Previously...

He pecked her on the cheek before running down the hall in the opposite direction toward the parking lot and was gone in moments. Olivia stood in the hallway, which by now had emptied for the most part. She looked up and down the hall, retracing where the girl had disappeared and then at the exit to the parking lot on the other end. She shook her head and sighed. Searching and hoping and praying for a dream unfulfilled for so long;

Olivia couldn’t believe her fortune that she had been in just the right place to run into the all time (if only) love of her life. But her eyes looked back to where the girl had gone, and the implications hit her suddenly. She looked back once again to where Matt had disappeared and her eyes widened in sad recognition and she burst into tears.

Plus que tout
See'est comme ça que tu voulais l'aimer
Rien que nous
Tu lui disais pour la faire rá­ver
Aprá¨s tout
Lui mentir ne t'as pas servis
Tu es lá  tout seul le coeur désuni

Country Hills Estate Apartments, Henrietta, New York...

“Was that?” The girl’s voice faded off as she looked at Matt. He seemed lost in thought, and she touched his elbow, giving him a start.

“Yeah…amazing after all this time.” He smiled; the right side of his face contorted only a very small bit as his grin widened.

“You going to tell her about me?” The girl shrugged her shoulders, feeling almost unimportant at the need to bring up the subject first.

“What do you think?” He smiled at the girl, evoking a very small arch of her left eyebrow.

“I’d have thought that you would at least have introduced me, but I guess that wasn’t really on your mind.” She pouted, and his glare put her off even more until he smiled again.

“Let’s just say I was pre-occupied. Of course I’m going to introduce you. She needs to know you, just as much as you need to know her, right?”

“I…I guess. It just seems that whenever we’re out somewhere you almost seem embarrassed about me. I don’t understand, and it really hurts.” She bit her lip. It had been a long day, and she was feeling more vulnerable than usual, which left her feeling exposed and ashamed.

“I would have thought that you’d understand more than most.”

He teased; a familiarity that no one else could manage, but she knew he wasn’t being mean. No one on earth knew her better than him other than her own mother; the mother who dwelt now in a mansion on the other side of eternity. Without Matt, she would be lost entirely. Oh, she’d eventually find her way, but it would be very hard. Having lost her mother in the last year, it would be almost crushing to know that she’d lost Matt as well, but he was a survivor, and so was she. They suited each other just fine, even if it was an arrangement neither of them had ever dreamed possible.

“I talked to the volunteer at the office this morning after my meeting with my advisor. She said you can see the girl of your dreams most days in the afternoon; she volunteers there.” There was an undertone of regret, even her action had been entirely her own choice.

“Wait a second. I never said she was the girl of my dreams. You don’t have to feel threatened by her.” Matt shook his head; this time his glare was real, leaving the girl feeling entirely uncomfortable and embarrassed.

“I was only trying to help.” She shrugged her shoulders and turned away. Another misstep in her own journey had her tripping over his baggage. She put her hand to her face, feeling like a failure at doing the least but nicest thing she knew to do. He stepped closer and pulled her into an awkward hug.

“I know. And I appreciate it, but I’m not ready for that. I just can’t handle anything other than school right now.” He pulled her closer and kissed her forehead.

“I’m so sorry; this has to be the hardest time of your life, and I get angry at you. We’ll get through this. I promise.” He held her tight and she began to cry. Losing her mother was so painfully difficult in and of itself; losing Matt would have been almost paralyzing. He kissed her on the forehead again.

“I promise.”

The Commons, University of Rochester...

“This seat taken?” Matt didn’t wait for a answer since Olivia was sitting by herself in the near empty cafeteria.

“Oh, hi,” she said almost in a whisper; downplaying her excitement certainly felt the way to go. He smiled and popped the top of his Dr. Pepper.

“So…what have you been doing with yourself…you know? I mean did you do it?” He took a swig of his soda.

“What do you mean, did I do it? If you mean, did I have the surgery? Yes.” Her face grew crimson and hot. She folded her arms and looked away.

“I’m sorry. Of course that’s what I meant. GRS….gender recognition surgery…. Because you’ve been a girl for a while…. Maybe forever?” His tone was soft and sympathetic. She unfolded her arms and turned toward him, finding him smiling kindly.

“Yes…like forever. Exactly.” She shrugged and bit her lip, feeling entirely out of place and embarrassed. He reached over and put his hand on her wrist, which she pulled away quickly. She changed the subject quickly, abandoning her own recent past, but feeling very insecure about his. She gazed at the scar on his face; absentmindedly at first, but with a bit of anxiety as she realized she was staring.

“How? Security guy blew himself up…killed two from my platoon. I was actually lost in thought about someone back home, or I would have been right next to them when the bomb went off. As it was, I just managed to turn enough into it…” His voice trailed off and she shook her head.

“I am so sorry. Here I am getting all worked up over my own stuff. And you?” She turned away, her face growing red once again. He touched her wrist and she didn’t resist but turned back to him. Unconsciously, she raised her hand to caress his face, but stopped, pulling her hand back in embarrassment.

“It’s okay…go ahead. It’s alright, Olivia.” He smiled and she lowered her head, feeling overwhelmed at his pain and his mentioning her name. He pulled her hand close and placed it on his face.

“I’m glad you wanted to touch my face. There are days where I feel so ugly.” He cast his gaze sideways, as if he could actually see the scar that gave evidence of his hurt. She touched his cheek, wiping a single tear from under his sightless eye.

“I’m….I’m so honored that you thought of me.”

“I…yes…” He lied, and not very well.

“You were thinking of her…the girl who….greeted you the other day.” She couldn’t bring herself to say the word, ‘kissed.’

“Yes. I was thinking of her.” She sighed at his ‘confession,’ and turned away once again. And once again he went to touch her wrist. This time she folded her arms.

“I’ve got to run to class. It’s real good seeing you, Olivia.” He stood up and went to kiss her cheek. She didn’t turn away, but showed no emotion as he kissed her. He shook his head, feeling entirely let down and angry at himself at the same time. In a moment he was gone and she was left alone once again. This time her face was hot and red and wet as tears began to cascade down her cheeks. She put her head down on her arms on the table and wept softly.

Pour toujours
Douceur, tendresse elle t'avait juré
Par amour
Elle s'était donnée
Sans détour
Elle voulait t'aimer
ça t'faisait peur
Ces overdoses de bonheur

That evening...

“I saw her today at the cafeteria.” Matt said as he tossed his backpack onto the chair in the corner of the living room before walking into the kitchen.

“How did that go? The girl rose from the couch and walked into the kitchen and hugged him from behind.

“What’s that all about? You feeling threatened?” He laughed softly.

“No…never. I’m glad that you’ve found someone that knows what a jerk you used to be.” She giggled.

“This is getting really odd, you know?” He pulled a bottle of water from the fridge and practically inhaled it. She rubbed his arm.

“There…that’s what I mean. I’m just not used to this.” He seemed almost sullen, which didn’t help the girl at all. She pulled away and shrugged her shoulders before running down the hall to the bathroom. She didn’t slam the door, but the lock clicked; that alone would have been enough except for the sobbing on the other side of the door.

“Come on…you know I care!” He pled; his forehead was against the doorframe as he listened.

“I can’t help it. It took me so long to get over thinking you were dead, and then you show up unannounced and tell me you’re going to go to school right here? What do you expect me to do? “ She stammered.

“I’m not used to you? I hardly know you anymore, after what I went through!” He touched his cheek.

“What you went through? How about what I went through. The hardest time in my life and in the middle of what was supposed to be difficult all by itself and my mother dies?” She and he were right and wrong at the same time; understandably confused and scared and entirely selfish, but with little understanding and sympathy for each other. Something had to give. The door lock clicked once again and the girl stepped out of the bathroom and into Matt’s arms.

“I’m so sorry….you nearly died and I’m so selfish.” She sobbed and he pulled her close stroking her hair.

“It’s alright….honey.” The word nearly stuck in his throat; a painful but reasonable reaction to something he had never uttered before. Life had taken on more meaning; deeper and with much more value than he could recall before he left home. And relationships, while predictably unpredictable, always would remain confusing; he was a guy, of course. He kissed her cheeks, tasting the salt of her tears. Something that he had never done in his life; a gesture that was healing for both him and her.

“I’m sorry, too, Erin.” Funny how some things turn out. He would never have imagined waking up in a hospital in Germany when his own life passed before his eyes. A life that included the death of his mother while he was deployed, and the utterly unpredictably marvelous change that Erin had undergone. He was finding that he was healing from the loss of his mother almost on a moment to moment basis. And he found that he was recovering quickly from the loss of his brother; a loss that was really just a change of decoration in a way as his brother Aaron had become his sister Erin in his absence.

Dire
Que tu réalises á  ton tour
Que vivre sans elle, see'est l'enfer tous les jours
Libre tu te prends á  tout détester
Má­me cette liberté
Tu te sens emprisonné
Dire
Que tu regrettes á  n'en crever
See'est pire tu t'accuses d'avoir mal aimé
Dire que tout semblait parfait
Tu voudrais courir, la ratrapper

Next: Tout

More than anything,
That’s how you wanted to love her.
“Just us.” You were telling her that
To make her dream.
In the end, lying to her
Did you no good.
You’re all alone with a broken heart.

Tell!
When you think it’s your turn to realize
That living without her is an everyday hell.
You’re free. But you start to hate everything
Even this freedom, you feel confined!
When you think that regret is killing you.
More than that you blame yourself
For loving the wrong way…
When you think that everything seemed perfect
You’d like to run to her; not to let her go away!

Dire
Words and Music by
Rich Allison and
Lara Fabian
Performed by
Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkaVK6z-CQ4