Previously

“I knew I needed a name and I remembered something my Mom told me when I was little. She and Dad had tried to have kids for so long. They lost three before me….” The smile began to wane only a bit at the sad memory until she spoke again.

“That’s what we’ll all do. That’s exactly what we’ll do, honey. We’ll all love him back and hope.”

The McKenna home…that evening…

“I….I called Hope today.” Liz put her mug in the sink and turned to face Pat. He looked up from his Bible and tilted his head in confusion for only a moment until a look of growing disdainful recognition crossed his face.

“You…you’re just indulging him,” he said with a head shake, not bothering to lift his head to face his wife. She sat down without a word. After a few minutes she spoke again; timidly as she turned away.

“I’m going to Lina’s house to see our child.” She practically winced in expectation of his reaction. He lifted his head and half-smiled; an arrogance that seemed to come to the surface more and more.

“No you’re not, Elizabeth,” he said calmly as if he was correcting a child.

“You’ll call our son up and explain that as long as he persists in defying God he will have no one in the family to turn to. He’s going to have to fare without your enabling.” He lowered his head and returned his attention to the Bible on the kitchen table. Liz took a breath went to speak but Pat held up his hand in caution.

“You will tell him that he is welcome home as soon as he abandons this foolishness. I’ve taken steps to make sure things will not go as smoothly as he and his friends would like.

“What did you do?” Liz leaned closer. Pat didn’t bother to raise his head.

“I’ve made arrangements to see he doesn’t have support. Jerry Albanese, God bless his soul, did such a horrible job of raising his children.”

“Pat….what did you do?”

“Daniel no longer works at the hospital and Lina Di Pasquale is skating on thin ice.”

“Pat? What? How…. What did you do? You had no right…. They never did anything to you… Pat?” Liz shook her head as Pat lifted his head and half-smiled again.

“I have every right when it comes to my son.” He hadn’t meant to say it in that way, but nevertheless there it was.

“You had him fired? How could you do that?” Liz had no doubt about the how in regard to the manner of his actions. He knew exactly what she meant.

“I’m not going to allow a family of perverts to ruin my son’s life.” He didn’t stress the word ‘my’ this time, but it was unmistakable nonetheless that his child had become one more thing to maintain. His church, his board of directors, his son. Liz bit her lip as tears began to well in her eyes.

“You had no right….”

“I have every right, Liz.”

He said it calmly; this time the rebuke had drifted away from the patronizing and flowed directly into dismissive; her name sounding more like a rebuke. Whatever tenderness and love that had existed between the two died in that brief moment. Whatever future they had together would only be restored in resurrection. if at all, as the control Pat wielded began the slow, inexorable process of burying the love he once held for his wife and his child. Liz stood up and balled her fists; a posture that had become increasingly ineffective if more frequent. Tears flowed all too freely in grief and hopeless disappointment.

“Someone had to do something,” he said calmly, as if by ‘doing’ he had somehow fixed everything all by himself. Liz turned away, getting his meaning and agreeing in much of what he said. Guilt hit her hard as she realized someone indeed needed to do something, but not at all in the manner in which the doing played out. She put her hand to her face in shame.

“Oh…dear God…what have I done?” She turned and ran out of the kitchen and down the hall to the bedroom. Closing the door behind her she walked over and leaned against her dresser; lightheaded. She looked up and viewed her image in the large mirror.

“What did you do?” She said to herself. Not so much what she did as what she failed to do. The man she had married had become a bully to everyone, and somehow she had a part in that tragic transformation. If Jerry Albanese had been a bad parent, and there was every doubt in her heart that he had; then what kind of mother and wife had she been? Truth be told, as much as she had enabled Pat to become more and more controlling in their relationship, everyone who surrounded him had equally participated in enabling him to be inflexible and unyielding.

But the worst part of it was that she indeed had been a bad mother in a way in that she had known for a very long time that her son…her child…was different. Sincere efforts to please some nebulous expectation about being true to the faith she held had been twisted almost beyond recognition. Her need to please her husband’s expectations allowed her child’s needs to be ignored and even condemned. She had known for all too long that she was raising a sweet and innocent daughter to be an inflexible and angry young man just like her father. And only the grace of God and the efforts of her daughter’s friends undid the damage she had allowed to hurt her only child.

“No more…” She said weakly. She wanted to run back down the hall and scream at Pat. But the first person she needed to confront looked back at her in the mirror. There was no strength at that moment to change, but it would come, and not too soon. She walked over to the bed and lay down. It’s been said that we fail when we look into a mirror and then after turning away forget what we have seen. Liz would never forget what she had seen in herself.

At that moment, the vestiges of selfishness pulled her into a crying jag that over mere minutes changed into shame and then guilt and then self-awareness and forgiveness and then resolve as Elizabeth McKenna decided to change. And that decision would prove to be transformative for everyone and everything she held dear.

Nomhagen Park, the next afternoon…

Susan and Hope sat on a bench overlooking the pond. A few ducks had wandered over and Hope was throwing pieces of bread across the sidewalk toward the edge of the water. The ducks congregated around the bread; quacking loudly as they jockeyed for position.

“It’s okay, Hope…really.” Susan put her hand on Hope’s shoulder and the girl winced.

“No, it’s not. I need to say this, okay?” Susan nodded almost reluctantly.

“It doesn’t matter what I was going through. I treated you so horribly.”

“You weren’t that person, Hope….we all understand that.”

“But I was that person. I was so….it didn’t’ matter. I couldn’t accept how my Dad was treating me, but instead of just taking it or not, I passed it along. It was so selfish of me.”

“But I forgave you.” Susan protested. Hope shook her head.

“You forgave me…but….”

“But you haven’t forgiven yourself….” It was a statement more than a question. Hope nodded nonetheless.

“Look at me. I’m …. I’m not going to win any contests for anything. I’ll never be pretty, but I’m…I’m stuck. I should just give up.” Her words seemed to shove aside her new-found faith in herself.

“You feel like…..” Susan paused for a moment, wondering what to say next. She didn’t want their time to be about her, but Hope needed to see she wasn’t alone in her past as well as her present.

“When my Dad pushed me away, it felt like I had to try to please him, but I was so pulled apart when what he wanted wasn’t what I truly…. What I desperately needed. You just talked to your mother and you’re not even sure yet if she will accept you…. Because….” Susan paused. Hope frowned sadly in resignation.

“She takes her lead from your Dad, and that still leaves you wondering if you’ll ever be loved….right?” Susan put her hand on Hope’s cheek, feeling the girl’s tears.

“Y….yes….” Hope gasped.

“And you’re angry with yourself because you feel like you should be able to get past this….that you have to be stronger for yourself?” Susan played with a ringlet by Hope’s ear; a motherly gesture almost. Hope nodded weakly.

“But if you stick up for yourself, you lose everything, right?”

“I’ll never be happy, Sue… I don’t deserve to be happy.” She put her head down and began to sob. Susan pulled her close and Hope cried into Susan’s shoulder.

“We don’t deserve a lot of things in our lives, honey, but being at least able to try to be happy…you deserve that…. Shhhh shhhhh….” Susan found herself humming an old song….it came to her that she was being more than a friend, but instead giving Hope that part of herself that everyone needs; a family.

“Shhhh…shhhh….we’ll get through this, Hope… I promise….” Susan took a deep breath and looked skyward in petition; a calm assurance came over her that no matter what transpired it would indeed be okay.

Danny and Carlo’s home….a few days later …

“When do you start?” Carlo asked as he sat down. He pushed a plate of eggs and sausage in front of Danny and turned his attention to his own breakfast. Danny took a few bites and washed it down with some coffee before speaking.

“First of next month with orientation, but I’m not sure yet. I might try to get a job with a local imaging place instead. HSS is a great job, but the commute is gonna be a bear…..” His voice trailed off.

“Nah…..you just want to be around….” Carlo laughed. He looked out the kitchen door windows as if he could see across town. Danny’s gaze followed his brothers and he laughed in return.

“You got me… I confess. I’m not giving up on my old job and I certainly want to hang around town. I’m afraid, you know?” Danny was almost fearless regarding his own life, but he had become very anxious over the treatment he and Lina had received; mostly for her sake.

“Lina says she’s not worried…you know how her faith works.”

“Yeah….I believe with her in theory, but dealing with Pat McKenna tests my own belief system. I’d like to think that I’m able to forgive, but he sorta lurks around our lives like he’s ….”

“Like he’s God….” Carlo shook his head and continued.

“He has so much friggin’ influence. I think years of having his own way… I don’t get it, but I’m not gonna worry about it. All I can do is support you and her and Susan and everybody else in this stupid melodrama.”

“Yeah…everybody else…” Danny said absentmindedly as he sipped his coffee.

“You mind if I ask you a personal question?” Odd coming from Danny’s best friend as well as his brother, but Carlo wasn’t about to assume anything. Danny at least deserved that much consideration.

“Yeah?”

“This thing with Tim….sorry…with Hope? How do you put that …. You know…. She’s been around this family for a long time. And it wasn’t very pretty at times. You know….”

“Like when Tim rejected Susan?”

“Well, yeah….that…” Danny tilted his head slightly at Carlo’s answer; a ‘yeah, but’ seemed to be whispering in the comment.

“You mean what do I think of her …..since I knew him?” Carlo nodded and Danny continued.

“It’s more than just strange, but Susan reminded me how much hiding Tim had to do to keep outta harm’s way. She says that it went beyond just words.” Carlo’s eyes widened.

“Pat hit him…her…you know what I mean.”

“Yeah…. Tim never said a word….just toed the line and acted like the good preacher’s son he was supposed to be…fuck….”

“What? I’m not following you….”

“I thought Sue had it hard…she did…especially when Dad didn’t even bother to keep in contact with her. But with Tim…Hope…you know…. I remember Grandma telling us about how the teacher would hit her left hand hard with a steel ruler… to keep her from writing with it. Hope was getting beaten just…oh fuck.”

“You’re really throwing yourself into this…. You really do care.” Danny was always a caring person, but this was way different than anything Carlo had ever seen in his brother.

“I….you know that me and Tim were really close…. He was between me and Susan age wise…. Like another brother, but….”

“You mean when you and he….” Carlo started to blush. It was hard to talk about things like that to begin with. He and Danny had started to move away from stoic into free expression; even as emotional as both of them could be, talking about it wasn’t something that was second-nature. Having a sister who went through hell herself seemed to have been the catalyst for their own change. But Danny’s words went beyond mere expression. Carlo smiled nervously in a moment of awkward silence.

“I never told anyone….not you, not even Susan. I….I loved Tim. For all the bravado and shit, he was….. she….”

“I don’t quite get it, but I think…. You’ve always had that connection?”

“Yeah…. And now that she’s Hope…it’s like it’s all coming together. Making sense.”

“Were you afraid you…. You know? “ Carlo put his head down; almost ashamed to ask his brother something so difficult.

“Well…. It wasn’t like that. I never questioned the why…just the confusion of the ‘how,’ you know?” Danny waited for Carlo to raise his head.

“It really hasn’t changed? Am I following you?”

“Yeah…sort of. I was praying last night and I realized if Tim had never come out as Hope, it wouldn’t have changed a thing. You know…the person underneath.”

“But she did come out, bro. She’s not the same….at least not completely.”

“Yeah, Carlo, but then neither am I. We’re all different. The boy who couldn’t tell anyone about the major crush he had on his best friend…..I’ve grown up…. A little, you know? “ Carlo nodded.

“She’s just as important….more important to me now than ever….” Danny’s voice trailed off and Carlo finished Danny’s thought.

“Because it’s all about her and …. Not about you…leastways not just about you. You care for her….really care…. The big C…. not just as a friend….” Carlo started to blush again, as much for Danny as for himself, but he continued.

“Go ahead and say it, Danny….you remember what the word confession means?” Having a minister for a father brought other things in the boy’s lives along with the football and skateboards and such. Danny nodded.

“Yeah…to say the same thing…. Like if I speak it, it becomes real….Damn….” Danny’s eyes began to fill with tears; confusion and doubt slamming headlong into faith and care and consideration and deep-down character. If he spoke the words, there would be no turning back, but there seemed to be an urgency in making a confession; even if it was only to his brother.

“Go ahead, Dan…. “ Carlo smiled; a brotherly gesture of support as well as a real desire to see Danny realize the one dream of his life, even if he had never voiced it.

“Okay?” Carlo asked as if he was seeking approval over answering a question on a test. It was in a way, since Danny’s confession would change things for everyone. Danny smiled and wiped his face. He laughed softly and spoke.

“Okay… you talked me into it…..the confession…. Not …”

“I know….you don’t need any persuasion…you just need to say what you ……Danny? Do you really?”

“Yeah, Carlo… I do. I love Hope McKenna.”

Next: Love Endures