I don’t know what’s in store, but I don’t think they’re going to be very pretty!”

“Lisa? Come on!” Phil called from the car.

“I’m not goin’, Dad… not after what you did with Tia!” The girl ran back into the house and slammed the door.

Phil turned and found Terri in the car with him.

“Okay? What the hell was that all about? Me and Lisa always get along!” He shrugged his shoulders in an attempt to act innocent.

“Just one more moment of ignorance in a whole lot of months of the same, Phil. She’s tired of you picking on Tia. Ask yourself, Phil. What did that precious girl ever do to earn all this anger?”

“He and his mother lied to me.”

“Did you stop loving Stella?”

“Uh…NO!”

”And has Tia changed at all since you learned about her?”

“That’s not the same!”

“Isn’t it? Has she changed? Or is she the same kind and considerate daughter you adopted when you married Stella?” Terri motioned to the house, and in an instant they stood in the hallway by Lisa’s bedroom.

“It’s okay, Leese…he just has a lot on his mind.” Tia shrugged. While she had been crying, her tears were nowhere near Lisa’s.

“I guess I’ll just have to love him more.” The girl began to sob and Lisa held her tight,

“Do you think you got a bad deal by accepting her…. believing that she was a good child and a blessing? Open your eyes Phil!” Terri shook her head. Phil couldn’t look at her and turned away, only to find that they had moved again. They stood in a large open space in a park by a large assembly of people…

“Who gives this woman in marriage?” The minister looked past the pretty if anxious girl in the white gown. A woman stood with her hand on the girl’s shoulder; a gentle squeeze did little to abate the sadness of the moment as she turned and gazed at the empty chair in the front row,

“I’m sorry, Jenn.” Her mother whispered, as if it was her fault that another chose to be absent. She turned to face her intended and only then did the girl smile. In fact, the only ones who were not smiling were Terri and Phil; something that was lost in the bliss of the moment for everyone else, since they remained unseen; set apart as sad witnesses.

“The girl…she looks familiar. And the mother…that’s Marnie.”

“Of course she looks familiar. That’s your daughter Jennifer.” Terri shook her head as Phil gazed at the joy on the girl’s face as she looked into the eyes of the young lady similarly dressed; her bride.

“But…” Phil stared.

“It hurt her that you rejected her. But she’s happy, as is the rest of your family. The only one who remains disappointed and sad is you, dear old friend. And what is the reason for your disappointment, Phil? What is causing that pain inside?” Terri swept her arm in a broad gesture to make her point.

“None of these ever hurt you, Phil. Three children whose only thoughts have been to be ‘good’ kids. Two women whose only desire had been to love you. Who disappointed whom?”

She turned her face toward her friend; the half-smile and the tears rolling down her cheek belied what could have seemed like condemning words. She put her hand on his arm and he lifted his head; his own tears mirroring hers….

“Excuse me? Can I get you some coffee?” Phil looked up to find the waitress standing at the table; He blinked twice and turned to find that only Pat remained; Terri was nowhere to be seen. He put his hand to his face to discover it wet with tears. He nodded and the girl smiled before walking away.

“I…what…Pat…what the fuck just happened?” Pat smiled and laughed softly while shrugging his shoulders.

“I guess it is a wonderful life after all."

Marnie and Jay's home shortly thereafter...

“I don’t know if I can do this…” Phil’s voice faded. Pat patted him on the back.

“I mean…how do I fix this?” He stared at the front door. Pat shook his head.

“First? You can’t fix anything without acknowledging that you broke it to begin with, You’ve done that with me and more importantly, you’ve done that with yourself.” He took a step toward the house; his hand urging Phil forward.

A few moments later they were on the porch as the front door opened. Jennifer stood with Tia in the doorway; Lisa stood behind them in support. Both girls looked as brave and as anxious as anyone ever could, while still believing for the best. Phil turned to Pat and his look begged for what to do. Pat nodded and used his glance toward the girls as a ‘you can do this’ urge. Phil swallowed hard and turned to face his children.

“I…I’m so sorry…” He wanted to say more, but in those words alone he spoke volumes as all three girls stepped closer and grabbed him by the hands, drawing him into the house as Jennifer said softly,

“Welcome home, Dad.”

A few short years later...

A gentle breeze blew across the hillside, cooling the assembly of friends and family against the warm sun. The usual murmurs and soft whispers quieted as the woman stood on the crest of the hill; her voice mixed only slightly with the gentle sound of the breeze.

“Who gives this woman in marriage?” She asked with a smile as she blinked back a few tears. Jenn turned to face two loving parents. Tia reached over and squeezed her sister’s hand and choked back a happy sob.

“We do,” Phil and Marnie said in unison. Two families united and reunited in a way; healed by love, acceptance, and forgiveness. The minister nodded and turned to her left,

“And who gives this woman in marriage?” Pat stepped forward, holding Nancy’s hand. And like her sister, Lisa remembered her charge as maid of honor and gave Bella an assuring pat on the back.

“We do,” Nancy said as Pat choked up. He felt supremely blessed for the privilege of helping to raise his childhood friend’s child. He went to take a step back and felt a very warm and welcome presence behind him as a soft if familiar voice spoke to his heart,

“Thank you, dearest of friends.” Pat put his hand to his face and wept quietly and joyfully. Nancy noticed and squeezed his hand as they went to sit down. And the most blessed feeling she would ever know came to her as the same voice spoke to her,

“I am so proud of you. I will love you always, my darling. Be happy, Nancy….be happy.” The voice faded into the gentle wafting of the cool breeze, but not before Bella felt a soft, tender kiss on her cheek that renewed her hope and confidence that everything would be good,.

She looked down at herself and then at Jenn; viewing with intensity for the first time the gowns they had discovered long ago. She smiled as only a new bride can smile and Jenn grinned at her. Everything was and would always be good.

And Terri smiled...

Legacy
Words and music by
Dick and Melodie Tunney
as performed by
First Call
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fieRQGSNtFQ

Kudos

The Gowns

Comments

I Remember This

Love it, Drea.

Absolutely beautiful story,

Hmmm...

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