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Here Comes the Sun
a series of Vignettes celebrating transgender romance
through the songs of George Harrison

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by Andrea Lena DiMaggio

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Mickey stared at the screen; basking in the glow of pixels almost as illuminated by the dresses on the women as the light emanating from the laptop. Maybe now that her secret was out in the open, she could at least wear what she liked at ‘home,’ though it remained painfully clear that no matter how far she had come in the motion picture of life, it was still being directed by the expectations of others.

Elderwood Court, Virginia Beach, Virginia….

Mickey was weighed down by two secrets; one not so secretive anymore and one totally unknown to anyone but her and her creator.

First, the graduate program she attended was part of a school that crept at a glacier’s pace into the twenty-first century and being transgender might not be a problem with the Psych department, but would definitely not sit well with the University, since they didn’t quite get how a Christian school could actually display the love of Christ by accepting her.

And second? She had only summoned enough courage to reveal one secret to her roommates.

Two of them were in the school of Divinity; Joshua Benson; a pastor’s kid from South Carolina and Ben Hazlett; Mickey’s best friend from when they both did undergrad at Richmond.

The other maverick in the house was Tommy Casselotti; a film student from Delaware who had barely fit in as a recently returned-from-a-back-slidden period during his time at NYU. A breath of fresh air; non-judgmental, if a bit rough around the edges.

“Mickey? Do you want anything from Panera’s? We’re going to run over for some bagels or maybe a couple of breakfast sandwiches.” A familiar voice called from the hallway.

“Yeah….how about just a toasted ‘everything’ with cream cheese ….and Swiss?” Her answer was almost ridiculously high pitched if entirely authentic, but probably for someone other than herself, since even after sharing her secret with her friends, she still felt entirely inauthentic.

“Sure… there’s some coffee made from early this morning…but it’s pretty old. I’m getting some…. You want?”

“Dark no sugar?”

“Yeah. We’ll be back in about a half hour,” Tommy shouted from the doorway. Mickey looked over her shoulder at her closed bedroom door. She sighed and turned back to the lap top. Time enough later for surfing, she thought as she signed off.

Listen, do you want to know a secret?
Do you promise not to tell, whoa, oh
Closer, let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you, ooo

Everyone in the house knew about Mickey; no secrets as far as who she was, even if it was a complete surprise at first. It seemed everyone was going out of their way to be accepting; but Mickey’s housemates seemed to have backed off contact in an effort to avoid saying the wrong thing. And Mickey didn’t really know what to do with that. Especially with Ben; her one-time best friend who now treated Mickey like she was radioactive. She stared down at her body. Barely any changes; and those were dragging on slowly after too many years of delay. She sighed.

“Big deal,” she said to herself, laughing at her image with a sarcasm which was best directed away from rather than toward her. Her choice, which really wasn’t a choice at all, left her confused and angry at herself. What good was it to go forward in the obvious part of her change if she was silent about the second? And what good was it to live her life finally as herself unless that life included Ben. She had to tell him.

Listen, do you want to know a secret?
Do you promise not to tell, whoa, oh
Closer, let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I’m in love with you

Too many days had gone by without any significant conversation between her and Ben. And it had been hard enough revealing her transition. How would he react if he knew what else she had been harboring in her heart? Harboring? Odd, since her heart didn’t feel at all like a safe haven for her own feelings, much less for his. She caught her reflection in the darkened screen of the laptop. Closing her eyes, she mouthed silently,

“Please let him understand?”

Mickey bit her lip and opened her eyes; facing the same reflection that had prompted her prayer. Her hair was still fairly short, but almost pixie-ish, which suited her small frame. She shook her head. A face better suited to adorn a seventeen year old high school junior working the counter at Dunkin Donuts than for a college ‘woman’ pursuing a Master’s degree in social work. If she had trouble facing her own image, how much harder must it be for Ben?

I've known a secret for a week or two
Nobody knows, just we two

A short while later…

Mickey had settled on the large leather couch in the living room of the townhouse, awaiting the arrival of bagels, coffee, and awkward silence. While she was technically still a ‘boy,’ she was the first female addition to their ostensibly co-ed home. Two years already with most of the original tenants still in residence, save for Jerry Petrone; a recent graduate of the school of Divinity and on his way to a pastorate in Northern New York. She shook her head. She was still attending classes in drab; outing herself was a huge risk while she remained in the program, and the semester was hardly half over, which left her unable to transfer to Norfolk State for a while, should her secret become known to the school. A few moments later, she heard the sound of car doors closing and some laughter. And words.

“Jeez, Ben? I know he’s your friend, but just hanging around him could get you in trouble. I’m not prepared to see my place in school go south, and I’m thinking of moving over to the campus apartments just to be on the safe side.”

Joshua almost seemed to spit out his comment; leaving him sounding ironically hypocritical and leaving Mickey wondering how much deeper the resentment went without a word to her. The door opened and the three house-mates walked in. Tommy looked frustrated. Joshua looked anxious, but even worse, Ben just looked put out. Mickey stood up quickly to intercept them, all the while thinking,

“Listen, guys? I know this has to be hard on you. I’m probably in line for the old heave ho if the guys in admin find out about me, regardless of the ‘open door policy.’ I guess they’d rather have a non-believing Masters student in the psych program instead of a devout transsexual.”

She shook her head and blinked back tears. How many years had she withheld her own recognition of Mickey just to satisfy her parents and her church and God only knows whom else? And now, she was tempted to crawl back into her male shell just to make it work until graduation, which was nearly a year away unless she did transfer, but that still left her waiting out the end of the semester, which was almost two months away. She wouldn’t be forced to leave, but the department would probably be leaned upon to persuade her to withdraw before semester’s end by grading her work downward.

“Don’t leave on my account.” Joshua frowned.

“I’ve got nothing personal against you, but I’ve come too far just to see….” His voice trailed off and he looked away.

“No, Josh…I get it.” Mickey went to touch his arm in sympathy but pulled back. Tommy put his hand on Joshua’s shoulder and patted his back briefly before speaking.

“You do what you gotta do, Bro, but think about this? What kind of church will you want to run that shows the nice side just to the folks that agree with you? Some love of Christ, huh?” He shook his head and Joshua’s face darkened.

“Whom we associate with and whom we trust and befriend are off limits, as far as I’m concerned.” He turned to Mickey and smiled.

“I know this isn’t easy for you. I don’t know what the hell it’s all about, but I’ve known you long enough to trust your heart, br….sis.” He shifted gears roughly, but she smiled back. It wasn’t easy to absorb all this from the inside looking out, so she expected there would be glitches. She turned to Ben with a gaze that asked, ‘so what about you?’ His response was to look away quickly and to walk past Mickey down the hall to his room. She followed his progress right up to the moment where he literally slammed the door behind him; leaving her feeling embarrassed and even ashamed.

“Don’t mind him, either, Mick. He’s….” Tommy offered, but quickly backed off; shrugging as he spoke,

“ I guess you should ask him when you see him.”

“What?”

“Let it go for now, Mickey. He has to talk to you; it’s not for me to say. Besides? He can’t stay in his room forever, and sooner or later you guys have to talk. If you want, Josh and I can make ourselves scarce tonight? I’ve got a couple of tickets to the Admirals tonight, and we can commiserate about their lousy season while we talk about how Josh really wants to stay here and do the right thing,” Tommy laughed, staring at their roommate. Joshua shrugged his shoulders and sported a sheepish half-smile. Mickey nodded; an extension of forgiveness in a way since she wouldn’t blame the guy if he ran screaming from the house in fear over the risk of losing his salvation.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly and walked past her; his hand brushing her shoulder in apology. Tommy smiled and walked into the kitchen.

“There’s extra bagels if you get hungry later, okay?” He sat down and flipped the tab on his travel mug and took a swig of lukewarm coffee. She stood at the archway into the kitchen.

“Thanks.” She breathed out a sigh, wondering what the rest of the day would bring. And if she would still have a best friend after she shared her secret.

Listen, do you want to know a secret?
Do you promise not to tell, whoa, oh
Closer, let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you, ooo, ooo

That evening…

Mickey sat on the couch; Bible in her lap and her earphones only half on in anticipation of the sound of Ben walking down the hall. A few minutes later she heard the creak of the door followed by his footsteps. He walked into the kitchen and pulled a Coors out of the fridge.

“You want to talk?” Mickey said with a stammer. Ben shook his head slightly; the reluctance seeming to move steadily backward until he shook his head again; more emphatically.

“Nothing to talk about. You’re choosing to do this, and I can’t really stop you, now can I?” His words were cold and almost emotionless except for the last few. She shook her head and lowered her gaze. Whatever friendship was left had assumed the form of ‘love the sinner and hate the sin,’ and he was hardly prepared for what she wanted to say. He filled in the blanks for her in spite of his reticence to talk.

“I don’t like this one bit. I thought we were friends,” he spat, missing the irony of the moment. As if he was the injured party in an accident that never happened. The sudden realization of entitlement outweighed any resemblance of civility.

“You threw it away, BRO.” Up to that point, Mickey had done as much as she could to keep quiet; the need to be as complacent as possible to persuade him over something with which he really had no say. Her silence was broken by a single gasp, followed by the sound of her running down the hallway. No door slam; she didn’t even bother to close it behind her as she fell upon her bed, sobbing. She buried her face in the pillow, even as her own thoughts condemned her weeping as what Ben had already referred to as passive-aggressive. A few moments later the obligatory door slam came from the front hallway as Ben retreated from his friendship with her.

An hour later….

“Ben? Mickey?” Tommy called out from down the hall. He turned and looked into the darkened living room, expecting to see one or both of them.

“His car’s gone, Tom….I think he’s probably….” Joshua said weakly, feeling the guilt of enabling the ignorance of the day to fill the house. Tommy turned and nodded.

“Yeah….”

“I’m going to run out to Food Lion. Maybe you…”

“I’ll go check on her,” Tommy nodded as he walked down the hall while Joshua headed back out . Mickey's door was mostly closed, with no light coming from the room. He knocked on the door jamb.

“You wanna talk?”

“No….please….”

“It’s just that ….I’m sorry,” he said firmly.

“What for? It’s not your fault I’m a freak.” She sat up on her bed and the light from the hallway illuminated her face; red and puffy. Tommy stepped closer to the door; pushing it open further.

“I’m sorry you’re hurt. And you’re not a freak.”

‘Tell that to everybody else, Tom…. Just go away, okay?” Her words weren’t so much demanding as they were in petition. He pushed the door even more; and the light from the hallway backlit his head, revealing a halo of sorts.

“I’ll leave you alone if you give me a couple of moments, alright?” She went to speak and he waved.

“I’m sorry. I’ll leave you alone. Period! You don’t need me telling you what to do and certainly don’t need any more expectations put on you. We can talk or not when you’re ready, Mick…. I’m so sorry,” he said. He turned and went to leave but she called out.

“Tommy? Why am I so wrong? What did I do to make God punish me this way?” She cried just a bit wanting to maintain what little dignity she had left.

“I’m not a Bible scholar like my friends here,“ he said, using his arm to indicate Joshua’s and Ben’s rooms.

“But I know a bit…. I guess why I’m here?” He might have meant at the school, but really the director in their play was calling for another take on the script for the one Communication student in the house.

“Something about being born so that God could show his glory? I’m not quite sure where that is, but I know it had to do with the man who was born blind….no sin….no fault? Maybe you’re the way you are because God wanted it that way? Wanted you to be …. Oh, damn, Mick. I don’t know, but I know that you’d know better than anyone else what’s best for you. Not Josh… not even your best fucking friend.” He winced at the last words; not wanting to be profane was part of it, but more so because he didn’t want to get in the way of whatever was left between Mickey and Ben.

She gasped, but collected herself enough to nod before bursting into tears. Tommy pushed the door open the rest of the way, leaving Mickey bathed in light. He walked slowly to her bed and sat down beside her; pulling her into a semi-awkward hug. She went to pull away; the conditioning of years of feeling unworthy to lead a life she hoped for herself. He pulled her closer despite the physical protests.

“I’m sorry, but you can’t do this to yourself. You can’t let the bastards win.” An old expression meant in general, but even more so in specific as he continued.

“No one should ever be abandoned. You’ve know Ben since before undergrad, and here you are sitting on your bed crying and he’s off God only knows where having a fucking pity party.” He winced at the expletive and turned away. He wasn’t terribly hung up on propriety for propriety’s sake, but he also knew that Mickey was as reserved and shy a person as he’d ever met in his new foray into an old, long-dormant faith.

“I’m sorry for the words. I don’t want to be angry, but I am, and I guess I’m just not used to holding my tongue like everyone else. But I’m not sorry that I’m upset for you,” his voice trailed off, but he turned again to face her.

“The jerk might come around eventually, but he doesn’t deserve your friendship. You’re too …” he stammered.

“He’s doing the best he can.” She protested as her sobs subsided. Tommy shook his head.

“No, Mick. He’s doing what he chooses to do. A friend doesn’t make conditions. You don’t deserve to have that hanging over you on top of all the other stuff you’re facing. It’s just not right,” Tommy sighed, and his voice seemed to hoarsen a bit as the emotion of her moment seemed to invade his speech.

“He’s trying.”

“No…. Not really. If he really cared, he’d be sitting here instead of me,” he breathed out a frustrated breath.

“You don’t want to be here, do you,” Mickey asked. Tommy shook his head, but it wasn’t in answer to her question but instead in answer to his own.

“I….I don’t….mind….Mick….I’m just sorry you’re hurt and that you wouldn’t be if he’d paid attention….if he cared about you the way….” She looked at him almost sideways. His face was toward the hallway and she noticed the tears streaming down his face.

“I…I don’t understand….” She said softly even as her own tears began to abate. She sighed, feeling fearful that what she thought she did understand was both true and untrue at the same time.

“Just….forget it, Mick…. I’m sorry.” He apologized once again; the only one of her three roommates that actually owed her no apology. She put her hand on his arm and he went to pull away, but she held tight; her turn to steer the conversation, so to speak. He faced her and half-smiled.

“Really…. I’m sorry.” He protested again. The swing in the roles had completed, and it was his turn to feel unworthy.

“What…what are you saying?” Her words were halting; the continuing fears of being right or being wrong both playing tug-of-war with her heart once again. He took a deep breath and spoke.

“I’m saying I …I want to be that friend for you, Mick….” He paused and gasped.

“I…. I have a secret….” By then it was hardly a secret, and really should never have been one to begin with. His regard for everyone had been well defined and distributed to everyone he knew, but in that moment she realized just how much he really cared.

“You…..you….” She stammered. He took another breath, diving deeper into the pool of risky confession as he smiled.

“Yes….like….since I moved in.”

“B…before….” She looked down at herself, recalling the newness of her revelation to her roommates.

“Yes….even before….I think….oh fuck….” His face grew red with shame; not from his feelings but his inability to be what the moment called for in expressing them.

“You knew even before I said…. before I told? You knew?”

“That you should have….that you …..? When you told us, I wasn’t surprised….mostly.” He shook his head but continued.

“What surprised me was how I felt….not that there was anything wrong with it, but that I felt bad…. Like even in….. That I was intruding somehow between you and Ben just by….” He choked up.

“By liking me?” She really meant it in the platonic sense, since she was still convinced that anything beyond that was reserved for others.

“You…. liking you? No, Mick. Not liking you.” He sighed and she frowned. Tears began to spill even as those feelings of being unworthy began to insert themselves between her and Tommy. He shook his head and spoke; gently and firmly as he touched her cheek.

“No…. Mick? Not just liking you…..luh…..”

“You…you love me?” Her words were halting as well. He nodded and smiled weakly.

“You…you love me?” She repeated. He nodded more deliberately and surprised them both as he drew closer. He meant to kiss her cheek; bestowing at least the tentative beginnings of a new friendship, but the director in the piece had something else in mind, it seemed. As he leaned closer, the bed sagged just a bit, and his aim was off enough to change his direction; leaving him to kiss her full on the lips. The first time Mickey had ever been kissed. She pulled back slightly, and while it would have been altogether romantic and pleasant and hopeful for the moment had she reciprocated, she just burst into tears instead.

‘I’m…I’m so sorry,” Tommy apologized, but she smiled weakly through her tears as she shook her head no. He needn’t have been sorry, but just for that one moment, a good cry over unexpected love was just what the director had designed, and she settled into his arms for the best cry she would ever have. He kissed her forehead and cheek; a blessing neither of them felt at the moment they deserved, but the beginning of what some might say was a beautiful and very, very long friendship with no more secrets.

Listen, do you want to know a secret?
Do you promise not to tell, whoa, oh
Closer, let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you, ooo, ooo

Next: Just to Dance with You

Do You Want to Know Secret?
Words and Music by
George Harrison
as performed by
Nikki Jeane-Verve
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0tK03K1OPQ