Previously...

Life had taken on more meaning; deeper and with much more value than he could recall before he left home. And relationships, while predictably unpredictable, always would remain confusing; he was a guy, of course. He kissed her cheeks, tasting the salt of her tears. Something that he had never done in his life; a gesture that was healing for both him and her.

“I’m sorry, too, Erin.” Funny how some things turn out. He would never have imagined waking up in a hospital in Germany when his own life passed before his eyes. A life that included the death of his mother while he was deployed, and the utterly unpredictably marvelous change that Erin had undergone. He was finding that he was healing from the loss of his mother almost on a moment to moment basis. And he found that he was recovering quickly from the loss of his brother; a loss that was really just a change of decoration in a way as his brother Aaron had become his sister Erin in his absence….

Tout, tout, tout est fini entre nous
Jai plus la force du tout, tout
Dy croire et desprer
Tout, tout, prsent, je te dis tout
De ce vide entre nous, tout
De tes mains dsabuses

A few days later...

“You have to tell her; it’s only fair.” Erin looked out the window of the apartment down to the courtyard below; imagining a visit from the girl that had almost come between the recently reunited and changed siblings.

“There’s no such thing as ‘fair,’ Ar,” Matt said. As much as it still frustrated her, he found it difficult calling her Erin all the time, though he tried. Old habits died hard, and it really wasn’t all that bad from his sister’s perspective. She had learned from friends all through her own transition that family often doesn’t bother with new names; not because they forgot, but because they don’t care enough to even speak to girls like her.

“Yeah, I know…it is what it is. I get that. What I mean is that you owe her an explanation. For all of our sakes, right?” She didn’t bother to turn around to face him. Conversations without eye contact were so much easier, weren’t they?”

“I know. I just don’t know how to tell her.” He stepped up and put his hand on Erin’s shoulder. She didn’t pull away, but her focus remained out through the window and down an imaginary road leading to God knows what.

“She’ll be fine.” This was his usual outlook on life; a tendency he had picked up after being nearly killed thousands of miles and light years of experience away. But even if he had steeled himself to the pain of disappointment and hurt, and even if he was strong in the face of it all, he had no right to expect everyone could handle what he could. And he hardly handled it anyway, preferring instead to push it down and bury it with the dirt of numb ignorance.

“She won’t be fine. You saw the way she looked at you! It’s going to hurt her, and you need to say something. And before you forget, you’re the one making all the decisions around here. You left me out completely, and it hurts that you don’t care enough about how I feel and about how she feels. And yes…I know you’re hurt too, Matt, but the difference is, we’re getting help, and you’re just moving on. But if you want to use pop-Psych, remember that no matter where you go, there you are. You brought your pain and your hurt home with you.”

“I can handle it.” The more things change? Like when they were kids, Matt just plowed through life; preferring to push things aside instead of deal with them. What he didn’t realize or chose to ignore is that while he was pushing one problem to the wayside, another or several had attached themselves to him. And the more he ignored them, the deeper their barbs dug into his mind and heart and soul.

“I’m going to talk with her.” Erin shook her head and Matt pulled back suddenly. She turned around and was frightened to see the look on his face; a dangerous look, but to no one but himself.

“I won’t say a thing about you. Aslan…. No one’s story but their own?” She evoked a saying from an old and favorite character.

“If you say something, she’ll know…she will.”

“She might know the ‘what’ if that, but it’s up to you to tell her your story and the ‘whys’ of it all. The very thing you’re worried about protecting is almost the thing that will almost welcome what you have to say. She’s cared about you for a long time….right?” Erin flinched as he put his hand on her shoulder again. Her own frustration was coming out, and not a moment too soon. It was almost like walking in a minefield for her when she spoke about her own ‘stuff,’ as he called it; an ironic metaphor.

“I…I know, but I don’t want to hurt her.”

“It’s gotten beyond that, Matt. That ship set sail a long time ago. She’s too important….” Erin’s voice trailed off as she thought about the girl. A sigh escaped her lips and she turned once again to face her brother.

“I’m going to reach out to her after our support group tomorrow. She still doesn’t know who I am, and that has to change for her sake and yours.” She put her head down and sighed again.

“You going to tell her everything?” He practically pled.

“No…not yet. Just that I’m someone she knows already. She’s going to be very upset that you didn’t say anything, and I can’t help that, but I’ve got my own issues to deal with, right?” He looked at her in amazement. His brother truly had ‘gone’ from his life; leaving some sort of sage but softer doppelganger. Things change.

“I mean are you telling her everything about yourself?”

“N….no.” A tinge of frustration and preemptive regret?

“So who’s holding back now?” He laughed, and she frowned at him before tears came to her eyes. How could he possibly say that? How could he be so utterly focused on his own pain even if he chose to deflect it like so many missiles while being oblivious to hers? He stepped closer and ignored the arms that pushed away and gathered her into a hug.

“I’m sorry, Er….” He smiled. At least he got that right. Things do change.

“I know it’s been so hard for you. And you’re right. I don’t want to tell her. I can’t. But maybe what you have to say to her will help me? The bravest person Erin ever knew other than her mother was standing beside her; the boy who protected her when she was little and awkward and filled with secrets no one would hear but him. The little boy had become a young woman; rather the young woman who had been there all along finally got some recognition and validation.

“I don’t know if I can,” she sobbed. What is that old saying about the heart wanting what it wants? The last time they had seen Olivia before the past several weeks was years before in the parking lot of a cabin-filled campground. Erin leaned closer to her brother and put her head on his chest. He was always strong and even as a little boy, she had loved his smell; something about him made her feel safe as if she actually had someone who cared like a father, even if it had been an ill-equipped if well-meaning brother.

“I guess we both have something we need to say. Tell you what….” He laughed softly; a habit of his that served to steer conversations into safer places. He reached into his pocket and produced a silver dollar; a ‘gift’ from one of his buddies back in the field when he retrieved the ‘lucky’ piece from his dead friend’s hand. A souvenir to remind him of how little luck came into his life while faith never departed.

“You call it, okay?” She said as she looked at the coin.

“Okay…heads you tell her first? Tails, I tell her second?” He laughed again, causing her to smile just a bit through her tears.

“Okay……” She pursed her lips and blew out a long breath before inhaling deeply; preparation for a plunge into dark waters roiled by confusion and doubt.

Tout, tout ce qui nous unie
Tout ce qui nous detruit au corps
Est prsent fini
Tout, ces moments incompris
Ces instants indcis
Scrivent au pass aujourdhui
Cest fini..

Life has a way of intervening into our affairs, and things don’t always feel good afterwards, even if they turn out just fine. Matt felt safe in the knowledge that he would be on the sidelines in a way as Erin carried the ‘hopes’ of the team. But things took a decidedly uncomfortable and unexpected turn.

“Oh…hi.” Olivia said gingerly as she used her head to point to the table and her tray, as if she actually needed permission to sit next to an old friend; more than an old friend of course, at least from her perspective. He nodded and looked around, as if Erin might suddenly show up and ‘sub’ for him. No such luck.

“I was hoping that I’d see you.” She sighed before continuing. A dearth of communication between two people can arise from a variety of reasons. Both of them carried a heavy class load and of course she lived off campus with her mom while he lived in an apartment, from what she understood. Nevertheless it remained frustrating. She put her hand out to touch his wrist but drew it back; almost in anticipation of the same gesture from him. He leaned back in his chair; retreating.

“I’m…I’m sorry. I’ve been…” She was going to say ‘pushy,’ but that was so far away from how she had really been; frightened to ask and too much in pain to keep silent.

“I’m…I’m sorry.” He said it almost as if to override her apology. He looked away, hoping for the words to say. He needed to tell her how he felt; how things really were, but the words got stuck somewhere between his brain and his tongue with a detour through a very anxious heart. Words came, but not from him and not from Olivia, either.

“Oh…Matt….hi!” A voice came from just over Olivia’s shoulder. She turned to see a woman standing straight; almost at attention, which suited her since she was in uniform. She walked around the table. She smiled; a very warm but disconcerting expression before sitting down next to Matt.

“Oh…hi.” Matt said weakly, wishing he was back in uniform himself but far, far away. The woman leaned over and kissed his cheek; a nice, friendly, if entirely unexpected and nearly unwelcomed gesture. He smiled without a word.

“You’re so hard to track down. Erin said you’d probably be here between classes.” The woman paused and shook her head.

“She seemed a bit put-off; like I had said or done something I shouldn’t have.” Matt shrugged his shoulders and shook his head to mirror her gesture, but more to wonder how fate had conspired against him. No conspiracy, but more of a seemingly circuitous but actually a timely blessing.

“Well, anyway, I found you, and that’s what matters. I suppose things have been very hectic for you both since you got back.” Olivia’s eyes widened in what could have been taken for recognition but for her complete misreading of what the woman had said. Matt nodded silently.

“Oh,” the woman said; her own eyes widening as she turned to face Olivia. She reached out and shook Olivia’s hand.

“You must be Olivia, right?” A statement. Olivia nodded; also without words.

“I’m Kristen…Kris. Matt’s told me all about you.” All? As in everything? As in past history and an entirely awkward present?

“Has he asked you yet?” She turned to Matt, who looked a bit pale; for someone who had stood up to death and mayhem and loss, he seemed almost…weak. Understandable but still self-centeredness can knock you off your focus, and he was practically falling out of his metaphoric chair.

“Uh….nice to meet you?” A question to herself. Olivia had barely met the woman and was already in anxious awe and embarrassment over the woman’s stature. Not so much tall, though she was, but more in how she held herself. Olivia noticed that the woman seemed confident, but with a soft, inclusive edge. She wanted to hate her and welcome her at the same time as confusion hit her hard.

“You’re not saying much, Matt. Did you ask her?” It was more out of deference for Olivia than for Matt’s silence. He sighed and spoke.

“I…I haven’t told her yet.” Courage enough to speak even if it meant being very uncomfortable and perhaps even regretfully ashamed and sad. He turned to face Olivia and half-frowned; mostly at the awkwardness of the moment that was not to be eluded; no retreat, but no defense either.

“Kris….” He struggled with the words, but they didn’t come. He shook his head and his eyes teared up as Kris reached over with her left hand and grabbed his; a gesture more suited to friends… close friends…than comrades in arms. Olivia looked at the woman’s hand and noticed a small but attractive ring. She looked up and Kris was staring at her; a sympathy she could do without even if well intended from a nice person.

“You?...You’re?”

“Oh, dear god, honey….” Olivia would have thought the endearment was a correction for Matt, but it was intended for her; another kind if entirely unwelcome gift from the woman seated next to the love of her life.

“I’m so sorry. I thought you knew.” The words were filled with regret and embarrassment as well. She reached over to touch Olivia’s hand. Olivia stood up and shook her head. Tears always came easily with her to begin with, but they flowed with more energy and sadness as she realized that her life was changed forever; perhaps even more than when she had transitioned as she looked at Matt and Kris; the love of her life and his fiancé. She gave up trying to be strong and just turned away without a word and walked out of the cafeteria. Matt went to get up but Kris put her hand on his arm.

“I think she needs to be alone, hon.” He put his head down at her words before he felt the gentle touch of a strong hand.

“I know.” She stroked his cheek. He put his hand to his face and began to weep; moments like this usually brought things to the surface; unrelated but for their similarly emotional intensity. She pulled him closer into a half-hug.

“I know.”

Nous, on tait pas comme les autres
Nous, on dcidait dtre entre autres
Les plus forts, les plus fous
Nous on avait rien prouver
Nous, on avait rien gá¢cher
Sauf, sauf notre libert

Nous, on a rien vu passer
Rien vu se dchirer
Pas mme la force de ces annes
Nous , on a jou le tout pour le tout
On sest dis on sen fout
On a lunivers rien qu nous
On a tout..

Denuoement...

Sors, sors, de mon sang, de mon corps
Sors, toi qui me gardes encore
Au creux de tes regrets
Parles, parles, dis-le moi sans trembler
Que ten a plus rien cirer
Parles, pleures et je comprendrai

Tout, tout, tout est fini entre nous
Jai plus la force du tout dy croire et desprer
Tout, tout, tout est fini entre nous
Mais je garde lespoir fou quun jour on redira
Nous...

Through, through, darling our love is through
Through, I gave it all I could, true
Now Im losing my mind
Through, through, how do I get this through
Through, love is dead, you know Im true
Your arms would never lie
Through, I know you through and through
I can't live with or without you
This I can't deny
Through, every moment of doubt
Every rain, every night
We knew wed get through somehow
Not anymore now

Through, through, darling our love is through
Through, I gave it all I could now Im losing my mind
Through, through, darling our love is through
Still I pray that one day I can be in love with
You...

Tout
Words and Music by
Rich Allison and
Lara Fabian
as performed by Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ee-OM_pk0g