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Waiting for the Rain to Fall

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Previously

To say that she was disappointed would be an understatement, and for more than several reasons. She found herself once again longing for that scorpion-like arrangement she had with Tony; the sting of betrayal was bearable if only he would hold her once again, and that was a bit disheartening. And of course she felt disappointed in her reaction; hadn’t she put those needs behind her? Wasn’t she on her way to recovery? A small bump in an otherwise fairly navigable path, to be sure, but who doesn’t want to get better?

And the last thing she wanted to do at that point was the one thing she knew how to do better than anyone she knew; an artisan of sorts in a very well organized guild that specialized in self-pity. She walked back to the couch and hit the remote on her CD player before falling back in a wave of defeated tears, feeling completely lost.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?

A few weeks later at the Cameron home...

“Oh, honey. It’s okay.” Nams patted Kara on the back as she sat down at the kitchen table. She placed a mug of Lemon Zinger in front of Kara and smiled.

“We don’t need to fix anything, Em Gai…. No need to fix you, okay?”

“I’m right back where I started, Nams. I feel so defeated.”

“I understand. You don’t want to go backward with all the progress you’ve made? But what about it makes you feel defeated?”

“I thought I had this all behind me…like I had moved on.”

“Kara, honey? Do you think your brother and I have everything fixed about us?” Nams looked around; the kitchen, while in pretty good shape, still was a bit in disarray.

“You’re so together.”

“I don’t think your brother would agree with you on that.” She laughed at what almost seemed a self-deprecating statement until she added,

“We’ve been together for some time, but I don’t think we’ve quite yet arrived.”

“But….” Kara paused and looked out the kitchen door window, as if she could see all the way to her own place; a mental walk up her own steps to stand next to her friend’s doorway, so to speak.

“You’re upset because you didn’t want to fall…”

“I’m not in love, Nams!” Kara almost snapped her reply. She shook her head slightly, but it would be awfully hard to convince Nams if she couldn’t convince herself. Nams nodded in agreement; not at the statement but the knowing behind the words.

“He’s not like anyone you’ve ever known… I get that. You know I looked on line and as hard as I tried I couldn’t find that rule book that says you can never fall in love again. ” She paused and laughed softly.

“Your nephew is pretty savvy when it comes to that. Jimmy says you can pretty much write what you want. Maybe we can come up with a new website? Kara-wiki? That almost sounds Polynesian.”

“You know what I mean. I just got strong enough to say no to Tony. I feel like I’m retreating….losing ground.”

“You know that’s a good way to look at it; like you’re in a battle? Do you think Jim and I don’t take our own steps sideways or backwards? “ Kara’s eyes darted to the mantel over the fireplace in the living room. Nams hadn’t wanted to make Kara feel guilty, but at the same time, she had to know that being self-aware and self-centered were two different things. Kara placed her hand over her mouth to stifle a sob.

“My baby was such a blessing. She would smile and laugh even though she never saw a thing. I think it was that she loved when I sang to her, you know?” Nams nodded slightly and smiled at Kara; it was okay to feel bad and feel scared and defeated, but feel special in a lonely way was not only wrong but didn’t help her at all.

“I’m so sorry. I’ve been so selfish.” Kara shook her head and began to cry softly.

“NO, Em Gai…not SO selfish, but a little selfish. “ It was as critical as Nams would ever get, but it wasn’t bad but a good thing to remind Kara to center herself.

“When Kim was born we rejoiced. And when she died we rejoiced at the gift we had been blessed with even if it was just a little while. But we still cried and got sad and confused and even a bit angry at why God would allow that to happen.” Kara stared at her and squinted a bit; trying to fit what Nams said into her prism, wanting to see what she needed to see.

“You were hurt and scared and lonely and confused for so long with Tony. And now that you’ve moved on you want everything to be the way it’s supposed to be, right?” Kara put her head down slightly and nodded; almost a shameful pose. Nams reached over and lifted Kara’s chin slightly.

“There isn’t a ‘supposed to be’ that you can just call up or arrive at, baby. It’s a process. Jim and I had to walk through our grief even as we still wanted to be grateful….not for what happened to our baby, but in the midst of our grief we wanted to rejoice over her life. And we have, but it wasn’t something that just happened. And you?” Kara went to lower her face once again, but Nams held her chin firmly.

“No….don’t be ashamed for being human. After what Tony put you through?” It was true that Kara had allowed Tony to have his way in a manner of speaking, but years of verbal abuse from her father over merely trying to be herself had left her ill-prepared to resist the treatment she received from Tony. It was almost like a sad relay where Tony had taken the baton from her father’s ghost to complete the race to ruin Kara’s self-esteem.

“But now you find yourself wanting to love again and you feel like you will make the same mistake?” Kara nodded as tears spilled into the mug of tea.

“It’s a good thing to want to try again. To want to be loved and to love. And to love and be loved well. Don’t ever feel bad about that, honey. Okay?” Kara nodded again; the reluctance seemed to be lifting with every word that Nams spoke.

“I…. I think he already has a girlfriend.” While she didn’t stress the word ‘girl,’ Kara already was falling into that comparison snare she seemed to be unable to resist. Nams picked up on it anyway.

“The key is ‘already’ if there’s any key at all. It’s not you if there’s already another girl.” Nams did stress the word another; that need for Kara to know how much she fit in, no matter how she felt.

“Maybe the best way to deal with this is to talk to this young man?”

“Oh I couldn’t….” Her face grew red. Nams stroked Kara’s cheek, wiping away a few straggling tears with a gentle touch.

“Don’t feel you HAVE to do anything. If you want to talk with him, all well and good. But nothing is so necessary unless you wish it to be so or find it needful, yes? I have an idea?” Kara looked up and tilted her head; almost dreading what Nams might plan.

“We’re having some friends over for dinner after church this Sunday… sort of a pre-Christmas thing. Nothing special but the food and company, you know?” Kara nodded. Dinner prepared by her sister-in-law always promised to be special in that regard.

“You can ask the young man to dinner; as a way of making him feel included? If he says he has a girlfriend, then you invite her along as well. Unless that would be too much?” Nams looked serious for a moment until she began to grin.

“I’m sorry for teasing. Just ask the boy if he’d like a nice meal. Thai and Vietnamese and Scots-Irish with some very nice people. If he can’t…he can’t. But you’ll never know unless you ask.” Kara sighed.

“What, Em Gai?”

“What if he says no? I don’t know if I could take that?”

“I suppose you have to ask yourself… which is harder? Knowing or not knowing.” Nams turned her head slightly while still keeping eye contact; almost a question in her gesture that went beyond the words. Kara looked away.

“You do know that in your life there’s no right or wrong when it comes to how you feel? That if it does hurt too much to know? You don’t have to do anything other than please come over on Sunday no matter what? Just to be with people who love you?” Kara nodded and tears began to fall once again. It wasn’t a poor substitute; Nams understood completely that being loved by a good man trumped dinner with family every single time. But she also understood that Kara needed support.

“If you stay home, at least give us a call?” It was as close to pushing as Nams would get. And Kara was now at a point where a pre-Christmas party with her brother and sister-in-law beat a pity party at home. She smiled and nodded as she wiped her tears with her sweater sleeve.

“Good. And who knows, honey? Anything can happen, yes?”

“Yes…” Kara sighed and smiled; hoping almost desperately that Nams was right.

Later that week....

Kara sat on the couch with her legs curled up beneath her; another opportunity to stumble if she had to rise quickly as she felt the tingle of ‘sleep’ in her legs. Patricia Cornwell’s latest sat open and face down on the armrest after several chapters of diversion gave way to daydreaming. She heard a car drive up and rose cautiously. Her legs held up under her and she walked quickly to her front window. The same girl she had seen a few weeks earlier was at Phillip’s door.

She noticed the girl fumbling with the keys, and a moment later the girl had dropped them into a snow pile on the side of the landing. The girl stepped off the landing and reached in, but was having little success. Kara shook her head at the thought that crossed her mind even as she stepped to her door. She opened it and stepped onto the landing.

“Hello? Need some help?” The girl didn’t look up but shook her head no.

“I’m Kara…Kara Cameron.” She paused, waiting for the girl to respond. She walked closer and placed both hands on the iron railing, leaning over.

“And you’re?” She hadn’t meant to be abrupt, but her voice seemed to rise at the end, almost indicating a demand. The girl didn’t look up once again, but spoke softly.

“I….I’m …. Valeriya….” Her voice, already soft and quiet, seemed to fade in an almost embarrassed fashion. The cold might have caused her cheeks to redden at that moment, but Kara knew shame when she heard it.

“Would you like to come in for some tea?” She held her hand close to her body and waved; almost like a little girl inviting a friend for playtime. The girl shook her head no even as she seemed almost triumphant in finally locating the missing keys. The girl walked up the steps and brushed quickly past Kara; once again fumbling with the keys. Kara looked at the girl…Valeriya... She was about the same height as Kara and from what she could see even in the shadows her face seemed pretty in that fashion of eastern European; perhaps Russia or Ukraine? But with no accent, she had to be second or third generation.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come in?” The girl barely looked up as she shook her head; maybe a bit more emphatic than the question called for. Kara placed her hand on the girl’s arm softly.

“That’s okay…maybe another time?”

“Maybe….” The girl said as she finally got the lock to open. She pulled the key out but dropped it once again; this time on the mat in front of the door. She reached down and retrieved it, but as she rose she nearly bumped heads with Kara, who had leaned over a bit. As she pulled back, her face was lit by the porch light and she blinked. The look was unfamiliar, but the face wasn’t. Kara touched the girl’s arm once again; causing her to pull back in an almost fright. Kara tilted her head slightly and stared at the girl until it dawned on her why the girl looked so familiar. She spoke; almost with a reluctance over what she might learn.

“Phillip?” The girl’s eyes widened and she bit her lip. Her eyes welled with tears and her face, already red from embarrassment, almost glowed hot. She pushed Kara’s hand away; not as a rude gesture, but rather a need to feel less shameful as she spoke.

“I….I’m so sorry….” With that the girl opened the door and stepped inside, closing it quickly but in an almost gentle manner. It was as if the door closed off any opportunity for Kara to speak, but even still, she knocked on the door and spoke .

“Phillip? Phillip? Please?” Her plea was gentle and almost a whisper. She could hear sobbing from the other side of the door. She stood on the landing and shook her head. Shame was no stranger to her, and certainly she could understand in so many ways what might be going on in the heart of the girl on the other side of the door; she had been on that other side all too often herself. She spoke once more.

“Phillip? Please? “ She knocked gently on the door and stepped back. A few seconds passed; what felt like a sadly discouraging eternity until the door opened. The girl stood and looked down at her feet but spoke.

“Va…..” She stammered even as the tears flowed. Kara smiled in welcome.

“Valeriya….” She finally completed as she put her hand to her face. Kara stepped closer and pulled the girl onto the landing and into a gentle hug. The girl offered no resistance and put her head on Kara’s shoulder; weeping. Kara stroked the girl’s hair and hugged her tight. She wanted to say something clever or casual; a long-held if relatively ineffective defense mechanism to help distance herself.

But nothing inside of her agreed with that any longer; she wanted to be close, if only for Phillip’s…for the girl’s sake. But also, for her own sake as well. What came to her oddly enough was something she had come to treasure as a gift from her best friend … her sister-in-law.

“Tá´i ở Ä‘á¢y” As much as she wanted to say so many other things, Valeriya needed to know at that moment that Kara was there for her, no matter what. She held the girl who continued to weep.

“Shhhh….shhhh….Tá´i ở Ä‘á¢y.” She smiled and kissed the girl’s cheek. Clever or not, something else came to her that would need no translation in the midst of a gentle hug.

“Tha mi ‘tuigsinn….” Something her Scots-Irish grandmother would say; that need for connection since only her brother Jim and her grandmother understood why she didn’t just want to be Kara but needed to be Kara. Just as much as maybe that very interesting and beguiling young man before her needed to be Valeriya? She understood.

“Tha mi ‘tuigsinn….shhhhh….shhhh.” And of course, especially after her talk with Nams, the last thing she needed was to get involved. But something deep inside her didn’t believe that at all and she spoke from her heart.

“Tha gaol agam ort….” Not selfish at all…well, maybe just a little, but giving and hoping and believing, she spoke exactly what needed to be said for them both.

“I love you!”

Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.

Finally: Under Your Spell

Good Enough
Words and music by
Amy Lee
As performed by
Evanescence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19V-GhZlDGU