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Here Comes the Sun
a series of Vignettes celebrating transgender romance
through the songs of George Harrison*

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by Andrea Lena DiMaggio

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Montville, New Jersey, 2017

Emma leaned against the chain link fence. The sun was barely emerging from behind grey clouds and she had drawn up her coat to ward off the rare cold weather of the June afternoon. Few people were left in the stands; the outcome of the game over in the fourth inning when the other school scored seven runs to add to an already wide lead. Only a few outs left; and then just two more games in a season that was essentially finished in late April.

“Get a hit,” someone shouted as the tall boy approached the plate. He turned back to the stands and noticed her by the dugout fence. Waving once, he pivoted and focused on the pitcher. The girl sent up a silent prayer that was met with ‘Strike one,’ as the ball cut the heart of the plate. Without a word, the boy shrugged and dug in his heels. The next pitch came in only a bit lower than the first, but still over the plate. The boy golfed the ball into the left field seats, reducing the deficit to 12 to 2.

As the boy headed back to the dugout he waved once again. The girl blushed; leaving her face an even darker pink than from the cold. She walked over to the bleachers and sat down.

“Your boyfriend?” The woman behind her asked. The girl shook her head no, but the denial was only in the reality and not the dream. If only she could tell him how much she cared. But before she could tell him how much she cared, she had to tell him who she was.

At the Montville High School cafeteria the next day…

Nate sat alone at a table near the far wall of the cafeteria, barely bothering with his lunch. Emma walked over and sat down across the table; a nervous look spreading across her face. She gazed down at herself in self-inspection. As much as she tried, she failed miserably in trusting any of her instincts; even to the point of feeling inauthentic despite her mother’s encouragement to the contrary. She might not look like she stepped off of a Kohl’s ad or Marshall’s commercial but the assistance she received from her doctor helped her look as attractive as most girls her age.

“Hi,” she said weakly. He looked up from the food tray and smiled at her but his greeting echoed hers.

“Uh…hiii.”

“You really hit that homer, Nate….” She wanted to jump far past the small talk, but her nerves left her feeling insecure and scared. Innocuous was much safer than what was really on her heart.

“It’s my fault we lost,” he said, lowering his face.

“If I hadn’t missed the fly ball in the fourth….”

“Tailing away and opposite field, Nate.”

“Still…. Two strikeouts,” he continued.

“The team only had three hits and you had one of them. Everybody….” She wouldn’t think to blame anyone else on the team, but it hurt her to see him beat himself up. He was much better than he believed, and the only one who truly believed in Nate sat across the table from him, hoping that he might mirror her acceptance.

“And you’re the best outfielder, no matter what happened yesterday. I ….” She wanted to go on, but even being his advocate felt wrong. That she had no right to validate him when she couldn’t validate herself.

“It’s okay, Emma. I’m just…you know….” Even talented young men with skills in sports and other endeavors can struggle with self-esteem. Baseball had become yet one more attempt for Nate to prove himself to a demanding father. The girls in school may have thought he was something, but even with the help of a good therapist, he still felt he was nothing.

“I’m working on it, Em….But thanks for reminding me.” He smiled again and the girl turned away; feigning a cough. She could hardly look at him without thinking of her own lack. Hard enough to be close to someone who was popular, but almost impossible to hope for when she had a secret she could keep and lose him before things ever started or share the secret and lose him anyway. She blushed.

“Seriously, Em. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Dad grabbed me after the game and did what he always does. I try, but I know I can never make him happy, you know?”

Of course she knew. Struggles with acceptance from her own father had settled themselves as he finally came to believe her, but not before the rejection had done its damage. She nodded weakly in agreement. She wanted so much to tell him what a wonderful boy he was, but how could she even approach him without revealing her past? And every day pushed her further away from her own truth into a story that had become a tale which became a lie.

“I’ve… I’ve got to get to class,” Emma said as she stood up. Another game beckoned that afternoon, leaving the boy likely trying too hard to please and maybe succeeding just enough to help his team… but not enough to please his father. She looked at him almost sideways as he lowered his head, wanting so much to hold him and wanting so much not to be held. Two people needing love and feeling unlovable.

The Pedroia home; the following evening…

Nate sat at his desk; laptop opened to a Shakespearean Plays website.

“You’ve got to get a better jump on things, Nate,” Jack Pedroia said as he glared at the paper in his hands. Statistics so finely distilled as to make a sportswriter blush in embarrassment. He pointed to the paper.

“You’ve still got a chance to be named All-County. What’s wrong with you?” Nate half-shrugged; a gesture that provoked an even angrier glare from his father.

“You’ve got it all in front of you, and you’re wasting it. You still hanging out with the Ramius girl? What the hell is that all about? “

“She’s just a friend, Dad. Nothing more.”

“Well, see to it that’s all it is, Nate. Too much to lose, “his father snapped harshly before walking out. Nate stared at the laptop screen, wishing he could do a web search on how to share a secret. He bit his lip in frustration. A very brave boy facing a world of doubt in the midst of dreams that his father would never understand and hopes he never could bring himself to believe.

The next afternoon at the Ramius home…

“Mom?” Emma’s voice was almost timid. Lindsey looked up from her magazine and smiled.

“What, honey?” The endearment provided warmth in an otherwise cool day.

“I can’t….” She put her head down. Lindsey grabbed her wrist and gently urged her to the couch beside her.

“You have every right, Em…. Every right.” Lindsey rubbed the girl’s arm softly.

“I….I know… But….” She paused. Looking down, she did another self-check. Lindsey grabbed her face with both hands and gently but firmly pulled her face up and around.

“You do not have to do that. No matter what hasn’t been done yet or what needs to be… You’re my daughter. Daddy…” Lindsey sighed and blinked back tears. Even healed wounds often bear scars. She loved her husband and he loved her and Emma, but his actions early on left the girl still fighting against old ghosts that he had dragged into the house with his stubborn pride. That he changed was a supreme blessing, but that he had to change in the first place left the girl still filled with self-doubt that she was only just now beginning to overcome.

“We love our girl, honey. Your sister loves you. Your brother loves you. You have to…. You have to love yourself.” Her voice was urgent but not forceful; the bearer of important, freeing news. Emma nodded slowly even as the tears fell freely from her face.

“I… Mommy…. What do I tell him? How can I even….”

“Sweetie? I…. When I met your Dad, I was already primed to be disappointed. The boy across the street had already made it very clear he didn’t like me and my best friend’s brother told me how stupid I looked. But I still was able to see …. I was still able to see me better than them… I wasn’t the prettiest girl on the block, but I was pretty.”

“But…. That’s just it, Mom…. You’re pretty…. I’m just a….”

“No… don’t, Emma.” It wasn’t a rebuke but a timely reminder urged by a very good woman who worked with all of them to mend the rips in the family fabric. A gentle word to help Emma recall that she wasn’t a boy at all, and that it was not just okay, but imperative that she understand who she was in the scheme of things in her own life and in the lives of others.

“Alec Ramius is inside of you, honey, but you’re Emma Ramius. And you have every right to be Emma Ramius. You may one day find that you need to tell someone about Alec, but Emma is the one everyone else needs to know, okay? No fears, honey, no matter what. You’re my baby, honey, but you’re not a helpless kid. You’re my daughter and you always will be my daughter….Our daughter….” Lindsey let go of Emma’s face and wiped her own tears away with her sweater sleeve.

“I… I know. I’m just so scared.” To be exposed was a great fear; perhaps as strong as most of the dread and doubts she shared with the women in her on-line support group. But it was the fear of being rejected that we all share that drove her actions…. The timidity to approach a boy who had accepted her the very first day they met after they moved into town. The boy who had doubts of his own that seemed to parallel hers. It wasn’t a fear driven by Alec Ramius wanting to remain hidden but the fear that Emma Ramius couldn’t hide that drove her doubts.

“Just one step at a time. Tell him that you want to get to know him… more. It’s going to hurt like hell if he says no, Em, but it may hurt even more…. It will hurt even more if you never tell him.” She squeezed the girl’s hands and then pulled her close; kissing her on the forehead in blessing.’’

“We’re here for you, Em. All of us.” They both turned at once and looked at the picture on the mantle. The last picture of the entire family before Nick had deployed for the final time. Too much loss after a tearful farewell when Nick finally called his youngest child by her real name; making the words even more bittersweet since it was the last word she would hear from him in this lifetime.

The next afternoon at the field…

Nate stood at the plate, shaking nervously. Jack had the afternoon off, and had been leaning hard on Nate the whole game. He looked over in the stands and spotted his father waving, but his expression was anything but warm. At that point nothing would make Jack happy with his son. Nate sighed.

“You want to take a time out? We can get one of the girls from the stands to throw underhanded,” the catcher laughed. Nate turned back again. His father was nowhere to be seen in the dwindling crowd. But as he went to turn back to the game, he saw Emma sitting on the edge of the first row of bleachers. She waved and flashed a big smile. Nate waved back.

“Hey kid…we don’t have all day?” The umpire said with a tap on Nate’s shoulder. He turned once again and dug in. The next pitch came over outside but still waist high. He lofted the ball to right field and it banged off the fence and rolled around and past the diving right fielder. The boy recovered in time to throw the ball to the cutoff man. He spun and threw a dart to the third baseman, who tagged Nate out , but not before the go ahead run scored. Nate stood up and ran off the field. His teammates stood and cheered. His father stood by the steps leading into the dugout.

“What the hell were you thinking? You stop at second and a hit gets you in, right? Damn it!” Jack said it loud enough for everyone to hear. The boy turned and faced his father and shook his head.

“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“It better not!” Jack snapped at Nate, who walked slowly down the steps to the silence of his teammates. The coach stood and went to shake his hand, but the boy had his head down and just walked to the end of the bench and sat down.

The other team went down without a fight in the top of the seventh. A glorious end to a dismal season as the team finished with an anemic nine wins to go with twenty losses. The team shuffled off the field and out of the dugout to about twenty or so students' and a few parents’ applause. Nate looked around and saw his father had left already. He sighed and put his head down.

“Nate?” Emma called from off to his left. Her smile was broad; belying her nervousness. She waved and he walked over.

“Hi… Glad you could make it,” he said. He patted her back reflexively and she pulled back.

“Hey… Do you want grab some pizza at Joe’s?” She asked, but immediately put her head down.

“Shh…sure,’ he stammered. She looked up and tilted her head in surprise.

“Rrr…really?”

“Yes.” A bit more confidence followed by his right hand grabbing her left. She wanted to pull away, but something seemed to urge her up the hill; hand in hand. After a few minutes for a quick shower, Nate emerged from the gym entrance to the school and they drove over to the pizzeria….

“I…I need to tell you something.” She struggled with the words as he pushed a slice of pizza around the plate on the table.

“I.. I need to tell you something…” he echoed. She nodded before putting her head down, expecting the worst.

“I …I want to thank you for being my friend, Em. You’ve been here for me and I can’t begin to tell you how much that means to me. But….” He paused and she gasped; hurt before rest of his words had left his mouth. But he leaned forward and touched her hand.

“I want to tell you that ….” He paused; leaving her once again fearing what she would hear. He smiled nervously and she saw that he had tears in his eyes.

“Em? Can we be …. Can I be….” Her eyes widened in happy surprise, but a look of horror crossed her face as she realized that the day had come for truth, and truth hurt. She began to cry softly.

“I’m sorry, did I say something wrong? Oh…okay…it’s alright.” He put his head down. Fate seemed to have planned the whole day for them. The place was nearly empty and the guy behind the counter had turned his attention to the game on the TV in the corner. It was likely the worst place in the world to reveal a secret. He began again.

“I…I like you… a lot.” She pulled her hand back at his touch as he continued.

“I thought you were beginning to feel the same about me.” She shook her head as tears spilled off her face.

“You don’t understand, Nate….” She stood up and walked quickly to the front door and out to the parking lot. Dusk had settled, and she stood under the awning of the nail salon a few doors down, weeping. She leaned against brick fasçade; holding herself in a self-hug.

“Em?” Nate touched her shoulder. She would have pulled away once again but he had already gathered her into his arms.

“I said I had something I had to tell you, but that’s not what I wanted to say. I should have said that a while back, but that’s not what I wanted to tell you. I know, Em…”

“You know? I thought …. I didn’t want it to show, Nate. I guess I didn’t hide it. But…I can’t…I want to, Nate. You can’t understand. I want to so much, but I just can’t. Just leave it at that.”

“No, Em…. I figured out months ago, but I couldn’t … I didn’t have the courage to tell you how I felt. But that’s not what I wanted to tell you.”

“I don’t understand. You …. Me…. You knew?”

“Sure. I like the way you smile at me when you think I’m not looking.”

“Nate? I just can’t.” She burst into near hysterics but he held her fast and stroked her hair. Soothing, calming…. She settled into the uneasiness of his attention; her crying subsiding only a bit.

“Em…I know. About you. Everything I can’t really explain but I know…”

“But…. But you just said….”

“Yes…. I did and I do….Okay?” He pulled her closer. She struggled you pull away but he held fast before leaning closer.

“Em? Emma? I…Iuh….love you.” He said softly before kissing her. She settled into his embrace and let him kiss her.

“It’s okay Em… You don’t have to.” She pulled back and looked into his eyes. And for the first time in her life she realized she didn’t feel like she had to do anything and she kissed back. ..

In the morning life was pretty much the same for both of them. Nate woke up to his mother singing to herself as she made breakfast. His father Jack made an awkward if sincere attempt at an apology followed by only a small attempt at justification. And Emma woke up to her mother also singing as she sat by Emma’s bed. A reverse lullaby of sorts to greet the day. Emma still didn’t feel very pretty. But together? Life would be alright….

Little darling
I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling
It seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun
It's alright
It's all right

Here Comes the Sun
Words and music by
George Harrison
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NadClRkUtzk