What Would You Do?

Father, thank you for taking time to listen to me, and I appreciate the fact you will not tell anyone what I tell you. I am not Catholic, but I need to confess. I need someone to listen to me. I … I am an evil person, Father. I have done something horrible, and because of that, I am faced with a decision, a decision that can only result in suffering for another.

But I might as well start at the beginning. I can’t believe its only been six months since it started. It feels like a lifetime. And maybe, in a way it was.

But it all started when I made the mistake of getting on the wrong side of Tony. Tony wasn’t the biggest guy in our school, but he was … crazy in a fight, and no one messed with him, or at least not twice.

Up until that point, I had stayed under his radar, because I wasn’t anybody. I was pretty much invisible, and I liked it that way. Then I joined the drama club. I knew I was never going to be an actor, but since they always needed guys to be spear carriers, or whatever, I figured I could blend in, and I did, at least at first.

Things were great at the beginning. I was in the background in a couple of productions, and when they didn’t need me on stage I did everything from run lights to take care of costumes. I had it made, until Linda took notice of me. She was... is a true talent. Pretty, smart, and blessed with both acting and singing skills, she was the clear choice for the female lead for any show we did.

But then, not long after she came to our school, Tony tried to hit on her. I was standing a couple feet away when she turned him down. He was not happy, but kept his cool, asking her why. She looked over, saw me watching, and came over to me. She said to Tony “because I already have a boyfriend in Adam here.” She then planted a kiss on my lips, making my head spin. “Now if you would excuse me, I have to get ready for rehearsal” She said, and walked away. I was still trying to get my act together when Tony came up to me, and said “You just made my list, Adam.” and stalked away.

All I could think was, “Oh.... crap.”

I hurried to catch up with Linda, and said, “What the heck was that about? “

She giggled “Well, maybe if you play your cards right, it could be the truth.”

Now what the heck was I supposed to say to that?

“You don’t know Tony, Linda.”

“There are a lot of pretty girls, he’ll find someone, I’m sure.”

“It isn’t like he needs have a girl, Linda, or even have you specifically, not anymore. Now its about keeping his spot on the top of the dog pile. It’ll be a matter of pride. And I’d rather graduate in one piece. Tell him it was just a joke, please.”

“How come you’re scared of him? He isn’t that much bigger than you.”

“Like I said, Linda. You don’t know him. He’s …. dangerous. I have seen the biggest members of the football team back down rather than confront him.”

She shook her head, and said “Boys. Honestly.” Then she walked into the girls changing room, and closed the door.

The rest of the day, my head was on a swivel. I tried to stay close to teachers when I could, and just waited for the hammer to fall. At the end of the day, I waited for a bit, cleaning up in the theater, and then figured I should run home. It was Friday, so I would be able to hide at home for the weekend, and be safe until Monday, or so I thought.

But on my way home, Tony was waiting for me. I looked around, and saw he was alone. I figured he was just going to threaten me, since any humiliation would require an audience.

I was wrong.

Father, by the time he walked away, I was basically naked, and bleeding from a place no heterosexual man should bleed. I don’t think you need the details, do you?

I gathered up my clothes, and staggered home. If I had been able to think clearly, I would have called the police, gone to a hospital, something. But I felt...soiled in a fundamental way, and all I wanted to do was get clean. I stood under a hot shower until the water ran cold, i stuffed my clothes in our washer, and I cleaned up the remains of my lunch that I brought up when I had gotten in the door.

When my mom came home, I told her I was sick, and went to bed.

I pretty much stayed there all Saturday. The only time I got up is when I had another shower. I couldn’t hold down food, I couldn’t look at myself in a mirror. And somehow, I knew the worst was not over. Tony would be back. I was sure of it. Having had a taste of that kind of thing, he wouldn’t stop. It would happen again, and again.

And a monster made of rage was born in my heart.

On Sunday, I got up, got dressed, and went looking for Tony. I had no clue what I was going to do, but I knew I had no choice but to find a way to stop him.

All it would cost me would be my soul.

When he saw me coming, he shooed away his gang, and came toward me. He chuckled, and said, “Well. well, well. You come for more? I thought you were having a good time Friday”

I looked at him, and saw that my hunch was right. No matter what I did, he was going to do it again. I could give him Linda on a silver platter, and it wouldn’t matter.

That’s when I committed my crime.

I wouldn’t blame you for not believing what happened next. All of a sudden, I was inside his head. I can’t describe it well, but it was like I shoved his identity, his soul, into a closet, and took control of his brain. I visualized it like a control room, and I threw some switches and turned some knobs, and left.

I came to myself, and he was just staring at me. After a minute, he turned and ran. I went home, thinking I must be dreaming. I spent the rest of Sunday laying around. I felt. ... numb. The hours dragged by without me moving or even thinking much. I did the bare minimum to survive, and that’s it.

Monday finally rolled around and I shuffled to school. I’m not sure why I went, except that school was such a big part of my routine not going never crossed my mind. Not that much was crossing my mind anyway. I was just going through the motions, waiting for something to happen.

The only time I broke out of my fog was when I went to Drama class and saw Linda,. She came up to me, and gave me a hug, and said, “well, how was your weekend? You considering my offer to be my boyfriend?”

I took her arms from around my neck and said, “I tried to tell you Tony wouldn’t just leave it alone. Its your fault he.... he...” I couldn't continue. I shoved her away from me, and went to my seat in the class. I refused to look at her the rest of the class, and after it was over, I went back into the numb cocoon that I had been in all day.

At the end of the day, It finally occurred to me that I hadn’t seen Tony, but I let it go. We didn’t share classes, so I had no real reason to expect to see him, except for what happened on the weekend. I made it home, and went to bed early.

Day after day passed, and finally, it was Friday again. My personal fog cleared enough to realize Linda was pretty upset with me, but I found I just didn’t care. She wasn’t the one who had been ... well, it didn’t matter, anyway.

The other thing I realized was that Tony hadn’t come back. I found that confusing. To miss a day, maybe, but a whole week? That wasn’t like him. What had happened on Sunday had become more dream-like, but something about it nagged at me as I thought about his absence. Finally, I could take the suspense, and Saturday, I headed for where he lived.

Why was I worried about him? He ….hurt me. But I couldn’t shake the feeling he was hurting, and it was my fault. I was very close to the spot where he had... met me last time when a girl got my attention. She waved me toward the shadows, and once my eyes adjusted, I could see her clearly.

It was Tony.

God forgive me, it was Tony.

He (She?) was wearing a dress that was obviously too big for him, and nothing else feminine, but something about the way he stood and moved just screamed “Girl”.

And again, the weirdness happened. I could see clearly his mind. The old Tony, the one everyone was scared of, was … trapped, unable to control his own body, because he was … overlapped by a second self. A utterly, totally female self. She had stolen her mother’s clothes and makeup, been caught by her father, and been kicked out. She had been living on her wits since.

I had done this.

Me.

I could feel the loss of sanity, an intense pain I can’t do justice to. I had to fix it. So I tried to fix things inside him.

Father, I tried. I truly tried.

I failed.

I honestly did not know what to do. I invited her back to my house. She came willingly enough. The female self seemed … bonded to me. She was almost pathetically grateful for even the smallest kindness. The male part was more confused.. On the one hand, his anger and hatred of me was still there, and had gotten worse, but he also seemed to see me as his only hope to regain control.

I took her back to my house, figuring I could at least get her some warm clothes and a meal. When we got there, I offered her some boy clothes, only to have her freak out. Some how, this female part of him couldn't even think of wearing male stuff.

And since she was in charge, the only option we had was some of my mom’s. That didn’t make the male side happy, but since it was either that, being naked, or staying in a dress she had been wearing for a week, he went along.

Once clothes were taken care of, I made her some soup, being not a great cook. Again, she was grateful in a way that ate at my heart. After we ate, we watched some tv together until my mom came home. I introduced my her to my mother, saying she was a classmate who had come out as transgender to her parents, and been kicked out.

It was as close to the truth as I dared go …

Being the kind of person my mom was, she let “Toni” stay overnight, but would have to take her to the authorities in the morning. I panicked, thinking of the sort of abuse she might suffer in some foster home, and said, “Listen. before we do that, let me try talking to her folks.”

She agreed, and soon was showing Toni to our spare room. I went to my own, and struggled to sleep.

The next morning we went back to Toni’s house. I knocked on the door, still having no idea what I could do. Her father answered, and as soon as he saw Toni, he glowered. He raised a fist, and I had to do something. I went into his mind, just a touch.

<“This is your child. You love your child. You protect your child.....” > I repeated.

A few moments later he was inviting us in. I did the same gentle touch with Toni’s mother, and then turned to leave. “Wait.” Tony whispered, “What about school?” <“And what about ME?” > her male side asked mentally.

“I will be with you tomorrow.” I whispered back. Mentally, I added, <“And I will keep working on a solution.”>
The next day, I waited anxiously for Toni to arrive. Finally, she did, driven by her mother. “Mrs. Carillo?” I asked. “Can I help?”

She smiled at me, and said, “I will talk with the principal. If the school wont protect my daughter, I will have no choice but to pull her out until I can find a school that will.”

<“I don’t think going here is a hot idea”> I heard Tony say mentally. <“I don’t have a lot of friends, you know.”>

<“You were the most popular guy in school.” >I broadcast back.

<“No. I was the most feared guy in the school. Now its going to be payback.”>

<“Not like you dont deserve some. What you did to me...”>

<“You got your payback. The rest will come for theirs.”>

<“Wait a minute. You didn’t rule this school by being the biggest guy. You got people to respect you by being one crazy fighter.”>

<“So?”>

<“So you still have all those skills. You show a couple of the bad guys you are still a bad-ass, and they will leave you alone.”>

<“Sounds good, except one thing. I’m not in charge anymore. She is.”>

<“Okay. I have another idea. I will do for the school what I did for your parents.”>

Then she hugged me and said out loud, “Thank you.”

I really didn’t know what to do about that. Toni, the female part, seemed to be in love with me, for lack of a better word for what she felt. The male part was disgusted, but helpless. I realized I had a horrible choice. Return the hug, and hurt the male part, or don’t, and hurt the female part.

Before I could try and decide what to do, the male part pulled back, and Toni hugged me tighter.

<“What happened?”> I broadcast to her male side.

<”Just realized it was hopeless. If she wasn't attracted to you, it would be some other dude. And they wouldn’t know or care about me. And as long as she is around you, maybe you can fix this screw-up.”>

<”I’ll keep trying. And I will do my best to protect both of you.”>

So I had acquired a girlfriend.

I slipped in to the meeting Toni’s mother was having with the principal. Not having any other idea, I gave him a gentle nudge to accept the change in gender. He even appointed me to help introduce the new Toni around, which gave me a chance to to do the same for most of the kids and teachers we met.

I tried to be extremely careful. If it took more than a very gentle nudge, I let them be. For most of the guys, all I did was remind them of the scary side of the old Tony, and let them make the assumption that she would be just as dangerous if cornered. It was enough.

The next while became a blur. Every day I would spend as much time with Toni as I could. It seemed like a feedback loop. The more I was around her, the more she wanted me there. In essence she became addicted to me.

I could have abused this, Father. By the third day, she made it clear she would sleep with me if I wanted her. But I simply couldn’t. I am ashamed to admit that it was only partially because I felt like that would be as bad as what the male Tony had done to me. The other part was the simple fact that despite her clothes and actions, she still had a male body.

Besides me, the only real friend she had was, ironically, Linda. Linda seemed to take it all in stride without any modifications from me, and made it a goal to help Toni be the best girl she could be. That earned her my forgiveness, and more. I apologized for my reaction to her advances, and let her work her magic on Toni. The results were.... amazing.

But I continued to try and fix the problem, and failing. And now things are getting serious. Toni wants to actually transition, to become female in body. this is making the male Tony more desperate, more crazy, and the conflict is harming both of them.

So I am left with a horrible choice, as I said. I have found out I can … remove the male part, permanently. That would free the female side to have as good a life as possible.

The other choice is to do nothing. I just let the male Tony suffer until he goes mad, maybe taking the female part with him. I cant seem to suppress the female side. I cant even seem to comfort the male side anymore.

So which choice is worse? Since I started “dating” Toni, I have been looking into transgender, and reading a lot of TG fiction. One of the big controversies on one of the fiction sites is about the idea of “identity death.”

Well, I could do that. I could “kill” the male Tony. But am I really doing him any favors by letting him live? To be permanently stuck in a body he has no control over? To be helpless while the female side make the body match her mind, instead of his? And even if I never sleep with her, its probably too much to hope she would remain a virgin forever. And she only likes guys....