Previously

The sad thing is all she’s ever wanted to do was to make you happy. She did everything you asked and even more, to her sorrow. Her name is Hope, Pat, if that matters to you. I sincerely hope it will come to mean something, since she still loves you despite all the hurt you gave her. Funny thing about love; it always hopes. I’m going to my cousins for a few days and maybe we can talk after that. Don’t call; I need time to think and figure out how to fix my part in this, and yes, Pat, time to pray. With hope, Liz

As Pat read the last few words he shook his head and sat down. It would have been nice to note that he cried from remorse, but he didn’t. Thankfully, however, he was no longer angry, but instead felt hurt and sad. Entirely understandable if equally selfish on his part with no accepting of responsibility either. Still, it was better than blaming everyone else. And as they say, two out of three ain’t bad. It would be the addition of the final third of the equation that would mean the difference for Pat McKenna and his family, but it was destined to become addition by subtraction….

The McKenna home…hours later….

Pat sat at his desk; trying to make sense of the letter he held in his left hand. Ironic, since Liz was left handed and they always joked; rather he always joked about how sinister and left-handed both were evil. The joke had gotten old a long time ago, and all that was left was the fact that the only evil that ever dwelt in the McKenna house was in the twins that Pat had nurtured in his own heart; ignorance and arrogance.

He looked at the clock; eight-seventeen. He almost expected Liz would walk through the front door; their recalcitrant son in tow. But one more glance at her letter put that idea to rest. He smoothed the paper out, as if by straightening the letter he would straighten everything. But the letter wasn’t about things. Liz wrote the letter in hopes….even that was ironic…in hopes of appealing to Pat about the two most important people in Pat’s life. He stood up and sighed before walking out of the house. A few moments later he was in his car driving down the street.

Despite the caution Liz had made, Pat was determined to talk to her face to face; if he had the chance he ‘d talk some sense into her, he had thought. But it wasn’t about the head, but about the heart. Not just the emotions, but the very core of who they all were. It wasn’t the first time Pat would get it wrong, but it would be the most important mistake he would ever make.

Lina’s front porch at the same time….

“You….I’m so f…I’m so confused. It’s not like we don’t…but this is different. How can you…why do you?” Hope stared at Danny. The young man shook his head, but smiled broadly.

“How the fuck… How should I know?” He quickly corrected himself. As much as he remembered all the times he and Tim would joke and laugh, the words seemed to be shoved aside like old sports equipment as new interests and new thoughts and new feelings took their place. Acting like a boy around another boy didn’t make any sense even in retrospect. Tim’s words, while profane, now seemed guarded in hind-sight. It was odd to think that a pastor’s son used ‘bad’ words to prove to his father just how much of a boy he was. But there was one time…. Danny stared back at Hope and remembered.

“Did you see Tiffany at Youth Group last night? Holy shit,” Danny said with a knowing laugh; a verbal nudge to his best friend. Tim looked at him and nodded, but the expression seemed almost reluctant.

“Sure...we can do that. “ Video games always seemed to bridge the gap between nervous and relieved, but Danny could never quite figure out why either of them were nervous or why they felt relieved. He helped Tim to his feet and the boy stood close. The same look that the two had exchanged in secret shame years before seemed to flicker like a candle before going out as the boy looked away once again before walking into the house.

Danny stared once again at Hope; the physical changes were subtle in some places and a bit more apparent in others. She had begun to use makeup, and the unfamiliarity showed. He smiled at her and she tilted her head.

“What?”

“I never realized how….oh…fuck…” The awkwardness shouldn’t have been there, but then Hope’s therapist would probably have reminded Danny that ‘should’ and ‘must’ don’t always fit into how we see ourselves and others. Danny felt guilty over feeling awkward, since he expected that his friendship and his commitment to Hope would have changed everything by now. He was accepting and understanding wasn’t he?

“I understand,” Hope replied and turned away, feeling entirely awkward and embarrassed and ashamed herself.

“NO….” Danny hadn’t meant to raise his voice. And Hope had always presented as strong and resilient and even aloof when she was Tim, but that façade was slowly being worn away merely by the onslaught of new emotions and beliefs and self-awareness. She winced at his tone. He reached over and touched her arm and she recoiled. Where Tim might have pushed through embarrassment out of self-preservation, Hope had almost no strength to resist kindness and care.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean it that way. What I meant is that I don’t even understand how I feel, so how could you. I know you’re trying, but this is all fucking new.” He turned away. How could someone who had cared all along for the boy be so nervous and even almost ashamed of his feelings for the girl. She made it easy for him; even if it was unintentional.

“I’m sorry, too, Danny. I don’t know how to feel or think about this. You know…. “ She looked down at herself and frowned.

“I’m not very pretty….I know that.” She might not have been ‘very pretty,’ but to Danny she was starting to look more and more attractive. Something about a slight upcurl at the left corner of her lips which had gone almost unnoticed began to appeal to him. The tiny scar over her left eye had always been a mark of strength; the strong, defiant boy he had always known, in a way. But now, in the sunlight just sitting there, the scar became a mark of vulnerability. And the protector saw someone who needed rescuing. He reached over and touched her cheek.

“Stop, Danny…this Is wrong.” She protested. Tears that usually hid well behind a lock of long, boyishly unruly hair now seemed almost magical; as if by crying in that one certain way they began to help redefine Hope in front of Danny’s eyes. He persisted, stroking her cheek once again.

“Please stop….I’m not….you can’t….” Years of being beat down emotionally had taken much more of a toll than the physical abuse ever could, and she pulled away; feeling unworthy, ashamed, and ill-suited for the role she had always sought. Now that her life-long dream was becoming a reality, she felt entirely out of place in her own world. Danny didn’t care. He grabbed her hand; softly and tentatively.

“I don’t know why I feel so bad, Hope. We’ve been together for a long time; this shouldn’t be so hard.” He paused. She sighed; the words seemed to reinforce her shame until he continued.

“But it is hard. Because I’m not good enough for you. There…I said it. You deserve someone who will accept every part of you, and I don’t know how to do that. This is all too new for me, you know?” She nodded in agreement, but he wasn’t finished.

“But here’s the thing. I don’t fucking care. I spent too much of my life already trying to fit what my father wanted…just like you. Yeah, things got better just before he died, but too many years of him expecting me and Carlo and Susan to be just so makes it impossible for me to just look like things are fine when they’re not.” Her eyes widened in fear but he held up his hand in caution.

“Things are never fine for anyone…not for you or me or anyone else I know. We all go through shit…. My mother died….your parents hate you…yeah….” She choked back a sob but Danny wasn’t finished.

“But like I said…I don’t fucking care….I don’t!” He grabbed her hand once again and stroked the top of her wrist with his other hand. Profanity would have seemed ….profane. But the words, hard and near-angry, even coming from two pastor’s kids, were entirely fitting. He didn’t care.

“Stop…please, Danny.” The boy in the girl seemed to protest at the kind attention; Hope was entirely lost in her own dream, like a miscast actress without anyone to cue her lines. She shuddered.

“It’s not about who we should be…not how anyone else thinks or maybe even how we think we should be. It’s about who we are. Not what we were when we were kids, or maybe even last year or yesterday. It’s about who we are now. We gotta get off this stupid ride we’re on…we’ll go nowhere, and I don’t think that’s what you want. I know it isn’t what I want. Okay?”

“I don’t know….” Hope sighed. Too much to take in. Too much to let go; maybe both bad and good? He tapped her wrist with his thumb; almost playfully.

“It’s not about you being someone else. You’re the same Tim I always knew, but with the name you should have had long ago. You don’t have to be anything for me… because you already are.” He looked into her eyes. Some of the fear seemed to have departed, but she still was anxious. She looked down at her body. New shapes were welcome but disappointing in a way. She touched her own cheek.

“I don’t know ….I should have never….” As her voice trailed off she felt her hand being pulled. Danny did something he never had done before and likely would find hard to duplicate at any other time. He kissed the palm of her hand. She winced. Old feelings arose and shameful feelings tried to take hold. As a boy, Tim had been cautious and even felt guilty over the moments stolen in forbidden care. But now, as a girl, or rather, as the girl Tim had always been, the shame was over feeling brand-new and foolish and as bent and twisted as her father had made her feel. She went to pull her hand away, but Danny pulled her even closer and kissed her. She tried to resist, but it wasn’t really going to be successful, since that part of her dream she had never spoken was coming to pass as well. She recalled for herself one time….

Oh….hey…” The boy looked up to see his best friend and ally; while Danny didn’t participate in Tim’s forays into bullying and bravado, neither did he look away, but instead almost approved by his choice not to intervene. Tim hastily closed his spiral notebook. The cover was red and had various doodles of basketball hoops and even a couple of well-drawn players; one of which bore a striking resemblance to the middle-school boy who stood over him.

Tim stared at the page and he felt his cheeks grow even hotter. Shameful tears came to his eyes and obscured his view. He peered closely and saw that the ink had run from the teardrops that had fallen the page. He pulled the paper away and cast the notebook aside. Staring at the damning words, he sighed before ripping the page into little pieces. No one would ever know, and that was as it should be….

She looked up and saw that Danny was smiling; an awkward toothy grin that came out on occasion when Danny was feeling secure and relaxed. She shook her head, but the smile pulled her close and for the first time in her brief appearance in life, she kissed someone. Danny had kissed her, but this time it was all Hope as she welcomed the boy she had always loved into her life. And that love would sustain her as she would be challenged with choices and demands and expectations unlike anything she had ever experienced or likely would ever face again.

Somewhere on Eastbound Rt22 between Cranford and Mountainside

Pat was driving with a goal. A purpose. This was a challenge he was determined to meet head-on.

“Where the hell is that road? Pembroke? Damn.” He never liked visiting his wife’s family and seldom if at all cared where they lived, but he was determined to talk to Liz. Talking with Liz didn’t seem to be an option, however.

His self-indulgence had gotten the better of him once again; it almost always did. And while Pat wasn’t a crying sort of guy, he did get weepy when that self-indulgence took hold. He blinked back angry tears even as the rain outside began to pummel the car. In the midst of his self-pity he failed to notice the signs indicating a change in traffic pattern and lane shift. He was about to utter a seldom-heard curse when his car slammed into the back of a parked Mountainside DPW truck and everything went black.

Next: Where There Is Love