Tallahassee, Florida, 1999

The video had hit the part where the static came on the screen, leaving a loud annoying hiss to fill the apartment. The girl turned and faced the young man sitting on the other end of the couch; he almost cowered in embarrassment.

“So that’s it, right?” She got up and ejected the video and placed it in the slipcase. Her friend continued to cower. She shook her head and laughed softly; the irony wasn’t lost on either of them. ‘Different for Girls,’ she noted as she handed him the video. He placed it on the couch beside him, almost embarrassed.

“You really think she’ll go for that?” The young woman looked at her roommate and former lover. The boy looked back and smiled. She was amazed at how things had turned out. She would do anything for Cal…anything, and whatever he needed would almost be at his disposal, since no finer friend could be had anywhere, unless it was the girl who took her place in his heart. She wanted to be jealous; she had tried so very hard to be angry, but her love for the boy took the place of any animosity she could ever muster, if that was even possible. It was hard to be mean toward someone when neither she nor her rival had a mean bone in their bodies.

“I guess we’ll find out.” He shook his head and gazed out the window. Things weren’t going so well with his new girlfriend; mostly because she was new and he was tentative and almost non-committal, even though she had thrown herself into the relationship. But a huge part of why things hadn’t seemed to click rested squarely on his narrow sylph-like shoulders. He couldn’t commit to her because he had trouble committing to himself….

 
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I beg you
Don't ever leave me alone

A few days before, at Cal’s apartment…

“You’ve been sitting there quiet for nearly ten minutes, Cal! What’s going on?” Lori held her coffee mug in both hands, peering at Cal over the rim. The boy…the young man put his head down and looked off to the side.

“Come on…we’ve known each other like since…forever. I didn’t plan on a relationship, but what better way to go than to be with a bestest friend ever.” It felt odd for both of them, since they were more like brother and sister; even odder than that, if only Cal could actually open up to her. In all the years they’d known each other, he hadn’t once shared his most intimate self with her; it hadn’t come up for one thing, but even if it had, and even though he trusted her with his life? He was too afraid.

“You still carrying a torch for Patti?” Lori was understandably worried about catching her best friend on the rebound; she never really felt that Cal and Patti were suited for each other, but was never able to put a finger on why. Cal shook his head. He still had some feeling for Patti, but more for what could have been. And while Cal never withheld anything from Lori, no matter what was going on, there and then, though, he was deathly afraid of opening up.

“No, Lor….no…I….” He stumbled over the words, and his uncomfortable expression sent exactly the wrong message to her.

“Listen, Cal. I’ve got to get to work, hon. If you want this to go forward, you’re going to have to be honest with me. I’ll be home by ten tonight, and I want to talk. If you can’t talk to me, this isn’t going to go any further. I love you…maybe…” She paused at the last word. She shrugged her shoulders and smiled.

“Okay, maybe more than maybe. I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta run. See you when I get back.” She kissed him on the forehead; almost like a mother taking a child’s temperature, she was gauging his response. He flinched; not from her kiss so much as from his worry about how he could tell her. He smiled lamely as she ran out of the house.

“Byeeeee!”

“Bye,” he said weakly as she drove off....

Lori returned that evening, and between her own fatigue and the lateness of the hour, they didn't talk that night, or any other for several days.

The following week, at Cal’s apartment…

“Okay, Bubalah… somethin’s gotta give, and it ain’t gonna be her.” Patti stepped back and checked her ‘creation,’

“You know what I mean. Best friends forever, Cal, but if you can’t trust her, it’s not going to go any further, and maybe even …. Well, best friends trust each other, okay.” She touched his cheek and he flinched. Was Lori blind, Patti wondered? How could her rival not see. Cal hoped she had questions he could answer. He struggled with 'opening up' spontaneously, or even with prompting; talking directly to anyone, even her, was almost impossible for a boy who had a secret that threatened to tear him apart. And he wasn't even sure that he could answer any questions Lori might have.

Patti stepped closer and began combing Cal’s hair.

"You know, I'd be happy to talk to her, but I don't think it would go over too good, you know?" She stepped back once again and laughed.

"Keep it up, and you won't have to tell her a thing, Cal." She shook her head as she noted the twin-like images the two had developed over the past several weeks. If Lori had known that Patti was still 'seeing' Cal she'd be furious, but really, if the three sat down and actually communicated, there might be at least two of the three of them that would actually be happy with how things were 'developing.'

“Did you tell her?” Dr. Martinetti was direct, but it was for Cal’s own good. She wouldn’t tell him what to do, but her questions seemed to parallel the question he had hoped Lori would ask.

“No…we sorta ran out of time.” He put his head down. She wasn’t ashamed of him even if he felt ashamed. She waited until he lifted his head and smiled at him; giving him a measure of acceptance even as she nudged him gently toward the destination for which he had set out nearly a year before.

“You’ll be telling her in a way no matter how you feel, since you’ve got to start living outwardly soon. Any more delay, and you might find yourself on the inside looking out.” She had coined the expression as a way of describing his years of denying that part of himself that wanted…no…needed vitally to be expressed.

“I know she’s important to you, but there’s a girl who is so much more important…you know what I mean?” Cal shook his head; his face was a mask of confusion and pain. It was no longer about Lori alone, but had to include the other ‘girl’ in his life, who wasn’t Patti Frazetta, either. Otherwise, no relationship would work, since in trying to be something he wasn’t, he denied being fully available for Lori or anyone else as well.

“You can’t be something for someone else if you can’t be yourself; you’d be giving them something false and even inadequate.” The odd thing is that he actually felt inauthentic and false when he adopted his other persona, even though it was more who he was than anything he had projected over the course of a lifetime. Caleigh had hidden long enough; whether Lori could accept that remained to be seen. Either way, Caleigh Ann DiBiaso needed to live.

 
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and died

Next: I Nearly Broke Down and Died…

Oh, Darling!
Words and music by
Paul McCartney
(credited also to
John Lennon
As performed by
Florence and the Machine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwgWbG84iXo