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Meadow Lake Campground, Jamestown, Pennsylvania...

The rain had let up and was falling softly as Matt looked up the road toward the cabin; a long time haven for his family, it had become almost a place ….what’s the opposite of refuge… a hectic and unwelcoming place. He threw the half-full can of Mountain Dew against the beech tree only a few yards away; the can exploded angrily, but the action did nothing to diffuse Matt’s anger.

“Hey, Matt?” His brother Aaron called from down the road behind him. He turned to see the boy running toward him.

“I swear to God, Aar…get the fuck out of my face.” He wished he had another can to throw; this one would probably take Aaron’s head clean off his shoulders.

“Matt…I’m sorry. Please?” The boy stopped in his tracks even as his anxiety continued to run to his brother. The look on Matt’s face stopped the rest of him as well and he put his head down.

“You’re sorry?” Matt shook his head and blinked out tears mixed equally and judiciously with sadness and anger and disappointment. He was disappointed, wasn’t he?

“Look…I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.” Aaron almost whined; his tone seemed to give up any hope of placating his older brother. Matt wasn’t really that angry, was he?

“Fuck it, Aar. You shoulda said somethin’! Just go the fuck away, Aar…I need to be by myself…leave me the fuck alone!” The older boy mirrored his brother’s body language and wrapped his arms around his body in a pathetic self-hug. No one…not even his brother, would understand how hurt he was. And how utterly stupid and selfish and ashamed he was. 

“Mom sez to meet her over at the office; we’re gonna go home tonight.”

Matt had figured as much since traveling to another campsite for one night didn’t make much sense and they had spent all morning packing the van in silence. He sat down on a very large rock at foot of the driveway and leaned back against a tree behind him. A moment later he heard a voice call him. Soft and welcoming, the sweetness dripped off the tongue like so much poison on a dagger. He looked up and saw a shadow blocking the sun like some misplaced eclipse.

“I wanted to say goodbye.” The girl said with a quiver in her voice. He said nothing.

“I…I’m sorry.” That word again. “Sorry?” he thought.

“I….wanted to tell you, but….” The voice quivered even more and trailed off.

“Listen. You don’t owe me a thing. You… I guess you couldn’t help yourself.” The words were conciliatory but the tone was dismissive, leaving the girl to put her head down.

“Just forget it….we’re leaving an’ that’ll be it….no fucking problem, you know. I guess you’ll just find some other fucking idiot and everything will be okay.”

Disappointment dripped from his words. If he hadn’t expected so much from their time it wouldn’t be a disappointment…or at least it wouldn’t hurt as much as it did. She stepped closer and put her hand out. He slapped it away; his anger and his foolish pride treated her as if she was exactly what he thought her to be. She pulled her hand back and stared at the red mark on side and burst into tears.

“Oh, come on! That didn’t hurt at all.” It really didn’t hurt much physically, but the idea that he thought it was okay to hit her hand broke her heart; the last hope of salvaging what they had dashed on the road before her like so many of the dusty rocks.

“Did I change so much from yesterday to today, Matt? Am I so much different?” She looked down at herself, wondering if she was as deluded as his words made her feel.”

“You fucking lied to me. And you got my brother to go along with the fucking joke!” He looked up only enough to reveal a harsh glared.

“Matt…no….don’t blame Aaron. He didn’t know….I…” She put her head down. It was never intentional; life just tends to be capriciously cruel at the wrong time. She hadn’t even meant to leave her own cabin, but her mother had been looking for some lost meds and she ran into both brothers in the shared parking area.

“I….I lied to him….I’m sorry…don’t blame him, okay?” She hadn’t lied at all; she had every intention of telling the boys and their mother that evening but Aaron somehow had figured it out and teased Matt about sneaking a kiss….

“Mom…we met a girl today.” He had started innocently enough, waiting for the perfect time for the big reveal. Matt’s face reddened in anticipation as Aaron continued.

“Olivia….she’s in the cabin over there,” Aaron continued and pointed out the window. His mother practically beamed in anticipation and her grin broadened into a huge smile as he had added,

“Matty’s first ki-iss, Matty’s first ki-iss.” The teasing was playful enough, drawing Matt into the silly teasing until Aaron added snidely,

“Matty kissed a boy-oy, Matty kissed a boy-oy.” His face grew redder and very hot as his mother looked at him askance as if he had two heads.

“No…NOOOO!” He raise his voice in protest.

“YE-eeessss! I heard him talking with his mom at the snack machines. Somethin’ about meds and not getting ….” Aaron paused for effect, and Matt prayed he was just being his usual dickhead self. He was wrong.

“He said, ‘I took the blockers…Dr…’ Somebody told him he wouldn’t get any more like a boy…and his mother said ‘Yes, Ollie,’ “ Aaron then turned back to Matt and repeated the taunt.

“Matty kissed a boy-oy!” Which was followed quickly by Matt pushing Aaron into the kitchen sink before running out of the cabin.

“He was just being a kid brother. I got one myself,”she pleaded with Matt.

“I don’t care. You fucking lied to me.”

“Which was worse, Matt? The lie? Or that you ‘had’ to kiss me?” Her voice quivered again. Not the way she had imagined her first kiss: even in the midst of the boy’s regret, she still felt the warmth the kiss had held at that first moment. It made his regret all the more painful, though, and she burst into tears.

“Oh shit, no…don’t start with that.” Matt stood up and held his arms wide in his own plea, as if the girl could just dismiss the pain and rejection she felt.

“NO…no….stop….” He started to pace nervously. The girl stood almost stock-still; still being if you mean standing and shivering like she was without a coat in a snowstorm. She put her hand over her face, more to cover her shame than to staunch the tears. He stopped and stepped closer before turning quickly and running up the road.

A short while later…

“Say your goodbyes, Matt.” His mother said from behind the wheel as she pulled the car up next to the snack area. He got out and walked gingerly to the machines where Olivia and her mother stood.

“It’s okay, babe. I’ll be at the cabin.” Her mother kissed her on the cheek before walking up the path behind the snack area, leaving her to greet the boy alone.

“I’m sorry I got mad,” Matt said with his arms out and his palms up; hardly an apology and much more of an excuse, as if to say, “You gotta admit, any guy would have done the same thing.” The sad part about that was that a lot of guys would have done the same thing.

“I gotta know…were you ever gonna tell me?” He looked away, but she caught his angry scowl.

“Get used to disappointment, Matt.” She shrugged her shoulders before thinking better of it.

“Damn it, Matt….Of course I was going to tell you. You kissed me, remember?” He shrugged his shoulders in answer as if he had no explanation. But he continued.

“I thought you were a girl?” His words stung; he really didn’t get it at all, and it left her feeling if anyone would ever get ‘her’ at all.

“I am a girl, Matt. I….I just don’t….It’s hard to explain.” Matt had a vague idea what she meant, but he began to at least try to understand.

“Like you’re in the wrong body? Like that guy on 20/20?” He had seen a news report they played again in health class.

“Yeah…the wrong body…that’s what my mom and I were talking about when your brother overheard us.” Matt looked her up and down. The sweater and heavy flannel of the cool day had covered up the body with the shorts and tank top of only days before. He tilted his head in wonder.

“If things work out, I get to have it fixed when I turn eighteen. I just turned fifteen, so I have to….”

She looked down at her body and thought of the response he and his brother had, and the prospects of three more years of the same overwhelmed her and she began to cry once again. This time harder and probably with much more pain than he had ever seen other than when his mom told him about his father’s death. She began shaking once again as well, and her helpless feelings seemed to grab him and shake him to his core. He stepped closer, but this time, instead of running away, he took the girl in his arms and held her.

“It’s okay…I’m really sorry.” The tone might have been a bit loud and rushed, but the arms holding the girl proved the sincerity of the words. She put her arm around his neck and put her head against his chest. What did he know about life and girls and boys who wanted to be girls? Boys who actually are girls? Nobody prepared him for the most confusing moment in his nearly seventeen years on earth.

He patted her on the back and spoke; softer and with much less urgency.

“It’s okay….shh….it’s okay.” Something had just changed inside him; the boy had become the young man; and not just any young man, but a young man who remembered the heartache of losing his own father; the young man who recalled the sad tears his mother shed when she told him his father was gone.

He hadn’t meant to, but the pivotal moment moved him; a literal movement that placed his hand on her cheek. She looked up briefly before putting her arm around his neck as she laid her head on his chest; a place that only moments before had been a place of anger and bias and shame. She began to shake as the tears came once again; this time cleansing and healing; perhaps for both.

“Shhhh.” He said and he leaned close and kissed her; not hard or long or so much romantic, but hard enough and long enough and just romantic enough to heal two people. She stood a tiptoe and added her other arm around his neck as she kissed back. It wasn’t the defining kiss…’the’ kiss for both of them would follow at other times and places. But it was defining, none the less, since it helped both of them realize in a way just who they were by how they saw themselves in each other’s eyes. A girl who was afraid she wasn’t a girl received strength and hope. And a boy who never really wanted to grow up to be a man became one from the confidence and gratitude of a girl who he realized had fallen into the category of ‘what might have been.’

“Matty…Mom sez we gotta get going……” He didn’t hear the rest of his brother’s words as he held the girl in his arms. A few seconds later they parted. He smiled.

“I…I gotta get going, okay?” She held his hand as long as she could as he stepped back. Moments later she stood by the car door, holding a hand that she thought she’d never even see again.

“Thank you.” He said nothing but nodded and smiled once again as the car pulled away.

“Thank you.”

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Adagio

I don't know where to find you
I don't know how to reach you
I hear your voice in the wind
I feel you under my skin
Within my heart and my soul
I wait for you
Adagio

The Vincenzo home, later that year…

Olivia turned over in her sleep; a fitful exercise in futility which left her feeling exhausted at nearly every day break. She woke and sat up quickly and winced; the remnant of a pulled muscle after stretching too fast after rising too quickly out of a nightmare the previous evening. She cried out and then quickly put her hand over her mouth, fearing that she’d wake her little brother and her mom. The thoughts had plagued her nightly, and she struggled to overcome the feelings of worthless existence that so often beset girls like her.

“Honey?” A voice spoke quietly and she turned to find her mom holding two mugs of tea; a new if entirely painful but necessary ritual for the two of them.

“Mom…” She melted; you know that feeling you get of helplessness after vowing you wouldn’t cry? The face or the sound of someone whose very presence gives you permission to cry? Her mom placed the tea on the nightstand and sat down on the bed and embraced her.

She leaned into her mom’s hug and wept softly, feeling both at home and an alien by crying. Sad and painful harm to self-esteem can do that; she knew she was ‘allowed’ to cry, but something inside her felt inauthentic and that part of her that still remained of her past told her that ‘boys’ don’t cry. Two lies in three words. Boys indeed do cry, of course. But also she wasn’t a boy any longer. She never really ‘was’ a boy, in a manner of speaking.

Tony Benedetto, Jr. kept watch and protected and lived through the first fifteen or so years of their life, but he was only a part of who the girl had been; the part that was Olivia had struggled to emerge from the cocoon they shared; finally appearing several months before their sixteenth birthday. Her therapist had helped her at least integrate that part that was Tony; also coaxing her to accept how wonderful and blessed a part of her life Tony had been and always would be.

It really was Olivia Vincenzo that she struggled to accept; the part of her who was more of her than she had realized but knew deep inside…the core whom both of them had been. But nearer the surface, the image was distorted like some perverted real-life funhouse mirror, and made her question her own existence; the ’that can’t be me’ that accused her every night.

And then, like the title of the old movie it was ‘suddenly last summer!’ Not only was a new-found confidence in her gender awakened, but real feeling of worth driven by the attention of a boy; a boy whom she wanted to remember and at the same time labored to forget.

She finally was coming to the place where she could look in the mirror and say, ‘that is me!’ But now it was, ‘it can’t be me he likes.’ His initial acceptance was thrown down and shattered into pieces; as fragile as she was, it confirmed her fears that she indeed was inauthentic.

But then he saw her again; his vision altered through the prism of the pain she bared to him. A pain that was all-too similar to his own loss; both of them fatherless. Where Tony had sought and failed to find his father’s approval before his parents’ divorce, Matt had received and treasured his father’s love and acceptance before his father’s death. Two empty places in hearts much more alike than either could ever admit.

Olivia looked at her mother; the pleading eyes that had been so out of place on Tony’s face were just what anyone might have expected when they got to know the insecure girl. Alicia Vincenzo had always loved her elder child, but their relationship, strained though it had been for so long, had grown closer than ever when she discovered that Carlo, the younger of her two children, was the only boy in the family.

“First loves…so much joy when they begin and so much pain when they end.”

She sighed and pulled Olivia closer; kissing her on the forehead. Hardly a ‘love’ at all; the seed had been planted hastily as things go, and the first kiss was quickly followed by the first rejection. Perhaps if they just found they weren’t meant for each other it might have hurt less. Perhaps if he never had kissed her, it would surely never have hurt.

But the renewal…the words that said ‘I’m sorry’ fused irrevocably with the ‘second’ kiss; it hurt more because she lost more when they parted. Hope that maybe she was real withered and was dying on the vine for lack of any nurture. Her mother’s words of encouragement might have been good soil for the hope that had begun, but without another to water her heart, that hope would surely die. She leaned into her mother’s breast and cried harder than at any other time in her life.

Most mothers with daughters would face the same dialogue and the same consolation almost the same way.

"Yes, honey, it hurts, but we all go through it, and it will get better.”

Reassurances that rang hollow because while Alicia could understand what it was like to lose someone when love died or never grew, she had no way of knowing what it was like when self succumbed to guilt and shame and feelings of foolish beliefs.

“Yes, honey, it will get better?” When she had no idea what it was like to doubt one’s very heart and soul. She knew her daughter was a girl; that was plain to her, even if she had arrived perhaps somewhat late to that conclusion. Now what she faced was the daunting task of affirming her child’s self image while consoling her daughter’s loss.

“Yes, honey, we all go through it; even girls who started life as boys. But it will get better?” She pondered that idea silently; Alicia was at a loss for the ‘right’ words, and prayed they would finally come to her even as she held Olivia in her arms.

“Mommy?” Olivia pled once again; no need for any other word. She hadn’t used that name since she was eleven when she came home after her best friend called her a name best left unsaid. The barely confident, nearly sixteen-year-old was little again; feeling small in age and stature. Alicia’s soft cries echoed her daughter’s sobs and she placed her hand on Olivia’s chin.

“Honey? Olivia?” The gesture alone had gotten the girl’s attention, but the firm yet quiet and resolute tone gained her daughter’s hope.

“You are so precious to me, and I thank god I have such a beautiful daughter.”

A simple statement, but novel. Alicia had said ‘I love you,’ in many ways and often enough, but it was the first time she said the word ‘daughter’ to Olivia. The girl looked her in the eyes, blinking back tears. It was probably one of the best early birthday presents anyone ever could get; to affirm her worth and identity, and Olivia threw her arms around her mother; she shook almost convulsively, but it was a moment that was overwhelmingly joyous, no matter how much hurt that might remain, and it was their moment. A moment that both would remember as defining as anything in either of their lives.

Alicia looked Olivia for the first time in a different light; even in holding her like she was still a little child, the past had been remade, and it was her little girl she held. Not only a little girl, but a girl that was destined to grow beyond the moment, and have the same heartaches over a boy that any other girl might have who longs for love…that first crush…and all the pain and foolish hope that first crush contains.

The boy, Alicia imagined, would only be the first of several until Olivia found that one real, true love of her life. Little did she know how true that would come to be and how quickly that would come to pass.

She sighed and smiled even as the last of her present tears trickled down her cheek. It was only then that she felt confident that she would be able to help mend the heart that had been inevitably broken over a first fleeting crush, knowing with assurance that her daughter would finally come to know that she truly was her daughter.

“Precious, Olivia! My baby!”

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Every Night…Every Day…

I tell my heart to forget you and to move away
Not to break anymore
But, oh, no matter
What I say
You're so deep in my mind
There's no way to leave this love behind

A few Years Later, the Vincenzo home, Spencerport, New York...

Olivia felt foolish enough that she realized she was blushing even though she was alone; two-forty-one in the morning, the only light in the room was the dimmed display of her laptop as she stared at the image on the screen. The face was familiar if entirely brand new; resembling what she thought the boy would look like. At eighteen and ready to take on the world in the fall at college, she nevertheless was still stuck a bit in the past.

Why life had to be so painful, she had yet to discover; her abiding (mostly) faith told her to ask God the next time she saw him (or her) to get the lowdown. Either she’d discover it on her own, or not at all, since most questions of that persuasion seem to be answered way down the line or entirely too soon, so to speak. She sighed and closed the laptop; too many nights of visual speculation, as her mother would call it, and certainly not enough sleep. And being only seven weeks past her surgery, she needed all the rest she could get, since school was almost about to start.

“Still at it?”

She looked up to see her mother standing in the doorway; arms folded in boredom wrought from a painful routine for both the women of the household. She wasn’t so much upset with Olivia as angry at herself for how Olivia was faring…transition-wise. The dreaded ‘T’ word that held so much promise in brochures and handouts but fell way short of any expectations, however unrealistic.

And of course her daughter was doing well in a lot of aspects of her life. She had been attending U of R already for two years; the result of hard work and diligence had paid off in an early entry after her junior year in high school. Her grades were not spectacular, but still good enough to help build confidence in a girl who barely believed in herself in so many ways.

And there was that pesky crush she had held onto since her fifteenth summer. Nearly four years removed and that boy was still haunting her. It didn’t help that each time she began a relationship it was plagued with stutter-steps and false starts; insecurity fueled by old fears and doubts and idiots without a clue who never looked past looking at her.

Her sweet sixteen party had been a bust; only a couple of girls from school and a nice girl like her from her support group. She had invited her best friend from before things began to change; Jeremy Condoso was Tony’s best buddy growing up, but couldn’t handle Tony becoming Olivia. He came to the party long enough to stand at the door and curse before storming off. By the time they reached eighteen, Jeremy did come ‘round, as they say, but only in the boyfriend-cum-brother department.

Carlo, her brother, was about as supportive as anyone with fools for friends might be; never speaking harshly about her condition, but neither did he correct them when they teased.

One day that changed forever when Carlo hit a maturity wall at sixteen and got into a fight. He would tell everyone later on that he got ‘beat to shit,’ which earned him no small amount of correction from Alicia and the undying admiration of his big sister. And somehow the strength he showed did a great deal to dissuade his former friends from picking on Olivia.

And so approaching her nineteenth birthday, Olivia was both hopeful and nervous about what life might bring in the way of romance to a girl who felt shaky and ill-prepared and insecure. Her mother would tell her that regardless of what circumstances said to her, she had been preparing to be a woman from the time she was born. No one gets a guarantee that they’ll succeed in any aspect of their lives, and in that fact her self-image grew slowly.

“Hell, I couldn’t cook when I married your Dad, and my Mom and Dad owned a restaurant.” Alicia assured her daughter that everyone comes up short in some things; still well meaning falling short herself in the comfort department. A voice; almost a rebuke, came from behind Alicia.

“Can I just add my two cents?” Carlo leaned around his mother while holding onto the door frame; almost peeking out from behind her. He didn’t wait for permission.

“I don’t want to sound too strange…” He paused as both women stared at him with near-identical grins.

“Okay, I don’t want to sound stranger than usual. Listen O…you’re just about as nice a girl as anyone I know…okay, so I don’t know all that many girls.” At fifteen plus years, he was hardly even coming into his own with the opposite sex, and the gender confusion in the household, so he though, added to his own doubts. But it was like a light bulb went on in his head, and his epiphany helped him be what we all hope our brothers will be; albeit awkwardly. He put his hands on his hips like some skinny wannabe super-hero.

“Have no fear. Carlo is here!” All the while nodding as if to acknowledge a non-existent army of fans.

“Get to the point, Carlo.” Olivia snapped. No one was in all that good a mood at nearly three AM. He laughed, softly and with as oddly comforting a look as either women could remember.

“I know you feel bad about yourself. I’ve heard you cry enough to know it isn’t going to go away. But you’re a great girl, and whoever is actually crazy enough to go out with you will have the best girlfriend he …or she ever had, okay? Whatever you think you had with this guy….jeez, O, it’s been four years, and you’ve gotta move on. You’re standing around waiting for someone because you can’t believe anyone else can see past that fact that you were Tony instead of Olivia when you were growing up. I think you’re a girl. Mom thinks you’re a girl. You’ve gotta believe your friends think you’re a girl, right?”

Olivia put her head down and was silent. Carlo walked over to her and sat down. Some guy in East Jabib might kiss you again IF you ever meet him and IF he’s free and IF HE hasn’t changed, but you have to know that he just can’t be the only one, okay. God didn’t bring you this far to point at you now that you had everything fixed just to say….’Hah…gotcha.’ Right, Mom?”

“I know ….that’s not the way she works.” Alicia said, teasing Carlo. He and she would have debates from time to time about God, and they finally came to a mutual appreciation for each other’s view regarding God as Mom or Pop. He nodded and turned to Olivia.

“Now, you have to believe I’m right if Mom and I are in agreement.”

“You don’t understand.”

“You’re right,” he laughed softly…”I have absolutely no fucking idea what you’re going through.” His brief foray into profanity earned him a mock glower from Alicia. Olivia looked at him quizzically.

“I don’t know what you’re going through, but I know you, and I know you’ve just got to believe in yourself the way Mom and I do, okay? It’s gonna be okay. Hell, before you know it, I’ll be walkin’ you down the aisle….” He looked at Olivia again and smiled.

“If you’re expecting a hug, sorry, but you’ll be sadly disappointed.” He went to stand up, but he had forgotten somehow that even if he didn’t hug her, she was entirely capable of hugging him, which she did along with a few …well, more than a few tears. Alicia sighed as she saw the two embrace, and for the first time since their father had left the three of them, she felt secure in the knowledge that everything would finally be okay.

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Ruth Miller Center, University of Rochester...Mid August…

“I’ll catch you after my last class,” Olivia waved to the girl who stopped in the middle of the hallway. A wave and a nod and the girl was gone. Olivia turned to enter the office when a tallish young man tapped her gently on the shoulder, giving her a start.

“Can you help me? I’m looking for the support center?” He smiled and looked back and forth in the hallway. She went to speak and he began to laugh.

“You don’t remember me, do you?” He smiled and she noticed that his right eye seemed immobile. He had a scar that traversed his face from mid-cheek across his right eye to the top of his forehead. Likely an accident she thought. She shook her head. He looked vaguely familiar, but nothing like anyone she knew.

“It’s me…Matt…you remember…that summer…” He waited as the wheels turned slowly in her head. Her face grew warm and then hot and a nice shade of pink darkened her cheeks.

“Oh MY GOD!” It was really all she could say. She looked around nervously, hoping that there was an open door through which she could run, but the hallway was busier than usual, and he barred the door of the office she needed to enter.

“I’m going to be starting tomorrow in the nursing program, of all things. Funny, huh.” He ignored her embarrassment as if they’d been connected all along. He put his hand on her shoulder.

“I’ve thought a lot about you since that summer. Really.” He smiled broadly and went to speak, but a girl stepped out of the office and stood next to him, grabbing his arm. She stood a bit tip toe and kissed his cheek.

“Hi Matt… I’m glad you could make it. I’m sorry, but I’ve got to run; my advisor texted me and she’s only got a slot just before lunch. Love you.” She nodded to Olivia with a kind if oblivious smile before scurrying down the hall. Matt’s eyes followed her down the hall before he turned around to face Olivia. She went to speak, finally feeling safe enough to talk, but he put his hand softly on her arm.

“This works out. I stopped by because I can’t hang around anyway; my doctor has an opening in about ten minutes on the other side of town. I’ve got to run, but it’s been great seeing you. Maybe we can catch up sometime.”

He pecked her on the cheek before running down the hall in the opposite direction toward the parking lot and was gone in moments. Olivia stood in the hallway, which by now had emptied for the most part. She looked up and down the hall, retracing where the girl had disappeared and then at the exit to the parking lot on the other end. She shook her head and sighed. Searching and hoping and praying for a dream unfulfilled for so long;

Olivia couldn’t believe her fortune that she had been in just the right place to run into the all time (if only) love of her life. But her eyes looked back to where the girl had gone, and the implications hit her suddenly. She looked back once again to where Matt had disappeared and her eyes widened in sad recognition and she burst into tears.

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Dire (Tell)

More than anything,
that's the way you wanted to love her.
Nothing but us,
that's what you said to make her dream.
After all,
lying to her did you no good.
Now you're all alone, your heart off its stride

Country Hills Estate Apartments, Henrietta, New York...

“Was that?” The girl’s voice faded off as she looked at Matt. He seemed lost in thought, and she touched his elbow, giving him a start.

“Yeah…amazing after all this time.” He smiled; the right side of his face contorted only a very small bit as his grin widened.

“You going to tell her about me?” The girl shrugged her shoulders, feeling almost unimportant at the need to bring up the subject first.

“What do you think?” He smiled at the girl, evoking a very small arch of her left eyebrow.

“I’d have thought that you would at least have introduced me, but I guess that wasn’t really on your mind.” She pouted, and his glare put her off even more until he smiled again.

“Let’s just say I was pre-occupied. Of course I’m going to introduce you. She needs to know you, just as much as you need to know her, right?”

“I…I guess. It just seems that whenever we’re out somewhere you almost seem embarrassed about me. I don’t understand, and it really hurts.” She bit her lip. It had been a long day, and she was feeling more vulnerable than usual, which left her feeling exposed and ashamed.

“I would have thought that you’d understand more than most.”

He teased; a familiarity that no one else could manage, but she knew he wasn’t being mean. No one on earth knew her better than him other than her own mother; the mother who dwelt now in a mansion on the other side of eternity. Without Matt, she would be lost entirely. Oh, she’d eventually find her way, but it would be very hard. Having lost her mother in the last year, it would be almost crushing to know that she’d lost Matt as well, but he was a survivor, and so was she. They suited each other just fine, even if it was an arrangement neither of them had ever dreamed possible.

“I talked to the volunteer at the office this morning after my meeting with my advisor. She said you can see the girl of your dreams most days in the afternoon; she volunteers there.” There was an undertone of regret, even her action had been entirely her own choice.

“Wait a second. I never said she was the girl of my dreams. You don’t have to feel threatened by her.” Matt shook his head; this time his glare was real, leaving the girl feeling entirely uncomfortable and embarrassed.

“I was only trying to help.” She shrugged her shoulders and turned away. Another misstep in her own journey had her tripping over his baggage. She put her hand to her face, feeling like a failure at doing the least but nicest thing she knew to do. He stepped closer and pulled her into an awkward hug.

“I know. And I appreciate it, but I’m not ready for that. I just can’t handle anything other than school right now.” He pulled her closer and kissed her forehead.

“I’m so sorry; this has to be the hardest time of your life, and I get angry at you. We’ll get through this. I promise.” He held her tight and she began to cry. Losing her mother was so painfully difficult in and of itself; losing Matt would have been almost paralyzing. He kissed her on the forehead again.

“I promise.”

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The Commons, University of Rochester...

“This seat taken?” Matt didn’t wait for a answer since Olivia was sitting by herself in the near empty cafeteria.

“Oh, hi,” she said almost in a whisper; downplaying her excitement certainly felt the way to go. He smiled and popped the top of his Dr. Pepper.

“So…what have you been doing with yourself…you know? I mean did you do it?” He took a swig of his soda.

“What do you mean, did I do it? If you mean, did I have the surgery? Yes.” Her face grew crimson and hot. She folded her arms and looked away.

“I’m sorry. Of course that’s what I meant. GRS….gender recognition surgery…. Because you’ve been a girl for a while…. Maybe forever?” His tone was soft and sympathetic. She unfolded her arms and turned toward him, finding him smiling kindly.

“Yes…like forever. Exactly.” She shrugged and bit her lip, feeling entirely out of place and embarrassed. He reached over and put his hand on her wrist, which she pulled away quickly. She changed the subject quickly, abandoning her own recent past, but feeling very insecure about his. She gazed at the scar on his face; absentmindedly at first, but with a bit of anxiety as she realized she was staring.

“How? Security guy blew himself up…killed two from my platoon. I was actually lost in thought about someone back home, or I would have been right next to them when the bomb went off. As it was, I just managed to turn enough into it…” His voice trailed off and she shook her head.

“I am so sorry. Here I am getting all worked up over my own stuff. And you?” She turned away, her face growing red once again. He touched her wrist and she didn’t resist but turned back to him. Unconsciously, she raised her hand to caress his face, but stopped, pulling her hand back in embarrassment.

“It’s okay…go ahead. It’s alright, Olivia.” He smiled and she lowered her head, feeling overwhelmed at his pain and his mentioning her name. He pulled her hand close and placed it on his face.

“I’m glad you wanted to touch my face. There are days where I feel so ugly.” He cast his gaze sideways, as if he could actually see the scar that gave evidence of his hurt. She touched his cheek, wiping a single tear from under his sightless eye.

“I’m….I’m so honored that you thought of me.”

“I…yes…” He lied, and not very well.

“You were thinking of her…the girl who….greeted you the other day.” She couldn’t bring herself to say the word, ‘kissed.’

“Yes. I was thinking of her.” She sighed at his ‘confession,’ and turned away once again. And once again he went to touch her wrist. This time she folded her arms.

“I’ve got to run to class. It’s real good seeing you, Olivia.” He stood up and went to kiss her cheek. She didn’t turn away, but showed no emotion as he kissed her. He shook his head, feeling entirely let down and angry at himself at the same time. In a moment he was gone and she was left alone once again. This time her face was hot and red and wet as tears began to cascade down her cheeks. She put her head down on her arms on the table and wept softly.

She had sworn
sweetness, tenderness forever.
Out of love,
she had given herself
as she truly was.
She wanted to love you,
they frightened you,
these overdoses of happiness.

---

---

That evening...

“I saw her today at the cafeteria.” Matt said as he tossed his backpack onto the chair in the corner of the living room before walking into the kitchen.

“How did that go? The girl rose from the couch and walked into the kitchen and hugged him from behind.

“What’s that all about? You feeling threatened?” He laughed softly.

“No…never. I’m glad that you’ve found someone that knows what a jerk you used to be.” She giggled.

“This is getting really odd, you know?” He pulled a bottle of water from the fridge and practically inhaled it. She rubbed his arm.

“There…that’s what I mean. I’m just not used to this.” He seemed almost sullen, which didn’t help the girl at all. She pulled away and shrugged her shoulders before running down the hall to the bathroom. She didn’t slam the door, but the lock clicked; that alone would have been enough except for the sobbing on the other side of the door.

“Come on…you know I care!” He pled; his forehead was against the doorframe as he listened.

“I can’t help it. It took me so long to get over thinking you were dead, and then you show up unannounced and tell me you’re going to go to school right here? What do you expect me to do? “ She stammered.

“I’m not used to you? I hardly know you anymore, after what I went through!” He touched his cheek.

“What you went through? How about what I went through. The hardest time in my life and in the middle of what was supposed to be difficult all by itself and my mother dies?” She and he were right and wrong at the same time; understandably confused and scared and entirely selfish, but with little understanding and sympathy for each other. Something had to give. The door lock clicked once again and the girl stepped out of the bathroom and into Matt’s arms.

“I’m so sorry….you nearly died and I’m so selfish.” She sobbed and he pulled her close stroking her hair.

“It’s alright….honey.” The word nearly stuck in his throat; a painful but reasonable reaction to something he had never uttered before. Life had taken on more meaning; deeper and with much more value than he could recall before he left home. And relationships, while predictably unpredictable, always would remain confusing; he was a guy, of course. He kissed her cheeks, tasting the salt of her tears. Something that he had never done in his life; a gesture that was healing for both him and her.

“I’m sorry, too, Erin.” Funny how some things turn out. He would never have imagined waking up in a hospital in Germany when his own life passed before his eyes. A life that included the death of his mother while he was deployed, and the utterly unpredictably marvelous change that Erin had undergone.

He was finding that he was healing from the loss of his mother almost on a moment to moment basis. And he found that he was recovering quickly from the loss of his brother; a loss that was really just a change of decoration in a way as his brother Aaron had become his sister Erin in his absence.

---

---

Everything, everything
Everything is over between us
I don't have the strength anymore at all
To believe and to hope
Everything, everything
Right now, I'm telling you everything

A few days later...

“You have to tell her; it’s only fair.” Erin looked out the window of the apartment down to the courtyard below; imagining a visit from the girl that had almost come between the recently reunited and changed siblings.

“There’s no such thing as ‘fair,’ Ar,” Matt said. As much as it still frustrated her, he found it difficult calling her Erin all the time, though he tried. Old habits died hard, and it really wasn’t all that bad from his sister’s perspective. She had learned from friends all through her own transition that family often doesn’t bother with new names; not because they forgot, but because they don’t care enough to even speak to girls like her.

“Yeah, I know…it is what it is. I get that. What I mean is that you owe her an explanation. For all of our sakes, right?” She didn’t bother to turn around to face him. Conversations without eye contact were so much easier, weren’t they?”

“I know. I just don’t know how to tell her.” He stepped up and put his hand on Erin’s shoulder. She didn’t pull away, but her focus remained out through the window and down an imaginary road leading to God knows what.

“She’ll be fine.” This was his usual outlook on life; a tendency he had picked up after being nearly killed thousands of miles and light years of experience away. But even if he had steeled himself to the pain of disappointment and hurt, and even if he was strong in the face of it all, he had no right to expect everyone could handle what he could. And he hardly handled it anyway, preferring instead to push it down and bury it with the dirt of numb ignorance.

“She won’t be fine. You saw the way she looked at you! It’s going to hurt her, and you need to say something. And before you forget, you’re the one making all the decisions around here. You left me out completely, and it hurts that you don’t care enough about how I feel and about how she feels. And yes…I know you’re hurt too, Matt, but the difference is, we’re getting help, and you’re just moving on. But if you want to use pop-Psych, remember that no matter where you go, there you are. You brought your pain and your hurt home with you.”

“I can handle it.” The more things change? Like when they were kids, Matt just plowed through life; preferring to push things aside instead of deal with them. What he didn’t realize or chose to ignore is that while he was pushing one problem to the wayside, another or several had attached themselves to him. And the more he ignored them, the deeper their barbs dug into his mind and heart and soul.

“I’m going to talk with her.” Erin shook her head and Matt pulled back suddenly. She turned around and was frightened to see the look on his face; a dangerous look, but to no one but himself.

“I won’t say a thing about you. Aslan…. No one’s story but their own?” She evoked a saying from an old and favorite character.

“If you say something, she’ll know…she will.”

“She might know the ‘what’ if that, but it’s up to you to tell her your story and the ‘whys’ of it all. The very thing you’re worried about protecting is almost the thing that will almost welcome what you have to say. She’s cared about you for a long time….right?” Erin flinched as he put his hand on her shoulder again. Her own frustration was coming out, and not a moment too soon. It was almost like walking in a minefield for her when she spoke about her own ‘stuff,’ as he called it; an ironic metaphor.

“I…I know, but I don’t want to hurt her.”

“It’s gotten beyond that, Matt. That ship set sail a long time ago. She’s too important….” Erin’s voice trailed off as she thought about the girl. A sigh escaped her lips and she turned once again to face her brother.

“I’m going to reach out to her after our support group tomorrow. She still doesn’t know who I am, and that has to change for her sake and yours.” She put her head down and sighed again.

“You going to tell her everything?” He practically pled.

“No…not yet. Just that I’m someone she knows already. She’s going to be very upset that you didn’t say anything, and I can’t help that, but I’ve got my own issues to deal with, right?” He looked at her in amazement. His brother truly had ‘gone’ from his life; leaving some sort of sage but softer doppelganger. Things change.

“I mean are you telling her everything about yourself?”

“N….no.” A tinge of frustration and preemptive regret?

“So who’s holding back now?” He laughed, and she frowned at him before tears came to her eyes. How could he possibly say that? How could he be so utterly focused on his own pain even if he chose to deflect it like so many missiles while being oblivious to hers? He stepped closer and ignored the arms that pushed away and gathered her into a hug.

“I’m sorry, Er….” He smiled. At least he got that right. Things do change.

“I know it’s been so hard for you. And you’re right. I don’t want to tell her. I can’t. But maybe what you have to say to her will help me? The bravest person Erin ever knew other than her mother was standing beside her; the boy who protected her when she was little and awkward and filled with secrets no one would hear but him. The little boy had become a young woman; rather the young woman who had been there all along finally got some recognition and validation.

“I don’t know if I can,” she sobbed. What is that old saying about the heart wanting what it wants? The last time they had seen Olivia before the past several weeks was years before in the parking lot of a cabin-filled campground. Erin leaned closer to her brother and put her head on his chest. He was always strong and even as a little boy, she had loved his smell; something about him made her feel safe as if she actually had someone who cared like a father, even if it had been an ill-equipped if well-meaning brother.

“I guess we both have something we need to say. Tell you what….” He laughed softly; a habit of his that served to steer conversations into safer places. He reached into his pocket and produced a silver dollar; a ‘gift’ from one of his buddies back in the field when he retrieved the ‘lucky’ piece from his dead friend’s hand. A souvenir to remind him of how little luck came into his life while faith never departed.

“You call it, okay?” She said as she looked at the coin.

“Okay…heads you tell her first? Tails, I tell her second?” He laughed again, causing her to smile just a bit through her tears.

“Okay……” She pursed her lips and blew out a long breath before inhaling deeply; preparation for a plunge into dark waters roiled by confusion and doubt.

Right now, I'm telling you everything
Of this emptiness between us
Of your disappointed hands
Everything, all that unites us
All that destroys our bodies
Is now over

---

---

Life has a way of intervening into our affairs, and things don’t always feel good afterwards, even if they turn out just fine. Matt felt safe in the knowledge that he would be on the sidelines in a way as Erin carried the ‘hopes’ of the team. But things took a decidedly uncomfortable and unexpected turn.

“Oh…hi.” Olivia said gingerly as she used her head to point to the table and her tray, as if she actually needed permission to sit next to an old friend; more than an old friend of course, at least from her perspective. He nodded and looked around, as if Erin might suddenly show up and ‘sub’ for him. No such luck.

“I was hoping that I’d see you.” She sighed before continuing. A dearth of communication between two people can arise from a variety of reasons. Both of them carried a heavy class load and of course she lived off campus with her mom while he lived in an apartment, from what she understood. Nevertheless it remained frustrating. She put her hand out to touch his wrist but drew it back; almost in anticipation of the same gesture from him. He leaned back in his chair; retreating.

“I’m…I’m sorry. I’ve been…” She was going to say ‘pushy,’ but that was so far away from how she had really been; frightened to ask and too much in pain to keep silent.

“I’m…I’m sorry.” He said it almost as if to override her apology. He looked away, hoping for the words to say. He needed to tell her how he felt; how things really were, but the words got stuck somewhere between his brain and his tongue with a detour through a very anxious heart. Words came, but not from him and not from Olivia, either.

“Oh…Matt….hi!” A voice came from just over Olivia’s shoulder. She turned to see a woman standing straight; almost at attention, which suited her since she was in uniform. She walked around the table. She smiled; a very warm but disconcerting expression before sitting down next to Matt.

“Oh…hi.” Matt said weakly, wishing he was back in uniform himself but far, far away. The woman leaned over and kissed his cheek; a nice, friendly, if entirely unexpected and nearly unwelcomed gesture. He smiled without a word.

“You’re so hard to track down. Erin said you’d probably be here between classes.” The woman paused and shook her head.

“She seemed a bit put-off; like I had said or done something I shouldn’t have.” Matt shrugged his shoulders and shook his head to mirror her gesture, but more to wonder how fate had conspired against him. No conspiracy, but more of a seemingly circuitous but actually a timely blessing.

“Well, anyway, I found you, and that’s what matters. I suppose things have been very hectic for you both since you got back.” Olivia’s eyes widened in what could have been taken for recognition but for her complete misreading of what the woman had said. Matt nodded silently.

“Oh,” the woman said; her own eyes widening as she turned to face Olivia. She reached out and shook Olivia’s hand.

“You must be Olivia, right?” A statement. Olivia nodded; also without words.

“I’m Kristen…Kris. Matt’s told me all about you.” All? As in everything? As in past history and an entirely awkward present?

“Has he asked you yet?” She turned to Matt, who looked a bit pale; for someone who had stood up to death and mayhem and loss, he seemed almost…weak. Understandable but still self-centeredness can knock you off your focus, and he was practically falling out of his metaphoric chair.

“Uh….nice to meet you?” A question to herself. Olivia had barely met the woman and was already in anxious awe and embarrassment over the woman’s stature. Not so much tall, though she was, but more in how she held herself. Olivia noticed that the woman seemed confident, but with a soft, inclusive edge. She wanted to hate her and welcome her at the same time as confusion hit her hard.

“You’re not saying much, Matt. Did you ask her?” It was more out of deference for Olivia than for Matt’s silence. He sighed and spoke.

“I…I haven’t told her yet.” Courage enough to speak even if it meant being very uncomfortable and perhaps even regretfully ashamed and sad. He turned to face Olivia and half-frowned; mostly at the awkwardness of the moment that was not to be eluded; no retreat, but no defense either.

“Kris….” He struggled with the words, but they didn’t come. He shook his head and his eyes teared up as Kris reached over with her left hand and grabbed his; a gesture more suited to friends… close friends…than comrades in arms. Olivia looked at the woman’s hand and noticed a small but attractive ring. She looked up and Kris was staring at her; a sympathy she could do without even if well intended from a nice person.

“You?...You’re?”

“Oh, dear god, honey….” Olivia would have thought the endearment was a correction for Matt, but it was intended for her; another kind if entirely unwelcome gift from the woman seated next to the love of her life.

“I’m so sorry. I thought you knew.” The words were filled with regret and embarrassment as well. She reached over to touch Olivia’s hand. Olivia stood up and shook her head. Tears always came easily with her to begin with, but they flowed with more energy and sadness as she realized that her life was changed forever; perhaps even more than when she had transitioned as she looked at Matt and Kris; the love of her life and his fiancé. She gave up trying to be strong and just turned away without a word and walked out of the cafeteria. Matt went to get up but Kris put her hand on his arm.

“I think she needs to be alone, hon.” He put his head down at her words before he felt the gentle touch of a strong hand.

“I know.” She stroked his cheek. He put his hand to his face and began to weep; moments like this usually brought things to the surface; unrelated but for their similarly emotional intensity. She pulled him closer into a half-hug.

“I know.”

---

---

Hope

Just like the sea
No one possesses you
And no one can go down to
The deepest side of you
Just like a tree
Decades and memories
Articulate and seal
Every one of your dreams
When I need you I secretly sing you this part of my soul

The Vincento home…

Carlo was late for a group date at the local pizza place which promised to split off into a more intimate if entirely chaste time between him and his girlfriend. He walked into the kitchen where Olivia sat at the table. He kissed Olivia on the cheek and spoke softly.

“I love you sis. Mika and I will be thinking of you and maybe praying, okay?” He didn’t wait for the answer, but kissed her again in parting before running out the door.

“It hurts, Mom. I made a fool of myself!” Olivia manipulated a fork around a barely-touched portion of Shepherd’s Pie. Alicia poured two mugs of coffee and placed them on the table. Sitting down, she touched Olivia’s arm. The girl pulled her mother close and welcomed a hug.

“I know, honey. It really looked good for a while. It hurts more than you can even say, right?” She rubbed the girl’s arm.

“It felt like he really wanted to start something.” It really was all about feelings and senses and impressions, since they hardly had talked since they rediscovered each other. And now to find he was engaged? From her standpoint, it was more about assumptions and presumptions and foolish dreams. She began to cry softly; not a self-piteous wail, but more a deep regret for being vulnerable and willing to try, even when that had to be the way for her to live her life. What other choice did she have; do any of us really have other than put ourselves out.

“It felt like…I’m so stupid.” She shook her head and Alicia mirrored her expression in disagreement.

“No, honey…you’re just a girl…a human being, in fact.” Alicia remembered her own hopes and dreams with Tony Sr. and how building both him and the relationship up much greater than what either deserved while allowing him to pull her down. Matt certainly wasn’t treating Olivia that way, but the hurt was just as hurtful.

“I thought he was an angel, Mom….honest to God….it felt like he was sent….just for me. I’m so stupid.” She leaned closer to her mother and wept hard. Alicia felt so helpless; nothing she could say or do would take the pain away. She patted Olivia on the back and spoke softly.

“You’re my girl…shhhh…. Shhhh.

Why do I love
Why do I hate and die
Where do these things all lie
I don't know why I cry
When I need you I secretly sing you this part of my soul

---

Elsewhere…

Two figures almost huddled against the November cold; their bare bodies drawing warmth from each other just as their hearts drew similar strength. The younger was perhaps older than her years from the loss and grief and change she sustained. The older was likely younger because of the heart that beat optimistically from an unshakeable faith in spite of great pain.

“You okay? I hate when I hurt you like that,” she said, sighing heavily.

“You didn’t hurt me; and your touch reminded me that the hurt is temporary but love is forever.” The younger woman not only blushed at her lover’s words but began to cry; a relieved sobbing from being fulfilled and given hope from someone who had no right but every duty to hope.

“It’s okay. It’s going to happen, honey…. A lot, in fact, and you can’t do a thing about changing that. All we can do is live with it and maybe move along as much as we can.

“I feel so helpless.”

“You almost are; at least in this case, Erin.” Kristen pulled Erin’s right hand to her lips and kissed the palm; sending a shiver down the girl’s spine. Barely nineteen and lost in so many ways, the girl still knew from almost the time she was born that she knew that she knew, as some put it. She fought feelings of insecurity nearly every day, as so many girls her age and background feel; although Kristen could give her a run for her money in that regard. Words come to mind that describe the emotions she felt on a daily basis. Inauthentic. Unreal. Phony was especially tenacious.

But even though they started from two different kinds of beginnings, Kristen felt the same things almost as frequently. Where Erin felt incomplete and perhaps lacking because of her birth, Kristen felt almost the same way because of her life….or rather, the death she survived, in a way.

“I feel helpless all the time until I remember I have you.” Kristen said as she stroked the girl’s face.

“And then I realize that in you God gave me all the help I’d ever need.” She smiled at the girl; tears seemed to come painfully slow for her, but when they arrived they fell like a summer downpour. She looked at the girl; eyeing her up and down wasn’t so much a sensual experience as an inventory of the gifts the girl enjoyed even as she lacked in so many others.

“I hate myself.” The girl complained. She did. It wasn’t a simpering plaint for attention but rather a real expression of how she felt about herself. Nothing short of the change that was due soon would make a difference in the way she felt. But she had someone who gave her hope and help as well.

“I love your self,” Kristen mused. The whole person, ‘warts and all,’ as the old saying goes. The things that she still retained that she nearly despised even as they remained integral parts of whom Kristen had come to love. They hadn’t meant to fall in love, as many find on a nearly daily basis. If they had been different ages or different genders or different whatever, it would have been the same, since they were drawn together in an experience that seemed to hearken to the designs of a loving god.

“I don’t…. I can’t…” Even as Erin spoke her eyes cast downward to that part of her that made her almost cower in fear of never changing. The thing that made her what she wished to leave continued to remind her almost moment by moment; the product of thoughts that seemed to derive energy from some youth that remained. And when you don’t like yourself, it’s always hard to forget.

“The first day I saw you I fell in love with you.” Kristen said; stroking her chin almost like a mother might encourage a child. Maybe there was some of that in their relationship, but nothing is concrete when it comes to love other than perhaps the determination behind the love.

Kristen was nearly ten years older than Erin, which might raise eyebrows even in an older-man/younger-woman pairing. And truth be told? If Erin came to her tomorrow and said she wasn’t going through with her surgery, it would have been just fine. But nothing she could say or do would change the way things were…not just how Erin felt or thought, but the deep-down core of her being that cried out for change.

“I don’t….I…” The voice was weak; almost a quiver. She looked at Kristen’s hand and then her own. Matching rings that spoke of commitment. Even that was hard for her, since as a student she had nothing but the clothes on her back and the love in her heart to bring to the relationship. She sighed heavily, wanting very much to cry. She held back a lot; feeling a need to not be an emotional burden to Kristen, but she could have cried her eyes out every night and it would have made no difference to the woman who loved her from the start.

“I do…” Kristen said as she began stroking the girl’s thigh. It was almost a frightening moment for the girl; that feeling of having to reciprocate in an identical manner that we all sometimes get. She reached out and went to stroke Kristen’s thigh and pulled her hand back with a start, as if it was she who had been shocked by the energy of the touch. She stared at Kristen’s leg, following the lines of the beautiful thigh to a very well-turned knee. Her gaze stopped abruptly at the sight of the beginning of scars that came to an end at the stump of Kristen’s left ankle.

“It’s alright.” Kristen said softly, pulling Erin’s hand gently back into place at the terminus.

“I’m so…..so…sorry.” For what? Sorry that Kristen had sacrificed part of herself? Sorry that she herself felt incapable of showing love without being somehow clumsy or insensitive? Or sorry that she was incomplete herself? The girl turned away and buried her head in the clump of sheets that had bunched up on the side of the bed.

She began to sob. It wasn’t too much to take in for the long run; times like these might repeat, but would have no hold on either of them as their love grew. But for that moment in time, it was indeed too much; an inconsolable feeling of guilt and shame that she wasn’t a woman, but she was never a man, either. Feelings that she believed disqualified her for the love she was destined to share with the woman who had saved her brother’s life.

Why do I love
Why do I hate and die
Where do these things all lie
I don't know why I cry
When I need you I secretly sing you this part of my soul

---

---

Starbucks, Mt. Hope, Avenue, a few days later…

Yeliel, my angel
Know that I can see you
And when I fall I feel your arms around my destiny
Protecting me
I do believe
Some things are mysteries
The simple fact that we stand alive
that we breathe

Olivia tried very hard to avoid any public place on campus for fear of meeting Matt and his girlfriend. But life has a lovely and funny way of changing plans. A last minute change in venue brought her to the Starbucks just off campus for an impromptu support group meeting. She sipped her cocoa as she looked around for the other girls, and her eyes fell upon a trio sitting near the back.

Matt sat next to the girl and another girl, her back to Olivia’s gaze, seemed to be speaking with a great deal of animation. She went to turn away, but the girlfriend spotted her. Before she could feign missing the wave, the woman had stood up and was walking briskly toward her.

“Hi…I’m so surprised to see you.” Olivia looked at her and while the stare wouldn’t ‘kill’ anyone, neither would it impart any feelings of well-being.

“I’m sorry about the other day. You left before I could talk with you.” Olivia shook her head only slightly; was it her fault she discovered that the man she loved was engaged to be married? Was it her fault she ran away to hid her tears? In a smile that could only be taken in a good way, the woman’s expression seemed to assist her lift Olivia out of the chair and along the aisle back to where the other two sat. In a move that was both awkward and surprising, the woman helped her to her seat next to Matt. And then as if to make a second and more important point, she kissed Matt softly on the top of the head before turning her attention to the girl who sat across from Olivia.

“I think you three have some talking to do. I’ve got to get my dry-cleaning before they close. I’ll meet you at home. ‘Home,’ a word that warmed the hearts of each of them. She leaned closer and kissed the girl full on the lips, which startled her and surprised the hell out of Olivia. It was only then that she realized the ring she had seen many days before was a twin to the ring on the other girl’s hand. Her face began to grow hot; enough to give her cocoa competition as her cheeks grew red. A moment later the woman was gone.

“I’m sorry. I feel so bad.” The younger girl made a habit of feeling bad over which things she had little or no control.

“No.” Matt spoke up. His word wasn’t dismissive or final, but sounded exactly as it was meant to sound; an admission that the bad feelings were entirely his fault, even if they were justifiable. He turned to Olivia and put his hand on her arm; a tender, almost brotherly gesture.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to keep anything from you, but I didn’t know how to tell you.” He turned and faced the girl across the table.

“My sister Erin here told me to be open and honest, and she’s done her level best to avoid saying ‘I told you so.’” He smiled.

“You….you may not remember me, but we know each other.” Erin smiled at Olivia. The face might have been a bit familiar, but the name and the voice didn’t sound familiar at all. But the girl’s smile, coupled with an almost soft giggle, seemed entirely familiar. It came to her that she’d not only seen the girl with Matt but also in Resources office. Her eyes widened slowly; almost a reluctant recognition for who knows what reason. Erin smiled more broadly and giggled a bit louder and Olivia cocked her head in question.

“I teased you two a loooooong time ago, Olivia. I just didn’t look like…. This.” She cast her eyes downward to indicate her body.

“Oh shit…” The words came out and Olivia felt even more embarrassed, but her feelings of awkwardness were balanced by the recollection of a dear friend from the not so distant past.

“Aaron?” Erin nodded. Oddly enough; in trying to verify her suspicions, it would be the final time that Erin would hear that name time in her lifetime. Somehow where the true love of her brother and the dedication and love of her partner failed, the odd acceptance from someone just like her in a way helped to finally dispel most of the feelings of being unreal. The girl before her was real enough, and that would help it be enough for her.

“Well, I’ve got to go and you two need to talk. We can catch up on old times later, though there have been a lot of changes that sort of make those old times a very distant memory, you know. Anyway. I’ll see you, okay?” She stood and walked around the corner of the table and kissed Olivia on the cheek; an abrupt and totally unexpected but entirely welcomed gesture. She just waved to Matt before walking out of the store.

“Kristen saved my life. We both did rehab in the same hospital in Germany and then back in the states. And Erin… Well, I guess she knows better than anyone what you’ve gone through.” She frowned and put her head down but he continued.

“She was so taken by Kristen’s loyalty to me…the friendship we had found? It was almost…” Matt paused, not wanting to call attention to what he knew in his heart about Olivia’s devotion to him that spanned years without contact. Olivia spoke softly; barely above a whisper.

“I… Mom said it the other day…. The old ‘carrying a torch’ thing. What….” She grunted a very heavy sigh, remembering how she felt the exact same way for Matt.

“You have to understand… Back when we met. It was…” She looked down at her shoes, trying not to look at all at his face.

“When you kissed me the first time…before you knew? It was like heaven and hell all mushed together. I felt so… it was something so nice. But I felt like I was a liar… a fake. I was going to tell you…really. But Aaron…. You were so angry. I think you felt betrayed?” Matt’s expression didn’t quite answer her question, but neither did it argue with it.

“And then for you to come back at the end….to understand? It was like you changed me. Before we even talked, I thought about this….” She used her hand to indicate her body.

“I thought about just giving up. Like who was I to argue with God, you know? But then you changed it all by kissing me the second time. It was like being told that I was okay….I wasn’t something to hate…” Olivia bit her lip and shuddered at the sight of the tears running down Matt’s face.

“You… it was like you were an angel.” He whispered.

“I needed to change and you needed to change and he sent us to each other.”

“But it’s more than that. You can’t know how much…. How often…” She choked back a sob.

“I loved you. It was more than just you accepting me. It went beyond being put up with or just accepted. The look in your eye…” She choked back another sob as she saw he was looking at her in exactly the same way. He sighed.

“I know this sounds…” He paused. The idea of what he was about to say might be very shameful in a way, but if he knew her, she’d understand.

“I know you can’t… well, I’ll never be able to…” He put his head down and began to weep. She pulled him close. It wasn’t about function at all, but about the difference between feeling whole and feeling incomplete; something she was all too familiar with. She kissed him on the cheek.

“You…” Speaking words of hollow consolation was foolish, but she felt like she needed to say something.

“I….I love you, Matt. I’ve loved you from the moment I first met you, and I love you now more than ever. Will you please love me?” It wasn’t an invitation on her behalf so much as his. Could he let go enough to allow her in and love him? Could he…could both of them, for that matter, move past how they saw themselves and embrace what each saw in the other? After all, aren’t we all flawed and found wanting in some ways? Matt turned his head and faced her; a forced if necessary smile crossed his face.

“Yes?” The question was more for him than for her; another self-examination that he was able to pass with only a bit of effort as he repeated it once more, but this time as a statement of fact.

“Yes.”

So what started as a first kiss ended up being a very long series of kisses that, as far as I know, are continuing with increasing passion, understanding and love. And of course, hope. May it be so for all of us...

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Some selections translated above into English featured in the links below in French (Ah français ... Romance? n'est-ce pas vrai?)

Adagio
Words and Music by
Mychael Danna
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKtNuLG5jAo

Si tu m'aime
To Love Again
Words and Music by
Lara Fabian and Rich Allison
as performed by Lara Fabian
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CdutW_wQMM

Dire
Words and Music by
Rich Allison and
Lara Fabian
Performed by
Lara Fabian
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JCgXJgJV4A

Tout
Words and Music by
Rich Allison and
Lara Fabian
as performed by Lara Fabian
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Unk5Tg37aO8

Yeliel (My Angel)
Words and Music by
the performer
Lara Fabian
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JgAXlB94ck